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#Post#: 51137--------------------------------------------------
Re: Communicating: individual priorities / oddities and accommod
ating them -- drawing of lines
By: TootsNYC Date: April 30, 2020, 9:57 am
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[quote]Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts. They've helped me to
see that on reflection, my phone-communicating friends'
situation is perhaps not all that relevant to the kind of issues
which this board addresses. [/quote]
I think it absolutely is relevant.
Sometimes there are hard-and-fast rules of Etiquette, but even
those are broad: "don't call at dinnertime" is one; but when is
dinnertime? That's not defined.
It's not rude to say, "In the future, please remember that we
eat at 7, so please call after 8pm." Why didn't he say that, or
ask his wife to say that?
It's simply inaccurate to assume a financial malice where there
is one.
And etiquette can give you the script for what you need.
This is reminding me of the time I used to have to leave an
envelope with a bill in our co-op treasurer's mailbox so he
could return a check to me for mailing to the supplier. I'd use
a brand-new, pristine quality envelope, expecting to get it back
and use it for mailing, and he'd return everything in one of
those window envelopes you get with your bills. It was fine w/
me that he was frugal in terms of the envelopes he used, and I
was a bit miffed at the beginning but assumed he just hadn't
noticed. But when he did it a third time, I wrote him a note to
say, "I've noticed the last 3 times you've returned the check &
bill to me in a different envelope from the nice one I gave it
to you in. I'm planning to use that envelope to mail the check,
or to hand it over in person, so please don't swap them out
again."
I did sit there and think, "what the hell--he's essentially
stealing my envelope," but there's no purchase in that, and it's
rude to accuse someone of it.
If one assume simple goodwill all around, the script and the
approach are easy to find.
#Post#: 51142--------------------------------------------------
Re: Communicating: individual priorities / oddities and accommod
ating them -- drawing of lines
By: NFPwife Date: April 30, 2020, 12:15 pm
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I had a thread on the old board about a friend texting at 5:00
a.m. I'd had to take my phone off do not disturb mode because my
MIL was in nursing home care and I couldn't opt out one or two
numbers because the nursing home outgoing calls came up with
multiple numbers. When I traveled, I used my phone as an alarm
and friend was waking me up.
I thought it was rude to text at 5 and 6 am. Others on the board
disagreed. I asked friend not to text that early because she was
waking me up and had to go through the whole process of "I can't
do do not disturb right now because (reasons)." Friend texted
one time after that, and stopped.
Later, she posted on FB that she earned a walking badge on
FitBit and one of her friends said, "I earned that too by
getting all those 5:00 a.m. texts!" In the FB conversation it
came up that she was up to walk on her new walking program and
was just seeing who was up to keep her company. Another person
said, "If we are up, we're rushing to get everyone ready for
school/ work, praying/ meditating, or doing our own workouts." I
clearly wasn't in the minority in the friend group; others
thought it was rude.
I've found that people have lots of preferences for their
preferred mode of communication - text, FB messenger, Google
hangouts, and I try to remember and use their preferred
platform, but, if I forget or happen to be in one platform and
reach out to them, I hope they appreciate that I've reached out
and not get salty that their preferred mode wasn't used.
#Post#: 51154--------------------------------------------------
Re: Communicating: individual priorities / oddities and accommod
ating them -- drawing of lines
By: bopper Date: April 30, 2020, 2:36 pm
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It also depends on the context...is this someone you need to
communicate with? If they don't show up, does it affect you?
There was a guy at work, Glen, that would not keep his Instant
Messaging on as he wanted to concentrate. He also wouldn't check
his email until lunch as he wanted to concentrate on developing
his code. He was a senior developer so we learned to call or run
over if we needed his advice on something or join us for a quick
meeting. We needed him so we adapted.
There was my boss, who wouldn't respond to my emails requesting
sign off on a document...we had to learn to wait until his IM
indicator showed he was in the office and not busy to run over
with a paper copy to get a sign off. We needed him so we
adapted.
