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#Post#: 57848--------------------------------------------------
When a Zoom invite is a B List invite (update #41)
By: IWish Date: September 23, 2020, 9:36 am
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I need your advice as to a wedding gift. The daughter of a
couple we're friends with sent us a nicely printed wedding
invitation. We are invited to log on to Zoom on the wedding day
and watch the ceremony. After talking to the mother of the bride
we found out that there will be other guests in attendance at
the outdoor ceremony. So, we are "B" listers. I totally get
having to or wanting to limit in person guests due to Covid. We
wouldn't have gone anyway (still trying to avoid gatherings.)
I am wondering what you all would do regarding a gift: Send one?
Send a lesser one since we were not invited to be there in
person?
More details if it helps - it is a second marriage for the bride
and they have been living together for two years. The registry
information was printed on the back of the invitation. We're not
super close to the parents anymore. I've met the bride twice. I
don't want to be cheap and I do acknowledge the difficulty of
planning celebrations during Covid. But I will admit it struck
me as a bit off to have registry info posted on an obviously B
list Zoom invite for a second wedding. Am I being petty in not
wanting to spend what I normally would on a wedding gift? I will
abide by your consensus.
#Post#: 57849--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: oogyda Date: September 23, 2020, 9:57 am
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First off, don't worry about abiding by our consensus. Gather
information and make your own decision.
It IS "off" to have the registry information on the invitation.
That piece of etiquette has not changed. It's appropriate to
have and publish a "wedding website" and put the registry
information there or spread by word of mouth.
I would feel the same as you about being "B" listed. Especially
if they are having some sort of reception that you are not
invited to as well. I guess I would probably send a card.
Possibly with a gift card at the low end of my giving practices.
#Post#: 57850--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: Jem Date: September 23, 2020, 10:01 am
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Are you being petty? Well, sortof, but from what you told us you
are not close with the couple getting married. If you cannot
joyfully give a gift, then don't! I am not saying that
facetiously at all. If you actually want to give the couple a
gift, do that, but if you don't, I wouldn't feel compelled to do
so.
#Post#: 57853--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: TootsNYC Date: September 23, 2020, 10:16 am
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[quote author=Jem link=topic=1866.msg57850#msg57850
date=1600873311]
Are you being petty? Well, sortof, but from what you told us you
are not close with the couple getting married. If you cannot
joyfully give a gift, then don't! I am not saying that
facetiously at all. If you actually want to give the couple a
gift, do that, but if you don't, I wouldn't feel compelled to do
so.
[/quote]
I agree with this.
I think it's wrong to label this a B-list in the time of highly
contagious disease that seems to love weddings as a vector for
infecting lots and lots of people (all 7 of the people who died
from that wedding in Maine didn't even attend, nor did they come
in direct contact with someone who did; they got infected
because someone who worked at their care facility lived in the
same house as someone who did, picked it up, and brought it to
work)
If there weren't a pandemic on, you might have been simply
invited. I think it's a waste of time to be offended.
And so I would give a gift based on whether I would have given
one had I been invited. I would feel a small obligation to give
something, but it would be small, given that it's a second
wedding and you're not close, and you might have declined
anyway.
We were obviously B-listed to a wedding of a cousin, and my
husband refused to be insulted. "They could have just not
invited us at all. And wedding are expensive, and you can end up
with a LOT of people on your list pretty quickly. It's perfectly
sensible that we fell a little ways down the list, and it's nice
that they thought of us at all."
I've decided he was right.
#Post#: 57855--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: TootsNYC Date: September 23, 2020, 10:18 am
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I've also stopped judging people on including registry info. So
many guests want that info right away, and it just seems to be
not that horrible a thing anymore; it feels more like providing
the RSVP address or something (which didn't used to be A Thing,
nor was providing the RSVP stationery).
I don't think it's good form; I would tell people to not do it;
but I think it's a bit of a lost cause, and there are SO many
mixed messages out there that I don't hold it against people
anymore.
#Post#: 57856--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: TootsNYC Date: September 23, 2020, 10:19 am
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[quote author=oogyda link=topic=1866.msg57849#msg57849
date=1600873049]
First off, don't worry about abiding by our consensus. Gather
information and make your own decision.
[/quote]
I agree with this.
