DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Entertaining and Hospitality
*****************************************************
#Post#: 56377--------------------------------------------------
Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?
By: Hmmm Date: August 24, 2020, 8:07 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I can't decide if I admire her backbone to not cave into her MIL
or stunned that she'd make the innocent feel so guilty.
Hostess wrote into Miss Manners that she had agreed to host a
small gathering of her MIL and 2 other guests. MIL extended the
invitation to 4 additional guests. Hostess learned of the
increased number 30 min prior to their arrival. Hostess locked
herself into her bedroom for the entire event. She later
followed up with an email to all explaining her actions and
asking that in the future they contact her or her husband to
confirm if they were actually invited if the invite was not
directly from one of them.
HTML https://www.uexpress.com/miss-manners/2020/8/22/overwhelmed-hostess-retreats-to-bedroom
Unless the 4 unexpected guests had a pattern of showing up
uninvited, I don't think I could have made them feel unwelcome,
no matter how uncomfortable or angry I was about the situation.
I hope the husband was able to cover with a "Wife started
feeling poorly and decided it is best to not potential exposure"
I do think her letter highlights where the blame should be.
#Post#: 56380--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?
By: Jem Date: August 24, 2020, 8:47 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I would not have handled this how the letter writer did, but I
would have been irked COVID issues aside. When people show up
who were not invited the entire tenor of the event can change.
I am reminded of a few years ago when I invited my mom, my
sister and my three nieces over to bake Christmas cookies at my
house. My daughter was so excited to spend time with her
cousins. My sister showed up with a random neighbor girl and
insisted that this girl get prime treatment ("let Greta have a
turn using the mixer") and "her share" of the cookies we made. I
was SO ANGRY about this because Greta was NOT invited and it
changed the entire event from a fun family bonding experience to
my child feeling like SHE was the one who was on the fringe
because my sister was making her kids focus on making Greta feel
"a part of the family." For what it's worth, Greta comes from a
happy and healthy family (I know Greta and her family; they are
nice people; but they are not MY family).
At any rate, when they arrived I said something like, "Oh - is
Greta getting picked up here in a few minutes? This is supposed
to be a family cookie baking afternoon," and my sister basically
blew me off. It was a tense afternoon, and I later sent my
sister an email directly stating that in the future when I
invite her and her family over I am NOT inviting over their
neighbors or anyone else......not because I am not hospitably,
but because when people who are not invited show up the tenor of
the event is totally different. I mean, MY daughter didn't
invite a friend over because she was looking forward to having
cousin time!
#Post#: 56383--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?
By: TootsNYC Date: August 24, 2020, 9:53 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote]Unless the 4 unexpected guests had a pattern of showing
up uninvited, [/quote]
I think the MIL has a pattern of dragging people along. And I
think those other people have a responsibility to not enable
her.
I'm guessing she knows it wouldn't do any good to put MIL on
blast.
But like you, I probably couldn't even have locked myself in my
bedroom.
I think she should have sent much the same email, but to each
person individually, with a more confidential tone.
#Post#: 56386--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?
By: lakey Date: August 24, 2020, 11:07 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I wouldn't have done it the way she did. The real problem isn't
the extra guests, but the MIL. The hostess would have to put her
foot down hard with MIL. She needs to tell MIL not to invite
extra guests. If that doesn't work, stop hosting events that
involve MIL. If MIL suggests hostess host a birthday party for
someone, hostess can say, "I'm not able to plan events like this
because I never know how many guests will show up." The only way
this will get better is if hostess, and likely her husband, stop
enabling the woman. I do know a couple of people who are pushy
like this and you have to be firm.
TootsNYC's suggestion for the email was good. If you think that
these same people might continue to be caught up in MIL's
boundary stomping, it might be necessary to clue them in.
#Post#: 56387--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?
