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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 50001--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Hmmm Date: April 9, 2020, 2:45 pm
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[quote author=Jem link=topic=1670.msg49993#msg49993
date=1586456231]
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1670.msg49973#msg49973
date=1586447373]
So--my point is:
If I were advising this couple, I would suggest that they think
whether there is anyone close to them that they could turn to
for help in offsetting the cost of this, either as their wedding
gift (or partial wedding gift) or as a long-term no-interest
loan.
[/quote]
This would really rub me the wrong way, especially for a
destination wedding. There is absolutely no reason why this
couple cannot have a wedding they can afford and provide some
hospitality to their guests. If they want to go to Vegas
afterword for a honeymoon, great, but there is no way I would
financially support this couple in the wedding they are
currently planning.
[/quote]
That was one of my first reactions but then I started thinking
that a wedding at Circus Circus could be way cheaper than the
cost of renting a chapel or arranging for a park to have a civil
ceremony. I took a look at the packages and they can have one
for $600 that includes 1 night hotel room, use of the chappel,
bouquet, a dvd of the ceremony & photographer & a few photos. If
they are within driving distance, I know that is way less
expensive anything you'd be able to do in my city. Here I doubt
you'd be able to get a photographer to come onsite for less than
$500 for the ceremony. The most expensive package they offered
was $1600. So let's say the couple were "splurging" for the $900
middle of the road package, the bride spends $300 on her dress
and they have another $500 in travel or other expenses. So they
are still under $2000 for the entire wedding cost. If they have
50 guests (OP said the chapel held 65 but expected less) and the
restaurant is $30 per guest then you add on the gratuity and
taxes, they are around $2000 for the dinner. They've now doubled
their budget.
But I do agree with Toots about checking with close family on
whether they'd be ok with picking up part of the reception cost
#Post#: 50004--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: gramma dishes Date: April 9, 2020, 3:28 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1670.msg49964#msg49964
date=1586445649]
When is this wedding, anyway? If it’s in the next month or two,
at the very least, all of this is moot.
They could solve this by decorating a front porch to look like
Vegas and have carefully spaced officiant and witnesses out
there with them and everyone else Zoom in. They can triple the
guest list!
[/quote]
Actually that's a very clever idea! And there are potentially
endless variations!
#Post#: 50005--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: NFPwife Date: April 9, 2020, 3:29 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Something makes me think the couple was considering having
guests pay their own way at the Circus Circus buffet. It's $25
for dinner on Fridays and Saturdays so $30 with a 20% tip. If
they did breakfast it's $19.99. I imagine the buffet get large
groups like bus tours and could handle the guests if they had
notice and planned seating. Just taking everyone downstairs
after the wedding could be a logistical nightmare. Even before
the pandemic, Vegas offered streaming services for weddings.
They could do a very small wedding with a couple friends and
immediate family and a housewarming / reception when they get
home. Anyone who wants to attend the wedding can stream it.
Given the updated information that the couple is more naive than
rude, I think holly firestorm can gently guide them to
considering options they can afford. In some families this could
be a faux pas that would be hard to recover from.
#Post#: 50012--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: OnyxBird Date: April 9, 2020, 5:27 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1670.msg50001#msg50001
date=1586461519]
[quote author=Jem link=topic=1670.msg49993#msg49993
date=1586456231]
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1670.msg49973#msg49973
date=1586447373]
So--my point is:
If I were advising this couple, I would suggest that they think
whether there is anyone close to them that they could turn to
for help in offsetting the cost of this, either as their wedding
gift (or partial wedding gift) or as a long-term no-interest
loan.
[/quote]
This would really rub me the wrong way, especially for a
destination wedding. There is absolutely no reason why this
couple cannot have a wedding they can afford and provide some
hospitality to their guests. If they want to go to Vegas
afterword for a honeymoon, great, but there is no way I would
financially support this couple in the wedding they are
currently planning.
