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#Post#: 53279--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: lakey Date: June 17, 2020, 3:22 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote]Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for
Everyone's Dinner
« Reply #88 on: Today at 08:26:41 am »
Quote
I suspect they've never thrown a party of this type before, and
all those stupid "hacks" they heard about doesn't help. The web
can be a useful tool, a cesspool.......Or the opposite.
I guess if everyone knows perfect etiquette, advice columnists
will be out of jobs ;)
[/quote]
When people of my generation were getting married, they relied
on relatives, like parents and aunts to clue them in. It was
usually a mother, aunt, or grandmother who would tell you that
"that just isn't done".
#Post#: 53319--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: lowspark Date: June 18, 2020, 8:05 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=lakey link=topic=1670.msg53279#msg53279
date=1592425373]
[quote]Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for
Everyone's Dinner
« Reply #88 on: Today at 08:26:41 am »
Quote
I suspect they've never thrown a party of this type before, and
all those stupid "hacks" they heard about doesn't help. The web
can be a useful tool, a cesspool.......Or the opposite.
I guess if everyone knows perfect etiquette, advice columnists
will be out of jobs ;)
[/quote]
When people of my generation were getting married, they relied
on relatives, like parents and aunts to clue them in. It was
usually a mother, aunt, or grandmother who would tell you that
"that just isn't done".
[/quote]
I think that the difference is that in my generation, we were
getting married much younger. We were still dependent on our
parents in many cases, or at least newly independent. So it was
the norm to get advice from them, or other relatives, as to how
to do things.
Now, more couples are already in established households with
their spouse-to-be, already independent and making all their own
decisions. A wedding is just another set of decisions to make,
and they either don't want advice from "elders" or don't think
to ask.
#Post#: 53320--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Rose Red Date: June 18, 2020, 8:27 am
---------------------------------------------------------
The world is also a smaller place these days. Each culture or
region have traditions that are frowned on by another.
"Church ladies" doing all the work, yet others say you shouldn't
put guests to work.
Asking for cash gifts yet others say it's tacky.
I've even read stories that it's normal to bring your own plate
of food in some circles :o
Some circles would be insulted or disappointed if there's no
dollar dance.
Cash bar is normal in some places but rude in others.
It's not surprising the couple in the OP think it's ok for
guests to pay for their own meal. They probably read it
somewhere.
#Post#: 53332--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Gellchom Date: June 18, 2020, 12:21 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=lowspark link=topic=1670.msg53319#msg53319
date=1592485508]
[quote author=lakey link=topic=1670.msg53279#msg53279
date=1592425373]
[quote]Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for
Everyone's Dinner
« Reply #88 on: Today at 08:26:41 am »
Quote
I suspect they've never thrown a party of this type before, and
all those stupid "hacks" they heard about doesn't help. The web
can be a useful tool, a cesspool.......Or the opposite.
I guess if everyone knows perfect etiquette, advice columnists
will be out of jobs ;)
[/quote]
When people of my generation were getting married, they relied
on relatives, like parents and aunts to clue them in. It was
usually a mother, aunt, or grandmother who would tell you that
"that just isn't done".
[/quote]
I think that the difference is that in my generation, we were
getting married much younger. We were still dependent on our
parents in many cases, or at least newly independent. So it was
the norm to get advice from them, or other relatives, as to how
to do things.
Now, more couples are already in established households with
their spouse-to-be, already independent and making all their own
decisions. A wedding is just another set of decisions to make,
and they either don't want advice from "elders" or don't think
to ask.
[/quote]
Some people (individuals, families, communities, and cultures)
see weddings as just about the couple. Others see them as
family and/or community events. Neither way is wrong. But it
makes a big difference in expectations about who is involved in
planning and whose experience is relevant.
#Post#: 53360--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Aleko Date: June 19, 2020, 3:28 am
---------------------------------------------------------
There's also a fundamental difference between what you might
call the 'community' wedding and the catered wedding. I think a
lot of the confusion about 'what's acceptable and what's not'
comes from taking examples out of this crucial context.
It's perfectly legit to ask your community (which could be your
family, your friends, your religious group, whatever) to pitch
in and help create your wedding - decorate the church hall,
provide skilled services such as photography and hairdressing,
bring food, cook lay tables and serve, etc. But if you do that
you are giving your community ownership of the event to some
extent; e.g. if the 'church ladies' are asked to decorate the
hall you can say what you'd like in general terms, but if what
they really passionately enjoy is putting naff little posies on
every pillar, you can't decently say 'I want you to do all the
work but not do your favourite things'.
