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#Post#: 55262--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed.
By: Chez Miriam Date: July 29, 2020, 4:19 am
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[quote author=JeanFromBNA link=topic=1790.msg55205#msg55205
date=1595964617]
BTDT, got many, many T-shirts.
Sometimes, I'll ask people if they would like me to arrange for
the thing to be done.
I agree with Morticia's comments about anxiety. That's my
initial reaction to a complaint, too. Followed by, "How am I
gonna fix this?" I've learned over time that it's not always my
problem to fix.
[/quote]
I am a fixer, too - there's a lot of us here. I'm getting much
better at spotting the 'calls for sympathy', but I've also got a
lot better at not providing endless sympathy to people who
can't/won't/don't help themselves but engage in all sorts of
other activities that they can find energy/time/money for.
I know it's harsh, but sometimes I will say: "I offered to help
you with this problem, you said you wanted to fix it, I went to
a lot of trouble to help you, and you did nothing, and now I
don't want to hear about it any more. Now, how was that bean
dip you were making?".
I'm fine helping people to solve problems of their own making,
but when they take up my valuable time and mental resources, let
me do all the 'hard' work, and then just can't be bothered to
lift one finger, I don't want to hear about how they are
'suffering'.
If someone tells me "I know I messed up, but is there any chance
of sympathy anyway?", I'm totally fine with that, and never
mention the whatever-it-was, just pour the (virtual) tea and get
out the (virtual) biscuits, and provide lavish servings of
sympathy. I think we all need support when we know we messed
up, but I'm not so good when the person denies any
responsibility for what they're going through, just demands
sympathy.
I'm not sure if I need to work on that? Or whether having
people who like wallowing in problems of their own making drop
out of my life is a good thing?
For the record: I regard a person who has become overwhelmed as
totally deserving sympathy, but I'm getting better at not
providing it to people who seem to expect the world to be bent
to fit them, and I should be part of the bending crew [if that
makes sense].
And now I'm wondering if I'm a horrible person. :-\
#Post#: 60146--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed.
By: SnappyLT Date: November 13, 2020, 5:34 pm
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Update from OP:
It took almost four months, but today when I was chatting on the
phone with my relative, she mentioned that she finally ordered
the shoe insert for her dog-walking shoes. It arrived this week
and it does make a difference for her.
Although I was silently thinking, "At long last!!!", what I said
aloud was, "I'm glad to hear that!"
#Post#: 60155--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed. (UPDATE #11)
By: Amara Date: November 14, 2020, 12:51 am
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Good response, Snappy!
[emoji846]
#Post#: 60167--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed. (UPDATE #11)
By: VorFemme Date: November 14, 2020, 9:10 am
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I dropped my new phone (like, less than a week since it came in
the mail & I transferred data & services to the new phone) on
Tuesday. It is useable, but the screen is starred on two edges
and has fine cracks all across it. We are traveling and the
closest repair place does not work with that phone on a regular
basis and apparently cannot guarantee that the work could be
done before we left the area. So, I am continuing to use it
(carefully) and have already called ahead to the repair place
about getting it to them Monday.
In the meantime, DH keeps telling me that I should have had a
case on it (ordered because NO local businesses had cases for
this model in the store and the case was delivered to the house
yesterday) and that I should have been more careful.
It makes me feel worse, not better. I want a little sympathy,
maybe a pat on the back, and maybe a comment about "next time,
don't transfer services until after the case is on it!"
#Post#: 60169--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed. (UPDATE #11)
By: kckgirl Date: November 14, 2020, 9:26 am
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VorFemme, 40 lashes with a wet noodle for your husband. Things
happen. He knows that!
#Post#: 60187--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed. (UPDATE #11)
By: lakey Date: November 14, 2020, 1:26 pm
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Just a hint for anyone else who smashes their phone screen, I
also dropped my phone, on cement. There was a spiderweb of
cracks all across the screen, but the phone still worked. I
replaced it because it was older. However, until I could replace
it, I placed plastic cling wrap around it.
#Post#: 60307--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed. (UPDATE #11)
By: VorFemme Date: November 16, 2020, 7:53 pm
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[quote author=kckgirl link=topic=1790.msg60169#msg60169
date=1605367616]
VorFemme, 40 lashes with a wet noodle for your husband. Things
happen. He knows that!