[/quote]
That was one of my first reactions but then I started thinking
that a wedding at Circus Circus could be way cheaper than the
cost of renting a chapel or arranging for a park to have a civil
ceremony. I took a look at the packages and they can have one
for $600 that includes 1 night hotel room, use of the chappel,
bouquet, a dvd of the ceremony & photographer & a few photos. If
they are within driving distance, I know that is way less
expensive anything you'd be able to do in my city. Here I doubt
you'd be able to get a photographer to come onsite for less than
$500 for the ceremony. The most expensive package they offered
was $1600. So let's say the couple were "splurging" for the $900
middle of the road package, the bride spends $300 on her dress
and they have another $500 in travel or other expenses. So they
are still under $2000 for the entire wedding cost. If they have
50 guests (OP said the chapel held 65 but expected less) and the
restaurant is $30 per guest then you add on the gratuity and
taxes, they are around $2000 for the dinner. They've now doubled
their budget.
But I do agree with Toots about checking with close family on
whether they'd be ok with picking up part of the reception cost
[/quote]
But why are any of those things (other that perhaps reserving a
space large enough to accommodate the attendees) needed to the
point that they would take precedence over providing any actual
hospitality to the people invited to the wedding?
Unless the couple are marrying in Vegas because it they are
traveling to the location where a majority of their guests live
(i.e., taking on the travel costs in order to save travel
costs/time for their guests), then a hotel room, professional
photographer, bouquet, new clothes, etc., are all for the
benefit of the couple, not their guests. To choose to incur
costs that indulge themselves and then claim they "can't afford"
to offer their guests the minimal hospitality of a simple meal
or even a slice of cake is the problem with the whole idea, even
if those self-indulgent costs would be on the frugal side
compared to many other peoples' weddings.
Plenty of people get married in someone's backyard, eliminating
venue rental fees. The marriage is still valid even if there are
no photographs at all, much less with no professional
videographer. There's nothing wrong with getting married in
ordinary clothes one already owns rather than special, new
"wedding" clothes. There is nothing rude about serving simple,
homemade cake from a box mix and lemonade made at home to save
on food costs (or just, in general, simple food bought at a
grocery store, rather than more expensive restaurant/catered
meals). There is, however, something very wrong about inviting
"guests" to come, at their own expense, to celebrate the couple
while the couple does nothing in terms of hospitality but does
spend money on themselves.
A cash-strapped couple who truly did an absolute minimal-cost
wedding--cheap/free venue, flowers from their yard rather than a
florist, in their Sunday best rather than new clothes,
etc.--might be able to pull off a "Hey, we're getting married at
[place] at [date/time]. If you would like to come and witness
our marriage, we'd be thrilled. We wish we could host you for a
reception, but unfortunately, we can't afford that right now. We
and our families are going to [go to inexpensive restaurant/have
a potluck] afterwards, and you'd be welcome to join us" and have
it come off OK. Especially if they managed to pony up some
cupcakes or cookies or other small treat for the guests after
the ceremony. But not if they're spending money on unnecessary
add-ons for themselves before providing any hosting for the
guests.
#Post#: 50036--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Chez Miriam Date: April 10, 2020, 6:53 am
---------------------------------------------------------
We got married very quietly, I in a borrowed [not-wedding]
dress, and took our two witnesses* out for lunch afterwards
[that then turned into dinner: tapas bar, and the drinks
flowed]. One friend borrowed my camera [and then the
Registrar's assistant took a couple of photos of us signing the
Register], and took a photo of me at home, and us outside the
Registry Office afterwards; cost <£5. Then, a couple of weeks
later, we threw a party where we provided drinks and (very nice)
nibbles. Anyone who asked was told we did not want/need
presents, just please come and celebrate with us. Enough people
showed up with a gift that I was embarrassed [seriously did not
want anyone to buy us anything], but we oohed and aahed [and
wrote prompt thank-you notes :)]. It was important to us to
somenify our marriage, but we did not want a big wedding; a
party where all the people we loved/cared about were invited and
fed/watered was the balance we struck.
