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#Post#: 55356--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: Lula Date: July 29, 2020, 9:08 pm
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Show her some photos of real-life, modern-day princesses
attending weddings as guests. They're not wearing ballgowns or
crowns, floral or otherwise. They're just dressed nicely, and,
more importantly, behaving with great dignity.
#Post#: 55357--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: Rose Red Date: July 29, 2020, 9:38 pm
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[quote author=Lula link=topic=1799.msg55356#msg55356
date=1596074929]
Show her some photos of real-life, modern-day princesses
attending weddings as guests. They're not wearing ballgowns or
crowns, floral or otherwise. They're just dressed nicely, and,
more importantly, behaving with great dignity.
[/quote]
The problem with this is that it doesn't appear she cares about
the grownups. Notice she wasn't jealous of the bridesmaids; only
the flower girls who are around her age. And real life little
princesses at weddings are usually captured in pictures as
members of the wedding party.
#Post#: 55385--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: TootsNYC Date: July 30, 2020, 10:49 am
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We didn't have a lot of birthday parties when we were kids, but
we did have cake at family dinner, and a party or two.
I don't remember ever having any jealousy over it, but that was
because my mom really focused on including us in the planning;
we had a role, and our role was to be one of the people who made
it special for THEM. She really involved us. And it was a great
modeling of how to not be the center of attention, but still
feel part of the event.
harder to do with someone's wedding, of course. It wouldn't be
appropriate to try to insert yourself into planning that event.
But you could talk about how important guests are to the success
of a wedding or any gathering--that they converse when
appropriate, and help set the stage when it's not (like in the
ceremony); that even though they may seem like "supporting
characters," they are really valuable to the success of the
event. And that there are people to "perform" for even if you're
not the star.
My DD went through a bad patch in college, and I saw that on her
"mantras" board, she had written, "You are not the Chosen One."
She had read a lot of Y.A. fantasy novels, and she was the
first grandchild, and she did really well in school through high
school, I think that part of her struggle was that she'd gotten
to a point where she was afraid she was failing by not
excelling. It was a huge burden for her (I think) to feel
pressured to be the star, to be the main character in the story.
But it was also hard for her to not get to BE the Chosen One.
So I'm having some big "projection" going on here, and hoping
you can help your DD set down the pressure to be in the starring
role, and to figure out how to BE in a starring role in her OWN
life, at the same time she's a supporting character in someone
else's.
Maybe have her watch some of her favorite movies and concentrate
on the supporting characters instead of the star, and learn to
really appreciate them.
#Post#: 55387--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: NFPwife Date: July 30, 2020, 11:09 am
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I'm going to diverge from the opinion that the word "scared" is
concerning. I'm guessing it's more like "apprehensive."
Apprehensive that she'll be in a situation where she's not the
princess, has to watch and support, and isn't sure she has the
capacity to do that. I don't think she has the words
"apprehensive" or "intimidated" or "insecure" I think it's
reasonable to talk about the feelings behind "scared" and expand
her feelings vernacular for her to learn to express degrees/
shades of feelings.
Also, the strategy of observing princesses at other weddings
could be really fun and I think it's a great idea. She might not
care about adults, per se, but I think she could observe the
behavior and learn from it.
Finally, I think offering her a reward if she attends the
wedding successfully is reasonable. Like she wears the suit
(which is adorable) and makes a couple socially nice comments to
the flower girl(s) and is able to make it through the night
without an outburst or tantrum and she earns having a friend
over for a princess party tea in the week after the wedding. It
motivates her to use the strategies outlined and reinforces that
she isn't always the center of attention and she can learn to
share the spotlight.
#Post#: 55393--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: TootsNYC Date: July 30, 2020, 12:50 pm
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I like that! And I agree that "scared" is probably more
"apprehensive" and "not knowing what to do" and "thinking that I
might be kind of upset and unsettled."
PVZFan's approach emphasizes the "learning and practicing"
aspect, which is what kids are supposed to do in their
childhood.
She'll go through the day with some focus, and a goal.
And it won't be comfortable, perhaps, but she'll discover that
she can survive, and it wasn't so hard.
and if she has a bit of meltdown, well then, that's something to
discuss and figure out how to prevent next time; it's not the
end of the world if she ends up upset. That's "being 7."
#Post#: 55395--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: oogyda Date: July 30, 2020, 1:49 pm
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By all means, put her in a fancy dress.
But, when you put a crown on her head and a wand in her hand,
you are trying to let her outshine the actual flower girl.
Given the behavior of last year's wedding, I would let her have
some girl time with her aunt.
#Post#: 55411--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: LadyX Date: July 30, 2020, 5:52 pm
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[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1799.msg55325#msg55325
date=1596048959]
How are people seeing the suit? I don’t see a link.
[/quote]
Was the "Dumb" button on Gellcom's question a mistake?
#Post#: 55420--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: SparklingIce Date: July 30, 2020, 9:16 pm
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Wow, okay.
Here goes, as I see that quite a for bit has happened since I
was here last. How that for first impressions?
Let me start by saying that all of this is quite a come to
Jesus-ish for me. I had no idea that one basic question could
really make me think about certain aspects of how I raise my
daughter, and some of it is frighteningly insightful, like you
know our lives. Kinda makes me feel uncomfortable, even though
none of you are being intentionally harsh. It just that I have
come to realize a few things, it's eating at me.
Bri is an only child for us, and the youngest one on my side of
the family, with a 14 year gap from the last cousin. She was
"everybody's baby" and still is so. She has been an only
"little" kid at family and social gatherings most of her life,
so it's her comfort zone. Yes, at our own fault and doing, Bri
is also a "little princess" with all the things I felt a young
princess would get in real life. Private school, ballet, and
annual trip to Disney World where she would wear a princess
dress every day of the trip. So ... yes, we (husband and I)
turned her into her princess obsessed self.
