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#Post#: 48789--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Don't wear that outfit. I just had a baby."
DIR By: Aleko
Date: March 17, 2020, 3:04 am
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I'm 100% with Toots. Any new mum, however delighted with her
baby, may reasonably be wondering with dismay when, if ever, her
battered body will be able to fit into her nicest clothes again.
Also, more seriously, it's just sinking in that even if she
does, now she has this beloved burden she'll never be the
carefree young woman she was before. Given the enormous
emotional adjustments of new parenthood plus the hormonal
overload, I don't think anyone should blame her too much if
seeing her slim, carefree,
not-held-together-by-stitches-in-sensitive-places friend caused
her to voice some of all this distress to another friend in the
form of a complaint. But the best service a true friend can do
for a person under heavy emotional stress who lets slip an
unworthy remark about a third party is listen soothingly and
shut up about it, not pick it up and run straight to that person
and say 'You hurt Hannah!'.
#Post#: 48796--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Don't wear that outfit. I just had a baby."
DIR By: Jem
Date: March 17, 2020, 8:51 am
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--- Quote from: Aleko link ---
>
> I'm 100% with Toots. Any new mum, however delighted with her
baby, may reasonably be wondering with dismay when, if ever, her
battered body will be able to fit into her nicest clothes again.
Also, more seriously, it's just sinking in that even if she
does, now she has this beloved burden she'll never be the
carefree young woman she was before. Given the enormous
emotional adjustments of new parenthood plus the hormonal
overload, I don't think anyone should blame her too much if
seeing her slim, carefree,
not-held-together-by-stitches-in-sensitive-places friend caused
her to voice some of all this distress to another friend in the
form of a complaint. But the best service a true friend can do
for a person under heavy emotional stress who lets slip an
unworthy remark about a third party is listen soothingly and
shut up about it, not pick it up and run straight to that person
and say 'You hurt Hannah!'.
>
--- End Quote ---
Also, this is one of the (perhaps few) times when I think it
would be fair to say "Hannah was hurt" as opposed to "something
you did hurt Hannah." The slim, carefree,
not-held-together-by-stitches friend was not being these things
AT Hannah. She was just living her life.
#Post#: 49463--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Don't wear that outfit. I just had a baby."
DIR By: Victoria
Date: April 1, 2020, 9:30 am
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This is a great example of "Concern Trolling," where an
otherwise uninvolved person is just itching to be offended on
someone else's behalf and inserts themselves into the
conversation.
#Post#: 49481--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Don't wear that outfit. I just had a baby."
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: April 1, 2020, 12:44 pm
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--- Quote from: Jem link ---
>
> [quote author=Aleko link=topic=1655.msg48789#msg48789
date=1584432285]
> But the best service a true friend can do for a person under
heavy emotional stress who lets slip an unworthy remark about a
third party is listen soothingly and shut up about it, not pick
it up and run straight to that person and say 'You hurt
Hannah!'.
>
--- End Quote ---
Also, this is one of the (perhaps few) times when I think it
would be fair to say "Hannah was hurt" as opposed to "something
you did hurt Hannah." The slim, carefree,
not-held-together-by-stitches friend was not being these things
AT Hannah. She was just living her life.
[/quote]
I think in some situations, sharing Hannah's reaction with a
good friend--in a SHARING way, might result in the letter
writer's deciding to occasionally not wear "skinny" clothes when
she knows she's going to see Hannah, out of an abundance of
goodwill and caring. And that wouldn't be a bad thing.
But I don't think I'd pass on that thought at all, were I the
friend in the middle. Hannah deserves to not have her thoughts
broadcast to everyone who knows her.
#Post#: 49504--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Don't wear that outfit. I just had a baby."
DIR By: Victoria
Date: April 1, 2020, 4:44 pm
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--- Quote from: TootsNYC link ---
>
> [quote author=Jem link=topic=1655.msg48796#msg48796
date=1584453116]
> [quote author=Aleko link=topic=1655.msg48789#msg48789
date=1584432285]
> But the best service a true friend can do for a person under
heavy emotional stress who lets slip an unworthy remark about a
third party is listen soothingly and shut up about it, not pick
it up and run straight to that person and say 'You hurt
Hannah!'.
>
--- End Quote ---
Also, this is one of the (perhaps few) times when I think it
would be fair to say "Hannah was hurt" as opposed to "something
you did hurt Hannah." The slim, carefree,
not-held-together-by-stitches friend was not being these things
AT Hannah. She was just living her life.
[/quote]
I think in some situations, sharing Hannah's reaction with a
good friend--in a SHARING way, might result in the letter
writer's deciding to occasionally not wear "skinny" clothes when
she knows she's going to see Hannah, out of an abundance of
goodwill and caring. And that wouldn't be a bad thing.
But I don't think I'd pass on that thought at all, were I the
friend in the middle. Hannah deserves to not have her thoughts
broadcast to everyone who knows her.
[/quote]
I personally think it would be a bad thing. I've noticed a
general trend of people attempting to foist the management of
their feelings onto other people, and attempting to cater to
Hannah in this way would be feeding into that. Hannah's allowed
to feel how she feels, but I don't think anyone else should be
encouraged to expend the mental bandwidth to dress themselves
accordingly.
(Edited for grammar.)
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