DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Family and Children
*****************************************************
#Post#: 54868--------------------------------------------------
Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is wanted.
(UPDATE #11)
By: SnappyLT Date: July 23, 2020, 12:33 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Hi. Last month I wrote a post about relatives leturing me on the
phone about something I have no control over. I didn't like
being lectured.
When I was on the phone tonight, I wonder if I did the same
thing (sort of) to a different relative. Looking back, I think
she just wanted sympathy and instead I asked why she hadn't
taken the step needed to solve her problem.
(I guess that's not exactly the same thing as lecturing someone
about something they can't control - because she could control
this if she really wanted to - but maybe it's similar because I
told her something she didn't want to hear.)
One of my relatives suffered an injury long ago that can make it
painful for her to walk. She has learned that by having shoes of
different heights she can reduce or eliminate the pain. She has
purchased special inserts for many of her business shoes that
work - she uses one of the inserts and discards the other one,
and thus her shoes have her legs at different heights, and her
pain is relieved.
Only thing is, she has not gotten around to ordering special
inserts to wear with the pair of casual shoes she always wears
to walk her dog. So, walking her dog can be painful for her.
She commented to me on the phone tonight that she was in pain
after walking her dog.
Looking back, I should have just told her how sorry I am that
she is in pain. (Looking back, I suspect that's what she wanted
to hear.)
Instead, I asked about the special inserts. (She had told me
years ago about how the inserts relieve her pain at work.) Well,
she hemmed and hawed and said she hadn't gotten around to
ordering ones for her casual shoes.
(Looking back, I should have dropped the whole topic before this
point.)
Instead, oblivious, I said, "Well, do they make inserts in the
shape of your casual shoes"?
She replied they do.
I continued, "Maybe you should go ahead and order an insert for
your dog walking shoes, then it wouldn't hurt so much to walk
your dog."
That was the wrong thing to have said, clearly. She started
telling me about how hard it is to work from home, and how I
just don't understand how busy she is and how many different
tasks she has to juggle... and she just doesn't have any time to
order inserts for those shoes.
And I finally realized I should have shut up long before that
point. She wanted sympathy for her pain, not a solution to stop
her pain. I was missing the point.
So, I apologized. I said I don't know what it is like to have
pain like she does, and I retired before the pandemic so I don't
know what it's like to have to work from home like she does. And
then I changed the subject. (Bean dip, any one?)
I guess I am not particularly looking for advice; perhaps just
comments on how other have handled similar situations in the
past.
PS-
To head off questions. My relative earns a reasonable salary,
and as far as I know she has enough money to buy shoe inserts if
she wants to buy them. I know she does order groceries online,
so she knows how to use a computer to buy things. It seems to me
in the time she was telling me about her pain she could have
almost finished ordering herself inserts online to stop the
pain...
Buit there I go again, missing that (I think) she wants the
sympathy, not the solution.
#Post#: 54873--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed.
By: Aleko Date: July 23, 2020, 3:12 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Well, we all know that what we want is often not what we
actually need. Clearly she has got so depressed in lockdown that
she just didn’t have the energy to go online and buy what she
needs to walk the dog comfortably (and heaven knows most of us
have been in that state at some time in our lives). She called
you wanting a warm cosy dose of sympathy for her suffering, but
instead encountered your sincere puzzlement that she hadn’t
taken the easy obvious step that would solve it. If that impels
her to just sit down at her computer and put an order through,
you will have done her more good than you would have done by
helping her have a good comforting wallow in her misery.
Perhaps call her some time for a nice kindly chat about the
difficulties of working from home and Life in General, so she
doesn’t come away with the impression that you’re fundamentally
not sympathetic. But don’t feel badly about your response.
#Post#: 54876--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed.
By: Rose Red Date: July 23, 2020, 8:23 am
---------------------------------------------------------
You're a fixer. I am too. It can be difficult for people like us
to figure out if the other person wants a solution or just want
to vent.
It annoys me sometimes. I wish people will just come right out
and say what they want. I guess all we can do is ask if they
want us to take care of the problem. If they say no, just say
"well, I'm here to listen."
#Post#: 54877--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed.
By: Jem Date: July 23, 2020, 8:25 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I think it depends on the relationship but I know with my
husband and I we simply ask each other or tell each other what
it is we are looking for in a particular situation.
For example:
Me: "The check engine light is on in my car. Are you able to
take it to the shop today?"
vs.
Me: "I had an awful day at work today. I'm not looking for how
you would have handled this situation, I just want to vent about
it."
That way he doesn't have to guess what it is I am looking for.
Or also:
Him: "My back is really hurting me."
Me: "Do you want some ideas to relieve the pain or do you want
me to just be here with you?"
or
Him: "I was planning to mow the lawn today but cannot because my
back hurts. Are you able to mow it for me?"
#Post#: 54887--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed.
By: lakey Date: July 23, 2020, 1:02 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
A lot of us do this. I have a younger sister, and often I find
my self giving her unsolicited advice. She's sixty years old.
She can make her own decisions. It's a bad habit for me and I
try to stop myself.
#Post#: 54913--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed.
By: Victoria Date: July 23, 2020, 11:42 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I'm a fixer as well and I always have been. When I was much
younger I drove away a friend who was in a toxic relationship.
She constantly called me to complain about the latest thing her
boyfriend had done, and I repeatedly kept trying to tell her
that she needed to break up with him and that he wasn't worth
it...which was true, but she eventually decided (after a breakup
and reunion) that it was me she needed to break up with, because
I "wasn't supportive of [her] relationship." By the time I was
older and going through the same situation with my new best
friend, I knew enough to offer sympathy, she eventually arrived
at the conclusion that her boyfriend was a hot dumpster fire in
her own time, and our friendship is intact.
#Post#: 54943--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed.
By: peony Date: July 24, 2020, 9:53 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I have a great deal of sympathy for people who can't see their
way through to a workable solution for their sufferings. I have
a lot less for people who can relieve their problem with just a
little bit of effort. Maybe that makes me a cold person, but
really, don't go on and on about something to me if you can buy
or find or do something in five minutes or less that makes that
problem go away! Legit sympathy is fine with me, but fishing for
artificially generated sympathy, no thank you. I don't have
enough "spoons" for that. SnappyLT, I think you were fine.
#Post#: 54985--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed.
By: Dazi Date: July 24, 2020, 7:37 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I'm a fixer by nature. I'm also rather direct, so I just flat
out ah the person if they just need to vent or do they want
solutions\advise.
#Post#: 55078--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed.
By: Morticia Date: July 26, 2020, 12:40 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I get it. When people vent at me, it makes me feel anxious, like
I'm responsible in some way. This makes me feel like they are
putting me on the spot to solve the problem. Intellectually, I
can look back and realise that is not what they were doing, but
it's difficult in the moment. I think what I'm saying, from the
comfort of the internet, is that I sympathise, but I don't have
an answer.
#Post#: 55205--------------------------------------------------
Re: Taking too long to realize sympathy (not a solution) is want
ed.
By: JeanFromBNA Date: July 28, 2020, 2:30 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
BTDT, got many, many T-shirts.
Sometimes, I'll ask people if they would like me to arrange for
the thing to be done.
I agree with Morticia's comments about anxiety. That's my
initial reaction to a complaint, too. Followed by, "How am I
gonna fix this?" I've learned over time that it's not always my
problem to fix.
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page