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#Post#: 50588--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: Aleko Date: April 19, 2020, 3:15 am
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[quote]I see that the "kids" are not doing anything for their
parents' birthdays. That changes it for me. I'd stop their
checks and not say a word.[/quote]
So it would for me, IF they are really doing nothing. But the
letter-writer only said they 'weren't reciprocating', which can
mean different things to different people. For some people, it
could mean that the "kids" weren't giving presents of equal
value. (For my DH's only aunt, that is exactly what it would
have meant. Before every Christmas of his entire childhood, she
would hand his parents some money to buy him a suitable present,
and if she didn't receive in return a present costing the EXACT
same price, there'd be hell to pay.) For all we know they may be
sending nice and carefully-considered presents, but just not
value-matching. After all, throughout all their college and
impoverished early working years, when Mum and Dad sent a cheque
there was no expectation that they would send one back! So they
may just not have thought of changing from what they always have
done.
#Post#: 50595--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: Hmmm Date: April 19, 2020, 9:53 am
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1685.msg50545#msg50545
date=1587205210]
I find the whole giving dynamic practised by the original
letter-writer as just odd. I agree that continuing to send a
cheque to one's children, as though they were still young people
starting their working lived on low pay, when in fact for years
they have been well-off middle-aged professionals, is weird; the
more so since the parents are giving the same amount to their
(presumably school- or at most college-aged) son, implying that
they see all three of them as being on the same level.
The letter writer doesn't say what kind of birthday presents she
thinks her DS and DIL ought to reciprocate with. Also, does she
really mean that they don't send any presents at all, or just
that their presents are not of equivalent monetary value? If the
latter, I think she's being unreasonable. If a wealthy older
relative gives you (generic you) money, that implies that they
think you need it, and it would be absurd to give them an
equivalent sum of money (whether as a cheque or in gift-token
form). Your only obligation is, obviously, to thank them when
you receive it, and on their birthdays to send something you can
reasonably hope they will like.
If her DS and DIL find these cheques from his parents kind of
inappropriate, but don't like to say so, they may well find it
hard to think how to reciprocate.
[/quote]
I get the impression that the son & DIL do not reciprocate at
all. Letter writer states they do not "reciprocate with birthday
gifts, or Mother’s or Father’s Day gifts". She also questions
whether they instilled a since of giving to their son.
Also, the LW doesn't indicate she expects to change her son's
behavior but instead is asking about changing her own behavior
by stopping gifts. Whether gifts are reciprocated or not, I
think it is perfectly reasonable for those moving to a more
limited income to modify any and all spending behaviors. I know
when that time comes for us, my DD will not be getting a $1000
camera and lenses for a bday anymore. :)
#Post#: 50600--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: Chez Miriam Date: April 19, 2020, 11:06 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1685.msg50595#msg50595
date=1587307996]
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1685.msg50545#msg50545
date=1587205210]
I find the whole giving dynamic practised by the original
letter-writer as just odd. I agree that continuing to send a
cheque to one's children, as though they were still young people
starting their working lived on low pay, when in fact for years
they have been well-off middle-aged professionals, is weird; the
more so since the parents are giving the same amount to their
(presumably school- or at most college-aged) son, implying that
they see all three of them as being on the same level.
The letter writer doesn't say what kind of birthday presents she
thinks her DS and DIL ought to reciprocate with. Also, does she
really mean that they don't send any presents at all, or just
that their presents are not of equivalent monetary value? If the
latter, I think she's being unreasonable. If a wealthy older
relative gives you (generic you) money, that implies that they
think you need it, and it would be absurd to give them an
equivalent sum of money (whether as a cheque or in gift-token
form). Your only obligation is, obviously, to thank them when
you receive it, and on their birthdays to send something you can
reasonably hope they will like.
If her DS and DIL find these cheques from his parents kind of
inappropriate, but don't like to say so, they may well find it
hard to think how to reciprocate.
[/quote]
I get the impression that the son & DIL do not reciprocate at
all. Letter writer states they do not "reciprocate with birthday
gifts, or Mother’s or Father’s Day gifts". She also questions
whether they instilled a since of giving to their son.