#Post#: 57858--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: DaDancingPsych Date: September 23, 2020, 10:25 am
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I really can't tell (and maybe you can't either) if this is a
case of...
A) Really close family being at the ceremony, but the majority
of the guests are Zoomers. I wouldn't find this rude, but rather
a necessity of the situation. (Although, I would have
recommended to the couple that they not provide registry
information at least for those not physically attending.)
or
B) A gift grab by inviting extra guests with little to no
hospitality (read costs). Obviously, that is rude.
What if you received an invitation to attend physically
pre-covid? What would you have done? Would you have been excited
to attend? Would you have declined, but sent a lovely gift?
Would you have declined and sent a token or no gift at all? My
decision of how to handle the current invitation would be
dependent on what I would have normally did.
If I was not particularly close to the couple and/or parents and
had no interest in attending the wedding, I would probably
decline. I might send a card with a small-ish gift if this is
someone that I want in my life. But if it is someone who has
faded and I am comfortable with that, then maybe no gift at all.
#Post#: 57864--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: Hmmm Date: September 23, 2020, 11:05 am
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[quote author=IWish link=topic=1866.msg57848#msg57848
date=1600871789]
snip:
I am wondering what you all would do regarding a gift: Send one?
Send a lesser one since we were not invited to be there in
person?
More details if it helps - it is a second marriage for the bride
and they have been living together for two years. The registry
information was printed on the back of the invitation. We're not
super close to the parents anymore. I've met the bride twice. I
don't want to be cheap and I do acknowledge the difficulty of
planning celebrations during Covid. But I will admit it struck
me as a bit off to have registry info posted on an obviously B
list Zoom invite for a second wedding. Am I being petty in not
wanting to spend what I normally would on a wedding gift? I will
abide by your consensus.
[/quote]
I don't have a "one size fits all" budget for a wedding gift.
What I spend is dependent on my relationship with the couple
(not the parents) and maybe to do with second and third
marriage.
I would not feel like this is "B" list invite because of Covid.
So being invited as a remote participant wouldn't factor into
it. The fact that you probably wouldn't have attended anyway
would factor into how much I spent.
I might spend $300 on a wedding gift for a niece or nephew, but
$200 for a cousin's son and maybe $50 to $100 on the child of a
friend who I don't know well.
When a good friend remarried in her early 30's I spent my
standard amount because her first marriage was more than a
decade before and was one of those 1 year and done things. When
my sister remarried in her 50's, I only spent about $100 on a
gift as they really weren't expecting gifts and had not
registered.
I agree that you do not need to abide by our opinions.
#Post#: 57866--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: IWish Date: September 23, 2020, 11:18 am
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Thanks for your feedback. I DO feel like I'm being petty by
internally noting the "flaws" in the invite. (Well, externally
pointing them out to you all. ;D) And I don't want to be! I
have no way of knowing how large the in person gathering will
be. We won't know that until the actual Zoom. If this was
pre-covid and we were invited to an actual ceremony, we would
feel obligated to go given our relationship with the parents. As
for the registry info on the invitation - I know it's a lost
cause and I can see that it makes sense in many cases. However,
for a second wedding and for a wedding that we're not actually
invited to, it still seems a bit off to include it. I think I'll
send the same gift I would have if we were attending, which is
to say, not quite as generous as if it was a first wedding of
someone we were closer to.
#Post#: 57875--------------------------------------------------
Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
By: DaDancingPsych Date: September 23, 2020, 1:43 pm
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Part of what we do on this board is discuss the flaws of others!
I think that we do it for educational reasons so that we can all
learn to interact better with others. When I hear about things
that couples do at their weddings that annoy, upset, or offend
their guests, then I know what to avoid doing myself.
When people commit a faux pas, I think it is typically out of
cluelessness. You know this couple better than any of us, but my
guess is that they are not evil terrible people. They didn't
include the registry to trick people into buying them all kinds
of gifts. They probably just thought it was the nice thing to
do. Or because they received invitations with them, they thought
it was what they were supposed to do. Or they read a wedding
website that told them to do it. I'm trying to teach myself to
concentrate less on the tackiness of the situation and more on
the intentions. If the person meant well, I can certainly figure
out how to forgive their error.
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