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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 49748--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: holly firestorm Date: April 6, 2020, 1:42 pm
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[quote author=HenrysMom link=topic=1670.msg49709#msg49709
date=1586133634]
I think it’s going to leave a bad taste in people’s mouths if
the B&G tell 100+ people to pay for their own meals, especially
since the hotel will insist on a fixed menu. It’s just tacky to
expect people to pay for something that they may or may not have
wanted to order on their own bat. There’s just no good way to
say this or to pull it off without appearing as cheap and tacky.
They could go the option of forgetting about a hotel dinner, and
sound out their immediate families to have a “potluck” dinner at
the church hall. By “potluck” I mean dishes prepared by the
bride and groom and their immediate families, and not to ask
those outside the families or those coming from hour(s) away.
Years ago, that’s how weddings were done at the church I grew up
at, and no one thought anything of it. There were also punch
and cake receptions there as well, but not scheduled at
mealtimes.
[/quote]
It's not at a church. It's at the hotel chapel. In Vegas,
nowhere near anyplace the Bride and Groom can host a 'church
potluck.' Now, I'm not a fan of Las Vegas and I hate the hotel
they picked. (They probably picked it because it was the most
economical.) I'm not even happy that the bride wants me to spend
money (either hers or mine) on a full length gown that I will
probably never wear again. (I'm going to look in vintage stores
when the Coronademic is over.) But, I figure, this isn't about
me, it's about them. So, I'll go along with what they want.
The Bride didn't ask me to write the invitation, just come up
with some wording options. If you look at the link I sent,
which I also sent to my friend, it has some opinions that state,
like the opinions here, just no way to do it without being tacky
&/or rude. So, it's up to them as to what they do. They are,
btw, furnishing cake and beverage to toast.
But, I do thank everyone for their advice about this. I've
learned a little something myself. If anyone does think of
something, let me know.
#Post#: 49749--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: TootsNYC Date: April 6, 2020, 1:56 pm
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Do they live in Las Vegas? I'm guessing not.
I suppose the only thing they could do is to write to everyone
and say, "We're getting married in a hotel chapel in Las Vegas,
but we can't afford to host anyone. If you'd like to come see us
get married, and can afford the trip, we'd love to have you. We
could all go to the same restaurant for dinner after."
But they can't invite people to a wedding that's out of town and
not host some sort of gathering on their own dime. I am not
upset by being B-listed, and I don't need some sort of fancy
meal. But if I paid to fly to Vegas and get a hotel room, AND I
had to buy my own meal at "the" reception, I wouldn't be happy.
Maybe they need to pare down their list to about 20 people and
figure out how to come up with a dinner they can afford.
But yeah, you're in a tough spot. This is grossly unfair of her
to dump the "find the wording for what I want to do" on you.
If you don't want to tell her that this is likely to offend
people, I'd tell her you looked and couldn't find anything, and
dump this back in HER lap, where it belongs.
Tell her to ask some of the aunts in the family (in the groom's
family too) what they would suggest. They've been through all
the social cycles of the families, so they must have
ideas--right? They're the "family experts."
#Post#: 49757--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: MiriamCatriona Date: April 6, 2020, 3:32 pm
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"Friend, I've been thinking and thinking about your dilemma with
wording the invitations. I even asked for advice on an
etiquette message board, but the unanimous opinion there was
that there's no good way to say your guests will have to pay
because it's just not a polite thing to do. All they could
offer was that you'll need to cut the guest list down to what
you can afford and/or come up with a cheaper option than a hotel
dinner. I'm worried that you'll insult or offend some people
who are important to you if you go through with asking them to
pay for the reception. I know you were really hoping for the
big, fancy wedding but maybe I can help brainstorm some
alternatives that would fit better in your budget?"
#Post#: 49758--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: holly firestorm Date: April 6, 2020, 3:47 pm
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It's definitely NOT a big, fancy wedding, just not an elopement.
As per my post just previous to yours, I already forwarded the
information from the other site to my friend which included
plenty of 100% negative opinions. My BFF is a grown woman and
her fiance is a grown man. Next time I speak to her I will
probably mention that a lot of people find this a complete
etiquette faux pas. I don't think most of the people they are
inviting are sticklers for the Emily Post way to do things.
Most of the people will understand the couple's financial
situation as well as their own and make their decision
accordingly and since she is my best friend and has had my back
in difficult situations, I will back her whatever she decides.
Another thing I would look for a suggestion about, does anyone
know Las Vegas well? They have already decided to have this
dinner at the hotel in a relatively low cost restaurant (Under
$30 with one beverage). However, if you know Vegas well I would
love to get some ideas on reasonable places to go for lunch the
afternoon before and brunch the day after that have better
quality than McDonalds (for 3x the price, too).
#Post#: 49761--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Gellchom Date: April 6, 2020, 4:03 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Maybe you don't have to answer this question at all, at least
not more than you have already done. You wrote that she asked
you, "as MOH," to help with this wording, but I don't really
know what that means; what's the difference between asking you
"as MOH" and just asking your opinion as her friend?
It makes a big difference in my eyes, because if she just asked
your opinion, she's probably asking other people, too, and you
can relax; it's not your problem. You already gave her some
info, and that's plenty. But if she is somehow communicating
that this is your job as MOH, then I think she is not being fair
to you, and I go back to my original advice.
