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#Post#: 52288--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: Tea Drinker Date: May 24, 2020, 2:20 pm
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I think it's up to the close family/partner/chosen family of the
deceased to decide how much to reveal.
"Natural causes," to me, means that it wasn't an accident,
suicide, or murder. In addition to being a euphemism for cancer
or AIDS, and shorthand for "we don't want to talk about it,
sometimes natural causes means someone died and there was no
autopsy, because no reason for one.
Someone I'm very close to just lost his brother to suicide. The
information my friend hand, and what they told me, went from
"we're worried because he didn't come home last night" to "he's
dead." My friend chose to tell me that it was suicide; I don't
know what their parents told the newspaper, and until this
thread it hadn't occurred to me as a question.
#Post#: 52311--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: oogyda Date: May 25, 2020, 12:43 pm
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My dad was 73 years old and had suffered with Parkinson's
Disease for many years before he died suddenly and unexpectedly
from a heart attack after a long illness.
When informed of his passing, YDD said "I didn't realize he had
gotten worse."
He hadn't, though. He was no worse than the last time we saw
him (for me, it was just 1 1/2 months earlier).
It's whatever you want it to be.
#Post#: 52312--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: Gellchom Date: May 25, 2020, 1:26 pm
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I don’t think of the word “suddenly” as code for suicide or
anything else specific. Nor do I think of the phrase “after a
long illness” as meaning cancer.
However, just as people did not like to mention cancer in
obituaries some years ago, and used that as a euphemism, I do
think that people will often put “Suddenly” or something like
that in cases of suicide, homicide, overdose, or for that matter
anything else that could become fodder for sensationalist gossip
or speculation - like, I don’t know, being mauled by a shark or
getting caught in an arson.
So I might wonder if I saw any euphemism if there were some
especially painful circumstance, but I wouldn’t assume anything.
And if I were writing such an obituary, I would not use any
euphemism. I would just leave out the cause of death entirely
rather than risk inviting speculation, especially because, as we
have learned in this string, in some communities it is
Understood as “code.”
#Post#: 52316--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: iolaus Date: May 25, 2020, 4:11 pm
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TBH at the moment if it is related, or suspected to be related
to, covid people seem to be saying thats what it's from.
My cousin died from covid on Thursday - we've all been open
about it, if I haven't mentioned a reason though people have
asked if it was covid - I suspect if I said no they wouldn't ask
further
#Post#: 52318--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: gramma dishes Date: May 25, 2020, 4:31 pm
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[quote author=iolaus link=topic=1706.msg52316#msg52316
date=1590441112]
TBH at the moment if it is related, or suspected to be related
to, covid people seem to be saying thats what it's from.
My cousin died from covid on Thursday - we've all been open
about it, if I haven't mentioned a reason though people have
asked if it was covid - I suspect if I said no they wouldn't ask
further
[/quote]
Yes, almost everyone is being pretty straightforward about
Covid. I'm sorry about your cousin. :(
#Post#: 52587--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: LifeOnPluto Date: June 1, 2020, 1:21 am
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My dad died 3 years ago, while swimming at the beach. The
autopsy took about 9 days to complete, and even then it was
inconclusive. They found water in his lungs and hardened
arteries around his heart. My family doesn't know whether he got
caught in a rip and technically drowned first, which triggered a
mini-heart attack. Or whether he had a heart attack first, which
caused him to drown.
In the death notice, we simply put that he "died suddenly" - as
the above would have taken far too long to explain! Similarly,
when informing people of his death (and in the eulogy at his
funeral) we simply said that he passed away suddenly while on
vacation - as it was rather upsetting to have to rehash all the
details, and deliver a lengthy explanation each time, etc. Also,
on the occasions when we DID tell people the details, it would
sometime result in further questions as they'd try to play
detective. Eg "Were there flags on the beach? Why was he
swimming on a beach without flags? Is there a history of heart
disease in your family?" Or it would result in random musings.
Eg "Have you seen that ad on TV for the Royal Lifesaving
Society, where they show the bloke drowning - dreadful isn't
it?"
So my point is (1) The word "suddenly" can be used where the
cause of death is inconclusive (and the deceased's family
doesn't feel like explaining why); and (2) Yeah, don't ask how
he died!
#Post#: 52788--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: TootsNYC Date: June 6, 2020, 6:10 pm
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My aunt, who lives in Peoria said that a woman being interviewed
on the radio, or maybe writing in her newspaper, told of how
hard it was for her to field phone calls from people after her
husband died of COVID-19. That so many of the people who called
her would ask, "How did he catch it? Who gave it to him?"
And that it was NOT comforting. First, nobody really knows.
Second, it's just nosiness.
#Post#: 52796--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: Rho Date: June 6, 2020, 10:15 pm
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Peoria!?! I attended Bradley University.
Every few years I return for either reunions or to visit a
friend who still lives there.
#Post#: 52800--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: Aleko Date: June 7, 2020, 2:19 am
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[quote]My aunt, who lives in Peoria said that a woman being
interviewed on the radio, or maybe writing in her newspaper,
told of how hard it was for her to field phone calls from people
after her husband died of COVID-19. That so many of the people
who called her would ask, "How did he catch it? Who gave it to
him?"
And that it was NOT comforting. First, nobody really knows.
Second, it's just nosiness.[/quote]
I'm not sure that it's just nosiness. People are in fear of the
pandemic, and when someone dies of something you fear, it's
instinctive to feel 'I must find out how they got it so I can
avoid that myself, or reassure myself that at least I'm not at
risk from the same person/situation/behaviour'. Of course it's
an instinct that we should all suppress, because asking is, as
you say, hurtful, and it's pretty futile anyway.
#Post#: 52815--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: Rain Date: June 7, 2020, 6:23 pm
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Another thing people shouldn't ask....
"Is the baby your husband's?"
My ex decided, after we had a baby, to tell me he didn't want
kids. We separated within 6 months of our child's birth.
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