I honestly never thought this whole princess thing was bad. (Is
it biting us in the tuckus now?)
Saying all that, I want you all to know that she isn't a bad
girl by far. She's smart, she likes to do silly things to make
her friends laugh, and has a huge personality.
It's interesting the varying things that make her jealous. That
one wedding and the flower girls - yes. Doing a natural look
pageant and being around other little girls in dresses - no. Her
handful of dance competitions with other, better skilled
children - no. Going to a classical concert with daddy and I and
seeing a featured child playing her violin - yes. Going to
birthday parties and not being the birthday kid - no. Screaming
"go away you dodo brain" (ok, I'll admit we laughed at this -
shame on us, I know) at the TV at the child singer on America's
Got Talent - a big yes.
We really don't know what will set her off.
But she does get set off. We fix this by taking her away from
the situation and waiting it out until she stops crying, and
then try to avoid that trigger (leaving before curtain call so
she won't have to see the violin girl take a bow).
We ask why she is jealous, and she straight with us "ugh, not
fair ... how come they get to do that?" about the flower girls.
So it's not like she hides it. We tell her we can't do anything
to make her un-jealous, but maybe we can maybe think of ways to
see that what she is jealous of could be not fun. The dresses
are probably itchy. Voilin kid's fingers probably hurt so much
from practicing so much. Singing girl's voice probably can't
talk alot because she has to save her voice.
As for the entire "being scared" bit, I think many of you have
nailed it with "apprehensive". Her thing is, after some talk, is
that, in her words, "I want to be the only kid". I explained to
her that she can't be the only kid in every group, because,
well, she just can't. If other kids are invited, then that's
just how it is.
I been telling her how her suit is going to make her look
sophisticated and classy, and she will have to act the part.
Crying and sulking isn't either of those. If she still wants to
keep up her "princess" thing, I said we can get a crown or a
star shaped shaped brooch and we can pin it on her jacket lapel!
Not obvious, but just enough to make her feel special. She can
get a new little purse and kitten heels to go with the outfit
too. I really want to make this a "grown up" ordeal for her.
Goodness, all of you have made me do a lot of pondering, and I
been hesitant to respond until now. Please forgive my absence in
not getting back to everyone right away. I am thankful for all
of your insight, even the hard to read ones.
#Post#: 55424--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: Nikko-chan Date: July 30, 2020, 11:26 pm
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[quote author=SparklingIce link=topic=1799.msg55420#msg55420
date=1596161787]
Wow, okay.
It's interesting the varying things that make her jealous. That
one wedding and the flower girls - yes. Doing a natural look
pageant and being around other little girls in dresses - no. Her
handful of dance competitions with other, better skilled
children - no. Going to a classical concert with daddy and I and
seeing a featured child playing her violin - yes. Going to
birthday parties and not being the birthday kid - no. Screaming
"go away you dodo brain" (ok, I'll admit we laughed at this -
shame on us, I know) at the TV at the child singer on America's
Got Talent - a big yes.
We really don't know what will set her off.
But she does get set off. We fix this by taking her away from
the situation and waiting it out until she stops crying, and
then try to avoid that trigger (leaving before curtain call so
she won't have to see the violin girl take a bow).
We ask why she is jealous, and she straight with us "ugh, not
fair ... how come they get to do that?" about the flower girls.
So it's not like she hides it. We tell her we can't do anything
to make her un-jealous, but maybe we can maybe think of ways to
see that what she is jealous of could be not fun. The dresses
are probably itchy. Voilin kid's fingers probably hurt so much
from practicing so much. Singing girl's voice probably can't
talk alot because she has to save her voice.
[/quote]
Bolding mine. WHAT?! You basically tell your child that "oh its
okay because those kids are probably uncomfortable doing what
their doing and its not fun anyway"? This... honestly is a very
wrong way to approach this. It still informs her whether or not
you say so, that she is still the center of the whole world.
What you should be doing is informing her little by little, that
she is not the center of the world.
in the examples above:
Her: Why does Brian get to play the violin but I don;t!!!
You: Well Brian is quite talented isn't he? Thats not to say
that you are not talented, but all of the other talented kids
need a shot too. And won't it be fun, sitting in the audience,
and listening to him play? And then after, when you see him, you
can congratulate him on such a wonderful performance!
Her: Why was Mary chosen to sing and I wasnt?!?!
You: Well the teacher chose MAry to sing. And won't it be fun
listening to her? You'll be able to sit in the audience and clap
politely when she's done.
Her: Why can't I wear a flower girl dress too?!
You: Well you weren't chosen to be a flower girl, and that's
absolutely okay. What we can do is practice how to be a nice
guest at a wedding, and we will get you a nice dress for the
wedding due to their dress code, because thats what a formal
dress code means, and then mommy and daddy and you will have a
fancy dinner before the wedding at home at some point so we can
teach you fancy grown up manners a bit. Won't that be fun?
^The above. She's seven. She likely doesn't know theres
different place settings and the like. Something like that might
be fun for her to learn, based just on what you've told us here.
It also prepares her for weddings and the like.
#Post#: 55425--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: LurkingGurl Date: July 31, 2020, 1:24 am
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Perhaps her jealousy is rooted in a desire to perform. And if
that's the case, maybe she should hone a skill that would put
her in the spotlight. Even then, she will need to realize that
performing is about the audience, and not just the performer.
And I agree with Nikko-chan--why would you give her downsides
about the boy playing violin or a girl singing?!
It seems like she's telling you she wants to do these things.
"How come they get to do that?"
Because they take lessons and they practice. That's how!
It's not easy to get there and do something in front of a lot of
people. It takes a lot of guts. If she really wants to do that
then find ways to give her those opportunities.
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