If you do say something more, I vote for the less is more
approach most others have suggested. "Sorry, I just can't come
up with anything."
It sounds like they already know how rude this is, especially
for a destination wedding. Good cow. Why don't they take their
own hotel, airfare, and meal costs and do an inexpensive wedding
in their home town instead? You can feed a lot of people cake
and coffee, or pizza and beer, for a lot less than that would
cost. Or else just go to Las Vegas alone or with only as many
people as you can afford to feed.
If they don't register for gifts and indirectly let the word get
out that they prefer cash, they can use their wedding gifts to
pay for a simple meal for everyone. Most people who feel close
enough to you to travel for your wedding and can afford to do so
will probably give you a gift large enough to cover a restaurant
meal.
This is not just a question of "being a stickler for Emily Post
etiquette." That's just the kind of thing people say when they
know they are being very rude, and want to recast it as "not
stuffy." We aren't talking about which fork to use or how the
processional should be arranged. We are talking about
consideration and hospitality. To ask people to attend a
destination wedding and not even feed them a simple meal or
snack is just outrageously rude.
It's the same for everyone: have the kind of wedding you can
afford to do, even if it's not the fantasy event you feel you
deserve. That may mean you have to trim either your guest list
or your plans or both -- in fact, that's the case for almost
everyone.
But what there is no decent way to do is to plan any kind of
reception you please and expect your guests to pay for it.
#Post#: 49764--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: MiriamCatriona Date: April 6, 2020, 6:00 pm
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I did read your posts. A destination wedding with a restaurant
reception for approaching 100 people is clearly significantly
more expensive than they can afford. Thus, they need to dial it
back. Whether it's a formal black tie occasion or something
considerably more laid back is irrelevant.
My point in posting the "script" I did is that, as her closest
friend, you should gently point out to her that she's being an
entitled bridezilla. Save her from herself. Kindly.
#Post#: 49771--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: wolfie Date: April 6, 2020, 8:47 pm
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[quote author=MiriamCatriona link=topic=1670.msg49764#msg49764
date=1586214044]
I did read your posts. A destination wedding with a restaurant
reception for approaching 100 people is clearly significantly
more expensive than they can afford. Thus, they need to dial it
back. Whether it's a formal black tie occasion or something
considerably more laid back is irrelevant.
My point in posting the "script" I did is that, as her closest
friend, you should gently point out to her that she's being an
entitled bridezilla. Save her from herself. Kindly.
[/quote]
There is no way that 100 people will fly to los vegas and attend
a wedding where they have to pay for everything. Their guest
list will be much much smaller then that. Destination weddings
are hard to begin with, throw in that you aren't even getting a
meal and it will not make people jump at the chance to go.
#Post#: 49782--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: Hmmm Date: April 7, 2020, 8:30 am
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[quote author=MiriamCatriona link=topic=1670.msg49764#msg49764
date=1586214044]
I did read your posts. A destination wedding with a restaurant
reception for approaching 100 people is clearly significantly
more expensive than they can afford. Thus, they need to dial it
back. Whether it's a formal black tie occasion or something
considerably more laid back is irrelevant.
My point in posting the "script" I did is that, as her closest
friend, you should gently point out to her that she's being an
entitled bridezilla. Save her from herself. Kindly.
[/quote]
Let's not assume this is all on the bride. Very well could be
groom driven and bride is trying to figure out how to make him
happy while also making family happy that they get to attend the
wedding. Or it could be both of their ideas.
OP, I am curious about how close most guests live to Las Vegas.
Is it a reasonable driving distance so many guests would see it
as a "weekend" get away (i.e. Los Angelas or Phoenix area) and
not a $1000 weekend hotel and airfare type expense? I'm just
curious if they really believe they'll get 100 guests or if it's
they want to invite a 100 guests but know great majority will
not attend a destination wedding?
#Post#: 49788--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: holly firestorm Date: April 7, 2020, 12:00 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Well, it's really no where near 100 guests. The chapel holds 65
and it will almost definitely be fewer than that. (I just used
"<100 as a nice round figure.") My impression is that a few
close friends and family will have to fly or drive in and spend
the night and the others live close enough to have the option to
either day trip or stay the night.
The hotel is Circus Circus, which I really hate. So, I have
another question. As MOH am I required to stay in the same hotel
or can I stay in one nearby? As MOH I'm pretty sure I'll have to
opt for the whole meal (although the Bride says she'll pay). I
don't know how the food will be at that particular restaurant,
but, I do know their buffet kind of sucked.
#Post#: 49795--------------------------------------------------
Re: When the Bride and Groom can't afford to pay for Everyone's
Dinner
By: gramma dishes Date: April 7, 2020, 1:50 pm
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[quote author=holly firestorm link=topic=1670.msg49788#msg49788
date=1586278855]
... As MOH am I required to stay in the same hotel or can I
stay in one nearby? As MOH I'm pretty sure I'll have to opt for
the whole meal (although the Bride says she'll pay). I don't
know how the food will be at that particular restaurant, but, I
do know their buffet kind of sucked.
[/quote]
What whole meal? For yourself or for everybody? I'm so
confused.
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