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#Post#: 58475--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: sms Date: October 5, 2020, 12:55 pm
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I wish I didn't feel this way but I think I would still feel B
listed.
I understand it - guest lists are severely limited and a lot
more people that wouldn't normally be cut are going to be cut.
I wouldn't really be offended but I don't think I would be able
to convince myself that I wasn't on the B list though.
It's just a feeling.
#Post#: 58500--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: lakey Date: October 5, 2020, 5:46 pm
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As far as "attending" a zoom wedding, and sending a gift, I
still feel that my reaction would depend on how close I am to
the couple. That's what would really matter to me. As far as, if
it had been a normal reception, they would have invited 100
people, but since it is zoom, they increased the guest list to
200, that makes me suspect that maybe the extra 100 guests were
people that they weren't all that close to. Or not. Anyway, each
invitee has to look at their relationship with the couple and
decide whether to expend the time on a normal wedding or a zoom
wedding, and whether to send a gift. If someone is a good friend
of mine, but I've only met her daughter, the bride, once or
twice, I probably wouldn't attend.
#Post#: 58506--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: Gellchom Date: October 5, 2020, 8:59 pm
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I have to ask myself, though, how it’s different from a
situation in which a couple originally contemplated a wedding at
a tiny venue that only seats thirty or a destination wedding, in
neither of which cases I would have been invited, but then
decided to have a big wedding for 200 instead, and now I am.
My relationship to the HC themselves is not a determining factor
for me. At my age, 63, except for relatives, and even then
sometimes, I’m much more likely to know the parents well than
the bride and groom. I rarely know both of them.
#Post#: 58536--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: jpcher Date: October 6, 2020, 3:18 pm
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[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1866.msg58449#msg58449
date=1601858519]
I learned a few things about the wedding pertinent to this
discussion.
- they hope to be able to have up to 30-40 people in live
attendance
- they invited 200 by Zoom (not sure whether or not that
includes the live attendees).
- I asked if it hadn't been during the pandemic and they could
have had a regular wedding, how many people they would have had.
He said they hadn't really thought about it, because the
couple only got engaged fairly recently, so it had never been an
option, but maybe around 100.
[/quote]
Gellchom -- thank you for posting this bit of actual
conversation. I think it just might change my mind about
B-listing and possible gift grabby.
I was thinking that Zoom-inviting people would only include the
people that you would otherwise invite but due to the pandemic,
social distancing and what not, are unable to attend the
physical event because of the restrictions.
Changing the live invites from 100 (budgeted) to 200 Zoom
invites (free) does bother me.
I'm not sure if it's akin to passing out/showing off wedding
photos after the event or not. Or even if it's a new form of
wedding announcement.
Looking forward to what others have to say.
#Post#: 58545--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: NFPwife Date: October 6, 2020, 9:47 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=jpcher link=topic=1866.msg58536#msg58536
date=1602015530]
[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1866.msg58449#msg58449
date=1601858519]
I learned a few things about the wedding pertinent to this
discussion.
- they hope to be able to have up to 30-40 people in live
attendance
- they invited 200 by Zoom (not sure whether or not that
includes the live attendees).
- I asked if it hadn't been during the pandemic and they could
have had a regular wedding, how many people they would have had.
He said they hadn't really thought about it, because the
couple only got engaged fairly recently, so it had never been an
option, but maybe around 100.
[/quote]
Gellchom -- thank you for posting this bit of actual
conversation. I think it just might change my mind about
B-listing and possible gift grabby.
I was thinking that Zoom-inviting people would only include the
people that you would otherwise invite but due to the pandemic,
social distancing and what not, are unable to attend the
physical event because of the restrictions.
Changing the live invites from 100 (budgeted) to 200 Zoom
invites (free) does bother me.
I'm not sure if it's akin to passing out/showing off wedding
photos after the event or not. Or even if it's a new form of
wedding announcement.
Looking forward to what others have to say.
[/quote]
I agree, if the Zoom invite extends beyond what the original
guest list would have been, then it feels gift grabby, at worst,
or that the couple has over estimated people's interest in their
nuptials. I'd consider my relationship to the couple, or the
family if I knew only the parents, when deciding whether or not
to gift - or even to show up.
I have weeks where I'm on Zoom for 12-15 hours. I have a couple
coming up that will approach 24. I'd have to have a fairly close
relationship in the couple to Zoom on those weeks.
#Post#: 58555--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: DaDancingPsych Date: October 7, 2020, 7:04 am
---------------------------------------------------------
There are just some threads that get me thinking; I guess this
is one of them.
I have been thinking about which weddings I would want to attend
virtually. That lists seems to be much smaller than the
in-person list.
My brother's wedding (where I would probably be invited guest
number 5), absolutely! In fact, I would anticipate an in-person
invite, as he's in my bubble.
My very good friend (where I would probably be invited guest
number 50), sure. We talk every few days and I have gotten to
play witness to the relationship. (I helped plan the first date
and engagement.)
My hobby friend (where I would probably be invited guest number
100), maybe? I did attend the in-person wedding as I see the
couple a few times a month, but I'm not sure it would be very
enjoyable to sit and watch virtually. Maybe I would pass and
just hear about it the next time I see friend.
Distant friend of 15 years ago (where I would probably be
invited guest number 201... and likely would not have made the
cut for an in-person wedding), no thank you. I am only in touch
with this friend a few times a year and this seems like a boring
way to spend an afternoon. I'm not sure I would have enjoyed the
in-person version either. I'll just send my well wishes in
another way.
