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#Post#: 48073--------------------------------------------------
duplicate gifts?
By: Rho Date: February 29, 2020, 10:27 pm
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This issue has been resolved but no matter what I decided I
would have 'lost' and felt guilty.
B.G. Some years ago husband gifted me with a Top of the Line
knife set including 12 steak knives and scissors all in a wood
holder that sits on my kitchen counter in a handy place. Not
for a minute have I wished the set had more or different pieces.
They have never needed sharpening (!) and gasp--are dishwasher
safe.
Last summer our son was visiting from out of town. He is here
less than one week per year 8~( He is the type of person who
enjoys the latest and greatest of anything. He ment SO well---
for my birthday 2 months ago he sent me a new set of Top of the
Line knives with a scissors in a wood holder to sit on the
kitchen counter. In his mind the set husband gifted me was
'old'. In my mind it has many years of good life left to it
and there was no need to replace it. Yes bad Mom returned the
gift from Son to big box store for a credit. But good wife
didn't get rid of gift from husband.
What would YOU have done?
#Post#: 48079--------------------------------------------------
Re: duplicate gifts?
By: Aleko Date: March 1, 2020, 2:22 am
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Basically, your options were: (1) take your husband's long-ago
gift to the thrift shop and start using your son's new gift; (2)
put one of the two sets in a cupboard to gather dust forever,
and use the other; (3) take your son's gift back to the store
and use the credit to buy yourself something you will use with
pleasure, and that will remind you of his generosity whenever
you do.
In your place I'd have done exactly the same thing. Even apart
from the old set also having been a gift from someone you love
just as much, to my mind there is pleasure and reassurance in
tools that one has used for years and are still totally fit for
their purpose; they have served one well and acquired a patina
in the process. I suspect you just might not have found the
shiny new set quite so comfortable in the hand, and regretted
the old. Keeping the duplicate set would be a waste of space and
money, and a source of regret every time you opened that
cupboard came across it. No: I think (3) is the only right
course.
#Post#: 48082--------------------------------------------------
Re: duplicate gifts?
By: Effie Date: March 1, 2020, 12:25 pm
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Your response was by far the most practical, so no criticism
from me.
What I would have done: stored the new set and brought it out to
use when son visits. Just me.
#Post#: 48085--------------------------------------------------
Re: duplicate gifts?
By: DaDancingPsych Date: March 1, 2020, 2:24 pm
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I would have selected the set that I thought would best fit my
needs. It sounds like the one from husband is it. So yes, I
would have returned the other. DS's gift was quite thoughtful,
but he might not have realized how much you liked and were still
enjoying the original set. I probably wouldn't have told him
unless he asked.
#Post#: 48095--------------------------------------------------
Re: duplicate gifts?
By: jpcher Date: March 1, 2020, 7:00 pm
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[quote author=Effie link=topic=1646.msg48082#msg48082
date=1583087153]
Your response was by far the most practical, so no criticism
from me.
What I would have done: stored the new set and brought it out to
use when son visits. Just me.
[/quote]
Effie -- I completely agree with your first sentence.
The second sentence not so much (it's fine for you and that's
okay).
I remember an episode of Gilmore Girls (remember that show? ;))
where Emily was in a frantic panic pulling all sorts of stuff
out of storage. Stuff that her MIL gifted to her and Emily
strongly felt that she simply must have everything on display
even though it was ugly and not to Emily's taste at all.
Start with a knife set. Next bday son might think something else
of OP's needs updating. Snowball starts rolling. Where does it
end?
Being upfront and honest at the onset is the way to go.
[quote author=DaDancingPsych link=topic=1646.msg48085#msg48085
date=1583094240]
I would have selected the set that I thought would best fit my
needs. It sounds like the one from husband is it. So yes, I
would have returned the other. DS's gift was quite thoughtful,
but he might not have realized how much you liked and were still
enjoying the original set. I probably wouldn't have told him
unless he asked.
[/quote]
But son will visit again and see the old set still in use and
not the shiny new and improved set he gifted to OP. Kerfuffle
ensues. Sigh.
[quote author=Rho link=topic=1646.msg48073#msg48073
date=1583036847]
This issue has been resolved but no matter what I decided I
would have 'lost' and felt guilty.
[/quote]
Rho -- Put a positive spin on it. No need to feel guilty!
If you haven't already done so, please talk to son and let him
know what a wonderful gift it was and that you truly appreciate
his thoughtfulness. Then tell him (don't apologize!) that you
returned the item for (reasons) and bought X. Go on to tell him
how much you love X, reasons why (I've always wanted one!) and
thank him again for thinking of you on your bday.
