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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 47930--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
DIR By: VorFemme
Date: February 26, 2020, 11:56 am
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Before you forget what they gave you and mislay their address,
i.e. "Sooner rather than later"!
#Post#: 47931--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: February 26, 2020, 12:02 pm
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--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
>
> Other's wait and do it after the wedding so they can include
things like "It was wonderful to see you at the wedding. It
meant so much to us that you came. Joe and i will enjoy crystal
vase for years to come. Joe has already brought me a bouquet
that I was excited to display in the vase." or "We know you were
unable to attend the wedding but so appreciate you sending the
gift of the stainless place setting. Hopefully we'll be able to
entertain you soon for dinner."
>
>
--- End Quote ---
Do you know that not a single etiquette book gives examples of
thank-you notes for gifts that include any text about seeing
them at the wedding or thanking them for coming?
Maybe that's because they believe notes are properly written
promptly--Miss Manners will allow you the time to walk across
the room to get a pen and stationery, if I recall right.
And of course, they may expect all gifts to be sent in
advance, so of course you wouldn't be able to say anything about
seeing them there.
#Post#: 47936--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
DIR By: Gellchom
Date: February 26, 2020, 1:41 pm
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I'll weigh in on my own question now --
I think that the recipient should write the note as promptly as
possible after being notified. It's the same principle as any
thank you note: you express your appreciation as quickly as you
can. I have been mildly unimpressed when I gave gifts months
before the wedding and never heard a word until after the
wedding. The wedding date really isn't even relevant: they gave
you a gift, you got it. This also serves the purpose of letting
the giver know that the gift (or in this case the notification)
was received. The point is, the focus is on THEIR feelings.
With all due respect to those who waited until after the wedding
(and presumably at least two more weeks for printing) so that
they could include a photo on or in the card -- I wouldn't do
that for gifts received substantially in advance. Like, if your
wedding is in September, and you receive a gift in June, don't
make the givers wait that long. (For gifts received just a week
or two before the wedding, it's not a big deal.) But including
a picture isn't important enough to outweigh the primary purpose
of a thank you note: to show enthusiastic gratitude for the
gift. Putting that off for months just so that you can include
a photo of yourselves doesn't serve that.
I was really surprised to see that the "Practical Wedding" site
includes the misinformation that you have a year to write your
thank you notes. Plenty of commenters took her to task on that
one! I am guessing that this all too common belief is based on
a misunderstanding of the etiquette rule that wedding guests
have a year after the wedding to GIVE a gift promptly.
Similarly, perhaps the idea that you wait until after the
wedding to write thank you notes even for gifts received way
before the wedding day is confusion over the rule that you
aren't supposed to USE the gifts until after the wedding.
As for including "We were so happy/sorry you could/couldn't join
us at our wedding," although it isn't required, I would do that
if I were writing after the wedding anyway, but I wouldn't put
it off just for that. You just say it, and pretty much all the
things Hmmm put in her post, in the future tense. I like
including things in thank you notes that aren't just about you
and the gift; it shows you think of the giver as a person you
value, not just the giver of a gift you value. So I always
include that, and, if I can, something else about THEIR lives --
"Have a great time on your trip," "Pat Fluffy for me" or "We
know your roses will be the pride of the neighborhood again this
year" -- like that.
I think it is really, really risky to write notes to people from
whom no gift has been received (yet! some always come later)
just thanking them for attending, though. No matter how you say
it, and no matter how sincere your motives, there is no way that
it won't come across as a nudge to send a gift, or at least make
the recipient wonder if it is. If I got a note like that, I'd
probably be on the phone immediately saying "Your gift is on the
way! I'm still crocheting it/It was out of stock, but it should
arrive soon." Because the convention is that guests write to
thank hosts for hospitality, not the other way around, doing
this always looks like it has an unfortunate subtext. You don't
want to risk your guests' feeling like they are being called out
for not ponying up faster.