In short, while I think Zoom weddings allows you to easily
expand the guest list, I think the number of interested guests
actually shortens. I realize that people planning weddings at
this point are just trying to deal with the circumstances, but I
think I might consider cutting the list more out of
consideration for the enjoyment of my guests.
#Post#: 58579--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: jpcher Date: October 7, 2020, 1:46 pm
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DaDancingPsych -- Thank you for posting that. It is a very nice
break down of whether I would attend a Zoom wedding or not.
#Post#: 58580--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: TootsNYC Date: October 7, 2020, 1:54 pm
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DaDancePsych, I love your estimate of "I'd probably be the 5th /
10th / 200th person invited..."
I think in most situations, we KNOW where we would probably
fall.
I think that's why my DH wasn't insulted to be B-listed that one
time. We knew they'd have other people who would naturally fall
before us, and they wouldn't have HAD to invite us at all. But
they did, and it wasn't an insult to know that there were 80
other people who came before us, because of course they did.
#Post#: 59066--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: Gellchom Date: October 16, 2020, 9:22 am
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1866.msg58580#msg58580
date=1602096888]
DaDancePsych, I love your estimate of "I'd probably be the 5th /
10th / 200th person invited..."
I think in most situations, we KNOW where we would probably
fall.
I think that's why my DH wasn't insulted to be B-listed that one
time. We knew they'd have other people who would naturally fall
before us, and they wouldn't have HAD to invite us at all. But
they did, and it wasn't an insult to know that there were 80
other people who came before us, because of course they did.
[/quote]
That is a very good point. What is so terrible, really, about
not being on the very short list of people who would be invited
to a smaller event? We can't be everyone's very best friend. I
wouldn't WANT to be in inner circle of everyone I like!
I don't think this is really "B listing," anyway. I think that
that term means hosts treating some guests better than others --
like, some guests get a full meal, others are only invited for
dessert.
This is more like the "second flight" situation -- where the
hosts realize that for some reason (change in venue, infusion of
cash, learning that a larger number of invitees than anticipated
will be unable to attend, etc.) they will be able to invite more
people, so they do. That doesn't mean that they are inviting
people they don't care about just to increase their gifts! Not
at all. Everyone has some "maybes" on their invitation list
that they end up not being able to include. Often, these people
are not borderline acquaintances at all -- they may be more like
"would love love love to invite but don't have space because of
the people on the 'must invite' list."
But it all gets blurred in the Zoom situation. I mean, that
father of the bride in the 200 person Zoom wedding told me he
figured maybe they would've had 100 at an in-person wedding --
but I don't think he even thought about it until I asked; they
hadn't planned and then cancelled an in-person wedding for 100.
So it's more like a couple deciding to have a wedding for 200 in
the park with pizza; if they could only have had 50 for a more
expensive/smaller venue, does that mean that the other 150 are
"B list" or otherwise insulted? Maybe it's a compliment -- "We
could've had a fancier reception, but it was more important to
us to have more of our family and friends."
Extrapolating to Zoom, I guess you could even say that a Zoom
wedding for 30 is nicer than a Zoom wedding for 200 -- you can't
see everyone at the same time, etc.; we all know the down sides
of very large Zoom events. But they chose a Zoom for 200 anyway
so they could include more people. Are 170 "B" guests?
I do think that I would feel different if it were 1000.
I think there is a whole new area of etiquette to be written.
#Post#: 59108--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: LifeOnPluto Date: October 16, 2020, 11:12 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=PVZFan link=topic=1866.msg58545#msg58545
date=1602038861]
[quote author=jpcher link=topic=1866.msg58536#msg58536
date=1602015530]
[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1866.msg58449#msg58449
date=1601858519]
I learned a few things about the wedding pertinent to this
discussion.
- they hope to be able to have up to 30-40 people in live
attendance
- they invited 200 by Zoom (not sure whether or not that
includes the live attendees).
- I asked if it hadn't been during the pandemic and they could
have had a regular wedding, how many people they would have had.
He said they hadn't really thought about it, because the
couple only got engaged fairly recently, so it had never been an
option, but maybe around 100.
[/quote]
Gellchom -- thank you for posting this bit of actual
conversation. I think it just might change my mind about
B-listing and possible gift grabby.
I was thinking that Zoom-inviting people would only include the
people that you would otherwise invite but due to the pandemic,
social distancing and what not, are unable to attend the
physical event because of the restrictions.
Changing the live invites from 100 (budgeted) to 200 Zoom
invites (free) does bother me.
I'm not sure if it's akin to passing out/showing off wedding
photos after the event or not. Or even if it's a new form of
wedding announcement.
Looking forward to what others have to say.
[/quote]
I agree, if the Zoom invite extends beyond what the original
guest list would have been, then it feels gift grabby, at worst,
or that the couple has over estimated people's interest in their
nuptials. I'd consider my relationship to the couple, or the
family if I knew only the parents, when deciding whether or not
to gift - or even to show up.
I have weeks where I'm on Zoom for 12-15 hours. I have a couple
coming up that will approach 24. I'd have to have a fairly close
relationship in the couple to Zoom on those weeks.
[/quote]
This is where I fall too. If I were getting married and having a
Zoom wedding, I wouldn't invite any extra guests over and above
the number I would have invited, had they been attending in
person. Or - at the very least - if I did invite any "extras",
I'd say 'no gifts please'.
The question of whether to send a gift if you're a Zoom guest is
an interesting conundrum! I think it could be tricky if you
aren't sure if you would have been invited if it was a non-Zoom
wedding. (For example, if the Bride or Groom was a friendly
colleague from work, or something). I wouldn't want to upset the
HC by not sending anything! I'd probably give them a small gift
unless I was reasonably confident that I would never have been
invited to a non-Zoom wedding.
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