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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 57982--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: lakey Date: September 24, 2020, 4:47 pm
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[quote] But does anyone here support the LW's position?[/quote]
I don't. A gift was sent because the person would have been
invited. Through no fault of their own, the couple had to cancel
the planned reception and cut the guest list for the backyard
affair. Wanting the gift returned makes it look like you ONLY
sent the gift because you were getting a nice meal. It would be
hard enough for the bride and groom to have to give up their
"dream wedding", expecting gifts to be returned just adds to
their disappointment. People who care about the couple would
simply sympathize with them.
#Post#: 57989--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: gramma dishes Date: September 24, 2020, 7:49 pm
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I'm honestly not sure how I feel about the LW. I do agree that
the new couple should not return the gift and that to expect
them to do so is unreasonable and unrealistic.
But I've never sent a gift in response to a Save the Date
notice. Don't most people wait until they actually have an
invitation in their hand? All kinds of things can happen
between save the date and the actual ceremony itself. I think
she and her mother had the right idea -- combining to get a more
expensive gift. And it's also commendable to get it there
comfortably before the wedding date. But maybe they just sent
it too soon?
#Post#: 58024--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: Aleko Date: September 25, 2020, 11:44 am
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I'm with everyone else here. The idea that the couple ought to
send the gift back rests on the assumption that wedding presents
are essentially payment for a seat at the shindig, which is a
horrid idea.
Odd, too, that the LW and her mother, neither of whom is
particularly close to the bride either emotionally or by blood
(second cousin) leapt in and bought 'one of the more expensive
items on the registry'. I suspect darkly that they expected the
wedding presents to be on display at the reception and wanted to
impress everyone with their generosity. Now that isn't going to
happen, they're sorry they bought anything at all.
#Post#: 58025--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: STiG Date: September 25, 2020, 11:57 am
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The circumstances were unavoidable; therefore, there should be
no expectation of gifts being returned.
However, if the happy couple, in non-Covid times, suddenly
decided to just up and elope, rather than go through with a
larger ceremony and reception? I think they should at least ask
the question of whether or not the giver would like the gift
returned. I would think most people would say no.
#Post#: 58026--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: NFPwife Date: September 25, 2020, 12:00 pm
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1869.msg58024#msg58024
date=1601052249]
I'm with everyone else here. The idea that the couple ought to
send the gift back rests on the assumption that wedding presents
are essentially payment for a seat at the shindig, which is a
horrid idea.
Odd, too, that the LW and her mother, neither of whom is
particularly close to the bride either emotionally or by blood
(second cousin) leapt in and bought 'one of the more expensive
items on the registry'. I suspect darkly that they expected the
wedding presents to be on display at the reception and wanted to
impress everyone with their generosity. Now that isn't going to
happen, they're sorry they bought anything at all.
[/quote]
I'll admit that a form of the bolded crossed my mind, I thought,
"If it were for a bridal shower, they might have wanted credit."
In my region, excepting my cousin, gifts aren't opened or
displayed at the reception. I still think the mention that they
bought one of the more expensive gifts on the registry points to
something. Would gifts be opened the morning after at a brunch?
Would they mention what they bought at their table or to other
guests?
I've thought about this thread and the overall lack of
generosity a couple times. I wonder if there's something about
living in the stress and anxiety of a pandemic that has some
people's brains flipping to a scarcity mindset and becoming
parsimonious without reason? (I realize some people are in worse
financial conditions and have to belt tighten, I mean people
whose income is largely unchanged and they're getting miserly.)
Because the only thing different here is the LW is not attending
the wedding. Like I said upthread, if anything, the LW has saved
money, so it's not, rationally, about the money. They're either
considering the gift a ticket for a meal and entertainment, they
want some sort of social recognition for the expensive gift, or
they've gotten irrationally miserly.
#Post#: 58037--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: Soop Date: September 25, 2020, 1:40 pm
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1869.msg58024#msg58024
date=1601052249]
I'm with everyone else here. The idea that the couple ought to
send the gift back rests on the assumption that wedding presents
are essentially payment for a seat at the shindig, which is a
horrid idea.
Odd, too, that the LW and her mother, neither of whom is
particularly close to the bride either emotionally or by blood
(second cousin) leapt in and bought 'one of the more expensive
items on the registry'. I suspect darkly that they expected the
wedding presents to be on display at the reception and wanted to
impress everyone with their generosity. Now that isn't going to
happen, they're sorry they bought anything at all.
