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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 57879--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
DIR By: lakey
Date: September 23, 2020, 2:37 pm
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My gift giving would be based on my relationship with the bride
and/or groom, and the reasons why they issued a "Zoom"
invitation only. If I were close to the bride and felt that they
would have invited me to attend, but truly couldn't because of
covid, I would send a gift.
Since it is a second wedding, and you've only met the bride
twice, it looks gift grabby to me, so I wouldn't send a gift. I
think that the registry on the invitation is bad manners but
that isn't as important to me as the fact that you really don't
know this couple, and yet they are putting you in a position of
maybe needing to get them a gift. I don't think you're being
petty, I think you are being realistic. If you are close to
someone you want to celebrate their event and a gift is part of
that celebration. If you barely know someone, it is a gift grab.
Just my opinion.
#Post#: 57880--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
DIR By: lakey
Date: September 23, 2020, 2:42 pm
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Also, I've given fairly expensive gifts to people who flew off
to Las Vegas to be married without family and friends present.
One couple was a nephew and his live in girlfriend, the other
was a friend who was getting married for the third time. In both
cases the couples expected nothing in the line of gifts. There
were no invitations of any kind and no wedding announcements. I
gave them gifts because I was happy for them and wanted to.
#Post#: 57883--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
DIR By: Gellchom
Date: September 23, 2020, 4:00 pm
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--- Quote from: TootsNYC link ---
>
> [quote author=Jem link=topic=1866.msg57850#msg57850
date=1600873311]
> Are you being petty? Well, sortof, but from what you told us
you are not close with the couple getting married. If you cannot
joyfully give a gift, then don't! I am not saying that
facetiously at all. If you actually want to give the couple a
gift, do that, but if you don't, I wouldn't feel compelled to do
so.
>
--- End Quote ---
I agree with this.
I think it's wrong to label this a B-list in the time of highly
contagious disease that seems to love weddings as a vector for
infecting lots and lots of people (all 7 of the people who died
from that wedding in Maine didn't even attend, nor did they come
in direct contact with someone who did; they got infected
because someone who worked at their care facility lived in the
same house as someone who did, picked it up, and brought it to
work)
If there weren't a pandemic on, you might have been simply
invited. I think it's a waste of time to be offended.
And so I would give a gift based on whether I would have given
one had I been invited. I would feel a small obligation to give
something, but it would be small, given that it's a second
wedding and you're not close, and you might have declined
anyway.
We were obviously B-listed to a wedding of a cousin, and my
husband refused to be insulted. "They could have just not
invited us at all. And wedding are expensive, and you can end up
with a LOT of people on your list pretty quickly. It's perfectly
sensible that we fell a little ways down the list, and it's nice
that they thought of us at all."
I've decided he was right.
[/quote]
I can't put it any better than this, especially the bolded.
You don't say that you think you would not have been invited in
person absent the pandemic.
Do whatever you would have done if times were normal and you had
received a regular invitation.
#Post#: 57919--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: September 24, 2020, 8:08 am
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--- Quote from: lakey link ---
>
> My gift giving would be based on my relationship with the
bride and/or groom, and the reasons why they issued a "Zoom"
invitation only. If I were close to the bride and felt that they
would have invited me to attend, but truly couldn't because of
covid, I would send a gift.
>
> Since it is a second wedding, and you've only met the bride
twice, it looks gift grabby to me, so I wouldn't send a gift. I
think that the registry on the invitation is bad manners but
that isn't as important to me as the fact that you really don't
know this couple, and yet they are putting you in a position of
maybe needing to get them a gift. I don't think you're being
petty, I think you are being realistic. If you are close to
someone you want to celebrate their event and a gift is part of
that celebration. If you barely know someone, it is a gift grab.
Just my opinion.
>
--- End Quote ---
I agree if this was a personalized wedding invitation. But we
all know that invites are mass printed so the groom's dad's
golfing buddy gets the exact same invite as Aunt Gertrude and
Uncle Donald.
I don't "like" registar info on the invitation. I'd much rather
a note about a website and then I can go look for the info there
if I want it. But I also like the old fashioned approach of
reaching out to the couple's parents or closer friend to obtain
the info.
But I'm not going to say it is gift grabby because the same
invite went out to everyone.
#Post#: 57940--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
DIR By: violinp
Date: September 24, 2020, 11:26 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Gellchom link ---
>
> [quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1866.msg57853#msg57853
date=1600874199]
> [quote author=Jem link=topic=1866.msg57850#msg57850
date=1600873311]
> Are you being petty? Well, sortof, but from what you told us
you are not close with the couple getting married. If you cannot
joyfully give a gift, then don't! I am not saying that
facetiously at all. If you actually want to give the couple a
gift, do that, but if you don't, I wouldn't feel compelled to do
so.
>
--- End Quote ---
I agree with this.
I think it's wrong to label this a B-list in the time of highly
contagious disease that seems to love weddings as a vector for
infecting lots and lots of people (all 7 of the people who died
from that wedding in Maine didn't even attend, nor did they come
in direct contact with someone who did; they got infected
because someone who worked at their care facility lived in the
same house as someone who did, picked it up, and brought it to
work)
If there weren't a pandemic on, you might have been simply
invited. I think it's a waste of time to be offended.
And so I would give a gift based on whether I would have given
one had I been invited. I would feel a small obligation to give
something, but it would be small, given that it's a second
wedding and you're not close, and you might have declined
anyway.
