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#Post#: 57344--------------------------------------------------
They will party all night...
By: sms Date: September 14, 2020, 8:39 am
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So this confounded me a little...
I spent the weekend with an old high school friend who was
having a small dinner party ( only five and within Covid limits
in Canada ) Or so I thought.
The dinner was delicious and the company - two I knew including
the host ( Lynne ) and the others I met for the first time - was
great. We were having a good time and enjoying good food and
drinks. It was winding down around 1:00 am - two guests had
left by then and I was staying overnight since I had come from
several hours away to visit for the weekend. All of a sudden
the door opened and three more people come rocking up wanting to
party. Lynne is definitely a partier. She is welcoming them in
and pouring the drinks.
They inform us they are here to go partying and take us with
them. I don't know these people and Lynne looks at me
imploringly with puppy dog eyes and wants to go. I really
don't. I'm tired. Big parties are a significant Covid risk.
Even if Covid wasn't an issue I know that they will be out all
night and I'm just not up for it.
I quietly say to Lynne that no - I don't want to go but you go
if you want. I'll stay here. I've known her long long enough
to be comfortable in her home but I didn't actually expect her
to go ( silly me! ).
They all went out and didn't turn up again until about six am.
I don't know what else I could have done. I wasn't happy with
the way the evening turned out and felt like I couldn't say much
since it wasn't my home but I never would have allowed other
people to hijack the evening that way.
I felt like both a party pooper and an afterthought at the same
time.
Has anyone had anything similar happen? What did you do?
#Post#: 57345--------------------------------------------------
Re: They will party all night...
By: Jem Date: September 14, 2020, 9:28 am
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I wouldn't take this personally as a snub, but I would probably
consider whether to stay overnight with this friend going
forward. Calling it a night at 1:00 is not being a party pooper
unless you are running with a crowd of ravers, IMHO. When I was
very young I might party until the wee hours, but as an adult
certainly not. I have things to do the next day!
But again, I wouldn't take this as a personal slight. I think
your friend took you at your word and since she wanted to keep
partying, she did. It doesn't sound like she made a big deal
over you NOT continuing to party.
#Post#: 57346--------------------------------------------------
Re: They will party all night...
By: sms Date: September 14, 2020, 9:35 am
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She certainly took me at my word ::)
I didn't really feel snubbed so much since I was invited to go
along but I thought it was a little inconsiderate kwim?
It's just such a long drive to visit her. I could stay in a
hotel but I think she might feel hurt if I did that.
#Post#: 57347--------------------------------------------------
Re: They will party all night...
By: Jem Date: September 14, 2020, 9:44 am
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[quote author=Xainte link=topic=1852.msg57346#msg57346
date=1600094100]
She certainly took me at my word ::)
I didn't really feel snubbed so much since I was invited to go
along but I thought it was a little inconsiderate kwim?
It's just such a long drive to visit her. I could stay in a
hotel but I think she might feel hurt if I did that.
[/quote]
Oh absolutely she was inconsiderate! I don't get the sense she
was mean spirited about it, but I would feel a little upset just
like you do! I just meant that I don't think she was
intentionally inconsiderate (even though she was in fact
inconsiderate).
#Post#: 57348--------------------------------------------------
Re: They will party all night...
By: Hmmm Date: September 14, 2020, 9:54 am
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With the current restrictions, I don't think it was appropriate
for her to invite the others to stay. I also don't think it is
appropriate for her to go to a large event while having an
overnight guest and potentially exposing you the next day.
Pre-covid, I'm not sure how much this would have bothered me
unless I was thinking we were going to continue to visit for a
couple of more hours. Even in my younger days, I probably would
have been ready to head to bed by 1am, so my host deciding to go
out probably would have been fine for me. I would have only
been irritated if it impacted our plans for the next day or if I
was uncomfortable staying at the friend's home without them
being there. But I do have vague recollections of the
"migrating" evening. I remember one game night we hosted that as
it was winding down, someone suggested we all drive to the beach
to watch the sun come up. My sister was staying with me and she
chose to not go and I'm pretty sure she didn't care.
Were you thinking that you and her were going to get some quiet
time to chat and catch up before heading to bed?
****
Just as an aside, I was first :o :o :o :o People show up at
other's homes at 1am? :o :o :o :o
Then I remember my college days and young 20's when after the
bars closed at midnight or 2am, we might head to someone's home.
But man am I getting old. ;)
#Post#: 57350--------------------------------------------------
Re: They will party all night...
