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#Post#: 58080--------------------------------------------------
How would you respond to this?
By: Despedina Date: September 26, 2020, 11:05 am
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We have a family member who, when you invite him and his family
to something will most of the time say his favorite phrase.
This phrase is "If I see you I will see you, and if I don't I
won't". Basically, he won't commit but might show up. I never
know how to respond to this. I want to say "Well maybe next
time" to make the decision for him. Thoughts?
#Post#: 58084--------------------------------------------------
Re: How would you respond to this?
By: Kimberami Date: September 26, 2020, 11:20 am
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I'd stop inviting him.
#Post#: 58085--------------------------------------------------
Re: How would you respond to this?
By: Rose Red Date: September 26, 2020, 11:35 am
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[quote author=Despedina link=topic=1873.msg58080#msg58080
date=1601136341]
I want to say "Well maybe next time" to make the decision for
him. Thoughts?
[/quote]
Go ahead. Tell him you need an answer one way or another and if
he can't give one, you'll make plans without him and you'll see
him when you see him next time. Say it in a calm neutral tone;
not an annoyed or hostile tone.
Then don't invite him to anything again. He doesn't respect you
or your time and efforts so why invite someone who insults you
like that? You probably have to invite him to big family events
like thanksgiving and weddings to avoid drama, but nothing else.
#Post#: 58086--------------------------------------------------
Re: How would you respond to this?
By: Hmmm Date: September 26, 2020, 11:56 am
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[quote author=Despedina link=topic=1873.msg58080#msg58080
date=1601136341]
We have a family member who, when you invite him and his family
to something will most of the time say his favorite phrase.
This phrase is "If I see you I will see you, and if I don't I
won't". Basically, he won't commit but might show up. I never
know how to respond to this. I want to say "Well maybe next
time" to make the decision for him. Thoughts?
[/quote]
Yes, I think that is the perfect response.
He sounds immature so I'd probably be a bit meaner. I'd probably
go with 'Sorry, I need a firm commitment. Give us a call
sometime and if we are available, maybe we can get together
then."
Transfer the next social engagement obligation to him.
#Post#: 58091--------------------------------------------------
Re: How would you respond to this?
By: LurkingGurl Date: September 26, 2020, 1:38 pm
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I think my response would depend on how formal or casual the
event was.
I have had a few friends who I invite over and who cancel at the
last minute--repeatedly! It's always a migraine or some other
health related issue. And I have just come to accept that if I
want to keep them as friends, this is what it is. One them I
haven't seen in like 3 years!
But, the friendship is there. If she called me in the middle of
the night needing something, I would go.
But, if I invite her to a party, the chances of her showing up
are about 1 in 10, maybe.
So, if the even requires knowing one way or the other, then I
would press for a definite answer. But, if I enjoyed that
person's company (and I do enjoy the company of these friends,
rare though it be), then I would issue invitations that would be
so casual that it would be --well, there's enough if they show
up, etc.
I just don't see that it needs to be either/or. They have their
lifestyle, or health issues, or whatever. I take them as they
come, keep my expectations low and only invite them when I don't
really need a firm yes.
That might sound sad, and in some cases, it has meant just
letting the friendship go. But, in most cases, it just makes me
sad that I don't get to see them as much.
#Post#: 58094--------------------------------------------------
Re: How would you respond to this?
By: Rose Red Date: September 26, 2020, 3:25 pm
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^ At least your friend makes up an excuse and may genuinely have
health issues. Others may say they have to check their calendar
before committing.
"I'll see you when I see you and if I don't I won't" leaves a
bad taste in my mouth. This is why my advice is to only invite
him to large gatherings where his and his family's presence
doesn't matter either way.
#Post#: 58097--------------------------------------------------
Re: How would you respond to this?
By: DaDancingPsych Date: September 26, 2020, 3:38 pm
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Latching onto the sentiments of my fellow posters, have you ever
actually requested a firm response? Don't get me wrong, his
favorite saying isn't mine, but I wonder if he even realizes
that he's inconveniencing you? I would probably say something
like "I need to ensure that I purchase enough food, will you and
your family be attending on Saturday?" If the saying surfaces,
then I would let him know that I'm going to have to consider
that he can't make it. Depending on the relationship, I may even
go into "You may not realize, but when you say that it causes
XYZ."
But yes, after pleading my case, I think I would need to realize
that he's not going to change. Every invitation to him either
has to be one where actual numbers don't matter or where I
consider him as a positive (and deal with the results of him not
attending.) And when neither of those are possible, then he
wouldn't make the guest list.
Maybe he's the type that lives life in the moment. He makes no
plans and just acts as he feels at that time. I suppose there's
a part of me that wishes that she could live like that, but it
simply doesn't work for most of us. But to me, it reads more
like he's saying "I'll come if nothing better comes along." And
that's a rather hurtful way to treat others. If I'm important to
you, you will make space in your life for me.
#Post#: 58099--------------------------------------------------
Re: How would you respond to this?
By: Mrs Rat Date: September 26, 2020, 4:34 pm
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Hubby works nights and also works on call so it's hard to know
if we can go together. I usually say that I won't know if I can
make it until the day and will let them know on the day if we
can't make it. If it's something that requires notification by a
date I will usually give a yes for me or a no for both of us. I
recently went to my nieces 21st and as I was arriving hubby
called to say his job had been called off so he was coming, we
had a great night and my niece was happy he could make it.
#Post#: 58102--------------------------------------------------
Re: How would you respond to this?
By: Rose Red Date: September 26, 2020, 5:15 pm
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[quote author=Mrs Rat link=topic=1873.msg58099#msg58099
date=1601156067]
Hubby works nights and also works on call so it's hard to know
if we can go together. I usually say that I won't know if I can
make it until the day and will let them know on the day if we
can't make it. If it's something that requires notification by a
date I will usually give a yes for me or a no for both of us. I
recently went to my nieces 21st and as I was arriving hubby
called to say his job had been called off so he was coming, we
had a great night and my niece was happy he could make it.
[/quote]
Explaining your husband's unpredictable work situation is
completely understandable. I would even send you home with a
plate for him if I was hosting a dinner party.
The OP's relative is rude. He won't even say no. He's holding
back with rude and dismissive words in case something better
comes along. It's not a good feeling to be told right to your
face that you're the last resort.
I wonder how his family feels about him answering for them this
way?
#Post#: 58106--------------------------------------------------
Re: How would you respond to this?
By: gramma dishes Date: September 26, 2020, 6:47 pm
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[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1873.msg58094#msg58094
date=1601151943]
^ At least your friend makes up an excuse and may genuinely have
health issues. Others may say they have to check their calendar
before committing.
"I'll see you when I see you and if I don't I won't" leaves a
bad taste in my mouth. This is why my advice is to only invite
him to large gatherings where his and his family's presence
doesn't matter either way.
[/quote]
Why bother inviting them at all. It's clear that he doesn't
want to commit just in case something more appealing to him
comes along. I'd rather just not bother to invite him than
worry about whether or not I should be buying and preparing
extra food just in case he does decide to show up, especially
when he's just as much as told me I'm very low down on the list
of people he wants to spend time with.
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