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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 49918--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Gellchom Date: April 8, 2020, 10:04 pm
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Glad we could help! You are wise not to spend more than you
feel happy about. That's one advantage that the couple's own
stinginess gives you -- you certainly aren't going to feel cheap
no matter what you do.
[quote author=Bada link=topic=1670.msg49903#msg49903
date=1586392752]
Holly said it's only a "destination wedding" for some people
(Reply 28):
[quote]My impression is that a few close friends and family will
have to fly or drive in and spend the night and the others live
close enough to have the option to either day trip or stay the
night. [/quote]
She has also said the dinner will only be $30 per person, so
they aren't looking for an "expensive restaurant meal", though
they are looking for a full restaurant meal rather than
compromising on something lesser.
I don't agree with the plan overall, but I do think we need to
be sure we're complaining about the ACTUAL plan, rather than our
unintentionally misguided ideas about what the plan is.
[/quote]
I agree -- certainly there are much more expensive restaurant
meals than $30. But I wouldn't call it terribly inexpensive,
either -- certainly it is much more than a pizza, sandwiches,
hot dogs, or tacos and soft drinks meal would be.
I'm kind of confused about whether anyone lives in Las Vegas, or
if the "locals" just live close enough that they could drive in
and not necessarily have to stay over one or two nights; but
that still could mean a few hours of driving each way. That
still seems almost like a "destination" to me when it comes to
whether it is inhospitable not to provide a meal: even if it's
not overnight, you are asking people to devote pretty much the
full day, and almost certainly over at least one meal time.
But -- I think that the "destination wedding" issue is a red
herring anyway. The questions whether a destination wedding
must include a meal and whether this is a destination wedding
are moot.
Because they DO want a reception including a meal, a nice one --
they just don't want to PAY for it.
So it really doesn't matter whether it's a destination wedding
or not, in the end. Because even if it were a strictly local,
hometown wedding, it would be just as rude to plan a reception
that you can't (or don't want to) pay for and expect your
"guests" to pay for it.
#Post#: 49919--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Rose Red Date: April 8, 2020, 10:15 pm
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[quote author=holly firestorm link=topic=1670.msg49915#msg49915
date=1586400168]
It's not so much my friends being rude, just more that they are
rather naive when it comes to this kind of etiquette.
[/quote]
Which is why you need to let them know their plan is rude. Just
because they don't know something doesn't mean they can't learn.
You'd be doing them a kindness.
#Post#: 49920--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Gellchom Date: April 8, 2020, 10:28 pm
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Maybe pointing out the logistical problems will convince them
not to do this.
In the first post, Holly said that they want "everyone" to come
to dinner with them in the restaurant. How do they envision
that happening? Walking in and saying to the hostess, "Table
for 62, please"?
For a group even half that size, the restaurant will need them
to reserve in advance, probably in a separate room, and choose
the menu, at best with a few options, too. Probably put down a
deposit. And they are not going to want 62 different orders and
some 30 separate checks for one group being served all at the
same time.
If they don't do that, and everyone just goes to the restaurant
after the ceremony, they won't even be seated at the same time,
let alone together. So what would even be the point?
Holly, maybe try talking to your friend about this. That may be
what gets her to abandon this bad plan even if she doesn't care
about being inhospitable. They may still decide to go to the
restaurant by themselves and not provide any meal for their
guests, including those who traveled, which is still pretty bad,
but not as bad as expecting them to pay for their reception.
#Post#: 49929--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: HenrysMom Date: April 9, 2020, 2:47 am
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If the B&G are determined to marry in Vegas, fine. However,
instead of the logistical nightmare that would involve 50-100
people traveling there and paying for their own meals at a
buffet (I seriously doubt that many would be willing to do this
post-Corona), they should limit their Vegas guest list to
immediate family and BFFs and have a proper cake and punch (or
whatever) reception closer to home base. In your shoes, OP,
that’s what I would encourage.
#Post#: 49945--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Rose Red Date: April 9, 2020, 7:48 am
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I'm wondering what the plan is? For up to 100 people, you
definitely have to stand in a long line at a buffet place. For a
reservation at a sit down place, I bet they want the menu and
payment ahead of time. If I'm paying for my own meal, I don't
want a set menu. A limited or set menu is for when a host is
paying.
I can understand a guest list of maybe 20 if the plan is for
everyone ordering and paying for their own meal, but planning
for 60-100 is a nightmare for all involved, especially for the
restaurant.
#Post#: 49949--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Aleko Date: April 9, 2020, 8:51 am
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[quote]...the dinner will be only $30 per person, so they aren't
looking for an "expensive restaurant meal"[/quote]
Which, paradoxically enough, in some ways makes it worse. For
one, mass catering at cheap hotels can be pretty dire. People
chomping their way through rubber chicken and soggy vegetables
are likely to think 'I'd rather be eating a decent burger or a
crisp hot pizza, and I wouldn't be paying half as much'.