By: DaDancingPsych Date: September 14, 2020, 10:43 am
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How did her choice effect your visit? Did she sleep until noon
and you were left waiting for her to awake to continue
socializing? Was she grumpy the next day? Were you not planning
to spend time with her so it made no difference?
I'm going to make an interesting assumption that the two of you
are young. I feel like the rules are slightly different for
younger people. It's more socially acceptable to make plan
changes at a whim like this. But I still think that if a friend
drove a distance to spend time with me that I should not be
accepting other plans that may effect that visit. When Xainte
declined, I think that the friend should have declined. The only
thing that Xainte maybe should have done was remove the "but you
can go if you want to". But otherwise, I would probably have
done as you did. But I would take this into consideration for
future visits.
However, I think COVID changes everything, at least in my area.
The real problem would have been that my friend was heading to a
party that I assuming was over gathering limits and probably
with intoxicated folks who were failing to socially distance. I
would have probably expressed this within my decline. It might
have even meant that I cut the visit short as I would not have
wanted to be around her upon return. However, I would have made
my friend aware of my beliefs before the visit, so this would
not have been a surprise. Everyone that I have been socializing
with (and the list is very small) is well aware of the choices
that I have been making and vice versa. If I had a friend who
was attending large parties, I would probably not be visiting
her (especially overnight) for the time being.
A side note about getting a hotel room. I am the sort of person
who prefers to have her own space when visiting. So when making
plans, I have said things like, "I really appreciate your offer
to stay at your place, but I'm kinda weird. I am much more
comfortable with my own hotel room. However, I do want to visit
and do XYZ with you." When I make it more about me I think it
removes the sting if there is any.
#Post#: 57356--------------------------------------------------
Re: They will party all night...
By: sms Date: September 14, 2020, 12:39 pm
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[quote author=DaDancingPsych link=topic=1852.msg57350#msg57350
date=1600098187]
How did her choice effect your visit? Did she sleep until noon
and you were left waiting for her to awake to continue
socializing? Was she grumpy the next day? Were you not planning
to spend time with her so it made no difference?
I'm going to make an interesting assumption that the two of you
are young. I feel like the rules are slightly different for
younger people. It's more socially acceptable to make plan
changes at a whim like this. But I still think that if a friend
drove a distance to spend time with me that I should not be
accepting other plans that may effect that visit. When Xainte
declined, I think that the friend should have declined. The only
thing that Xainte maybe should have done was remove the "but you
can go if you want to". But otherwise, I would probably have
done as you did. But I would take this into consideration for
future visits.
However, I think COVID changes everything, at least in my area.
The real problem would have been that my friend was heading to a
party that I assuming was over gathering limits and probably
with intoxicated folks who were failing to socially distance. I
would have probably expressed this within my decline. It might
have even meant that I cut the visit short as I would not have
wanted to be around her upon return. However, I would have made
my friend aware of my beliefs before the visit, so this would
not have been a surprise. Everyone that I have been socializing
with (and the list is very small) is well aware of the choices
that I have been making and vice versa. If I had a friend who
was attending large parties, I would probably not be visiting
her (especially overnight) for the time being.
A side note about getting a hotel room. I am the sort of person
who prefers to have her own space when visiting. So when making
plans, I have said things like, "I really appreciate your offer
to stay at your place, but I'm kinda weird. I am much more
comfortable with my own hotel room. However, I do want to visit
and do XYZ with you." When I make it more about me I think it
removes the sting if there is any.
[/quote]
Ha ha noooo we are not young. We are mid forties and her party
crowd is middle-aged too. I agree the expectations are
different when you are younger and in my university days the
"migrating party" was very much a thing. Fond memories!
It didn't really affect the rest of the evening for me since I
was tired and ready to go to bed. It just felt a little off -
while I wasn't offended I kept wondering if I should be. I just
wouldn't have done it myself if I had overnight guests.
I know - I offered. That's on me which is why I'm not super
angry. But I felt a bit put on the spot. I know it wasn't
deliberate thoughtlessness but it's like she can't say no to an
invitation or a drop by.
It reminds me of an incident in a long ago weekend visit. We
had plans to hit a nice outdoor market and then had dinner
reservations at an Italian place. Her place is pretty "open
door" with people dropping by a lot ( the 1:30 am this time
threw me a little though )
So people dropped by and stayed and stayed. I caught her eye
and signalled the time - she nodded but kept up the conversation
and the drinks. And they stayed. Soon it was too late to go to
the market and an hour later we missed our dinner reservation.