There seems to be no end to rationalizations for putting off
writing thank you notes! And of course around a wedding, there
are so many gifts, and so much going on, that of course you
can't write them all as quickly as you could for, say, your
birthday; even Miss Manners admits that.
But the principle is the same: you write them as promptly as you
possibly can. You want the person who was nice enough to give
you a gift to know that expressing your appreciation to them is
a top priority and a pleasure, not a chore.
#Post#: 47939--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
DIR By: lowspark
Date: February 26, 2020, 1:57 pm
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--- Quote from: gramma dishes link ---
>
> [quote author=lowspark link=topic=1643.msg47919#msg47919
date=1582729595]
> I vote for as soon as you're notified. The giver has sent the
gift as far as they are concerned. Whether the middle man, so to
speak, sends it now or later, is not something that the giver
should even have to care about.
>
> It's like if the giver sent the gift to the address of the
bride's parents. The couple might not take possession of the
gift till after the wedding, so the gift might be sitting at the
parents' house for a couple of months. But the couple still
needs to thank the giver soon after the arrival of the gift at
the parents' house.
>
> I believe the same applies in this case.
>
--- End Quote ---
But if the gift is at the home of the bride's parents, the
parents will at the very least have notified the couple so they
know something actually arrived. They may have even opened the
gift there and left it until after the wedding. So the giver
knows it arrived safely.
In the other instance though, the giver would have no idea
whether the actual gift actually ever arrived if you sent the
thank you note upon receipt of the notice.
[/quote]
Although often times we assign the purpose of a thank you note
as a notification to the giver that the gift arrived safely,
that is not, first and foremost, its purpose.
The purpose of a thank you note is for the recipient to thank
the giver of the gift. Full stop.
If its purpose was to notify the giver of its safe arrival, then
no TY note would ever need to be sent for a gift at a shower,
where the recipient normally opens the gift before the giver's
very eyes. Now, I realize that some people advocate that as long
as the recipient thanks the giver in person at that time, no TY
note is then needed.
However, traditionally, a TY note is sent as a formal way of
thanking the giver.
So... in the OP's question, the TY note's purpose is to thank
the giver for sending a gift. Whether the recipient chooses to
have it delivered immediately, a month from now, or never, is
immaterial.
Anyway, that's how I see it. :)
#Post#: 47943--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
DIR By: Runningstar
Date: February 26, 2020, 3:07 pm
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I'm still in the middle, after received - whether that falls
before or after the wedding, but not upon notice. I'm getting
the feeling that there are now three times being looked at,
notice, receipt of gift, and event the gift is for.
#Post#: 47944--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: February 26, 2020, 3:41 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Runningstar link ---
>
> I'm still in the middle, after received - whether that falls
before or after the wedding, but not upon notice. I'm getting
the feeling that there are now three times being looked at,
notice, receipt of gift, and event the gift is for.
>
--- End Quote ---
well, "receipt of gift" comes in two waves, to me.
Getting a notice from the store is a form of receipt of GIFT
from the giver.
Later, it's the receipt of the OBJECT from the store. So even if
I sent a note then, it would be more about letting them know it
had arrived and less about thanking them. (though I'd surely say
thank you anyway)
And there is no need to write a thank-you note for the event the
gift is for, on its own.
You'd only include it if there is some specific thing.
I'm w/ Gellchom on the "don't write a thank-you-for-coming to
guests in general, but especially not to guests who haven't
given you a gift. And no etiquette book suggests you thank
people for attending.
But I've always found it interesting that an invitation
requests "the honor of your presence," which indicates that the
guest is doing you a honor by attending, and that seems
thank-able.
#Post#: 47947--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
DIR By: Gellchom
Date: February 26, 2020, 4:18 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Runningstar link ---
>
> I'm still in the middle, after received - whether that falls
before or after the wedding, but not upon notice. I'm getting
the feeling that there are now three times being looked at,
notice, receipt of gift, and event the gift is for.
