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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 49802--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Hmmm Date: April 7, 2020, 2:56 pm
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[quote author=holly firestorm link=topic=1670.msg49788#msg49788
date=1586278855]
Well, it's really no where near 100 guests. The chapel holds 65
and it will almost definitely be fewer than that. (I just used
"<100 as a nice round figure.") My impression is that a few
close friends and family will have to fly or drive in and spend
the night and the others live close enough to have the option to
either day trip or stay the night.
The hotel is Circus Circus, which I really hate. So, I have
another question. As MOH am I required to stay in the same hotel
or can I stay in one nearby? As MOH I'm pretty sure I'll have to
opt for the whole meal (although the Bride says she'll pay). I
don't know how the food will be at that particular restaurant,
but, I do know their buffet kind of sucked.
[/quote]
I do not think you have to stay at the hotel where the event is
happening. I would just opt for a place that make getting to
their hotel easy.
I really am struggling with the idea that the B&G expect to have
guests come to their event but not host anything. In your
position, I would suggest to them they host at a minimum
cocktails and light bites after the wedding reception. They can
then informally indicate there is a "no host" dinner being
planned.
If they really can't afford any type of hosting, then I don't
think they formally invite guests to the wedding. They can
though indicate they would love if people chose to attend. They
can't really do a formal invitation to the wedding ceremony if
you are not offering any type of post ceremony hosting. However,
they can inform their friends and family they are welcome to
attend if they would like. Something like "Dear friends and
family, John and Sue will be marrying on Saturday Oct 9th at the
Circus Circus in Las Vegas. We would love to host a reception
for all of our friends and family, it just is not possible.
However, if you would like to come out and join us, our wedding
ceremony will be held at the Circus Circus Chapel at 2pm. We
will be coordinating a "no host" diner at Circus Circus
restaurant for anyone who chooses to attend."
#Post#: 49803--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Gellchom Date: April 7, 2020, 3:02 pm
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[quote author=gramma dishes link=topic=1670.msg49795#msg49795
date=1586285431]
[quote author=holly firestorm link=topic=1670.msg49788#msg49788
date=1586278855]
... As MOH am I required to stay in the same hotel or can I
stay in one nearby? As MOH I'm pretty sure I'll have to opt for
the whole meal (although the Bride says she'll pay). I don't
know how the food will be at that particular restaurant, but, I
do know their buffet kind of sucked.
[/quote]
What whole meal? For yourself or for everybody? I'm so
confused.
[/quote]
I think she means a full dinner for herself, as opposed to just
getting a drink or a snack or dessert.
holly firestorm, I think you are making unnecessary problems for
yourself with all this "as MOH" stuff. You really aren't in a
different position from any other guest with regard to most of
these things. You need to be at the rehearsal and of course the
ceremony, and you probably should be available to help the bride
and her family, as opposed to, say, going off sightseeing during
the days, certainly shortly before the wedding. But you don't
need to be on 24-hour call, so stay wherever you like, as long
as you can be where you might be needed during the days and
evenings. Ditto meals; what difference does it make what you
eat or don't eat, if you are paying for it yourself? Are you
worried that if you only get, say, a salad, that they will take
it as a criticism of their pay-you-own-way plan?
I completely agree with Hmmm, but it sounds like the bride and
groom already understand what's wrong with their plan, and they
just don't care. So there's no point in trying to change their
minds. But I also don't think it's holly firestorm's
responsibility to try to spin it for them. Whatever they say
will just be lipstick on a pig, because it isn't the wording
that's the issue, it's the selfishness and complete lack of
hospitality. They are presumably spending some money on this,
having their wedding at a Las Vegas resort and casino -- they
just are spending all of it only on what pleases them, not a
nickel on anything for their guests' entertainment and comfort.
#Post#: 49806--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: NFPwife Date: April 7, 2020, 3:33 pm
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I'm sure she expects you to stay at the same hotel, but... I'm
wondering if there's a way to say, "Oh, I have a free night at
such and such" and stay there? All the hotels are so close that
you're right next door if you don't stay at Circus Circus. (My
preference would be to go off strip to the M Resort and Spa, but
I don't think you can politely do that.)
#Post#: 49807--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: HenrysMom Date: April 7, 2020, 3:40 pm
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I think you can find a much nicer hotel in close proximity to
Circus Circus (never stayed there, but I’ve been to the one in
Reno - yuck). You can just tell the B&G that you found a great
deal on a hotel room at the Bellagio, Venetian or somewhere.
The hotels are all cheek by jowl anyway, so if you stay
elsewhere it’s not going to matter much time wise. Or perhaps
not tell them at all unless asked? They will have enough of
their own business going on, so as long as you’re in place when
they need you, they may not notice.
#Post#: 49809--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Rose Red Date: April 7, 2020, 4:17 pm
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You don't have to stay in the same hotel. The Vegas strip is
relatively small that it won't make much difference.
I understand what you mean about Circus Circus. It seems more
geared towards families with children and looks kind of run down
and cheesy even by Vegas standards. My opinion only. I haven't
been to Vegas in years though so don't know if they upgraded.