[/quote]
That part made me think of a friend's wedding (must be about 25
years ago). My friend, the bride, had a Trousseau Tea
HTML https://www.pondsideministries.com/the-trousseau-tea-a-lost-pre-wedding-tradition/.<br
/>It's kind of a dead tradition, where the Mother of the bride h
ad
a tea party to show off all the gifts and the bride's trousseau.
I found it very strange...kind of bragging about your loot. I
think it would have been something more meaningful back when
brides spent years filling their hope chest full of hand
embroidered linens and hand made clothing.
#Post#: 58039--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: Aleko Date: September 25, 2020, 1:48 pm
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[quote]However, if the happy couple, in non-Covid times,
suddenly decided to just up and elope, rather than go through
with a larger ceremony and reception? I think they should at
least ask the question of whether or not the giver would like
the gift returned.[/quote]
That is a slightly different situation, though. If a couple
simply changed their minds about what they want (that is,
they’re not being forced to change their plans, as it might be
by one of them being ordered on military service abroad, or the
parents of one of them dying suddenly), they’re essentially
saying to the disinvited guests that ‘we are disinviting you as
we no longer feel your presence necessary’, and I agree that
they should offer to return any gifts they have already
received.
#Post#: 58040--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: TootsNYC Date: September 25, 2020, 1:59 pm
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1869.msg58024#msg58024
date=1601052249]
I'm with everyone else here. The idea that the couple ought to
send the gift back rests on the assumption that wedding presents
are essentially payment for a seat at the shindig, which is a
horrid idea.
Odd, too, that the LW and her mother, neither of whom is
particularly close to the bride either emotionally or by blood
(second cousin) leapt in and bought 'one of the more expensive
items on the registry'. I suspect darkly that they expected the
wedding presents to be on display at the reception and wanted to
impress everyone with their generosity. Now that isn't going to
happen, they're sorry they bought anything at all.
[/quote]
Does that happen anymore? I thought that tradition had
completely died out. And the times that I ever saw it, they were
never on display at the reception; they were on display at the
bride's parents' home, and visitors would drop by to peep at
them.
#Post#: 58047--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: gramma dishes Date: September 25, 2020, 2:45 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1869.msg58040#msg58040
date=1601060385]
Does that happen anymore? I thought that tradition had
completely died out. And the times that I ever saw it, they were
never on display at the reception; they were on display at the
bride's parents' home, and visitors would drop by to peep at
them.
[/quote]
I haven't seen that in years, but when I was a child, the first
several weddings I attended were like that. The wedding vows
were exchanged and then the bridal party and all the guests
reassembled in the church activity room (often the church
basement) and people brought the gifts in there instead of
sending them to the bride's home ahead of time.
Depending on the number of gifts either the gifts would be
opened by the couple first and then cake and punch served or the
cake and punch would be served first and then gifts would be
opened. As they were opened everyone ooooed and awwwed. And
yes, they did usually get at least three toasters.
#Post#: 58050--------------------------------------------------
Re: LW wants gift returned because of Covid wedding change
By: NFPwife Date: September 25, 2020, 3:00 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1869.msg58040#msg58040
date=1601060385]
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1869.msg58024#msg58024
date=1601052249]
I'm with everyone else here. The idea that the couple ought to
send the gift back rests on the assumption that wedding presents
are essentially payment for a seat at the shindig, which is a
horrid idea.
Odd, too, that the LW and her mother, neither of whom is
particularly close to the bride either emotionally or by blood
(second cousin) leapt in and bought 'one of the more expensive
items on the registry'. I suspect darkly that they expected the
wedding presents to be on display at the reception and wanted to
impress everyone with their generosity. Now that isn't going to
happen, they're sorry they bought anything at all.
[/quote]
Does that happen anymore? I thought that tradition had
completely died out. And the times that I ever saw it, they were
never on display at the reception; they were on display at the
bride's parents' home, and visitors would drop by to peep at
them.
[/quote]
In the last decade (maybe two) we've been invited to at about
three brunches, at the bride's family's home, to watch the
couple open their gifts. We declined. To paraphrase my husband,
"How much more of our weekend do they want?" ;D (I went to one
without him and didn't mind skipping the subsequent ones.)
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