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#Post#: 55158--------------------------------------------------
Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: SparklingIce Date: July 28, 2020, 2:32 am
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My 7 year old daughter is a huge lover of all things princess
and frilly wants to be a "pretend flower girl" at the wedding of
a family friend that is to be *fingers crossed* in November. She
gets jealous quite easily as last year when we attended a
wedding she pouted the entire service and reception cause she
didn't like the two flower girls having prettier dresses than
hers (and getting more attention in general). Would it be too
much if she wore her own special "flower girl" type dress, a
little crown, and wand to make her feel less left out? What
about a princess costume? Would it be weird to contact the
family and ask if there will be a flower girl so we can be
prepared - anyone know a less invasive way to find these things
out? If there isn't, she'd be fine with wearing a plain nice
church/Easter dress. In a way, I kinda don't want this wedding
to happen so we can avoid another meltdown. Perhaps she will
forget all about it or "mature" out when November rolls around?
Our other thought is just leaving her with her aunt (whom she
loves) while we attend.
#Post#: 55159--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: Aleko Date: July 28, 2020, 3:48 am
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Yes, it would be too much. On no account should you let her
dress as an ‘honorary flower girl’, a princess or anything of
the kind. Don’t even ask the family if she can. They might say
yes, just to save you from dealing with a tantrum, but they
wouldn’t really like it. And the bad look - because everybody
there would get that you had only allowed your DD to dress that
way because aged 7 she was capable of throwing a tantrum if she
saw other little girls dressed up as members of the wedding
party when she wasn’t - could inform all these people’s opinion
of her for years to come.
We are all born total egotists, but have to learn eventually
that we can’t always be the star of the show - and the longer
you try to protect her from that knowledge the more painful the
lesson will be in the end, and the more people she will p*** off
before she finally gets it. You don’t want her to get known as
‘SparklingIce’s annoying child who always whines if she isn’t
always given special treatment’.
By all means ask the family what attendants the bride plans to
have. You might well manage to do that without revealing why you
want to know - after all, lots of people just love wedding
festivity enough to want to know the plans. (I was bemused, the
day I walked into my workplace with the news that I had got
engaged over the weekend, by the number of colleagues who
promptly asked me how many bridesmaids I planned to have. It
made me think I’d got this marrying lark all wrong, and that I
should have backed DH-to-be into a corner with a clipboard
behind my back.) Then if there are going to be any girls around
her age in the wedding party, you can simply give her a choice:
‘We’ll take you to the wedding if you promise to behave this
time, or you stay behind with your aunt.’ Don’t even allow her
to get the idea that dressing as a princess or honorary flower
girl at this wedding is even a possibility for her.
#Post#: 55161--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: Gellchom Date: July 28, 2020, 4:04 am
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Aleko has it exactly right.
Seven is plenty old enough to learn this important lesson. And a
bit old to wear a costume to a wedding without looking spoiled
instead of adorable.
Put her in a nice dress, maybe a new one. Tell her how grown up
she will look. Maybe let her wear a bracelet or necklace - not
adult so it looks like dress up, but not toy either. She may
well love being So Grown Up so much she prefers it.
That may help, but even if it doesn’t, please follow Aleko’s
great advice. If she can’t manage being a good guest, she
doesn’t come, just like anyone of any age. Her choice.
#Post#: 55165--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: Rose Red Date: July 28, 2020, 6:15 am
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This is like a child version of a grown woman wearing a fancy
white lace dress to someone else's wedding. Don't do it. By
seven, she's old enough to learn she can't be the center of
attention all the time. Wearing a princess costume or flower
crown will get her attention, but not the kind she (or you) are
hoping for.
#Post#: 55170--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: gramma dishes Date: July 28, 2020, 8:14 am
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If people remember her behavior from the last wedding she
attended, it is entirely possible she will not be invited to
attend this one.
#Post#: 55173--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: Wanaca Date: July 28, 2020, 9:04 am
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"leaving her with her aunt (whom she loves) while we attend"
sounds like a good idea if you aren't sure if she is mature
enough to handle the event. Dressing up in a costume is a very
bad idea and would not guarantee that her behavior would be free
of jealousy and pouting, if she is used to that behavior anyway.
#Post#: 55179--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: Rose Red Date: July 28, 2020, 10:25 am
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I just noticed you wrote "a little crown" and not a "flower
crown." A real crown is even worse than flowers. Please heed our
advice and leave her with her aunt, or have her wear a pretty
dress but not a dress that looks like a flower girl or princess.
Most importantly, no crowns or wands.
A pretty dress and a barrette with a single flower or ribbons in
her hair would be appropriate and still special.
#Post#: 55181--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: Hmmm Date: July 28, 2020, 10:28 am
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Welcome to the forum.
I agree with the others that it would be inappropriate for her
to pretend to be a flower girl, or wear a crown. I also don't
believe it would be appropriate to ask about attendants. I'm
sure the family is well aware that you have a daughter flower
girl age and if they wanted to ask her they would without any
prompting.
If I were you, I'd start the conversation with her now. Tell her
you understand that it's fun to be in the spotlight but we can't
all be in the spotlight. Mention how you will be going dressed
as a guest and wouldn't she think it silly if you pouted about
not getting to wear the wedding dress or a bridesmaid dress. If
you did not tell her last year that her behavior embarrassed
you, I would do so now.
I agree about giving her a choice. You two can go buy her a
dress that is suitable for a guest and she can attend with you,
or she can stay at home if she thinks she can't behave
appropriately. Tell her that you do not want your enjoyment to
be ruined by being concerned she'll misbehave.
#Post#: 55202--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: TootsNYC Date: July 28, 2020, 2:05 pm
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I'm in agreement; she shouldn't pretend to be a flowergirl in
any way.
She's also showing you a vulnerability or weakness she
has--that's great that you're getting this evidence; now you
need to help her.
I spent a lot of time instructing my kids on what to expect in
situations, and I also "pronounced" things like "I know you want
to feel special, but this is not acceptable. It's not your turn.
It's someone else's turn. You would feel upset if someone else
took your turn, right?"
I think those lessons start with things like trucks and swings,
etc.
If you're feeling at a loss for how to coach her through this,
please consider reaching out for some coaching from a child
psychologist or family counselor. They are pros, and they will
have all kinds of tactics and suggestions and things they can
teach you so you can be your girl's most powerful coach.
It's not a kindness to kids (to anyone) to indulge them in order
to shield them from disappointment and pain. Better by far to
have them experience that feeling of rejection, that feeling of
being left out, while they are young and the stakes are small.
That's an important life skill, and only she can teach it to
herself (you can model proper behavior, and you can insist on
creating situations in which she can learn it, and you can
provide motivation for her to learn it, like negative
consequences if she exhibits behavior that's socially
unacceptable).
But it's crucial for her! It's far more important that she learn
how to NOT be the center of attention, and how to focus on other
people, than it is that she not be sad or throw a tantrum when
she's unhappy.
Good luck!
#Post#: 55226--------------------------------------------------
Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
By: Luci Date: July 28, 2020, 5:18 pm
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All the posters made a lot of points I agree with. Don’t cave.
She is old enough to act like a young lady if she wants to
attend.
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