#Post#: 48122--------------------------------------------------
Re: duplicate gifts?
By: lowspark Date: March 2, 2020, 11:39 am
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First of all, I don't think you're a bad mom.
Everyone, at one time or another, gives a gift that doesn't go
over as well as intended. Everyone. It happens. My guess is that
your son just didn't know what to get you so he thought "hey,
Mom loves that knife set so I'll get her the new and improved
version!"
Now that you've returned it, I would use the credit to buy
yourself something that costs about the same price. Maybe a
splurge on something you wouldn't normally buy for yourself but
would love to have. Then you explain it to son.
Tell him what a thoughtful gift the knives were but that the old
ones were still in such good shape you didn't have the heart to
dispose of them, and that you bought [other item] with the money
and are super happy about that!
By the way, I think that the fact that your husband bought you
the first set is a red herring. Regardless of who bought that
set, the fact is that it's still good and it's a shame to get
rid of it.
#Post#: 48123--------------------------------------------------
Re: duplicate gifts?
By: lowspark Date: March 2, 2020, 11:42 am
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As a side note, I know that my kids always struggled on what to
get me for a gift. Even though I always told them not to bother
because I already have (or can and do easily buy) what I want.
So they got me some gifts that were misses. It happens.
Till they got me a subscription to Netflix one year. I was
thrilled! I told them right then and there, don't ever get me
another gift, just maintain the subscription and I would be
happy.
Moms are not easy to buy for. ;D
#Post#: 48131--------------------------------------------------
Re: duplicate gifts?
By: TootsNYC Date: March 2, 2020, 1:59 pm
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[quote author=lowspark link=topic=1646.msg48122#msg48122
date=1583170770]
First of all, I don't think you're a bad mom.
Everyone, at one time or another, gives a gift that doesn't go
over as well as intended. Everyone. It happens. My guess is that
your son just didn't know what to get you so he thought "hey,
Mom loves that knife set so I'll get her the new and improved
version!"
Now that you've returned it, I would use the credit to buy
yourself something that costs about the same price. Maybe a
splurge on something you wouldn't normally buy for yourself but
would love to have. Then you explain it to son.
Tell him what a thoughtful gift the knives were but that the old
ones were still in such good shape you didn't have the heart to
dispose of them, and that you bought [other item] with the money
and are super happy about that!
By the way, I think that the fact that your husband bought you
the first set is a red herring. Regardless of who bought that
set, the fact is that it's still good and it's a shame to get
rid of it.
[/quote]
I was given two identical coffee makers for my bridal shower. I
returned one and wrote a thank you note to its giver, thanking
her for the knife sharpener. "'But I didn't get you a knife
sharpener!' I know you are saying. And indeed you did not.
However, as you remember, you were one of the people who gave me
the two identical coffee makers. So, since you indicated that I
should return it, I did so, and I bought a knife sharpener. And
I will think of you every time I use it." One of my more
successful thank-you notes; she thought it was hysterical.
#Post#: 48132--------------------------------------------------
Re: duplicate gifts?
By: BeagleMommy Date: March 2, 2020, 2:55 pm
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You did nothing wrong returning the knife set from your son.
The set from your husband is still in good condition and you
like it.
#Post#: 48139--------------------------------------------------
Re: duplicate gifts?
By: OnyxBird Date: March 2, 2020, 3:35 pm
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I think it was absolutely the right choice to keep the old one
you like rather than replacing it out of a sense of obligation.
Reasonable adults understand that not every gift will be a
success, and that there's nothing wrong with not liking a gift
as long as the receiver is polite about it (polite as in not
rubbing the failure in the giver's face, not as in feeling
obligated to keep and use the gift just because it was given).
Giving a new version of something the recipient already has and
likes is a risk trade-off: it's "safer" in the sense of knowing
the recipient likes the item, but it's "riskier" if you don't
know that they actually need or want a replacement or duplicate
item.
When I was a teen, my grandparents came to visit and very kindly
bought a nice new [small kitchen appliance] to replace the
battered old one we had. The battered old [appliance] worked
fine, but was cosmetically damaged. E.g., a main control was
missing its plastic handle and had to be moved with a bit of
wooden dowel instead, etc. My mother was fine with the old
[appliance], but got rid of it and replaced it with the new one
to avoid rejecting the nice gesture...And years later, she still
regrets getting rid of the old one because the new one has
significant shortcomings for the way we use it (think along the
lines of a new Keurig machine that's technically more "advanced"
than the old...but its cup spot won't accommodate the tall
travel mugs we use most often, so it's just a minor
inconvenience to use every time).
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