I did buy a new cardigan, and a £5 bunch of flowers - so pushed
the boat out about an inch!
For our honeymoon, we hired a car and spent 3 days in the Pas de
Calais. I think that whole trip cost what one night in a
half-decent London hotel would have done [3-day returns can be
cheap!].
I would not feel well disposed to a couple that could stay in a
hotel, have a full-on wedding, a (however cheap) 'proper'
photographer/videographer, and yet expected me to pay for my
meal. I would, in those circumstances, be assuming that my
efforts to attend/feed myself would be considered my gift to
them. Were hints made that I should have brought an actual gift
for them, fleas may be inserted into ears.
*The Registrar told us we were NOT allowed to pick two people
from the street, we had to bring two witnesses already known to
us.
#Post#: 50078--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: holly firestorm Date: April 10, 2020, 7:36 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Well, I warned my BFF that the "No Host" wedding reception was
really looked down on in many circles and suggested maybe they
just scale it down to hors d'oeuvres, cake and a beverage for
toasting. (I suggested not making it coffee since it will be in
the evening.) Someone suggested the groom had a lot to do with
this idea and you are right. And, of course, I promised I would
be there for her no matter what her decision was. So, we'll
see.
#Post#: 50083--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: NyaChan Date: April 11, 2020, 11:09 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=holly firestorm link=topic=1670.msg50078#msg50078
date=1586565382]
Well, I warned my BFF that the "No Host" wedding reception was
really looked down on in many circles and suggested maybe they
just scale it down to hors d'oeuvres, cake and a beverage for
toasting. (I suggested not making it coffee since it will be in
the evening.) Someone suggested the groom had a lot to do with
this idea and you are right. And, of course, I promised I would
be there for her no matter what her decision was. So, we'll
see.
[/quote]
Interesting that the groom was pushing for it. I think you’ve
done what you can this point to help them make an informed
choice. After that, it’s up to them to pick what they want and
for the guests to decide whether they want to attend or not.
Honestly, I might go anyways but would think if it as me going
up for a fun Vegas weekend where I just happen to also witness a
friend’s ceremony
#Post#: 50086--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Winterlight Date: April 11, 2020, 6:09 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
It sounds like you've done all you can at this point, so
hopefully they will take this on board and reconsider.
#Post#: 50105--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: TootsNYC Date: April 12, 2020, 1:30 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=NyaChan link=topic=1670.msg50083#msg50083
date=1586621380]
[quote author=holly firestorm link=topic=1670.msg50078#msg50078
date=1586565382]
Well, I warned my BFF that the "No Host" wedding reception was
really looked down on in many circles and suggested maybe they
just scale it down to hors d'oeuvres, cake and a beverage for
toasting. (I suggested not making it coffee since it will be in
the evening.) Someone suggested the groom had a lot to do with
this idea and you are right. And, of course, I promised I would
be there for her no matter what her decision was. So, we'll
see.
[/quote]
Interesting that the groom was pushing for it. I think you’ve
done what you can this point to help them make an informed
choice. After that, it’s up to them to pick what they want and
for the guests to decide whether they want to attend or not.
Honestly, I might go anyways but would think if it as me going
up for a fun Vegas weekend where I just happen to also witness a
friend’s ceremony
[/quote]
And of course, with the way things normally work, if he'd gotten
his way, the bride would still be the one blamed for it.
#Post#: 50118--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: DaDancingPsych Date: April 12, 2020, 5:25 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=holly firestorm link=topic=1670.msg50078#msg50078
date=1586565382]
Well, I warned my BFF that the "No Host" wedding reception was
really looked down on in many circles and suggested maybe they
just scale it down to hors d'oeuvres, cake and a beverage for
toasting. (I suggested not making it coffee since it will be in
the evening.) Someone suggested the groom had a lot to do with
this idea and you are right. And, of course, I promised I would
be there for her no matter what her decision was. So, we'll
see.
[/quote]
You are an excellent friend and attendant! You have done them a
great service by sharing this information.
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