Also, the LW doesn't indicate she expects to change her son's
behavior but instead is asking about changing her own behavior
by stopping gifts. Whether gifts are reciprocated or not, I
think it is perfectly reasonable for those moving to a more
limited income to modify any and all spending behaviors. I know
when that time comes for us, my DD will not be getting a $1000
camera and lenses for a bday anymore. :)
[/quote]
That sentence was what made me think there was no gift, rather
than a gift of a lesser value.
We found it quite easy to stop sending cheques when there was
never a gift coming in our direction [not actually a problem],
nor a thank you. That? Yup, problem.
I tried to stop the gift exchange with my mum/brother, but that
was firmly vetoed, so I buy little things she'll like and a
gift-card on the National Garden Scheme [accepted over the whole
country].
I'm hoping that I will have managed to persuade her to do
likewise, as we have too.much.stuff! There's no way the
argument "but we're just swapping money" would do anything other
than upset her: she is a giving-as-a-show-of-love person, and I
think she likes having the gift card because she has to spend
that money on plants. :D
When we had the original discussion about stopping presents, she
said my brother was really upset by the idea. I said "of course
he is! He gets a present from me". That led (I suspect via
some heavy maternal hinting) to him actually buying a present
for us, so I feel much less resentment than I did.
If I were the LW, and my son doesn't give gifts, I'd be putting
those funds in my rainy day* fund!
* Or plant; plants are good. ;)
#Post#: 50620--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: lakey Date: April 19, 2020, 3:31 pm
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My parents gave us cash gifts. I was a combination of gift
giving and parents wanting to help out their children and
grandchildren. I think they viewed it as part of the role of
parents to help out their children, even when the children were
established adults. They would also take us all out for a
restaurant meal and pick up the check. Sometimes this involved
10-14 people. My father never allowed anyone else to pay.
Because they had no debt, house, cars, and so on all paid off,
they were able to do this. At Christmas they always said, don't
get us anything, we have everything we need. However, we gave
them token gifts, anyway. You have to do or give something to
show appreciation. One year three of us rented a steam cleaner
and steam cleaned their carpeting. Gifts tended to be things
like a "Best Grandma" sweatshirt, restaurant gift certificates,
or a box of candy.
The people in the Dear Prudence letter should have been doing
something. I don't think people want an equal value return on a
gift, they just want acknowledgement.
#Post#: 50709--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: Chez Miriam Date: April 21, 2020, 11:39 am
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[quote author=lakey link=topic=1685.msg50620#msg50620
date=1587328270]
My parents gave us cash gifts. I was a combination of gift
giving and parents wanting to help out their children and
grandchildren. I think they viewed it as part of the role of
parents to help out their children, even when the children were
established adults. They would also take us all out for a
restaurant meal and pick up the check. Sometimes this involved
10-14 people. My father never allowed anyone else to pay.
Because they had no debt, house, cars, and so on all paid off,
they were able to do this. At Christmas they always said, don't
get us anything, we have everything we need. However, we gave
them token gifts, anyway. You have to do or give something to
show appreciation. One year three of us rented a steam cleaner
and steam cleaned their carpeting. Gifts tended to be things
like a "Best Grandma" sweatshirt, restaurant gift certificates,
or a box of candy.
The people in the Dear Prudence letter should have been doing
something. I don't think people want an equal value return on a
gift, they just want acknowledgement.
[/quote]
I think that sums it up for me exactly, lakey.
We're now old enough that not giving a gift that won't be
appreciated [based on past performance] doesn't cause mental
anguish, but we will go above-and-beyond when we know a
recipient will enjoy our efforts.
I still remember the year I was so skint at Poly that I made
homemade jams/preserves/pickled onions [fierce!]/chutneys: all
our (older) friends adored them and put in requests for the
following year. I think then I was time-poor, so they had to
'put up with' bought gifts, but I do know [from things Mum has
said over the years] how much my brother's and my gifts were
appreciated because they showed that we appreciated the older
friend/family member enough to make an effort to gift them, even
if [in some cases, especially if] that gift were home made.
Because who can't have too many string jars/homemade
aprons/too-short knitted scarves? ;) ;D
#Post#: 50711--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: jpcher Date: April 21, 2020, 11:49 am
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Chez Miriam -- I didn't know whether to laugh or love your post.
