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#Post#: 47977--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: TootsNYC Date: February 27, 2020, 10:15 am
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Thanks for the book info.
I should have qualified by timing--I stopped reading new
etiquette books when I switched jobs, which was before the 6th
edition came out.
I think that's a pretty new idea.
I wouldn't say you shouldn't do it, and I'd probably say that
most people will actually expect some mention of it.
#Post#: 47996--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: bopper Date: February 27, 2020, 1:53 pm
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I would say after I receive the actual gift.
1) What if I don't receive it?
2) What if it is damaged?
3) What if the wedding is called off?
It would be weird to say "I thanked you for the gift...but it
turns out I never received it."
#Post#: 47997--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: TootsNYC Date: February 27, 2020, 2:13 pm
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[quote author=bopper link=topic=1643.msg47996#msg47996
date=1582833215]
I would say after I receive the actual gift.
1) What if I don't receive it?
2) What if it is damaged?
3) What if the wedding is called off?
It would be weird to say "I thanked you for the gift...but it
turns out I never received it."
[/quote]
In this case, if you don't receive it, you contact the registry
service and ask them what's up. Because you have a relationship
with that company (in a traditional situation, you might not).
If it's damaged, you handle the return yourself with the
registry service/store that you contracted with.
If the wedding is called off, you arrange with the service to
send it back.
#Post#: 48005--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: Gellchom Date: February 27, 2020, 8:06 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1643.msg47997#msg47997
date=1582834438]
[quote author=bopper link=topic=1643.msg47996#msg47996
date=1582833215]
I would say after I receive the actual gift.
1) What if I don't receive it?
2) What if it is damaged?
3) What if the wedding is called off?
It would be weird to say "I thanked you for the gift...but it
turns out I never received it."
[/quote]
In this case, if you don't receive it, you contact the registry
service and ask them what's up. Because you have a relationship
with that company (in a traditional situation, you might not).
If it's damaged, you handle the return yourself with the
registry service/store that you contracted with.
If the wedding is called off, you arrange with the service to
send it back.
[/quote]
I agree. If the gift doesn’t arrive or is damaged, that’s
between you and Zola. Meanwhile, the giver sent you something,
and you know it (and they know that you know). It was your
decision to delay shipment, not the giver’s; you’re just having
the merchant store it for you temporarily.
If the wedding is called off, you do what you’d do anyway:
return the gift. If the gift hasn’t been delivered yet, maybe
you could ask the company to refund the giver’s money. The
possibility of a wedding being called off is why you’re not
supposed to use the gifts before the wedding, not a reason not
to thank the giver promptly.
#Post#: 49713--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: Gellchom Date: April 5, 2020, 8:41 pm
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Well, well! How the times have played a hand in viewing this
question.
I have not received a thank you note for the gift. I don't
care, although I'm not especially impressed -- I still think the
right thing to do is to write promptly upon notice, even if you
have asked the company not to deliver yet.
(As an aside, it occurs to me: I have no idea whether they had
it delivered already or have asked the company to wait. So if
you are counting on your guests to understand that you are
waiting to receive the actual gift, don't bet on it, because
they don't know that you haven't.)
Anyway, I am not mad at my cousin (I forgot all about it, in
fact). The reason I am writing is, as you have probably
guessed, that there is a very good chance that this wedding is
not going to happen in June because of the pandemic. I haven't
heard anything about canceling or postponing, probably because
they are going to wait a little while yet to see if it will be
possible to have it as planned in June. That's what I would do;
for our part, we haven't cancelled our hotel reservations yet,
because although the odds aren't good, there's still a chance,
so no need to decide yet.
But let's say that they decide either to postpone the wedding
they'd planned, or just cancel it and get married privately with
just an officiant standing 6 feet away (there was such a wedding
reported in the NYT this morning) or something. I still want
them to have the gift, of course, even if the plans change to
something that doesn't include us -- it's for the marriage, not
for the wedding.
Now what do they do about writing thank you notes? I can only
imagine how stressful it would be to write them now; they are
surely going nuts trying to figure out what to do about the
wedding, and they couldn't really write about the gift without
saying SOMETHING about the wedding plans now to people who all
are waiting to know, but what could they say? But if they put
the wedding off for an indeterminate time, maybe in the fall or
next year, that's getting awfully long to wait to write. Now
I'm glad that I sent my gift early and Zola notified them that I
did! My part in this is over.
It would surely seem awkward to wait until after the wedding to
thank people if the plans change so that those people are no
longer invited. It's okay to make those plans, it just would
make writing those notes tricky.
