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#Post#: 53432--------------------------------------------------
Preemptive strike? (Trying to avoid lectures from relatives)
By: SnappyLT Date: June 21, 2020, 3:40 pm
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I want to be really vague here both for privacy's sake and to
avoid a discussion about exactly what my adult offspring did.
lengthy background:
My adult offspring (let's call him "Fred") did something a few
weeks ago. It was not illegal.
Fred's action was not the best choice (in my own opinion) but
Fred is an adult and makes all of his own decisions now. I have
no control over Fred and I didn't even know about the situation
until afterward.
Here's the thing: some of the relatives on both sides of the
family already know about Fred's action. I have had two phone
conversations already with well-meaning relatives who started in
on me, telling me vividly why Fred's action wasn't the best
choice and telling me exactly what Fred should have done
differently.
I reacted poorly to being lectured about my grown-up offspring's
action. I felt as if I was being attacked when the relatives
expected me to sit there and listen to them. I agree with them
that Fred did not make the best choice - but Fred is an adult
and I cannot do anything about it.
During both phone calls I finally interrupted the lectures. I
apologized for interrupting, and continued by saying while I
agreed that I wouldn't have done what Fred did, I really didn't
want to continue talking about a topic I had no control over.
Bean dip, anyone?
question:
So - is there anything I can politely do to have nice phone
calls with other relatives without having to listen to lectures
about Fred's decision? I have zero tolerance for hearing any
more about it. I already agree it wasn't the best choice, but I
have zero control over it.
How do others on this board preemptively avoid a touchy subject?
#Post#: 53434--------------------------------------------------
Re: Preemptive strike? (Trying to avoid lectures from relatives)
By: gramma dishes Date: June 21, 2020, 4:12 pm
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Frankly I thought you handled it just fine!
#Post#: 53436--------------------------------------------------
Re: Preemptive strike? (Trying to avoid lectures from relatives)
By: baritone108 Date: June 21, 2020, 6:50 pm
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I agree you handled it well. While this doesn't look like
something you can completely preempt. as soon as a relative
starts in you can cut them off saying, "You'll have to take up
any concerns about this with Fred. I'm not discussing it with
anyone." Then have your bean dip ready and offer it before the
relative can respond to your statement.
#Post#: 53437--------------------------------------------------
Re: Preemptive strike? (Trying to avoid lectures from relatives)
By: Rho Date: June 21, 2020, 9:50 pm
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I agree you handled it well. While this doesn't look like
something you can completely preempt. as soon as a relative
starts in you can cut them off saying, "You'll have to take up
any concerns about this with Fred. I'm not discussing it with
anyone."
Absolutely!
Before I read this I was reminded of being in a similar
situation. I shut down both my sister and a distant in-law when
they each wanted my opinion and more gossipy details.
#Post#: 53441--------------------------------------------------
Re: Preemptive strike? (Trying to avoid lectures from relatives)
By: Aleko Date: June 22, 2020, 2:46 am
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Agree with all the above. But if you felt that a particular
relative needed a heavier shot across their bows to head them
off, you could ramp it up a bit: 'I don't discuss Fred behind
his back. He's a grown man, so if you want to talk about his
actions, talk about them with him, not me.' You know your family
best, but if you have any relatives that have the hide of an
elephant, you need to use an elephant gun.
#Post#: 53442--------------------------------------------------
Re: Preemptive strike? (Trying to avoid lectures from relatives)
By: Lkdrymom Date: June 22, 2020, 5:23 am
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I think you handled it well too. Cut them off after the first
sentence. Tell them it is in poor taste to talk about Fred
behind his back and if they had any issues about what happened
they need to brign them up to him not you. After all, what were
they expecting you to do about it?
I often received the same type of phone calls but about my
elderly father. Relatives seemed to think I had some sort of
control over him. I shut it down by telling them he was a grown
man free to make his own decisions...even if they were bad ones.
He was certainly not going to listen to me trying to run his
life and I had no desire to.
#Post#: 53443--------------------------------------------------
Re: Preemptive strike? (Trying to avoid lectures from relatives)
By: bopper Date: June 22, 2020, 10:55 am
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1. What exactly do you want me to do now?
2. This was not my decision to make.
3. Why are you telling me this?
#Post#: 53444--------------------------------------------------
Re: Preemptive strike? (Trying to avoid lectures from relatives)
By: TootsNYC Date: June 22, 2020, 11:12 am
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[quote]During both phone calls I finally interrupted the
lectures. [/quote]
I think maybe the only thing I would suggest you change is to
stop the lecture sooner.
"I understand you're upset, but I'm not interested in listening
to you vent about this. I've got to go."
Label it as venting, not as a lecture. Maybe they think of
you as a sympathetic audience; maybe they are trying to shame
you for "not raising him right." (insert eye roll here, btw)
I might personally add, "Fred is a grownup, and he is entitled
to learn from his own mistakes."
The other thing I'd suggest is that you not even try to "have a
nice conversation" with people who are doing this. This isn't a
conversation; it's either a venting session or a harangue; they
called you specifically to unload on this topic.
Have a "nice conversation" with them at some other date.
Or I guess you could interrupt them and seize control of the
monologue, and just muse (as if they are sympathetic audience,
and surely must agree with you!) that "some relatives have
called me up and harangued me about the choices my grown
offspring has done, as if somehow I'm at fault, and Fred isn't
an actual grownup with the power and the ability to make and
learn from his own mistakes. As if they think I'm a failure as a
parent, I guess, even though surely all of us have done stupid
things from time to time that we would never THINK to blame our
parents for, right? As if somehow I was supposed to head him off
from making a foolish mistake simply by ESP, or by osmosis?
Isn't that ridiculous? I just don't understand these people, do
you?"
What are they going to do--tell you that they're "one of those
people"?
#Post#: 53469--------------------------------------------------
Re: Preemptive strike? (Trying to avoid lectures from relatives)
By: lakey Date: June 22, 2020, 4:01 pm
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You have my sympathy. Hugs. I know people who have adult
children who have behaved stupidly or illegally. It's
heartbreaking for a parent to see their kid do something stupid,
and not be able to do anything about it.
I think you are too worried about being "polite". That doesn't
mean that you should be angry in your response, but if someone
calls you and has a conversation with you that adds to your pain
or discomfort, you have a right to end the conversation. I would
use as few words as possible. When you give reasons, you are
inviting them to respond or even argue. I would say something
simple and direct, such as, "I can't deal with this right now."
If they have any concern for you at all, they will understand
that the conversation only upsets you, and the next time, they
will talk about other things. By the way, there are people who
can't resist getting in on the drama and want to know all the
gory details. Avoid those people until things settle down.
#Post#: 53484--------------------------------------------------
Re: Preemptive strike? (Trying to avoid lectures from relatives)
By: Gellchom Date: June 22, 2020, 8:38 pm
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Oh, gosh, that sounds awful. And I'm sorry for what your family
is going through.
I would neither smack them down nor say something like "I can't
deal with this" (which would invite speculation and maybe gossip
that you are falling apart). I'd just interrupt fairly early
and say something like, "You know, I just really am tired of
talking about this. I'm sure you understand. But it's so nice
to hear from you -- let's talk about something else. Are people
in your area wearing masks and social distancing/How is your
dog/daughter/garden doing/can you believe what Outrageous Public
Figure said yesterday/etc.?"
In other words, just politely ask for their help/understanding
and change the subject. I'm sure you'll know what topic they
will be unable to resist.
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