#Post#: 49815--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: MiriamCatriona Date: April 7, 2020, 5:05 pm
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1670.msg49782#msg49782
date=1586266251]Let's not assume this is all on the bride. Very
well could be groom driven and bride is trying to figure out how
to make him happy while also making family happy that they get
to attend the wedding. Or it could be both of their
ideas.[/quote]
You are absolutely correct that this falls on both the bride and
groom. HollyFirestorm's posts have focused on her friendship
and conversations with the bride, but of course both partners
are responsible for their actions.
#Post#: 49883--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Twik Date: April 8, 2020, 2:56 pm
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I think the best thing would be a cake and juice to pass around,
followed by someone saying (on secret cue from B&G) "Hey, why
don't we go down to the buffet and grab a real meal? Who's up
for that?"
#Post#: 49900--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Gellchom Date: April 8, 2020, 6:42 pm
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[quote author=Twik link=topic=1670.msg49883#msg49883
date=1586375793]
I think the best thing would be a cake and juice to pass around,
followed by someone saying (on secret cue from B&G) "Hey, why
don't we go down to the buffet and grab a real meal? Who's up
for that?"
[/quote]
That wouldn't work -- you can't just walk into any restaurant,
buffet or not, with 60 some people and expect to be seated
together.
I think that the guests would see right through it instantly,
too. And what if someone then says, "No, that buffet didn't
look good to me/is too expensive/was really crowded -- let's go
somewhere else"?
Honestly, I just don't know how you can invite people to a
destination wedding and not even give them one meal. It's not
just the time and expense the guests are going to (in addition
to their gifts); it's also that the couple is clearly able to
spend some money -- they are traveling, paying for hotels,
restaurant meals, etc. So they are prioritizing their own
desires over being hospitable to their guests.
You don't have to go into debt: it can be pizza or sandwiches
and soda, no liquor, no flowers.
Presumably, this couple could afford that. But they want an
expensive restaurant meal for their reception. They just don't
want to pay for it (or use their wedding gifts to pay for it).
They want to make their guests pay for it.
I find that screamingly rude. If you expect people to feel
close enough to you to attend a destination wedding, then you
ought to feel close enough to them to give them at the bare
minimum a simple meal.
#Post#: 49903--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Bada Date: April 8, 2020, 7:39 pm
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[quote author=Gellchom link=topic=1670.msg49900#msg49900
date=1586389352]
[snip]
Honestly, I just don't know how you can invite people to a
destination wedding and not even give them one meal. It's not
just the time and expense the guests are going to (in addition
to their gifts); it's also that the couple is clearly able to
spend some money -- they are traveling, paying for hotels,
restaurant meals, etc. So they are prioritizing their own
desires over being hospitable to their guests.
You don't have to go into debt: it can be pizza or sandwiches
and soda, no liquor, no flowers.
Presumably, this couple could afford that. But they want an
expensive restaurant meal for their reception. They just don't
want to pay for it (or use their wedding gifts to pay for it).
They want to make their guests pay for it.
I find that screamingly rude. If you expect people to feel
close enough to you to attend a destination wedding, then you
ought to feel close enough to them to give them at the bare
minimum a simple meal.
[/quote]
Holly said it's only a "destination wedding" for some people
(Reply 28):
[quote]My impression is that a few close friends and family will
have to fly or drive in and spend the night and the others live
close enough to have the option to either day trip or stay the
night. [/quote]
She has also said the dinner will only be $30 per person, so
they aren't looking for an "expensive restaurant meal", though
they are looking for a full restaurant meal rather than
compromising on something lesser.
I don't agree with the plan overall, but I do think we need to
be sure we're complaining about the ACTUAL plan, rather than our
unintentionally misguided ideas about what the plan is.
#Post#: 49915--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: holly firestorm Date: April 8, 2020, 9:42 pm
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You have all been tremendously helpful. Of course, right now I
can't look into any alternatives as far as where we can eat
(other than that infamous dinner) and where I can get a room I
prefer to Circus Circus.
It's not so much my friends being rude, just more that they are
rather naive when it comes to this kind of etiquette. So, I
might point out to my friend the next time I see her that a
"No-Host" wedding reception is virtually unheard of in most
circles and it might cause some friction between the couple and
some of the guests. But, I'll definitely back off other than
that.
I also ran across this, "Bridesmaids. In most situations,
bridesmaids pay for their own dresses, including shoes and
jewelry. The financial responsibility doesn’t stop there;
bridesmaids also help foot the bill for the bridal shower
(although the maid of honor may assume most of the cost) and
pitch in for the bachelorette festivities." So, I think I will
definitely insist on a dress I like, although I'll try to make
sure the bride likes it, too. And, especially considering the
frugality of the B&G, I will NOT be spending $100> for a dress
I'll probably only wear once and then hang it in my closet until
I finally give it to Goodwill.
You've also made me realize that if the B&G are not paying for
their reception, I will certainly not be obliged to host a
bachelorette party. If there's any question by the Bride, I'll
just give her the same reason she has. Also, my tendency, in
this situation, would be to over-extend myself when it comes to
a gift. Now, although I will still give them a gift, it will be
what I can afford without 'undue sacrifice.'
You've all been such a help! Thank you again. I'll be sure to
add to this thread whenever I have anymore questions about this.
(I've been to a lot of weddings in my life, but, not been a MOH
before.)
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