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#Post#: 51540--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: gramma dishes Date: May 12, 2020, 10:07 am
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Around here it is almost like code that everyone instinctively
understands. If someone dies of a heart attack or something
like that, there is usually no reluctance to just say so. So if
it is just said that someone died "suddenly" with no further
explanation, the assumption seems to be that either the person
either committed suicide or the death was due to drug overdose.
#Post#: 51542--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: Hmmm Date: May 12, 2020, 10:08 am
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[quote author=Jem link=topic=1706.msg51533#msg51533
date=1589293554]
[quote author=kckgirl link=topic=1706.msg51527#msg51527
date=1589288700]
[quote author=Kimpossible link=topic=1706.msg51525#msg51525
date=1589286987]
[quote author=Rho link=topic=1706.msg51521#msg51521
date=1589251499]
'sudden' to me means someone took their own life
Your were a gracious lady contacting the daughter to express
condolences.
that's all you can do besides silently wonder what happened.
[/quote]
I agree. That sounds very logical.
[/quote]
It could also be a heart attack or car accident. Some people
just don't want to say.
[/quote]
Some people just don't want to say, but it seems that the word
"suddenly" is often code for "suicide." I can't think of a time
the word "suddenly" was used when it was NOT suicide. I think
this is commonly understood to the extent that most people (that
I know of anyway) would not use the word "suddenly" if they
wanted to keep the cause of death a mystery.
[/quote]
Sudden can be a code word but I think it is wrong to jump to
that conclusion.
It could be they just don't want to get into a discussion about
the cause. A 35 year old neighbor and mother died of an
unintentional overdoes. The family was not eager to discuss so,
sudden was easy reference. My family and I were just discussing
a kindergartner who went to school with my son who was
accidently ran over by her grandfather. It was referred to as a
sudden and unexpected death.
But here are some headlines of sudden deaths that were not
suicide.
HTML https://www.voanews.com/archive/actor-john-ritter-dies-2003-09-12
HTML https://www.unreservedmedia.com/death-teen-icon-luke-perry-death/
HTML https://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/ny-cameron-boyce-cause-of-death-confirmed-as-epilepsy-20190730-pfprnmcwnnanfemf4uajpl3cju-story.html
HTML https://globalnews.ca/news/6223310/godfrey-gao-dead/
Additionally, the medical profession uses it all the time like
Sudden Infant Death syndrome or Sudden Cardiac Arrest.
Personally, in my experience "Unexpected" was more often used to
refer to suicide but I would never assume it was the cause if
someone used it to describe a death.
#Post#: 51549--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: TootsNYC Date: May 12, 2020, 10:53 am
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I think in this case it was more likely to be a health thing;
the "sudden" came from the daughter as part of a sentence about
how she hadn't processed it yet.
#Post#: 51590--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: Chez Miriam Date: May 13, 2020, 7:03 am
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I remember, vividly, the two days I spent on the phone after my
best friend's suicide*, notifying the people outside the circle
comprised of closest friends and relatives, going through the
phone book and calling every name and being asked the same
questions over and over again [How did he die? Why did he kill
himself? When's the funeral?].
It probably didn't help that we're all good northern stock,
where it's not necessarily rude to ask all those "Why?"
questions; I think people just wanted to understand. It was so
much 'nicer' to be able to say "I'm sorry to have to tell you
that my dad died of a (suspected) heart attack; we don't know
when the funeral will be because he wasn't ill, so there will
have to be an inquest". Glossing over the postmortem, of
course.
I think people are probably in shock when they hear of a death
of someone who's 'not old enough to die', and that can suspend
normal functioning? It seemed that way to me back in 1996,
anyway. February was a bad month, and conformed to the old saw
of "deaths come in threes". <sigh>
* Never make the mistake of asking what you can do to help :-\
#Post#: 51617--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: pierrotlunaire0 Date: May 13, 2020, 2:02 pm
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Boy, am I out of the loop. When I hear that someone died
suddenly, I can truly say that suicide would be the last thing
that would occur to me.
