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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 50008--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: TootsNYC Date: April 9, 2020, 3:44 pm
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My advice to them would be to write that thank-you note now.
Some people, like you, wouldn't much care, but others might have
that thought niggling in the back of their mind.
Why have that happen on your happy day? And if you thank them
before, then at the reception, they'll talk about it--and
you--in a happy way. Which will make you look good!
#Post#: 50037--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: Chez Miriam Date: April 10, 2020, 7:22 am
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I sent a gift [that I could barely afford it was not the
recipients' problem] for a wedding that...
Never actually happened, as such: the couple did all of it,
apart from marriage ceremony itself - dress/tuxedo, limousine,
flowers, reception, dancing till late.
I did not receive a thank-you note, nor the offer of the
gift/money back [did it through a department store registry].
When the couple finally did tie the knot, >20 years later, I
felt no need to buy a (second) present.
Had they thanked me the first time around [or offered to get my
money back (by returning the item to the store); which I
wouldn't have accepted], I most certainly would have got them a
second gift [even if just a decent token] for the 'real' wedding
- i.e. the one that contained a marriage, even though that one
didn't have a party.
It's like the poster upthread saying that TYNs may help prompt
future generosity; it's not the reason to do them, but if
self-interest is all that matters, they still serve a purpose!
#Post#: 50041--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: Aleko Date: April 10, 2020, 8:54 am
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[quote]A wedding that never ... Actually happened, as
such[/quote]
How come? Did they intend to marry but change their minds and
decide just to live together? Or break up before the wedding but
decide to go ahead with the party anyway since it was already
paid for? Or announce it as a 'wedding' although all along they
didn't actually mean to tie the legal knot?
Doesn't make any difference to the rudeness and ingratitude of
not thanking for presents, but I'm just intrigued!
#Post#: 50050--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: Chez Miriam Date: April 10, 2020, 11:01 am
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1643.msg50041#msg50041
date=1586526853]
[quote]A wedding that never ... Actually happened, as
such[/quote]
How come? Did they intend to marry but change their minds and
decide just to live together? Or break up before the wedding but
decide to go ahead with the party anyway since it was already
paid for? Or announce it as a 'wedding' although all along they
didn't actually mean to tie the legal knot?
Doesn't make any difference to the rudeness and ingratitude of
not thanking for presents, but I'm just intrigued!
[/quote]
They'd been living together a long time [nearly ten years?],
decided to get married, arranged and paid for it all, and the
night before were having a chat and decided they weren't ready
yet. Then, because it was the next day and all the out of
towners were in town for the wedding/reception, they got all
dressed up nicely, cancelled the registrar and had the limo
drive them around a bit longer till they went to the venue and
announced to all gathered that the marriage wasn't happening but
the party was: "we're happy as we are, please eat and drink all
the lovely food/beverages, and dance with us".
A mere 20-or-so years later, apparently they were ready, and got
married in Australia with friends as witnesses and had a small
party out there and several gatherings with friends/family when
they got back.
TL;DR: they fully intended to marry, but got very-last-minute
cold feet, partied hard, then went back to living together for
another couple of decades before tying the knot for real. :D
#Post#: 50065--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: jpcher Date: April 10, 2020, 2:41 pm
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Off topic -- what does TL;DR: mean? I've seen it several times.
#Post#: 50067--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: STiG Date: April 10, 2020, 3:01 pm
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Too long, didn't read
#Post#: 50071--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: TootsNYC Date: April 10, 2020, 3:17 pm
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[quote author=STiG link=topic=1643.msg50067#msg50067
date=1586548896]
Too long, didn't read
[/quote]
It's used to mean "here's the short version"
#Post#: 50100--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: Gellchom Date: April 12, 2020, 9:48 am
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This was in the New York Times “Social Q’s” column today.
HTML https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/09/style/coronavirus-unemployment-financial-help.html?searchResultPosition=1
(I am quoting this excerpt, because I understand it can be
hard to access the Times website, except for coronavirus
stories, if you are not a subscriber. If this is a violation of
our rules, please remove this post.)
***
New Date T.B.D.