[/quote]
Actually - he knows it, too. I bought him a new smartwatch for
his birthday (and Christmas & our wedding anniversary present)
last month...and he lost the charging cradle on our trip to
Orlando to join the grandkids and their parents (our DD & her
DH). He knows a lot about how I probably feel - but he has to
point out what I could have done better so it won't happen "next
time". The last time I dropped a phone and it was damaged, it
was over a year since we'd gotten it AND it was in a double
layer case - but it landed flat on the screen on stone
tiles...and the digitizer broke. That was a few days before
Hurricane Harvey - so getting it fixed was high on the list of
things that had to be done AND it got done (I ended up with an
accumulation of cases for it in the four years that I owned it -
but at least two of them were more decorative than protective -
like the shiny gold plastic with rubber lining that was on it
when it was damaged). This one - is uncommon enough that I
couldn't find a case in the local area AND the ones that I found
on eBay didn't come in immediately - so I have two cases now
(one of which is ON the phone, cracked screen & all) and I went
by and paid for the parts to fix it just after noon, so that
they would order them & call me when the parts are available.
It's in a case now and I plan to put it back in a case
immediately after they bring it back to my car in the parking
lot (their lobby is closed - but repairs of electronic devices
must be done - as replacing them isn't always an option if there
being used for work or school from home set up).
#Post#: 60454--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed.
By: NewHomeowner Date: November 19, 2020, 7:09 am
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[quote author=Dazi link=topic=1790.msg54985#msg54985
date=1595637421]
I'm a fixer by nature. I'm also rather direct, so I just flat
out ah the person if they just need to vent or do they want
solutions\advise.
[/quote]
Me too. I'm rather obtuse at figuring out what people really
want. However, if I really just want sympathy, I'll say, 'I
don't want to fix this, I just need to wallow for a bit and I'll
be fine.
For the OP, it's possible that she hasn't gotten around to
ordering inserts for her casual shoes because 'they're only
casual shoes, why spend more money on them?' It took me a VERY
long time to realize that my comfort while casual is just as
important as my comfort while at work. This may be her mindset.
It's a not-uncommon mindset, thinking that your personal
comfort is not as important as your professional comfort (if she
doesn't hurt at work, she's less likely to snap at people and
get fired). At least, I know that I agree with that far too
often.
#Post#: 60514--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed. (UPDATE #11)
By: Limmershin Date: November 20, 2020, 3:01 am
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Have just discovered this thread (failed to notice it back in
the summer). The following reflection prompted, likely, by my
being -- if I perceive rightly -- one of the very few male
participants on "BM&B". The writers of books in the Men are
from Mars, Women are from Venus, etc., vein; tend strongly to
"push" the proposition that this is an area where the two sexes
are apt to differ, with resulting disharmony between them.
According to this view of things, men's attitude is: if
something is wrong -- if possible, take action to put it right;
if it isn't, then as far as possible, put it out of mind and
concentrate on other stuff -- "droning on about" the problem, is
pointless. Women, on the other hand, find a considerable degree
of solace in talking, often at length, to a sympathetic
listener; about problems in life which are bugging them -- ways
to fix said problems, not primarily being looked for and in
fact, often actually not welcome. Therefrom, a lot of potential
discord between members of the two respective sexes, interacting
(or failing to), concerning the addressing of problems in life.
Some of the books referred to above, do have the grace to state
that on this matter, they are generalising rather wildly; and
that every generalisation has a million individual exceptions to
it. Nonetheless, the as-above "men act to solve it, or shut up;
women whinge about it at length; between the two sexes, a bad
mix" meme, is a very widespread -- indeed quite cliche-ish --
one. I have just found it interesting to note in the posts on
this thread, many posters -- who I either know, or assume, to be
female -- identifiying themselves as "fixers", rather than
"lamenters". Would seem to reinforce the perception that the
peddlers of pop psychology don't know everything, and indeed
have a tendency to broad and sweeping over-simplification !
#Post#: 60761--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed. (UPDATE #11)
By: SnappyLT Date: November 26, 2020, 12:42 pm
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Limmershin,
I'm the OP. For whatever it is worth, I am male and the relative
I wrote about is female. (Perhaps you already knew that.)
SnappyLT
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