Part of this is because I know of 3 instances when a person, not
very old and in seemingly good health, literally dropped dead of
what turned out to be heart related. One person even died in the
middle of a conversation. (He was getting ready for bed and was
speaking to his wife who was in the bathroom. "And another
thing," he said. She waited a moment and asked, "Well, what?"
There was no answer, and she finally went into the bedroom to
find him dead lying on the bed.)
But still, I don't think I would ask how the person died.
Instances like what I have referenced above are gossipy and
ignore the grief and pain that the survivors are going through.
#Post#: 51632--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: Jem Date: May 13, 2020, 3:35 pm
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To be clear, I am not saying using the word "suddenly" (or
"unexpectedly") always means "suicide." I am saying that the use
of the word "suddenly" without further explanation, especially
in the context of obituaries or written notices of death, is
generally considered code for "suicide" in my experience. I
would never ask for confirmation of course, but this is in fact
what I would assume. If I did not want people to assume suicide,
I would personally not use the word "suddenly" or "unexpectedly"
without further explanation.
No one is owed any explanation, but in my experience people
would, in conversation, perhaps use the word "suddenly" but then
offer some explanation: "I am so sorry to have to tell you that
James died suddenly a few days ago.....it seems he may have had
a latent heart condition," or "I am calling with some sad news,
Mary died suddenly last week when the kitchen light fixture fell
and knocked her out," or "Tom died unexpectedly yesterday
afternoon - he lost control of his motorcycle and plummeted off
the bridge."
#Post#: 51636--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: SnappyLT Date: May 13, 2020, 4:32 pm
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TootsNYC,
I agree with you that "How did she die?" is a question one
doesn't ask.
I'll add another question not to be asked: "When is your father
going to die?"
My father, who died when I was in my mid-teens, was quite ill
for the last few years of his life. A year or so before he died,
my mom asked me to run an errand for her at our small-town bank.
A retirement-aged woman I recognized from the church my parents
used to force me to attend hollered out to me from the far side
of the bank lobby, "Snappy! How is your father, anyway? When is
he going to die?
I was truly appalled, even in my mid-teens. I wasn't blind and I
wasn't stupid; I could see that my father was very ill and that
his condition had been getting worse, not better. But I had no
idea how to react to a question like that, yelled across a bank
lobby.
I remember other people at that awful church being unkind, but
that woman won the award.
(BTW, once I moved away for college, I found that not all people
who go to church are unkind. I guess it was some peculiarity of
that particular congregation.)
#Post#: 51639--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: chigger Date: May 13, 2020, 5:16 pm
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I've never heard that "suddenly" or "unexpectedly" was a code
for anything. I think it means what it means-no one saw it
coming, and I think it's awful and unkind to speculate on the
meaning of those words. Sometimes people just don't want to talk
about it, because the death of a loved one is so very painful,
and really it's nobody's business.
#Post#: 51640--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: baritone108 Date: May 13, 2020, 6:12 pm
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[quote author=SnappyLT link=topic=1706.msg51636#msg51636
date=1589405577]
TootsNYC,
I agree with you that "How did she die?" is a question one
doesn't ask.
I'll add another question not to be asked: "When is your father
going to die?"
[/quote]
What an appalling experience. Some people are truly ignorant.
I had a coworker who was suffering with 4 type of cancer at the
same time. His boss actually asked him, "How much longer do you
have, anyway?" I was horrified.
#Post#: 51643--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: gmatoy Date: May 13, 2020, 8:48 pm
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When my DH's father died, many years before I met DH, his Mother
told him to tell people that he died of "natural causes." ::)
Because it wouldn't do to say that he died of cancer.
So, now when I read that someone died of "natural causes," I
immediately think cancer, even though I know that is not what
most people would say.
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