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#Post#: 51116--------------------------------------------------
talking to someone with dementia
By: Rho Date: April 29, 2020, 10:34 pm
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Mom is 96 and lives in a retirement home in Florida. She's in
the independent living area but being wheelchair bound she has
24/7 aides. I call her every evening. She has some dementia
that has accelerated in the past month due to lock down. Some
of what she says is laughable and I know how to respond. She
tells me the police came to her building because of a fire on
the 2nd floor. They gave her a pistol to help them find the
arsonist. " Mom are you reading another cop novel?"
She claims my son is job hunting. Whew not true, it's my nephew.
She can't keep names straight. No problem
Some of what she says would sound logical to a stranger. She
made a craft item and needs to bring it to the dining room to
show the manager. The dining room has been shuttered for weeks.
Or Mom has a box of Matzo and wants me to take it from her (I'm
outside Chicago) to bring to my sister in New York.
I never know how to respond to the 'logical' things. Do I tell
her she's imagining scenarios? Do I play along? Have any of
you navigated this situation?
#Post#: 51123--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: MarmaladeMom Date: April 29, 2020, 11:24 pm
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I’m so sorry. We found with my mother-in-law that it was better
to just go along with her. Anything else meant an argument no
one could win, and in her case she’d be mad or agitated without
ever quite knowing why since she’d forget what was recently
said. Being right or setting her right meant everyone ended up
upset.
#Post#: 51124--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: Oz Diva Date: April 30, 2020, 12:02 am
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You really cannot argue with someone with dementia, so it’s just
best to go along with what they say. Do her careers have any
advice?
#Post#: 51127--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: Lkdrymom Date: April 30, 2020, 5:43 am
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My father is 93 and in assisted living. Sometimes I try and
correct him but mostly I just go along with the stories. For
the past year my father has been repeating a story where he met
VP Pence and they discussed his service in WWII. My father did
have this conversation but it was back in the 1950s with Harry
Truman. In my father's mind he just had this conversation. I
just go with it now.
#Post#: 51128--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: Jem Date: April 30, 2020, 7:59 am
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A close friend has dedicated her life to working with people
with dementia and similar conditions, and she travels the nation
providing courses for people who work with or love someone with
dementia or other conditions. I have taken her course and it was
eye opening. One of the components was a simulation of at least
a portion of what a person with dementia might experience. It
involved putting on eyeglasses that blurred vision in changing
ways, headphones that continually cycled through irritating
noises or news clips, gloves that made it impossible to use your
hands correctly, shoes that prickled your feet, and probably
other components I am forgetting now. After being encumbered in
these ways, the people taking the course were asked to complete
various tasks like setting the table (except the items provided
weren't normal things you would use to set a table) or
remembering a 3-5 step navigation/task sequence. It was
incredibly frustrating.
Another portion of the course discussed exactly your question,
OP, and the advice was (as other PPs have stated) to NOT ARGUE
with someone with dementia but instead be pleasant and converse
with them. If they say it is Christmas 1975, act as though it is
Christmas 1975. They won't ever be convinced by you arguing with
them, and they won't even recall what you were arguing about,
but they will experience frustration and anger for really no
reason other than you (general you) wanting to be "right," or I
suppose more precisely, wanting your loved one to not have
dementia.
Hugs to loving someone with dementia.
#Post#: 51129--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: hjaye Date: April 30, 2020, 9:05 am
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My mom came to live in an assisted living facility near where I
live four months before she died. She had dementia and she
could say some real off the wall things. However, I came to a
point where I really looked forward to visiting her. For me, it
was the closest I'll ever get to going through a time machine.
When I entered her room, the past became alive. When I was with
her, my grandparents were still alive living in the house she
grew up in. A house I was very familiar with since it was a
large part of my childhood. She could remember things from the
past, and remember people, but time was not linear. At the same
time my grandparents were alive and taking care of her younger
sister (my aunt) her cousin, who was more like a brother to her,
was graduating from medical school, was married living in New
York, and had kids, all events that happened years apart.
However, it was almost magical to me, she would tell me she was
waiting on my grandfather to come visit, and I would tell her he
was there yesterday, but she was asleep and didn't want to
bother her, and she would accept that, and it would calm her
down.
We could talk about things that happened before I was born as if
it happened yesterday. At times she would be confused as to
where she was, and I would tell her to look out the window and
say that she was back in her home town where she grew up, she
would be overjoyed. She would tell me she thought she would
never see it again. I just referred to it as living in her
world, and we would have wonderful visits.
Also, it ended up giving me a little peace upon her passing.
The last time I saw her, when she was still cognizant, we
visited, I played some music for her (Glen Miller Moonlight
Serenade) which she loved, and then I got ready to leave. I
told her, as I always did when I was leaving, that I had to go,
but would be back later to visit. In the meantime, her dad was
supposed to come by later. She would always say, "That's
wonderful, I'm so glad he's coming" and she would be in a good
mood. Her short term memory was gone, so she would forget it in
five minutes, but it gave her some peace and comfort for the
moment.
When I left that last time and told her he father would be by in
a bit, she looked at me and said, "He's not coming later, he's
here now!" I asked her, "you mean grandpa is here in the room
right now?" And she looked at me and pointed at the end of her
bed and said "He's standing right there!"
That's the last thing she ever said to me, when I went to visit
her the next night, she was not conscious, and she never came
out of it, she died four days later. I believe my grandfather
was there, and he was ready to walk with her as she passed.
You can't fight it, you can't change it, so try to see if there
is anything positive you can take from it. May peace be with
you
#Post#: 51134--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: gramma dishes Date: April 30, 2020, 9:35 am
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^^^ I truly did love that story. You handled your Mom
beautifully and your way of telling it brought very real tears
to my eyes.
#Post#: 51136--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: Oz Diva Date: April 30, 2020, 9:52 am
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My mum is in hospital for radiotherapy right now. She’s 94. I
visited her this evening and while it went pretty well her story
changed at the end, rather than saying you just said X I just
went along with it. She’s done so well to avoid dementia up
until now but it seems to be catching up with her. Still we had
a chat about the state of the world and we agreed that our
premier is doing an excellent job, so she’s reasonably on top of
things.
Just go with the flow when talking with them.
#Post#: 51139--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: malfoyfan13 Date: April 30, 2020, 10:29 am
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Totally agree with the other posters - go with the flow. My
mother would have lucid days and then bad days and we'd just go
along with whatever was happening each day. It's often
frustrating, but arguing or trying to get the person to be
"normal" doesn't work. We didn't understand that at first. As
time went by and we did some research into how to deal with the
changes our mother was going through it got better and we
relaxed a bit.
I'm sorry you and your parent are going through this and I wish
you the best.
#Post#: 51141--------------------------------------------------
Re: talking to someone with dementia
By: NFPwife Date: April 30, 2020, 11:46 am
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I read an essay from a woman who was arguing with her parent who
was experiencing dementia. The woman and her husband were
members of an improv group and she noticed that her husband was
using the improv technique of "yes, and...." with the parent.
There was no conflict and he was having interesting and full
conversations with parent. She adopted the technique as well and
found all her irritability decreased and her tolerance
increased.
Personally, I've noticed that people who value what's "true"
over the relationship really struggle. I was talking with a
relative and gave the improv idea and relative said, "But that's
not TRUE! I'd be co-signing lies," and was super dug in on
making sure that everything was "right."
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