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#Post#: 58063--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: Rose Red Date: September 25, 2020, 6:37 pm
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I've never seen gifts displayed at weddings, only at bridal
showers. I also wonder why they brought a pricey gift. When I
like someone well enough but not close, I buy them a vase or
picture frame or something. Nice but not expensive.
If they are that petty, I also don't understand why they brought
the gift without an actual invitation to the wedding or shower.
#Post#: 58072--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: LifeOnPluto Date: September 26, 2020, 12:21 am
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[quote author=Soop link=topic=1869.msg58037#msg58037
date=1601059238]
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1869.msg58024#msg58024
date=1601052249]
I'm with everyone else here. The idea that the couple ought to
send the gift back rests on the assumption that wedding presents
are essentially payment for a seat at the shindig, which is a
horrid idea.
Odd, too, that the LW and her mother, neither of whom is
particularly close to the bride either emotionally or by blood
(second cousin) leapt in and bought 'one of the more expensive
items on the registry'. I suspect darkly that they expected the
wedding presents to be on display at the reception and wanted to
impress everyone with their generosity. Now that isn't going to
happen, they're sorry they bought anything at all.
[/quote]
That part made me think of a friend's wedding (must be about 25
years ago). My friend, the bride, had a Trousseau Tea
HTML https://www.pondsideministries.com/the-trousseau-tea-a-lost-pre-wedding-tradition/.<br
/>It's kind of a dead tradition, where the Mother of the bride h
ad
a tea party to show off all the gifts and the bride's trousseau.
I found it very strange...kind of bragging about your loot. I
think it would have been something more meaningful back when
brides spent years filling their hope chest full of hand
embroidered linens and hand made clothing.
[/quote]
Strange... and boring! Who wants to attend a party specifically
for the purpose of checking out someone else's new toasters and
china-ware? I sure wouldn't.
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1869.msg58039#msg58039
date=1601059689]
[quote]However, if the happy couple, in non-Covid times,
suddenly decided to just up and elope, rather than go through
with a larger ceremony and reception? I think they should at
least ask the question of whether or not the giver would like
the gift returned.[/quote]
That is a slightly different situation, though. If a couple
simply changed their minds about what they want (that is,
they’re not being forced to change their plans, as it might be
by one of them being ordered on military service abroad, or the
parents of one of them dying suddenly), they’re essentially
saying to the disinvited guests that ‘we are disinviting you as
we no longer feel your presence necessary’, and I agree that
they should offer to return any gifts they have already
received.
[/quote]
I agree with this. I probably wouldn't be brazen enough to ask
for my gift back, but I'd certainly feel a bit hurt, and used.
#Post#: 58077--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: Hmmm Date: September 26, 2020, 10:40 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=PVZFan link=topic=1869.msg58050#msg58050
date=1601064012]
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1869.msg58040#msg58040
date=1601060385]
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1869.msg58024#msg58024
date=1601052249]
I'm with everyone else here. The idea that the couple ought to
send the gift back rests on the assumption that wedding presents
are essentially payment for a seat at the shindig, which is a
horrid idea.
Odd, too, that the LW and her mother, neither of whom is
particularly close to the bride either emotionally or by blood
(second cousin) leapt in and bought 'one of the more expensive
items on the registry'. I suspect darkly that they expected the
wedding presents to be on display at the reception and wanted to
impress everyone with their generosity. Now that isn't going to
happen, they're sorry they bought anything at all.
[/quote]
Does that happen anymore? I thought that tradition had
completely died out. And the times that I ever saw it, they were
never on display at the reception; they were on display at the
bride's parents' home, and visitors would drop by to peep at
them.
[/quote]
In the last decade (maybe two) we've been invited to at about
three brunches, at the bride's family's home, to watch the
couple open their gifts. We declined. To paraphrase my husband,
"How much more of our weekend do they want?" ;D (I went to one
without him and didn't mind skipping the subsequent ones.)
[/quote]
We've been invited to a few day after the wedding brunches.
They've always been for the immediate family and out of town
guests. I've attended 2 that were for cousin's and the couple
did open gifts from those in attendance and thank them for the
gifts. Those interested stayed in the room where the gifts were
being opened and others were in other rooms or outside visiting.
It wasn't done like a shower where everyone felt like they had
to sit and watch the entire time.
I think most of the gift opening actually happened after most
everyone had left.
I got the impression the LW and her mom bought an expensive gift
because they were expecting to be entertained at a lavish
reception so adhered to the idea that the cost of the present
should exceed the cost of the hosting expense.