By: Hmmm Date: August 24, 2020, 11:33 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=lakey link=topic=1831.msg56386#msg56386
date=1598285263]
I wouldn't have done it the way she did. The real problem isn't
the extra guests, but the MIL. The hostess would have to put her
foot down hard with MIL. She needs to tell MIL not to invite
extra guests. If that doesn't work, stop hosting events that
involve MIL. If MIL suggests hostess host a birthday party for
someone, hostess can say, "I'm not able to plan events like this
because I never know how many guests will show up." The only way
this will get better is if hostess, and likely her husband, stop
enabling the woman. I do know a couple of people who are pushy
like this and you have to be firm.
TootsNYC's suggestion for the email was good. If you think that
these same people might continue to be caught up in MIL's
boundary stomping, it might be necessary to clue them in.
[/quote]
Do you think her action of refusing to actively host the
additional guests and her follow up email will be enough to stop
the behavior? If not, what do you think would be sufficient to
stop the MIL from doing this in the future?
#Post#: 56388--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?
By: STiG Date: August 24, 2020, 11:38 am
---------------------------------------------------------
In the future, I think I'd invite the guests and not invite MIL!
In the letter writer's shoes, I'd have welcomed in the 4 guests
and either stretched what I had made (30 minutes notice?
Seriously?) or switched to a simple grilled cheese and canned
soup offering. And then send the email, individually,
apologizing for the less than stellar offerings as I wasn't
aware that there would be 4 additional guests in sufficient time
to plan and in future, it would be prudent to check with me if
MIL extends invitations, supposedly on my behalf.
#Post#: 56389--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?
By: Jem Date: August 24, 2020, 11:57 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I am not typically invited by someone other than a host to an
event, but if I am I take it on myself to contact the actual
host. It’s not even really that I don’t trust my friends and
family, it’s just that I would typically do something like send
a simple text: “Hi Jenny! Sam said to come by the open house
next Saturday - is there something I can bring?” Or even, “Hi
Jenny! Sam said to come by the open house - is there a certain
time frame you would prefer? I look forward to seeing you!” Or
possibly, “Hi Jenny! Congrats on ____. How will you celebrate?!”
That puts the ball in actual host’s court and also gives a way
out.
#Post#: 56390--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?
By: iolaus Date: August 24, 2020, 12:58 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Out of interest what are the rules for a 'stay at home order'?
I'm just going on what I would have assumed they were based on
what the local lockdown rules were for me (in Wales) - which
were you didn't go to someone else's home - including their
gardens (from 1st June it did ease two households (not three or
more) could meet up outdoors - and even then it was 5 miles
limit from your home (exemptions for work) - it's eased further
again now)
#Post#: 56392--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?
By: Aleko Date: August 24, 2020, 1:34 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
If any guest of mine rang 30 minutes before arriving to say that
she was bringing four extra guests with her, if l was
quick-thinking enough I’d tell her ‘Right. In that case you’ll
need to stop off at a supermarket on the way and buy four ribeye
steaks, a couple of pounds of new potatoes, a plum streusel
tart, and three bottles of Rioja. Otherwise there won’t be a
meal.’ If I was too speechless on the phone, as soon as she
arrived I’d give her the shopping list and bundle her straight
back into her car to get it. Nor would I offer to reimburse her
for any of it.
But I’d be as welcoming as possible to the unexpected guests -
unless I knew they knew they weren’t invited and were
essentially in cahoots with her to barge their way in, in which
case I’d allow myself to be just a tiny bit sparse.
#Post#: 56401--------------------------------------------------
Re: Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?
By: Amara Date: August 24, 2020, 3:43 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
The hostess had valid feelings but acted like a toddler having a
temper tantrum. If I was there I'd think she had lost her mind
acting so childish.
However, she had the right to be angry. I would be so very angry
it would probably take me more than a few days to calm down to
address my MIL over this. However, address it I would, in clear,
explicit but polite language that this was completely
unacceptable regardless of how nice the uninvited guests were,
and if it even happened once more she (the MIL) would be off my
guest list permanently. I'd explain how boorish this behavior
and that while I am open to meeting new people I am not open to
having my party "crashed."
Both the letter writer and her MIL were behaved inappropriately,
but the letter writer acted like an idiot.
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page