Thanks to Covid-19, we must reschedule our daughter’s bat
mitzvah that was set for early May. Invitations have already
gone out, and we’ve received some R.S.V.P.’s and our daughter
has gotten some checks in the mail. We decided not to do a Zoom
event, but we haven’t finalized the new date yet. When we do,
we’ll send out new invitations. But what should we do in the
meantime about people who’ve already R.S.V.P.’d or sent checks?
ANONYMOUS
I’m sorry for your daughter — and for you, too. Have faith,
though! Your proud moment (and your daughter’s super fun party)
will come eventually. Still, I’d hold off on making new
arrangements until we know more about the course of this virus.
Better to avoid the double-whammy of having to cancel the same
event twice.
Email all invitees to notify them of the postponement. (They may
be waiting to hear from you.) Tell them you’ll send new
invitations when it’s safe to plan again. Then ask your daughter
to send thank-you notes to those who gave checks. Offering to
return them seems like a cruel formality to me. But she can do
that, if you prefer. And give her lots of space to talk about
her disappointment. She’s entitled to it!
***
#Post#: 52012--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note? - Update #38
By: Gellchom Date: May 19, 2020, 9:32 pm
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We got an email from our cousin that the wedding, originally in
June and rescheduled for August, has been postponed again.
This time they said that the wedding will be in 2021, and that
they are "shooting for" June 12, 2021.
I feel so sorry for them. What a disappointment.
I do think that they should not be giving a THIRD date, more
than a year in the future, especially because it's not at all
definite, but it isn't like anyone has to do anything about it,
so it's not a problem.
It does look kind of weird to keep pushing back a wedding for
which TWO invitations have already been sent. I know they must
be excited about the wedding they planned, but in their shoes, I
would just get married already and have the big reception in the
future (I would think that the convention of not calling it a
"wedding reception" if it is long after the wedding would be
suspended under the circumstances); I would think that everyone
would still come. I know I would.
People do sometimes put off their marriages for a couple of
years to save up for a wedding. But once the wedding has
already been set -- twice -- and then postponed -- twice -- even
where, as here, it is due to circumstances entirely beyond their
control, it just seems to me to be a little too much emphasis on
the celebration and not enough on beginning their marriage.
She's such a down to earth woman, and so are her parents, so I
would totally have guessed wrong on this. Whatever they do, I'm
thrilled for them and will be there if we can (by next June we
will probably be living overseas, so it might be harder).
Anyway, back to my original question: NOW what should they do
about those thank you notes?
The invitation came in February, so that's when I sent my gift,
and I presume others already did, too. I don't know whether
they had Zola (or the merchants; I don't know how it works)
deliver some or all of the gifts people ordered. I do know that
Zola says they notify them when someone buys a gift. As I wrote
above, I don't think that receipt of the actual gift matters
anyway: you are thanking someone for giving you a gift, which
they already did, whether or not you instructed the merchant to
store it for you (which the giver doesn't even know). So as far
as the giver is concerned, you have gotten your gift from them.
At this point I don't think that there is any question: they
should thank people for the gifts they have received/been
notified about without further delay. Presumably they were
waiting until after the wedding (which, as I wrote above, I
think is wrong anyway; the thank you note isn't about the
wedding, irrespective of whether you also include "so glad/sorry
you could/couldn't/can/can't join us"). But if they do that
now, it means that some people won't be thanked for almost a
year and a half -- at least -- after sending a gift. That just
can't be okay, even given the weird circumstances.
This would be another benefit of getting married now and having
the reception later.
#Post#: 52019--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: jpcher Date: May 20, 2020, 4:33 am
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I'm beginning to think that TYs are passé because I've been to
two baby showers and one wedding in the past year (all involved
were under 30 years old) and did not receive one TY note.
Okay, at the showers there were hugs and "TY for coming and the
wonderful gift!" so I guess that's somewhat of a recognition.
For the wedding? A sizable check . . . and crickets. Nada.
Nothing.
Gellchom -- I hate to say it, but in my recent experience, I
don't think you'll ever receive a Thank You note, no matter when
the wedding takes place.
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