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#Post#: 51326--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: Twik Date: May 5, 2020, 9:04 am
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[quote author=Kimpossible link=topic=1700.msg51319#msg51319
date=1588683942]
My Granny's doctor said to just play along as long as the
delusion was not harmful. I would always have to reassure her
that her parents were fine. I told her that her parents had
gone to stay with Aunt Viv. Technically it was true, they'd all
passed away at that point. We'd talk about things that they
would be doing at Aunt Viv's house, and I think it helped calm
her.
[/quote]
That's kind.
#Post#: 51334--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: Chez Miriam Date: May 5, 2020, 10:40 am
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I remember in the couple of weeks between their deaths,
constantly lying to a family friend that "Dad is busy working
today; he'll come and see you in a few days, but he sends his
love". It was so hard keeping the upbeat tone necessary, but
Auntie G was so happy to hear that Dad was busy and would see
her soon.
We knew that they'd soon be in the same place, and trying to get
her to understand he had died would only cause her (immense)
distress.
The distress that it caused us was so small in the context of
his death [and her impending death], that it just felt the
kindest thing to do.
Now [over two decades later], I'm so glad we did that, however
hard it felt at the time. The advice to "just agree with the
person living with dementia" I don't think was prevalent then,
and maybe if Auntie G hadn't been clearly failing we would have
done things differently, but those little white lies were [I
firmly believe] a kindness.
#Post#: 51337--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: Dazi Date: May 5, 2020, 11:01 am
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[quote author=Chez Miriam link=topic=1700.msg51334#msg51334
date=1588693212]
I remember in the couple of weeks between their deaths,
constantly lying to a family friend that "Dad is busy working
today; he'll come and see you in a few days, but he sends his
love". It was so hard keeping the upbeat tone necessary, but
Auntie G was so happy to hear that Dad was busy and would see
her soon.
We knew that they'd soon be in the same place, and trying to get
her to understand he had died would only cause her (immense)
distress.
The distress that it caused us was so small in the context of
his death [and her impending death], that it just felt the
kindest thing to do.
Now [over two decades later], I'm so glad we did that, however
hard it felt at the time. The advice to "just agree with the
person living with dementia" I don't think was prevalent then,
and maybe if Auntie G hadn't been clearly failing we would have
done things differently, but those little white lies were [I
firmly believe] a kindness.
[/quote]
For years it was taught to "reorient" the person. That is fine
for someone who is confused or delirious from being ill, but
that doesn't work for those in the later stages of dementia. You
don't want to make them relive their grief over and over again
every hour or so. That's just cruel. It's perfectly fine to spin
then a happy memory.
#Post#: 51341--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: Chez Miriam Date: May 5, 2020, 11:23 am
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[quote author=Dazi link=topic=1700.msg51337#msg51337
date=1588694498]
[quote author=Chez Miriam link=topic=1700.msg51334#msg51334
date=1588693212]
I remember in the couple of weeks between their deaths,
constantly lying to a family friend that "Dad is busy working
today; he'll come and see you in a few days, but he sends his
love". It was so hard keeping the upbeat tone necessary, but
Auntie G was so happy to hear that Dad was busy and would see
her soon.
We knew that they'd soon be in the same place, and trying to get
her to understand he had died would only cause her (immense)
distress.
The distress that it caused us was so small in the context of
his death [and her impending death], that it just felt the
kindest thing to do.
Now [over two decades later], I'm so glad we did that, however
hard it felt at the time. The advice to "just agree with the
person living with dementia" I don't think was prevalent then,
and maybe if Auntie G hadn't been clearly failing we would have
done things differently, but those little white lies were [I
firmly believe] a kindness.
[/quote]
For years it was taught to "reorient" the person. That is fine
for someone who is confused or delirious from being ill, but
that doesn't work for those in the later stages of dementia. You
don't want to make them relive their grief over and over again
every hour or so. That's just cruel. It's perfectly fine to spin
then a happy memory.
[/quote]
I'm glad the advice has changed; the only people who benefitted
from the old way [reorienting] would have been the 'I must be
right at any cost people', and the thought of a person suffering
a bereavement over and over again is trauma-inducing. If a
person has lost the memory [I don't think "forgotten" is the
right word?] that their loved one(s) have died, telling them
repeatedly of their loss is cruelty. My world shattered when I
was told of my dad's death; the thought of living through that
more than once has me on the verge of tears. :'(
#Post#: 51347--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: bopper Date: May 5, 2020, 1:07 pm
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Another thing you can do (esp if you get frustrated) is to ask
them questions...
My Gma in law had dementia...we were talking about how we lived
in Germany and Gma in law said she also lived in Germany (she
didn't). My MIL was telling her she didn't live in Germany but
we just said "Tell us about it. What did you do there?"
#Post#: 51361--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: Chez Miriam Date: May 6, 2020, 4:38 am
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[quote author=bopper link=topic=1700.msg51347#msg51347
date=1588702073]
Another thing you can do (esp if you get frustrated) is to ask
them questions...
My Gma in law had dementia...we were talking about how we lived
in Germany and Gma in law said she also lived in Germany (she
didn't). My MIL was telling her she didn't live in Germany but
we just said "Tell us about it. What did you do there?"
[/quote]
That's a brilliant idea! If someone believes they lived in
Switzerland, but turns out they just loved The Sound Of Music,
does no-one any harm to hear about nuns, and 'raindrops on
kittens' [;)], and if the person 'reminiscing' about Switzerland
feels joy from that 'memory' and isn't
confused/frightened/bewildered, it's all good in my eyes.
Better than good.
#Post#: 51439--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: DaDancingPsych Date: May 8, 2020, 6:49 am
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This is one of those threads that I know will be so helpful in
the future. I wish I had read this when my grandmother was
nearing the end of her life. PVZFan mentioned utilizing improv
skills, which is such a helpful idea for those of us who have
that sort of experience. (The arts DO matter!) I just want to
thank you in advance, as I just know that someone day this
situation will be one that I am dealt and I know that I will
recall your advice!
#Post#: 51442--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: Oz Diva Date: May 8, 2020, 8:28 am
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Another thing to remember is that they have good days and not so
good days. Just go with the flow.
#Post#: 51447--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: Aleko Date: May 8, 2020, 9:55 am
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[quote]For years it was taught to "reorient" the person. That is
fine for someone who is confused or delirious from being ill,
but that doesn't work for those in the later stages of dementia.
You don't want to make them relive their grief over and over
again every hour or so. That's just cruel. It's perfectly fine
to spin then a happy memory.[/quote]
This. It still is good advice, when someone is delusional due to
mental illness or some physical / chemical cause, not to humour
and go along with their delusions (which can be a temptation;
'Yes, of course there really is an angel sitting on the
windowsill. And he'll be very upset if you don't take your
medicine like a good boy, so open wide') but to push back
against them, and try gently to lead their thinking back to
reality. But with dementia there's no way the person's memory
and mental functioning is going to re-grow, so it's pointless
and cruel to challenge their perception of reality unless it's
distressing them.
In the same way, when small children forget something you told
them or do it wrong, it's right to remind them and show them
again, because their minds and motor capacities are growing and
repetition will help them get there; but there's no point
expecting people with dementia to learn new facts and skills, or
re-learn ones they have lost.
#Post#: 51452--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: Jayhawk Date: May 8, 2020, 12:03 pm
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I've learned a lot from the alzconnected.org website and message
board - also there are private facebook groups for caregivers
and spouses of those with dementia. Some folks just need to
vent; some need ideas, some just to talk about what is working
and what is not and to ask for ideas.
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