Today I was on a friend zoom meeting...one guy, Frank could no
longer use his work computer for Zoom...he didn' thave a tablet,
his phone is so old there is no room to add new apps, his wife's
tablet wasn't accepting the zoom link...so we told him he could
call in. We brainstormed ways for him to join but didn't have to
do anything special as Zoom has a call feature.
#Post#: 51155--------------------------------------------------
Re: Communicating: individual priorities / oddities and accommod
ating them -- drawing of lines
By: NFPwife Date: April 30, 2020, 3:14 pm
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That's a good point, bopper. The platform preferences I was
thinking about are all social. As an example, I know I'll have
better conversations with my brother on FB messenger because he
types fast (as do I) so it flows like a really nice
conversation. I also know he hates to talk on the phone.
Professionally, I was on four different video conferencing apps
in one day last week. By the fourth video conference, my camera
basically said, "Forget this," and refused to work. I had to
restart the computer because nothing else would get it to work.
#Post#: 51164--------------------------------------------------
Re: Communicating: individual priorities / oddities and accommod
ating them -- drawing of lines
By: bopper Date: April 30, 2020, 8:15 pm
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It is like cash sharing apps...I now have Venmo and Paypal and
Zelle...because the people I wanted money from all had those so
I got them so I could get my money. But If I was buying, say,
Concert tickets for a bunch of people I would say I am only
taking money on the apps that I have already and am not adding
extra.
#Post#: 51167--------------------------------------------------
Re: Communicating: individual priorities / oddities and accommod
ating them -- drawing of lines
By: Aleko Date: May 1, 2020, 2:32 am
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Many decades ago I worked for an academic body in the UK. Very
basic databases had only just become a thing, and at that time
you had to specifically ask everyone whose name and address you
wanted to keep on record to state whether they were willing for
this information to be held electronically. If not, you had to
hold it on a paper list, file cards, whatever. Two or three
people on our mailing list didn't trust the mystery machine and
withheld consent; so whenever we wanted to send out a newsletter
I could print out mailing labels for more than 99% of them with
a few clicks, then remember to go and find the paper list and
type out their addresses. Later on, when email became a thing,
the relative nuisance became even greater; I could mail an
e-newsletter out to several hundred people inside a minute -
then for those two people I had to reformat the newsletter for
physical printing, print it out, type out address labels, stick
them on to envelopes, stuff the envelopes and take them down to
the post room to frank them . . . it could take well over an
hour.
Well, it was annoying but at least I was being paid for my time;
and the organisation could have charged a higher subscription
for the no-electronic-records-for-me-thanks brigade if they had
wanted. But social communication is different. Anyone is
perfectly within their rights to decline to engage with Facebook
and WhatsApp, to not have smartphones and all the rest of it:
but if they do, they need to realise how much extra effort their
acquaintances who do habitually use these means of communication
will have to make to keep them in the loop. Of course we'd all
like to think that our friends love us so much and are so alert
to our quaint little ways that they'll always remember 'Ah, of
course, I know Aleko isn't on WhatsApp' and will happily take
the trouble to send us a special individual invitation every
time they suggest meeting the gang for coffee. But it is
massively rude to demand it of them. A person who makes the
choice to stay off the grapevine (and they're not necessarily
wrong to do so; the amount of highly personal information that
people on social media thoughtlessly spill to the world is
scary), must resign themselves to often being out of the loop.
And they're not entitled to complain or resent the fact that
their friends won't do a whole lot of extra donkey-work just to
keep them informed.
#Post#: 51173--------------------------------------------------
Re: Communicating: individual priorities / oddities and accommod
ating them -- drawing of lines
By: Hmmm Date: May 1, 2020, 12:30 pm
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Aleko's story reminds me of an issue with had with my son's boy
scout troop. The person had been the troop secretary for about
15 years, well past when both of his sons were active scouts,
from somewhere around '93 to '2008. He's preferred method of
communicating was a monthly newsletter that he'd create and then
take to a print and mail service. The troop also had a
communications person who sent out emails and eventually created
a website and had a FB page. The council decided they no longer
wanted to spend the cost of the printing and mailing. Though he
didn't state that as the only reason, he was upset and finally
resigned as secretary. At least 10 to 15 parents (Troop of
around 80 boys) complained about no longer receiving the paper
newsletter. One particular mom complained to me that she liked
having the printed calendar on the fridge to remind them of
events (she had 3 boys and an active husband in the troop). I
suggested she could print a copy from the website or the emailed
version but she said "she forgets" to do it.
