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#Post#: 50540--------------------------------------------------
Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: OnyxBird Date: April 17, 2020, 10:00 pm
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In a recent Dear Prudence column
HTML https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/03/when-your-boyfriend-says-youre-overreacting-to-the-covid-19-pandemic-advice-from-dear-prudie.html,<br
/>one of the letters, titled "Gifting," was from a parent who
gives their 40-year-old son, daughter-in-law, and grandchild
$100 each on birthdays and was upset about a lack of
reciprocation. They also stated that the son and daughter-in-law
"make good money." (Note: the letter didn't elaborate what kind
of reciprocal gifts the letter writer would expect.)
I found this a weird situation to read about because gifts of
cash or checks for "routine" gift-giving occasions like
birthdays, Christmas, etc., is something I strongly associate
with "unequal" gift-giving relationships, usually from older,
financially comfortable relatives/friends to children or young
adults with limited funds. E.g., my grandparents sent
birthday/Christmas checks to their minor grandchildren;
highschool or college graduates would get cash/check gifts from
older relatives/older friends of the family (not from peers); my
company gives employees Visa gift cards at Christmas. In none of
those situations was anything close to equal reciprocation
expected--in the personal relationships, an inexpensive or
homemade gift might flow in the opposite direction, but
certainly nothing approaching the monetary value of the
cash/check gift. If "equal" adults want to give a gift and don't
know what to pick, IME there is a strong social norm for it to
be a gift card rather than cash.
My assumption is that it ultimately traces back to the
"thoughtfulness" aspect of gift-giving. For a child or young
adult with zero or inadequate income, it is often a thoughtful
gift to essentially say "I know there's stuff you want that I
don't know the details of and that you have limited funds, so
here's money to spend however you want." The gift isn't "just"
cash; it's the autonomy of having money to spend without having
to justify the expenses. By contrast, two
financially-comfortable people giving monetary gifts to one
another on routine, annual occasions would largely just be just
shuffling money back and forth without really adding anything.
Thus, the "thoughtfulness" aspect, if the giver doesn't know
what specific item to give, gets shunted into demonstrating an
understanding of the person's tastes by picking a gift card to
the right place. (Often actually removing some of the freedom of
using the funds--instead of the gift being "Here's money to
spend on whatever you need or want without having to explain
yourself" like for the "poor" child or college student, it's "I
know you'd love books--more books than you can justify including
in your budget--so here's money you can only use for a fun book.
None of that mundane groceries nonsense; only books. ;)") One
of the few exceptions where monetary gifts between "equal"
adults doesn't jump out at me as being unusual is wedding gifts,
and that's assumed to be a unique occasion that wouldn't lead to
an annual shuffling back and forth between the same two people.
So what do y'all think? In your experience is it common for
"equal" adults to give routine monetary gifts to each other or
do you also associate those with largely one-way gifting, e.g.,
from adults to children? Is it common for parents (or other
older relatives) to continue giving monetary gifts to the "kids"
even after they're well into adulthood? If so, what sort of
reciprocal gifts do the "kids" give in return?
#Post#: 50544--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: Starry Diadem Date: April 18, 2020, 1:50 am
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I would absolutely agree with your analysis of the healthy form
this type of giving takes. I have gifted my sister's two
children this way since they grew old enough to have their own
ideas of what they wanted and could handle money sensibly, and I
continue to do so now they're adults because I can, they're
still finding their way in life and money can be tight for
little indulgences, and I love them dearly and want to support
them.
Reciprocation has been small presents of things they know I
love, usually to do with gardening. And that's perfect. To
expect a equal return negates the very reason I give them cash
and creates a rather soulless cash transaction that becomes
something not of equal regard and affection (which is what it
should be), but one of equal and grudging obligation.
#Post#: 50545--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: Aleko Date: April 18, 2020, 5:20 am
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I find the whole giving dynamic practised by the original
letter-writer as just odd. I agree that continuing to send a
cheque to one's children, as though they were still young people
starting their working lived on low pay, when in fact for years
they have been well-off middle-aged professionals, is weird; the
more so since the parents are giving the same amount to their
(presumably school- or at most college-aged) son, implying that
they see all three of them as being on the same level.
The letter writer doesn't say what kind of birthday presents she
thinks her DS and DIL ought to reciprocate with. Also, does she
really mean that they don't send any presents at all, or just
that their presents are not of equivalent monetary value? If the
latter, I think she's being unreasonable. If a wealthy older
relative gives you (generic you) money, that implies that they
think you need it, and it would be absurd to give them an
equivalent sum of money (whether as a cheque or in gift-token
form). Your only obligation is, obviously, to thank them when
you receive it, and on their birthdays to send something you can
reasonably hope they will like.
If her DS and DIL find these cheques from his parents kind of
inappropriate, but don't like to say so, they may well find it
hard to think how to reciprocate.
#Post#: 50550--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: Wanaca Date: April 18, 2020, 8:14 am
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I don't know if it's common but my dad and I used to exchange
monetary gifts for birthdays. We lived hundreds of miles apart
and we didn't really know what each other wanted/needed. He was
on a fixed income and the cash gifts were very appreciated. Our
tradition was to send a card and one dollar per birthday year.
So we were sending cash but were also saying that we remembered
how old each other was (thought that counts). The only time I
broke tradition was when he turned 75 I gave him two dollars a
year as a surprise.
Unequal? Sure. He was 32 years older than me. But that never
mattered because it was the thought that counted.
