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#Post#: 51515--------------------------------------------------
some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?")
By: TootsNYC Date: May 11, 2020, 6:15 pm
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I just discovered via Facebook that the mother in a family that
was a daily part of our lives for three years, back when our
kids were in middle school together, passed away. I'm friends
with the two daughters on Facebook, and the one we were closest
to posted about her mother's death.
42 days ago.
March 29 or so.
I sent a condolence note via Messenger (I don't have a street
address anymore), and in her note back she said it was sudden.
I am wondering if she died of COVID-19 or its complications. The
suddenness and the date make it possible.
But I don't think it's remotely polite--let alone loving and
kind and supportive--to ask.
If she wants me to know, she'll tell me. And my curiosity and
dread aren't good enough reasons to ask.
#Post#: 51518--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: lakey Date: May 11, 2020, 8:22 pm
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You are absolutely right. Also, there could be any number of
causes of death. The virus is on your mind because it is in the
news so much. We always have curiosity about these things.
That's human nature. In my experience, when family members don't
talk about the cause of death, it is often because it is too
painful, too soon, or they just want to keep it private.
#Post#: 51520--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: Runningstar Date: May 11, 2020, 9:12 pm
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Yes, that can be a question better left unasked. I've been
asked it when the death was a very unusual death and it was
awkward and wasn't something that I wanted to discuss or gossip
over. Making up a socially "acceptable" manner of death
shouldn't be a necessity for the bereaved.
If they want to talk about it - they have to be the one to bring
it up.
#Post#: 51521--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: Rho Date: May 11, 2020, 9:44 pm
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'sudden' to me means someone took their own life
Your were a gracious lady contacting the daughter to express
condolences.
that's all you can do besides silently wonder what happened.
#Post#: 51525--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: Kimberami Date: May 12, 2020, 7:36 am
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[quote author=Rho link=topic=1706.msg51521#msg51521
date=1589251499]
'sudden' to me means someone took their own life
Your were a gracious lady contacting the daughter to express
condolences.
that's all you can do besides silently wonder what happened.
[/quote]
I agree. That sounds very logical.
#Post#: 51527--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: kckgirl Date: May 12, 2020, 8:05 am
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[quote author=Kimpossible link=topic=1706.msg51525#msg51525
date=1589286987]
[quote author=Rho link=topic=1706.msg51521#msg51521
date=1589251499]
'sudden' to me means someone took their own life
Your were a gracious lady contacting the daughter to express
condolences.
that's all you can do besides silently wonder what happened.
[/quote]
I agree. That sounds very logical.
[/quote]
It could also be a heart attack or car accident. Some people
just don't want to say.
#Post#: 51529--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: baritone108 Date: May 12, 2020, 8:48 am
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[quote author=Rho link=topic=1706.msg51521#msg51521
date=1589251499]
'sudden' to me means someone took their own life
[/quote].
A few weeks ago the 12 yo daughter of an acquaintance died
suddenly. In my extended family we've had 3 people, the
youngest 13, die suddenly from an inherited heart defect so
something like that was my first thought. Found out later it
was suicide but could have been any number of things.
#Post#: 51531--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: Hmmm Date: May 12, 2020, 9:20 am
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[quote author=kckgirl link=topic=1706.msg51527#msg51527
date=1589288700]
[quote author=Kimpossible link=topic=1706.msg51525#msg51525
date=1589286987]
[quote author=Rho link=topic=1706.msg51521#msg51521
date=1589251499]
'sudden' to me means someone took their own life
Your were a gracious lady contacting the daughter to express
condolences.
that's all you can do besides silently wonder what happened.
[/quote]
I agree. That sounds very logical.
[/quote]
It could also be a heart attack or car accident. Some people
just don't want to say.
[/quote]
My father died suddenly. He went to the doctor on Friday because
he had been feeling sluggish and they scheduled a stress test
for Monday. He didn't wake up on Saturday.
My brother in law also died suddenly. He had been feeling fine.
My sister spoke to him mid morning and he said he was tired
after doing morning yard work and thought he might take a nap.
In the afternoon when she couldn't reach him she went home to
find him deceased.
I'm bothered by the notion that people would jump to the
conclusion of suicide just because a death was sudden and not
from an extended medical issue.
#Post#: 51532--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: Dazi Date: May 12, 2020, 9:22 am
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Yep, could be anything really. My husband was convinced a friend
must have died from covid-19. I told him based on the fact he
had a very rare and specific congenital disease and given his
age, that he probably died from a brain aneurysm bursting. It
was later confirmed that an aneurysm killed him.
#Post#: 51533--------------------------------------------------
Re: some things you just don't ask ("How did she die?"
)
By: Jem Date: May 12, 2020, 9:25 am
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[quote author=kckgirl link=topic=1706.msg51527#msg51527
date=1589288700]
[quote author=Kimpossible link=topic=1706.msg51525#msg51525
date=1589286987]
[quote author=Rho link=topic=1706.msg51521#msg51521
date=1589251499]
'sudden' to me means someone took their own life
Your were a gracious lady contacting the daughter to express
condolences.
that's all you can do besides silently wonder what happened.
[/quote]
I agree. That sounds very logical.
[/quote]
It could also be a heart attack or car accident. Some people
just don't want to say.
[/quote]
Some people just don't want to say, but it seems that the word
"suddenly" is often code for "suicide." I can't think of a time
the word "suddenly" was used when it was NOT suicide. I think
this is commonly understood to the extent that most people (that
I know of anyway) would not use the word "suddenly" if they
wanted to keep the cause of death a mystery.
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