So to me, this situation underscores that the date of the
wedding itself is completely irrelevant to when the note should
be written. If the gift comes shortly before the wedding, no
big deal if you wait until after (although I still wouldn't --
it's still nice to be prompt, and anyway, you'll be glad later
that you wrote as many as you could before it became a
mountain). But if the gift -- or the notification -- comes many
weeks or even months before, write promptly.
I am sure that my poor cousin must be wishing that they'd
already written their notes and not have it hanging over her
like this.
She must even be wondering if they need to send the gifts back,
or at least offer to, if they cancel the wedding. I know I
wouldn't want them to, and I imagine that will be true of all
the guests, but it probably would be gracious to offer. What
would you do?
#Post#: 49779--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: lowspark Date: April 7, 2020, 8:07 am
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Even if they cancel the wedding, as in, cancel the ceremony and
associated celebrations, I imagine they will still get married.
And I can't imagine someone who has given a gift for that
wanting the gift back. So yeah... they could offer, but if I
were one of the people who had already sent a gift, I'd actually
think it was overkill.
This situation is so unique and difficult, the last thing I
would expect, or want, if a couple has to cancel a wedding, is
for them to fret about gifts.
#Post#: 49780--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: Hmmm Date: April 7, 2020, 8:23 am
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I don't see it as tricky at all.
No matter what they decide to do, they'll need to communicate to
all guests, not just the ones who have sent out gifts in
advance.
In their shoes, once I sent this communication, I would start
sending out thank you's, if I haven't already, for any gifts
that have already been purchased.
If they do delay the wedding, I doubt the stores would hold on
to the merchandise for many months so it's not like they would
be delaying receipt of the gift.
I also do not think they should offer to return the gift. As you
said, the gift is for the marriage not for attending a fancy
event.
I am curious why you send out gifts months in advance. I usually
don't send the gift until at least the invitation is received
which is usually 6 to 8 weeks prior to the wedding. Of course, I
often know about the weddings from safe the dates and
communications about hotel arrangements. But I always figure
that until the invites go out, the plans could actually change.
#Post#: 49783--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: TootsNYC Date: April 7, 2020, 9:45 am
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such a good point about how not doing the thank-you note right
away can end up with you in a situation that is suddenly tricky.
I think that if the wedding is simply postponed, or is way toned
down, no mention of returning of gifts should arise by anyone.
It's only if the marriage never takes place that they are
returned, according to traditional etiquette.
(and this is part of why so many people just bring them to the
wedding itself--that and convenience)
#Post#: 49801--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: Gellchom Date: April 7, 2020, 2:52 pm
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1643.msg49780#msg49780
date=1586265820]
I am curious why you send out gifts months in advance. I usually
don't send the gift until at least the invitation is received
which is usually 6 to 8 weeks prior to the wedding. Of course, I
often know about the weddings from safe the dates and
communications about hotel arrangements. But I always figure
that until the invites go out, the plans could actually change.
[/quote]
That's when the invitation came! I don't know why they sent
them so early. Maybe just to the out of town people, although
they had already sent save the date magnets.
I often send my gift as soon as I get the invitation. Then I
don't forget, and, if I want to choose my gift from the
registry, I have more choice. I make a note on the invitation
on my freezer of what I sent, though, because the down side of
doing it so early is that I don't remember if I sent something
or not, especially if there are a few weddings in the works.
I agree, they don't have to offer to return the gifts if they
end up un-inviting the guests, I just think that it's something
some people might do just to be extra gracious. But I would be
very surprised if a single person agreed to it!
#Post#: 49990--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
By: Gellchom Date: April 9, 2020, 12:55 pm
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I just got an email that they have moved the wedding to August
1. The guest list and arrangements have not changed.
I hope that won't be too soon, but we will just have to see.
What a mess; no one can really say for sure that they will be
able to come then.
But back to the original, very minor question: what do you think
that they should do now about the thank you notes for gifts
received, or the notification of which were received, back in
the winter? What if they have to change their plans yet again?
I am assuming that they have asked Zola or the merchants or
whoever does it to hold shipping for some reason, although I'm
not sure why -- I don't think that they are moving. But I
really don't know; they may have received the gifts right away.
I know of one couple (and there are probably more) that I sent a
gift directly to months before the wedding (also upon receipt of
a very early invitation) who, according to the bride's mother,
who seemed pretty embarrassed about it, had simply decided not
to write to thank anyone until after the wedding. I don't know
what their reasoning was.
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