#Post#: 50553--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: AnnNottingham Date: April 18, 2020, 10:27 am
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My FIL sends cash gifts to me and DH for our birthdays and
Christmas. I don't take it as weird; he can't get to a store
easily and doesn't know our taste, so we can pick out something
for ourselves. It could also be thought of as "funny money" for
a weekend trip or nice dinner out.
#Post#: 50565--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: Luci Date: April 18, 2020, 2:56 pm
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The only time we don’t give a check is if we are worried about
how it will be spent. Silly, I know because it frees up some of
their funds for the questionable purchases. (I’m talking about
illegal substances and donations we are opposed to.) We give far
more than they could reciprocate. One family earns more than we
do, but they appreciate it. One year it made the difference of
whether they could visit the UK or not! Good. We are old. It’s
really quite freeing, because I am really a bed gift-chooser so
we don’t really give stuff that’s going to lay around and be in
the way for decades.
#Post#: 50566--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: chigger Date: April 18, 2020, 3:43 pm
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We also give cash gifts for birthdays, or a gift card. We are
spread out enough that I don't always know what our kids want or
need. Plus, they like it, because they can "splurge" a little on
themselves!
ETA: I see that the "kids" are not doing anything for their
parents' birthdays. That changes it for me. I'd stop the checks
and not say a word.
#Post#: 50581--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: mime Date: April 18, 2020, 9:08 pm
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Gift giving started to feel weird for my FOO as my brother and I
became financially stable. We've kind of shifted over the years,
and often the gift is something along the lines of "pick a date
when you want to see XYZ team play, and I'll buy the tickets."
Or most years my mom and I just decide that we're taking each
other to the theater as our gifts to each other. Sure it ends up
being just a symbolic shuffling of funds around, but we both
love it and continue to build happy memories. Some years it is
something local, other years it involves flying to Chicago. It's
all good.
And I want to say that I really appreciate a PPs wording of
giving money to some people as being about the gift of
"autonomy". I have understood that idea for ages and ages, but
have never been able to put words to it. Now I have those
words-- thank you!
#Post#: 50582--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: OnyxBird Date: April 18, 2020, 9:43 pm
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[quote author=pjeans link=topic=1685.msg50581#msg50581
date=1587262122]
Gift giving started to feel weird for my FOO as my brother and I
became financially stable. We've kind of shifted over the years,
and often the gift is something along the lines of "pick a date
when you want to see XYZ team play, and I'll buy the tickets."
Or most years my mom and I just decide that we're taking each
other to the theater as our gifts to each other. Sure it ends up
being just a symbolic shuffling of funds around, but we both
love it and continue to build happy memories. Some years it is
something local, other years it involves flying to Chicago. It's
all good.
And I want to say that I really appreciate a PPs wording of
giving money to some people as being about the gift of
"autonomy". I have understood that idea for ages and ages, but
have never been able to put words to it. Now I have those
words-- thank you!
[/quote]
Buying someone theater tickets doesn't strike me as odd or as
just shuffling money around (even if each party hosts once and
is treated once and even if the giver/receiver would otherwise
have attended those events at their own expense*). If that were
considered equivalent to trading cash, then I don't see any
reason the same wouldn't apply to exchanging tangible gifts of
similar monetary value. Or, to put it differently, sure, a lot
of gift-giving is ultimately "symbolic shuffling of funds," but
the symbolism is meaningful--it's when it's literally trading
cash/checks that the "symbolic" part disappears for me. I've
bought people event tickets as gifts before, and received such
gifts. In my experience, not only is it often (but not always)
something the giver and receiver attend together (so a
shared-time aspect of the gift), but either the giver is
choosing/suggesting an event based on knowing what the receiver
likes (i.e., the same thoughtfulness element that occurs with
picking a good tangible gift) or, if the recipient
hints/requests tickets to a specific event, the giver is
learning more about what the recipient enjoys (so a
relationship-building aspect).
*It seems kind of like the dynamics of friends on a trip
together alternately treating one another in a relatively even
exchange (rather than going dutch) versus alternating handing
each other a $20 bill. Objectively, both could be viewed as just
swapping money back and forth because they don't result in a net
transfer of money, but IME the former feels like a warm and
caring exchange while literally just swapping cash for no other
reason would feel empty and pointless. I get together with a
friend every year, and we almost always swap covering
expenses--food, parking fees, etc.; part of it is convenience in
that it's often easier for one person to pay for a given expense
rather than split it (especially if we're, e.g., ordering food
for delivery), but it's also largely just because it feels nice
to offer "Hey, breakfast is on me" or to hear "Oh, don't worry
about it. I'll cover lunch."
#Post#: 50587--------------------------------------------------
Re: Dear Prudence letter: Cash gifts to adult offspring
By: Bada Date: April 19, 2020, 12:02 am
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My parents (through my (step)mom) send me a check for my
birthday, one for my husband's birthday, one for our
anniversary, and one for Christmas. There's never any attempt to
give a gift. Half the time they simply send a check for DS's
birthday/Christmas too, and as a toddler he's mighty easy to buy
for. My husband and I are much better off than my parents
financially and I hate that they give us these checks. We don't
need the money to treat ourselves to anything. It all just gets
deposited into our account and spent as anything else we earned
would have been spent. Back 5 years ago when we were barely
making ends meet it was nice to get money to "treat ourselves",
but now it's just stupid (and they are very aware of our changed
circumstances--changing from the studying/training part of our
careers to the actual making money part of our careers). But I
have yet to find a polite way to tell them I don't want their
money and would far more appreciate a small gift given out of
love...so when I get a check I simply say thank you. Unlike the
kids in the letter, though, we actually give gifts to our
parents in return, though not in equal amount (and not in cash
form).
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