Our dinner was Subway that night. After they finally left she
apologized but was acting helpless as though she had no control
over the situation. I was spitting nails inside but tried to
control it. I did ask why she just didn't tell them that we had
reservations and we needed to leave? Again with a helpless
shrug. She seems to have trouble with this.
#Post#: 57367--------------------------------------------------
Re: They will party all night...
By: DaDancingPsych Date: September 14, 2020, 1:44 pm
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[quote author=Xainte link=topic=1852.msg57356#msg57356
date=1600105157]
Ha ha noooo we are not young. We are mid forties and her party
crowd is middle-aged too. I agree the expectations are
different when you are younger and in my university days the
"migrating party" was very much a thing. Fond memories!
It didn't really affect the rest of the evening for me since I
was tired and ready to go to bed. It just felt a little off -
while I wasn't offended I kept wondering if I should be. I just
wouldn't have done it myself if I had overnight guests.
I know - I offered. That's on me which is why I'm not super
angry. But I felt a bit put on the spot. I know it wasn't
deliberate thoughtlessness but it's like she can't say no to an
invitation or a drop by.
It reminds me of an incident in a long ago weekend visit. We
had plans to hit a nice outdoor market and then had dinner
reservations at an Italian place. Her place is pretty "open
door" with people dropping by a lot ( the 1:30 am this time
threw me a little though )
So people dropped by and stayed and stayed. I caught her eye
and signalled the time - she nodded but kept up the conversation
and the drinks. And they stayed. Soon it was too late to go to
the market and an hour later we missed our dinner reservation.
Our dinner was Subway that night. After they finally left she
apologized but was acting helpless as though she had no control
over the situation. I was spitting nails inside but tried to
control it. I did ask why she just didn't tell them that we had
reservations and we needed to leave? Again with a helpless
shrug. She seems to have trouble with this.
[/quote]
Forgive my assumption; it sounds like we are close in age. I
think it's a bit more normal for our cohort to "stick to the
plan" and go to bed early (although 1am is late for me!) It's
fine that she lives her life differently, but I think at some
point that she may need to acknowledge that not everyone is like
that.
I don't think you need to convince yourself to be offended in
this situation. I agree with you that this is not how I would
want to treat my house guest, but it's fine... maybe even
wonderful that you are comfortable not demanding every second of
your host's time. I don't put all the blame on you for this
situation. She does need to be sensitive to your feelings, too.
The way that you described your friend (the puppy eyes) makes it
sound more forced. (I wonder what her typical behavior would be
if you had put your foot down?) But what I am saying is that I
do think that one can politely express their feelings about
choices.
Since this friend seems to have a history of doing things like
this, I think you have two options. You can express your
feelings. It's possible that she does not realize that any of
this bothers you. She seems to live her life like a leaf blowing
in the wind and maybe she doesn't realize that some of her
actions don't jive as well with you. Or I think you can accept
that this is who she is and that any visits have the potential
of going this way. That might mean that you visit less or not at
all or that you be willing to work with whatever is thrown your
way.
#Post#: 57369--------------------------------------------------
Re: They will party all night...
By: sandisadie Date: September 14, 2020, 2:03 pm
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I like that expression of someone living their life like a leaf
blowing in the wind. I've had a couple of friends who lived
that way too. Even when I was younger and liked to party into
the night I wasn't comfortable with these "friends". It seemed
to me that I wasn't that important to them and when someone else
popped up they were only too happy to participate and leave the
plans we had hanging. I think it's possible to take this kind
of person in small doses, knowing that plans are fluid.
#Post#: 57372--------------------------------------------------
Re: They will party all night...
By: sms Date: September 14, 2020, 2:31 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=sandisadie link=topic=1852.msg57369#msg57369
date=1600110190]
I like that expression of someone living their life like a leaf
blowing in the wind. I've had a couple of friends who lived
that way too. Even when I was younger and liked to party into
the night I wasn't comfortable with these "friends". It seemed
to me that I wasn't that important to them and when someone else
popped up they were only too happy to participate and leave the
plans we had hanging. I think it's possible to take this kind
of person in small doses, knowing that plans are fluid.
[/quote]
That sums her up! She has no off switch and I don't think it
occurs to her that others do. I've known her a long time and
she just never wants a good time to end. Long ago it was
getting forced out of a bar, then going to a house party where
she would literally stay until forced out by people having to
leave for work or class etc. Most people including myself would
go home hours ago.
This was when we were living in the same area so there wasn't
the same kind of "hosting guests" expectations.
Now we don't so a visit is an overnighter.
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