For another, in a way it makes them look even more stingy: if
they had a lovely dinner somewhere grand, (a) at least the
guests might actually enjoy it, and (b) even if they felt that
it's wrong in principle to have a wedding one can't afford, at
least they would understand the bride and groom really couldn't
afford to give them such a nice meal. Having a rock-bottom-cheap
hotel dinner and not even shelling out for that just looks mean,
in a way that giving them pizza and Coke wouldn't.
#Post#: 49950--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: gramma dishes Date: April 9, 2020, 8:55 am
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^^^ That's an interesting point of view and actually I agree.
One of the worst hotel reception dinners I ever had was exactly
as you describe. It was truly awful and pretty much everyone
agreed, no matter which of the three choices they made.
One of the most fun receptions was at the parents' home (huge
house) and they got delivered sub sandwiches. Served with
veggie trays and soft drinks. Finished by cake, ice cream and
a glass of wine.
#Post#: 49953--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: TootsNYC Date: April 9, 2020, 9:17 am
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[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1670.msg49919#msg49919
date=1586402112]
[quote author=holly firestorm link=topic=1670.msg49915#msg49915
date=1586400168]
It's not so much my friends being rude, just more that they are
rather naive when it comes to this kind of etiquette.
[/quote]
Which is why you need to let them know their plan is rude. Just
because they don't know something doesn't mean they can't learn.
You'd be doing them a kindness.
[/quote]
You don't have to use the word "rude"; you can say "it's not
done," or you can say it will look bad, especially since people
are giving them gifts. It's not a birthday gathering, which
sometimes IS a situation in which everyone pays for their own
meals and part of the birthday person's. In those situations,
many people don't give a gift beyond pitching in for the
birthday person's meal. And even those situations are iffy.
You can say things like, "It's a wedding, and that's just not
how it's done. Some people will be OK with it, but even they
will notice. and some people will be offended or even just a
little put off. That's not really the vibe you want."
28 * $30 = $840. Add 20% tip: $1,008.
So, if they're going to make everyone else pay for their own
meal in order to save $1,100 or so, this couple is going to want
to be sure they don't spend money on anything else for a long
time. Some of those people won't care much, but others really
will.
The "cover your plate" idea is in a lot of people's heads, and
it means they don't expect to have to pay you for the meal,
because they are giving you a gift that should "reimburse" you
for your hospitality.
If they give a gift that's worth $70, and you also make them
pay for their two meals, some of them are going to be more than
a little upset.
Maybe another parallel: if you charge for the food and drink at
a housewarming party, where people give gifts. Or if you have a
potluck but you also send people a link to a registry.
#Post#: 49960--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: wolfie Date: April 9, 2020, 9:48 am
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1670.msg49953#msg49953
date=1586441857]
[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1670.msg49919#msg49919
date=1586402112]
[quote author=holly firestorm link=topic=1670.msg49915#msg49915
date=1586400168]
It's not so much my friends being rude, just more that they are
rather naive when it comes to this kind of etiquette.
[/quote]
Which is why you need to let them know their plan is rude. Just
because they don't know something doesn't mean they can't learn.
You'd be doing them a kindness.
[/quote]
You don't have to use the word "rude"; you can say "it's not
done," or you can say it will look bad, especially since people
are giving them gifts. It's not a birthday gathering, which
sometimes IS a situation in which everyone pays for their own
meals and part of the birthday person's. In those situations,
many people don't give a gift beyond pitching in for the
birthday person's meal. And even those situations are iffy.
You can say things like, "It's a wedding, and that's just not
how it's done. Some people will be OK with it, but even they
will notice. and some people will be offended or even just a
little put off. That's not really the vibe you want."
28 * $30 = $840. Add 20% tip: $1,008.
So, if they're going to make everyone else pay for their own
meal in order to save $1,100 or so, this couple is going to want
to be sure they don't spend money on anything else for a long
time. Some of those people won't care much, but others really
will.
The "cover your plate" idea is in a lot of people's heads, and
it means they don't expect to have to pay you for the meal,
because they are giving you a gift that should "reimburse" you
for your hospitality.
If they give a gift that's worth $70, and you also make them
pay for their two meals, some of them are going to be more than
a little upset.
Maybe another parallel: if you charge for the food and drink at
a housewarming party, where people give gifts. Or if you have a
potluck but you also send people a link to a registry.
[/quote]
If they let everyone know ahead of time then they should not be
in cover your plate mentality and give a gift that they are okay
with. or they might figure that being there is gift enough and
not give one at all.
I know that it would have to be a very very good friend for me
to go to travel to a wedding and pay for my own (not very good)
meal. most likely I would just decline to go.
#Post#: 49961--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: TootsNYC Date: April 9, 2020, 10:00 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Well, with only 28 people on the list, these are going to be
their closest circle
I'd only travel if it were someone important to me. And if I
knew I were going to be buying my dinner, I'd scale back my gift
some. I'd probably consider the meal to be part of my gift to
them, the way I'd think of it on a birthday.
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