>
--- End Quote ---
The date of the event is really irrelevant, when you think about
it. The note is a response to the gift, not the event. And for
that matter, the gift is really for the marriage, not the
wedding (like a birthday gift is for the birthday, not the
party).
As between notice and receipt, I think it depends upon how far
apart the two are, and why*. If the registry or a store for
some reason sends a notice to someone that a gift is on its way
to them, and it won't be long, then I think it's fine to wait
until it comes. But if it's going to be months, I wouldn't
wait. To use this wedding as an example, the wedding is in
June, and I sent the gift in February, right after receiving the
invitation. If for some reason they don't want gifts before the
wedding -- or maybe even much later, like if they are going to
be moving or something -- I don't think that they should wait
all that time before thanking the givers.
*I added "why," because Lowspark made a really good point, too,
for situations like Zola:
--- Quote ---
> Whether the recipient chooses to have it delivered
immediately, a month from now, or never, is immaterial.
--- End Quote ---
That was a click -- the reason for the gap between notice and
delivery is the recipient's choice (not like a back order or
something). The gift has been purchased for them, and they know
it, and there's nothing more that the giver can do about it.
It's not all that different than if they put it into storage.
So in this situation, I think that the notification "starts the
clock" on a prompt thank you note.
#Post#: 47954--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
DIR By: STiG
Date: February 26, 2020, 6:41 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I agree with Gellchom: Write the TYN when you get the
notification if the delay is due to the recipient's choice.
Then, when the gift is received, I'd send a quick email/text/FB
message to say that it arrived and it's lovely.
However, if you are notified that the gift has been ordered but
shipping is delayed due to a vendor issue, wait until the gift
is received.
A friend of mine had major issues with getting her photo TYN
cards to send out. They were very late so her notes didn't go
out until 3-4 months after the wedding. It stressed her out and
I knew it would stress me out so I didn't choose to have them
done.
#Post#: 47956--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
DIR By: QueenFaninCA
Date: February 26, 2020, 7:46 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: vintagegal link ---
>
> [quote author=QueenFaninCA link=topic=1643.msg47895#msg47895
date=1582671248]
> We sent all our Thank You cards after the wedding. We had
Thank You cards printed with a photo of us from our wedding.
>
--- End Quote ---
I hope you wrote on them and signed them, and sent them
yourselves. I received a pre-printed, unsigned photo card from
one HC, mailed by the printing company, with generic language
about "thank you for the token...". I was gobsmacked.
[/quote]
Of course we wrote personal messages on each of them. We simply
used a card that had a picture from our wedding printed on it
instead of a generic Thank You card.
#Post#: 47972--------------------------------------------------
Re: When should you write the thank you note?
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: February 27, 2020, 8:53 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: TootsNYC link ---
>
> [quote author=Hmmm link=topic=1643.msg47926#msg47926
date=1582737547]
>
> Other's wait and do it after the wedding so they can include
things like "It was wonderful to see you at the wedding. It
meant so much to us that you came. Joe and i will enjoy crystal
vase for years to come. Joe has already brought me a bouquet
that I was excited to display in the vase." or "We know you were
unable to attend the wedding but so appreciate you sending the
gift of the stainless place setting. Hopefully we'll be able to
entertain you soon for dinner."
>
>
--- End Quote ---
Do you know that not a single etiquette book gives examples of
thank-you notes for gifts that include any text about seeing
them at the wedding or thanking them for coming?
Maybe that's because they believe notes are properly written
promptly--Miss Manners will allow you the time to walk across
the room to get a pen and stationery, if I recall right.
And of course, they may expect all gifts to be sent in
advance, so of course you wouldn't be able to say anything about
seeing them there.
[/quote]
Excerpt from Emily Post Wedding Etiquette 6th Edition by Anna &
Lizzie Post. See Thanks for the Money example. I'm also pretty
sure my old Emily Post book had a similar example of
personalizing by mentioning attendance at the wedding. But my
memory could be wrong.
But there is at least one etiquette book that gives an example.
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