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1869.msg58039#msg58039
date=1601059689]
[quote]However, if the happy couple, in non-Covid times,
suddenly decided to just up and elope, rather than go through
with a larger ceremony and reception? I think they should at
least ask the question of whether or not the giver would like
the gift returned.[/quote]
That is a slightly different situation, though. If a couple
simply changed their minds about what they want (that is,
they’re not being forced to change their plans, as it might be
by one of them being ordered on military service abroad, or the
parents of one of them dying suddenly), they’re essentially
saying to the disinvited guests that ‘we are disinviting you as
we no longer feel your presence necessary’, and I agree that
they should offer to return any gifts they have already
received.
[/quote]
I'm not sure how I feel about this scenario. Since I assume the
gifts are not being sent until the invitations had gone out, it
would be rather late in the process to cancel the larger
reception. If the wedding and marriage were called off, then
yes, the gifts should be returned. But if the marriage went
forward, I would still feel like my gift was for the marriage
and not just because I was invited to a party. I do understand
why people would feel dis-invited. But if they are disinviting
everyone, then it would seem there had to be a good reason.
How would you feel if you had RSVP no but still sent a gift?
Would you expect your gift to be returned even though the
planned reception was cancelled?
#Post#: 58082--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: Rose Red Date: September 26, 2020, 11:13 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1869.msg58077#msg58077
date=1601134833]
I got the impression the LW and her mom bought an expensive gift
because they were expecting to be entertained at a lavish
reception so adhered to the idea that the cost of the present
should exceed the cost of the hosting expense.
[/quote]
Which is why I don't understand why they didn't wait for the
real invitation before buying a gift if that's how they feel
about gifting. What if it turns out to be a cake and punch
reception, or a backyard BBQ? Would they gripe they didn't get
their money's worth?
#Post#: 58087--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: Hmmm Date: September 26, 2020, 11:57 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1869.msg58082#msg58082
date=1601136796]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1869.msg58077#msg58077
date=1601134833]
I got the impression the LW and her mom bought an expensive gift
because they were expecting to be entertained at a lavish
reception so adhered to the idea that the cost of the present
should exceed the cost of the hosting expense.
[/quote]
Which is why I don't understand why they didn't wait for the
real invitation before buying a gift if that's how they feel
about gifting. What if it turns out to be a cake and punch
reception, or a backyard BBQ? Would they gripe they didn't get
their money's worth?
[/quote]
Through family communications, sometimes you know well in
advance what the plans are.
#Post#: 58098--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: Rose Red Date: September 26, 2020, 3:45 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1869.msg58087#msg58087
date=1601139457]
[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1869.msg58082#msg58082
date=1601136796]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1869.msg58077#msg58077
date=1601134833]
I got the impression the LW and her mom bought an expensive gift
because they were expecting to be entertained at a lavish
reception so adhered to the idea that the cost of the present
should exceed the cost of the hosting expense.
[/quote]
Which is why I don't understand why they didn't wait for the
real invitation before buying a gift if that's how they feel
about gifting. What if it turns out to be a cake and punch
reception, or a backyard BBQ? Would they gripe they didn't get
their money's worth?
[/quote]
Through family communications, sometimes you know well in
advance what the plans are.
[/quote]
Yes but things can change between the STD and the invitation.
And they did. It happens all the time even without a worldwide
pandemic.
Covid has been around for at least six months now. They should
have an inkling wedding plans for a large formal event can
change or postponed.
#Post#: 58107--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: Winterlight Date: September 26, 2020, 7:00 pm
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The LW sounds ridiculous and greedy.
#Post#: 58110--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: TootsNYC Date: September 26, 2020, 7:37 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1869.msg58063#msg58063
date=1601077027]
I've never seen gifts displayed at weddings, only at bridal
showers. I also wonder why they brought a pricey gift. When I
like someone well enough but not close, I buy them a vase or
picture frame or something. Nice but not expensive.
If they are that petty, I also don't understand why they brought
the gift without an actual invitation to the wedding or shower.
[/quote]
They may have bought a pricey gift because it was a way for each
of them to put in quite a bit less. My sister got a microwave
from about 10 families that she used to babysit for, or attend
church with. Each family put in $10 to $15, and that was enough
for a present that really made an impact for her.
#Post#: 58245--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: Codewoman1125 Date: September 30, 2020, 4:17 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I just realized I have two wedding gifts that I still use
regularly, though the wedding was 25+ years ago. One is a metal
9x13 roasting/baking pan that cost $50 (purchased with a gift
card from my employer, so I know) and has really held up. It was
a huge splurge for us at the time and I'm so glad we selected
that item. Also, I took many a cake to work celebrations that
were baked in that pan!
The item that got me thinking is a ceramic bowl (signed by the
artist) that was given to me by a woman I've since lost touch
with. I'm sure she thought nothing of supporting the artist and
perhaps overpaid a little for the lovely bowl we would never
have purchased ourselves. But for 5+ years, now, it has sat on
my counter, filled with delicious healthy fruit and I think of
her almost every day. Even a less extravagant gift can be very
meaningful.
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