;)
I agree that awesome gifts are what you can afford, what you
have time to make/buy, and personalized thoughts for the giftee.
Reciprocal certainly does not mean equal dollar value to me.
It's the thought and effort that counts.
#Post#: 50714--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: Chez Miriam Date: April 21, 2020, 12:00 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=jpcher link=topic=1685.msg50711#msg50711
date=1587487770]
Chez Miriam -- I didn't know whether to laugh or love your post.
;)
I agree that awesome gifts are what you can afford, what you
have time to make/buy, and personalized thoughts for the giftee.
Reciprocal certainly does not mean equal dollar value to me.
It's the thought and effort that counts.
[/quote]
You could do both! ;) ;D
You are so right about reciprocal, and thought/effort - efforts
put in may show so much more love that 'just' cash. I still
have a hand-drawn picture of "Miriam's Cafe" from my husband's
goddaughter after we'd done a "fancy"* meal one evening whilst
we were babysitting her and her brother on holiday.
There was so much love in that, and together with the lovely
8-year-old girl wonkiness it made my heart sing. [emoji179]
* Not really, but we set the table nicely, and had candles, and
asked what 'sir and madam' would like to drink.
#Post#: 51792--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: MarisaWood Date: May 16, 2020, 10:34 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=guihong link=topic=1685.msg50553#msg50553
date=1587223649]
My FIL sends cash gifts to me and DH for our birthdays and
Christmas. I don't take it as weird; he can't get to a store
easily and doesn't know our taste, so we can pick out something
for ourselves. It could also be thought of as "funny money" for
a weekend trip or nice dinner out.
[/quote]
My stepmom sends me cash for Christmas and my birthday--and I'm
almost 51! Not only because she doesn't know my taste, but
because she knows I have ways to stretch a small cash gift (e.g.
shopping at thrift and consignment shops).
#Post#: 51941--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: Chez Miriam Date: May 19, 2020, 9:02 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Waterlight link=topic=1685.msg51792#msg51792
date=1589686464]
[quote author=guihong link=topic=1685.msg50553#msg50553
date=1587223649]
My FIL sends cash gifts to me and DH for our birthdays and
Christmas. I don't take it as weird; he can't get to a store
easily and doesn't know our taste, so we can pick out something
for ourselves. It could also be thought of as "funny money" for
a weekend trip or nice dinner out.
[/quote]
My stepmom sends me cash for Christmas and my birthday--and I'm
almost 51! Not only because she doesn't know my taste, but
because she knows I have ways to stretch a small cash gift (e.g.
shopping at thrift and consignment shops).
[/quote]
Because we are charity-shop shoppers, I find cash much more
useful than a <thing> from M&S; I never really understood the
whole 'gift receipt, so I will return it and take the cash'
thinking, but now that my mother-in-law has M&S as her go-to
present destination, I like the fact that we can change/return
items. Not that either of us would suggest cash, but both
mothers apparently have never seen my husband and I with clothes
on?? The gifts would seem to back up that theory, although I
know it's not true.
[For instance, my husband is not a white polka do on red silk
scarf person, and I'm not a delicate/frilly jewellery person,
nor do I like "pretty", frilly, patterned blouses - give me a
plain linen shirt any day, and for everyday wear we're strictly
Sheldon Cooper (short-sleeved t-shirt over long-sleeved t-shirt)
unless it's baking hot!]
#Post#: 52056--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: bopper Date: May 20, 2020, 1:34 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Chez Miriam link=topic=1685.msg51941#msg51941
date=1589896953]
[For instance, my husband is not a white polka do on red silk
scarf person, and I'm not a delicate/frilly jewellery person,
nor do I like "pretty", frilly, patterned blouses - give me a
plain linen shirt any day, and for everyday wear we're strictly
Sheldon Cooper (short-sleeved t-shirt over long-sleeved t-shirt)
unless it's baking hot!]
[/quote]
My DH's grandma would buy me sweaters for Christmas that were
must more bright and girly than I would wear. I finally got her
to "buy something like you would for DH for me" and that worked
(back in the days of The Gap)
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