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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 47748--------------------------------------------------
"It's your fault..."
DIR By: shadowfox79
Date: February 22, 2020, 1:24 am
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I am a romance writer in my spare time. This was mentioned when
I went out with friends earlier this week as I have just had a
new short story accepted, and one of them asked me if I had got
rid of my "stalker" yet.
For background, a few years ago I had an article about my
writing published in Mensa magazine (which is where I know these
friends from). Shortly afterwards a Mensa member started sending
me dirty emails, so I blocked him. I did mention this to my
friends at the time but it was easily resolved so I didn't think
much of it.
When my friend asked me this, I said that I had blocked him.
Another friend (who is about 20 years older than me, if that
matters) then airily commented "Oh well, it's your own fault for
putting provocative photos in the magazine!"
I pointed out that the photos had not been provocative in the
slightest. I had submitted a couple of professional headshots of
me in a sundress and blue shrug, smiling. Hardly Playboy
material here. She conceded the point, but reiterated that it
was still my fault because I "looked nice" in the photos.
Seriously? Because I have photos I look nice in, any pervert is
allowed to send me dirty messages?
Another friend then told me that it was probably because he was
a Mensa member and therefore had no social skills. So my
question is - am I supposed to give a pass to people for this
sort of thing? I should add that my writer's email is in
everything I have had published and no reader has ever sent me
anything like that.
#Post#: 47752--------------------------------------------------
Re: "It's your fault..."
DIR By: Jem
Date: February 22, 2020, 4:23 am
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Nah, even if you did publish provocative photos, unless you also
published an invitation to contact you about non-writing matters
it is out of line for someone to do so. Blocking him and moving
on was the right thing to do.
#Post#: 47753--------------------------------------------------
Re: "It's your fault..."
DIR By: AliciaLynette
Date: February 22, 2020, 4:43 am
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Just here to say that this Another friend then told me that it
was probably because he was a Mensa member and therefore had no
social skills
is insulting!!
I'm a Mensa member*, as is most of my family, and the majority
of Mensans I know would find the idea of sending dirty emails
because you had included a couple of nice photos in an article
utterly mindboggling!
*Actually, technically, I'm not currently a paying member,
because it costs too much. But I do attend a local Mensa
group's once-a-month meal, and while some members can go on a
bit about their pet subjects, on the whole we're just normal
people!
#Post#: 47754--------------------------------------------------
Re: "It's your fault..."
DIR By: shadowfox79
Date: February 22, 2020, 4:45 am
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--- Quote from: AliciaLynette link ---
>
> Just here to say that this Another friend then told me that it
was probably because he was a Mensa member and therefore had no
social skills
> is insulting!!
> I'm a Mensa member*, as is most of my family, and the majority
of Mensans I know would find the idea of sending dirty emails
because you had included a couple of nice photos in an article
utterly mindboggling!
>
> *Actually, technically, I'm not currently a paying member,
because it costs too much. But I do attend a local Mensa
group's once-a-month meal, and while some members can go on a
bit about their pet subjects, on the whole we're just normal
people!
>
--- End Quote ---
I agree on that score - as a Mensa member I don't consider
myself to have no social skills. It is true that a lot of the
members I've met are introverted, but that's not the same thing
at all.
#Post#: 47755--------------------------------------------------
Re: "It's your fault..."
DIR By: shadowfox79
Date: February 22, 2020, 4:47 am
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--- Quote from: Jem link ---
>
> Nah, even if you did publish provocative photos, unless you
also published an invitation to contact you about non-writing
matters it is out of line for someone to do so. Blocking him and
moving on was the right thing to do.
>
--- End Quote ---
He probably would have claimed it was about writing matters,
considering some of the questions were about if I get excited
when I write love scenes, for instance.
#Post#: 47756--------------------------------------------------
Re: "It's your fault..."
DIR By: Dazi
Date: February 22, 2020, 6:34 am
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Even if you were stark naked in those pictures, it doesn't make
it okay for him to send you dirty messages.
Only he is responsible for his behavior and actions, so he needs
to learn there are consequences to said actions.
#Post#: 47758--------------------------------------------------
Re: "It's your fault..."
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: February 22, 2020, 7:46 am
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Blaming the victim with "It's the way you dress. You shouldn't
look nice. That's just an invitation." Wow. That's as old as the
hills and she's still brainwashed into believing it. Women have
been fighting it since at least the 70's ( probably longer) and
the fight still continues :(.
Also, it's not because of social skills. I won't diagnose, but
stalkers have issues that have nothing to do with being an
awkward nerd.*
* Not trying to be insulting. I'm an awkward nerd myself.
#Post#: 47760--------------------------------------------------
Re: "It's your fault..."
DIR By: jpcher
Date: February 22, 2020, 9:07 am
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--- Quote from: shadowfox79 link ---
> So my question is - am I supposed to give a pass to people for
this sort of thing? I should add that my writer's email is in
everything I have had published and no reader has ever sent me
anything like that.
>
--- End Quote ---
My answer to your question is NO!
I don't know that I would consider him a stalker because the
messages have been stopped by you blocking him. But you know his
name so if anything feels the least bit hinky about his behavior
(do you know him in person?) or if you receive additional
messages/phone calls and the like I think you should contact the
police simply to have your complaint on record.
#Post#: 47771--------------------------------------------------
Re: "It's your fault..."
DIR By: pierrotlunaire0
Date: February 22, 2020, 1:36 pm
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--- Quote from: Rose Red link ---
>
> Blaming the victim with "It's the way you dress. You shouldn't
look nice. That's just an invitation." Wow. That's as old as the
hills and she's still brainwashed into believing it. Women have
been fighting it since at least the 70's ( probably longer) and
the fight still continues :(.
>
> Also, it's not because of social skills. I won't diagnose, but
stalkers have issues that have nothing to do with being an
awkward nerd.*
>
> * Not trying to be insulting. I'm an awkward nerd myself.
>
--- End Quote ---
Totally agree with this.
#Post#: 47772--------------------------------------------------
Re: "It's your fault..."
DIR By: Luci
Date: February 22, 2020, 1:49 pm
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DH and I play a game in which we make anything we did wrong the
other's fault with wacky excuses like this. I don’t think that
is what is intended here, sadly.
This is stupid. Just ignore. In other words, give him a pass
unless you feel threatened.
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