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#Post#: 58435--------------------------------------------------
Re: You and Your Mother
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: October 4, 2020, 9:01 am
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--- Quote from: Gellchom link ---
>
> I don't understand why it would be insulting for someone to
mistake siblings for a couple, though. It can happen quite
innocently for a lot of reasons, and anyway, where is the insult
(as opposed to squick factor)?
>
--- End Quote ---
I already posted above that I usually correct them and they
apologize, so I'm fine with that and don't feel insulted.
There's nothing to feel offended about because they don't know.
I only felt offended by that hospital who didn't believe me when
I corrected them.
#Post#: 58436--------------------------------------------------
Re: You and Your Mother
DIR By: Gellchom
Date: October 4, 2020, 9:55 am
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--- Quote from: Rose Red link ---
>
> [quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1882.msg58420#msg58420
date=1601781315]
> I don't understand why it would be insulting for someone to
mistake siblings for a couple, though. It can happen quite
innocently for a lot of reasons, and anyway, where is the insult
(as opposed to squick factor)?
>
--- End Quote ---
I already posted above that I usually correct them and they
apologize, so I'm fine with that and don't feel insulted.
There's nothing to feel offended about because they don't know.
I only felt offended by that hospital who didn't believe me when
I corrected them.
[/quote]
Sorry, Rose Red — I wasn’t responding to your post. I agree
that they were ridiculous not to believe you. How rude. And
how funny - like when people think you don’t know your own name.
#Post#: 58437--------------------------------------------------
Re: You and Your Mother
DIR By: Lilipons
Date: October 4, 2020, 10:32 am
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I’ve written about this before but my experience seems to fit
here.
When we were getting engaged I showed a photo of the future Mr.
Pons and me to family members. An aunt loudly proclaimed, ‘HE’S
TOO OLD FOR YOU!’ Well yes, he’s albino so he has white hair.
At the time, he was often mistaken for David Hockney but he
didn’t look THAT old.
Actually, I am three years older than he is.
During the first few years of our marriage I was repeatedly
thought to be Mr. Pons’ mother. I was never able to figure out
how that happened. It happened at a gym, it happened in shops
and it happened on vacations.
It was not a pleasant situation.
#Post#: 58438--------------------------------------------------
Re: You and Your Mother
DIR By: sandisadie
Date: October 4, 2020, 11:59 am
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I've told this before also. When I was in my late 40's, early
50's and my daughter and I were somewhere together people all
the time thought we were sisters. I was 22 when she was born
but I've always looked quite a bit younger then my age, since
I've been an adult. We usually just laughed and pointed to me
and said I was the Mother, she was the daughter. When I was in
my mid 60's and raising two granddaughters of my 2nd husband I
was assumed to be their Mother also. They were ages 8 and 9
when they came to live with us and even into their teen years I
was assumed to be their mother many times by strangers. I've
always found this to be amusing and usually when strangers find
out the truth they are a little embarrassed.
#Post#: 58439--------------------------------------------------
Re: You and Your Mother
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: October 4, 2020, 12:34 pm
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My mom lived a hard life and her younger sister have it easier,
and sadly for my mom, it showed. She still tries to keep a nice
appearance. A shop keeper mistook her for her sister's mother.
It hurt her deeply because although she is older and looks it,
she still doesn't look old enough to be her sister's mother.
People need to stop assuming people's relationship. Why can't
they just ask how two people know each other?
#Post#: 58440--------------------------------------------------
Re: You and Your Mother
DIR By: Aleko
Date: October 4, 2020, 12:50 pm
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--- Quote ---
> People need to stop assuming people's relationship. Why can't
they just ask how two people know each other?
--- End Quote ---
Or, 'Are you two related?', which of course covers marital
relationships too?
#Post#: 58442--------------------------------------------------
Re: You and Your Mother
DIR By: cymbaline246
Date: October 4, 2020, 2:09 pm
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I have a relative that works in the social service arena, and
who quickly learned to ask of the client and *whomever
accompanied him/her,* "And you're...[pause] family?"
#Post#: 58443--------------------------------------------------
Re: You and Your Mother
DIR By: pierrotlunaire0
Date: October 4, 2020, 4:11 pm
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Once I was the offending person. When I worked for the DMV, I
had a couple in front of me, and the male was pouting and being
more than unreasonable, taking offense to everything and
anything that had happened or that I was saying. I finally
turned to the woman, and a comment that when her and her son
came back with the proper paperwork -- "I'm his wife!" she
exclaimed in shock. "Do you think I look that much older than
him?"