If on the other hand you get professionals to do everything, you
can be as specific in your demands as you like, provided you are
willing to pay for your whimsies. What you cannot do is get your
guests to pay for any of it, because you aren't giving them any
ownership.
#Post#: 57196--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: bopper Date: September 10, 2020, 10:43 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Let's say you only have $2000 dollars to pay for the reception.
Then you can:
Have 20 people at $100 each
Have 100 people at $20 each.
So you can have a smaller wedding or a less formal
reception...maybe a BBQ or just cake.
But you can't say "I'll pay for 20 people and the other 80 have
to pay for yourselves."
#Post#: 57211--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: TootsNYC Date: September 10, 2020, 1:32 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1670.msg53360#msg53360
date=1592555298]
There's also a fundamental difference between what you might
call the 'community' wedding and the catered wedding. I think a
lot of the confusion about 'what's acceptable and what's not'
comes from taking examples out of this crucial context.
It's perfectly legit to ask your community (which could be your
family, your friends, your religious group, whatever) to pitch
in and help create your wedding - decorate the church hall,
provide skilled services such as photography and hairdressing,
bring food, cook lay tables and serve, etc. But if you do that
you are giving your community ownership of the event to some
extent; e.g. if the 'church ladies' are asked to decorate the
hall you can say what you'd like in general terms, but if what
they really passionately enjoy is putting naff little posies on
every pillar, you can't decently say 'I want you to do all the
work but not do your favourite things'.
[/quote]
I think you are also giving that community the right to ask you
for assistance in similar situations. And you need to be ready
to deliver. Or you should have delivered in the past.
I asked the church ladies to do all the work of setting up the
punch and cake, etc.--but I taught their kids in Sunday school,
etc. I asked the altar-guild folks to drape the cross in the
white veil that we usually use for the festival of Easter
(appropriate, because a wedding is a festival); they were happy
to. But I also was an acolyte, etc. And I also purchased a
second candle lighter for the church to keep (bcs I wanted to
have two in use), etc.
I asked my brothers to cook the burgers at the rehearsal
dinner--and they can ask me for anything they need as well.
#Post#: 59258--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Winterlight Date: October 21, 2020, 3:33 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1670.msg57211#msg57211
date=1599762775]
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1670.msg53360#msg53360
date=1592555298]
There's also a fundamental difference between what you might
call the 'community' wedding and the catered wedding. I think a
lot of the confusion about 'what's acceptable and what's not'
comes from taking examples out of this crucial context.
It's perfectly legit to ask your community (which could be your
family, your friends, your religious group, whatever) to pitch
in and help create your wedding - decorate the church hall,
provide skilled services such as photography and hairdressing,
bring food, cook lay tables and serve, etc. But if you do that
you are giving your community ownership of the event to some
extent; e.g. if the 'church ladies' are asked to decorate the
hall you can say what you'd like in general terms, but if what
they really passionately enjoy is putting naff little posies on
every pillar, you can't decently say 'I want you to do all the
work but not do your favourite things'.
[/quote]
I think you are also giving that community the right to ask you
for assistance in similar situations. And you need to be ready
to deliver. Or you should have delivered in the past.
I asked the church ladies to do all the work of setting up the
punch and cake, etc.--but I taught their kids in Sunday school,
etc. I asked the altar-guild folks to drape the cross in the
white veil that we usually use for the festival of Easter
(appropriate, because a wedding is a festival); they were happy
to. But I also was an acolyte, etc. And I also purchased a
second candle lighter for the church to keep (bcs I wanted to
have two in use), etc.
I asked my brothers to cook the burgers at the rehearsal
dinner--and they can ask me for anything they need as well.
[/quote]
That kind of community can be a lifesaver at times. When my mom
died, members of her social groups provided food at the
celebration of life, located a place, etc., because mom had done
the same thing for their families when they needed her. It saved
us a lot of stress at an already painful time not to have to
find a hall and whatnot.
#Post#: 69842--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Gellchom Date: September 4, 2021, 7:00 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Hey, holly firestorm, what happened with this wedding?
#Post#: 69843--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: gramma dishes Date: September 4, 2021, 8:48 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1670.msg69842#msg69842
date=1630756858]
Hey, holly firestorm, what happened with this wedding?
[/quote]
Yes, I'm also curious!
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