After a few months of complaining, the communications guy came
up with a great idea. If you want a newsletter mailed, sign up
for $15 a year and the cost would go to pay for the postage and
the remainder be a fund raiser for the troop to help offset
costs for the annual banquet. He had a parent willing to
volunteer their time to print, address and mail. Not one parent
signed up once it was going to cost them.
(back in the early 90s my DH was president of a local alumni
association and he did a monthly newsletter. I always new what
the evening plans were when we'd come home with a box from the
printer and a nice bottle of wine and cheese to bribe me to help
with stamping, stuffing and labeling.)
#Post#: 51178--------------------------------------------------
Re: Communicating: individual priorities / oddities and accommod
ating them -- drawing of lines
By: TootsNYC Date: May 1, 2020, 2:50 pm
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[quote]I could mail an e-newsletter out to several hundred
people inside a minute - then for those two people I had to
reformat the newsletter for physical printing, print it out,
type out address labels, stick them on to envelopes, stuff the
envelopes and take them down to the post room to frank them . .
. it could take well over an hour.[/quote]
I live in a small, self-managed co-operative apartment building.
Every apartment has an appointed director on the board, since
we're so small.
We segued over to communicating by email--except for one woman,
who refused to. So for her, we had to print out every single
communication and put it in her in box. It's a royal PITA.
awhile ago she got a tablet, but she still refuses to deal with
email. That's her prerogative, I guess, but it's annoying.
Then our treasurer wanted to insist that everyone pay their
maintenance by electronic transfer, with him triggering the
withdrawal the way the utility company does. But he messed up a
few times with mine, and I dug in my heels--if Mary could get
communications via printout, he could deal with a paper check.
Later it got easier and safer to do the transfer, so I started
doing that, but I'm still a little salty over it.
#Post#: 51227--------------------------------------------------
Re: Communicating: individual priorities / oddities and accommod
ating them -- drawing of lines
By: jazzgirl205 Date: May 3, 2020, 10:09 am
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For at least 30 years I've played my flute in church on Sunday
morning. I am a believer and go to church whether I play or
not. Everyone knows not to call me on Sundays before noon. I
had a dear friend who was a vocal atheist would would call the
house every Sunday morning to ask for me. My dh, an agnostic,
would tell her, "she's at church every Sunday before noon." She
would tell me later, "I called you but I guess you were busy."
I would repeatedly explain that I was busy every Sunday morning.
I don't know if it was rude for her to do that but I think it
was some kind of mental block. None of my other friends did
that.
#Post#: 51232--------------------------------------------------
Re: Communicating: individual priorities / oddities and accommod
ating them -- drawing of lines
By: VorFemme Date: May 3, 2020, 12:02 pm
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Our family phone plan did not include texting until 2016 (long
story - but we got socked with $50 plus monthly bills two months
or so in a row by a teenaged girl texting one of our phones that
would NOT quit - so we blocked them through the cell company).
My family members were alerted that we had phones, no data plan,
and NO TEXTING. So what did one relative by marriage do? Her
family kept right on texting us and getting upset when we "never
responded" - it had to be that we hated their family....
Explaining over & over that we had NO TEXTING on our plan and
had in fact had to block all texts...was not relevant because it
was clear to them that we were really ignoring them on purpose.
We finally got texting & a data plan and NEW smart phones that
would handle them well in the summer of 2016, when a recently
retired VorGuy realized that there were benefits to being able
to use travel apps in bad weather to route around traffic and
other obstacles. But it was only because we were retired and
traveling more often that the situation really came to the point
that HE wanted to change things. (I don't call him Scrooge -
but he is a retired accountant, so he is extremely aware of what
we're spending, where, when, why, and how...to an annoying
degree, at times.)
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