I apologized profusely, and then went on to speak of the
regulations that required whatever U was asking of them. I
didn't explain why I had made such an insulting assumption: he
was acting like a spoiled teenager, and was coming across like a
16 year old. I didn't think I should explain. It might have made
her feel a little better, but my assumption was very insulting
to him, and considering what a tantrum he was throwing, she
would have had to put up with more bad behavior on his part. I
learned in the future to do what Cymbaline recommends: Do not
make any assumptions, and let them fill in where they see fit.
"Now are the two of you related? Oh? In what way?"
#Post#: 58447--------------------------------------------------
Re: You and Your Mother
DIR By: Gellchom
Date: October 4, 2020, 7:12 pm
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But it's not always a situation in which you would ask. Like,
"Excuse me, but your sister dropped this" or a clerk asking
someone who had accompanied someone who is in the dressing room
"Does your sister like green?" It would be odd to begin by
asking about their relationship.
#Post#: 58448--------------------------------------------------
Re: You and Your Mother
DIR By: OnyxBird
Date: October 4, 2020, 7:34 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Gellchom link ---
>
> I don't understand why it would be insulting for someone to
mistake siblings for a couple, though. It can happen quite
innocently for a lot of reasons, and anyway, where is the insult
(as opposed to squick factor)? People often quite reasonably
get confused about my brother and me, because he and I have the
same last name, and my husband doesn't. When we were all
younger, too, and they were wearing their beards the same way,
they looked a lot alike, so people got confused and thought that
they were the siblings and I was the married-in.
>
--- End Quote ---
--- Quote from: Gellchom link ---
>
> Sorry, Rose Red — I wasn’t responding to your post. I agree
that they were ridiculous not to believe you. How rude. And
how funny - like when people think you don’t know your own name.
>
--- End Quote ---
I take it you were responding to me, then, since I think I'm the
only other person who mentioned this scenario prior to your
post?
I don't find being mistaken for a couple insulting, as if the
idea I could be in a relationship with a person like my brother
is derogatory. Nor am I insulted/offended by the fact that
someone we met privately guessed/speculated what our
relationship to one another might be. However, the man I talked
about didn't just speculate to himself, but assumed his weirdly
specific speculation was correct (with zero evidence that I
could identify) and spoke as if it was fact. I found that to be
very presumptuous and weird. The squick aspect that what he was
suggesting would have been incestuous and the implication that
he by default assumes a relationship between two opposite-gender
people is romantic rather than platonic (since we obviously
weren't doing anything indicating a romantic relationship) adds
to the annoyance for me.
It would be similarly jarring/presumptuous for someone to act on
their random speculation about some other aspect of my identity,
just minus the squick and the annoyance about gender role
nonsense. E.g., had he instead said something about "oh, since
you're from Boston" or "you'll find this interesting, as a
Capricorn" or "how long did you have to train to be an
astronaut?" I would be taken aback. There is nothing insulting
about being from Boston or a Capricorn or an astronaut, but
having someone simply assume, with no reasonable evidence, that
I was any of these things, to the point of just acting as if it
were true rather than asking is weird and presumptuous and (IMO)
creepy. But, of course, those examples probably sound
ridiculous, right? Because people don't go around assuming
people are astronauts with no evidence (not even if you're
wearing a NASA shirt) but they do feel entitled to run with
their assumptions on people's familial and romantic
relationships, pregnancy status, etc.
--- Quote from: Rose Red link ---
>
> People need to stop assuming people's relationship. Why can't
they just ask how two people know each other?
>
--- End Quote ---
Exactly.
BTW, my brother and I have also been assumed to be married a
couple of times. But I didn't bring those up because it was
always people who knew that we share an unusual surname, i.e.,
strong evidence that we were related in some way, and in
specific situations where there would be a relatively low
likelihood of a pair of siblings happening to both be there
versus a couple coming together. They had evidence for their
assumption, it just happened to be misleading in that particular
case. (It was also pretty hilarious, since in both cases we had
reason to think they knew how we were related, so we were very
surprised to be asked, e.g., how we met. Answer: "Uh...I was
born, and he was already here? We're siblings." ;D)
--- Quote from: Gellchom link ---
>
> But it's not always a situation in which you would ask. Like,
"Excuse me, but your sister dropped this" or a clerk asking
someone who had accompanied someone who is in the dressing room
"Does your sister like green?" It would be odd to begin by
asking about their relationship.
>
--- End Quote ---
Yes, but the reason it would be odd to ask about their
relationship is because it's irrelevant. "Excuse me, but [your
companion/the woman you're with] dropped this." "Does she like
green?" (What other "she" would you be talking about other than
the person in the dressing room?) "Friend" is also pretty
generic and presumes little except that the people in question
actually like each other on some level, even if they also happen
to be related by blood and/or marriage.
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