We were obviously B-listed to a wedding of a cousin, and my
husband refused to be insulted. "They could have just not
invited us at all. And wedding are expensive, and you can end up
with a LOT of people on your list pretty quickly. It's perfectly
sensible that we fell a little ways down the list, and it's nice
that they thought of us at all."
I've decided he was right.
[/quote]
I can't put it any better than this, especially the bolded.
You don't say that you think you would not have been invited in
person absent the pandemic.
Do whatever you would have done if times were normal and you had
received a regular invitation.
[/quote]
This. It's not a B list if they are legit trying to make sure
all their loved ones get to see them marry. There are likely in
- person restrictions that keep them from having all the people
they would have wanted. One of my friends was told she had to
cut her wedding down from 300 (huge families on both sides) to
150...and then 2 weeks before her wedding was told only 50 were
allowed. She and her now husband had to call 100 people in their
family and close loved ones and tell them they couldn't come in
person. And it sucked. I can't imagine the level of stress she
and her husband had. You cannot assume you were B - listed
because of something like this.
#Post#: 57946--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: September 24, 2020, 12:27 pm
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We are living "safety trumps etiquette" every. single. day. This
couple is doing the best they can in the middle of a global
pandemic. This isn't a B-list invite, it's a "We're trying to
navigate an insane situation and still get married and share the
day with the people we love" invitation.
I'd set the gift budget on what I'd give if I were attending and
might add a touch because... global pandemic. (Also, I'm not out
anything to attend this wedding. Not driving to it or staying
overnight. Not even buying the $12 shiny hose I like because...
Zoom.)
#Post#: 58145--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
DIR By: iolaus
Date: September 28, 2020, 11:06 am
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--- Quote from: violinp link ---
> One of my friends was told she had to cut her wedding down
from 300 (huge families on both sides) to 150...and then 2 weeks
before her wedding was told only 50 were allowed. She and her
now husband had to call 100 people in their family and close
loved ones and tell them they couldn't come in person. And it
sucked. I can't imagine the level of stress she and her husband
had.
>
--- End Quote ---
Be grateful she's not in England from today you can only have 15
(down from 30) - though the person conducting the ceremony
doesn't count in the 15 (I think the Bridge and Groom do) (I
want to say it's 20 in Scotland and 30 in Wales still)
Baptisms and christenings are even smaller - 6 people (not
including the vicar - but does include the baby)
#Post#: 58194--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
DIR By: jpcher
Date: September 29, 2020, 2:51 pm
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I agree with others to send them a gift that you would if you
were attending. I don't think that Zooming weddings, etc. were a
thing before this pandemic and at this time and age it is not
B-listing.
Consider my MIL who passed away earlier this year. She was very
explicit on what she wanted for her passing ceremonies which
included a full Mass where nobody was turned away at the door
(MIL was very active in her church and loved by all). MIL also
asked for a reception (I think that's what you would call it) at
a specific place and even wanted a certain menu to be served.
MIL's two sons and one daughter very much wanted to comply with
her last wishes. They set a date for the Mass/reception for
mid-September thinking that all this would be over with. Not.
They had to cancel the plans simply because they didn't know who
to invite and did not want to B-list anybody.
Meanwhile MIL's sons and daughter held a very private ceremony
(just the three of them) and put MIL's ashes urn into the crypt
along side of her husbands.
Who knows when MIL's Mass/reception will take place.
Anyway, sorry for the slight derailment, but I don't think you
were B-listed and you should gift what you think is appropriate
for the relationship that you have with HC.
#Post#: 58196--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: September 29, 2020, 3:21 pm
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I agree. Not necessarily a B-list; gift as you would normally,
but a thought...
We all know that couples have to sometimes make tough decisions
when it comes to wedding numbers. They may have to keep to a
specific cutoff number for various reasons and it can sometimes
be tricky to decide who to keep and who to cut. This Zoom allows
them to not have to cut anyone! So it's possible that a few
people who may have been cut from an in-person wedding are
invited to the virtual one.
The last two weddings that I attending (pre-covid) both had me
scratching my head. I was delighted to be invited, but I never
imagined that I would make the cut! I wonder if those weddings
would have been this summer and I was invited to Zoom if I would
have felt a bit like the OP. Either way, I may still have
attended virtually and would have likely sent a gift for both.
#Post#: 58197--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
DIR By: Gellchom
Date: September 29, 2020, 3:38 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I was thinking something similar to DaDancingPsych.
I mean, I don't think that the OP's situation is a B list or
otherwise improper. I'm assuming that the guest list (the small
in-person number plus the Zoom number) is the same or pretty
close, with perhaps a few additions, as DaDancingPsych says.
I think it's understandable to invite more people to a Zoom
event if your budget would not have allowed you to invite all
the people you truly want to be there. I don't know how you'd
even judge which guests were the "extras" if you were planning
it as a Zoom event from the start. So far, we are mostly seeing
weddings that had been planned as in-person events that had to
be rescheduled as Zoom weddings. But now we will be seeing more
that are planned as a Zoom from the get go.
But I suppose a Zoom wedding would allow a more mercenary couple
who might have invited, say, 150 to a regular wedding to invite,
like, a THOUSAND people to a Zoom wedding. That wouldn't be a B
list situation -- but it would be a gift grab, big time.
And the guests wouldn't even know it until they show up for the
Zoom wedding and see all those people there (attendance seems
usually to be quite high for a Zoom event).
Now, I haven't heard of this happening. But I fear it's only a
matter of time. ...
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