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#Post#: 47805--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
DIR By: Surly
Date: February 23, 2020, 5:08 pm
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I'm not seeing niece as snotty/rude here at all.
Maybe for #1, she was speaking too loudly, but she didn't
realize it, or didn't realize that she was upsetting your
daughter. I've certainly teased my little sister about how
babysitting her ruined my social life! When family asks you to
babysit, it's often understood to be a requirement (plus, OP,
her parents may have told her it was mandatory, even if you
tried to make it clear it was optional). I'd cut her some slack
here if she's not generally a mean person.
For #2, getting her hair done 1/2 hour before the party may not
have worked -- sometimes, guests come early, or you're trying to
get things ready. I'd find it stressful to be trying to fit in
the hair appointment that close to the start. It sounds
perfectly reasonable that she went with someone else, and I
wouldn't take any insult in it.
It sounds like maybe your daughter is upset that your niece
doesn't come to the salon anymore, and is reading a lot into
their interactions?
#Post#: 47807--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
DIR By: Sycorax
Date: February 23, 2020, 5:57 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: PVZFan link ---
>
> [quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1641.msg47768#msg47768
date=1582398525]
> [quote author=surlyrat link=topic=1641.msg47767#msg47767
date=1582398012]
> I think 2 weekends a month sounds like a lot, actually,
especially as a teenager. I don't see what the problem is with
her saying that?
>
--- End Quote ---
The problem was saying it to the clients and coworkers at the
salon. I would feel uncomfortable listening and being addressed
to that way. Of course I go to chains and have never experienced
salons like they show on tv and movies so YMMV.
[/quote]
I'm with you on the chains - the one I've been going to lately
is a Japanese franchise that promotes their expedient service.
The stylists barely speak at all and the majority of the other
customers are men. (It's a uni-sex barbershop, I've only seen
one other woman there.)
[/quote]
When I was looking for a new stylist, I was visiting all of the
salons in town. At one of them there was so much loud negative
discussion between the stylists (and possibly the customers, I
don't remember), it was extremely off-putting.
#Post#: 47808--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
DIR By: chigger
Date: February 23, 2020, 6:11 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: surlyrat link ---
>
> [quote author=chigger link=topic=1641.msg47780#msg47780
date=1582410876]
> [quote author=jpcher link=topic=1641.msg47727#msg47727
date=1582325998]
> I have a couple of etiquette questions from my DD#2. We had a
nice chat last night and both questions concern my Niece.
>
> 1. Niece used to go to DD#2's salon to get her hair done.
Remarked on what a wonderful job, etc. Niece has since moved 1+
hour drive away and doesn't come in any more. Perfectly
understandable.
>
> During the last visit Niece made to DD#2's salon she spoke
loudly and was addressing comments to other clients and stylists
about how she was DD#2 (and DD#1)'s babysitter while she was
growing up. Went on to say how she never had a weekend to
herself because the adults (me, LDH, SIL, BIL) would get
together and depend on her to watch the kids and that's why she
didn't have many friends through her HS years.
>
> WHAT! Not true. I always asked her in advance if she would be
available to watch the DDs. The adults would get together maybe
once or twice a month for a day road trip (motorcycles) or an
evening out.
>
> Okay. I get it. Maybe she was over used as a babysitter. But I
remember the DDs being so excited about spending time with
Niece. Yay! Niece always said "We'll have so much fun!" and was
enthusiastic whenever I asked her to babysit. I paid her well
for her time and always told her how much I appreciated the care
that she gave my DDs.
>
> When DD#2 told me what Niece said to her stylists and
customers I cringed and thought "Wow. Was I an abusive aunt?"
>
> I basically told DD#2 that at least she's not coming into your
shop any more. Just write it off and let it go. I think Niece
was rather rude.
>
> Do you have any thoughts on this situation?
>
>
>
> 2. Niece is having a baby shower coming up in a few weeks.
Niece called DD#2 and asked her if she could do her hair before
the baby shower. DD#2 said that she has plans/reservations with
me and DD#1 for brunch before the shower but we could probably
show up 1/2 hour earlier than the shower starts. DD#2 said
(knowing Niece's hair) that she's confident that 1/2 hour will
be enough time. Plus DD#2 was willing to do Niece's hair for no
charge.
>
> Niece said (according to DD#2 in a snotty type voice) Oh, no,
that won't work. I guess I'll have to find somebody else.
>
> I told DD#2 that Niece can do whatever she wants to do with
her hair, if she wants somebody else? That's no concern of
yours. But DD#2 feels bad that she can't do Niece's hair due to
prior plans. (DD#1, for those that don't know, lives in far away
state and is coming in for just the weekend. So it's not like we
can spend quality time, just the three of us, as a usual thing.)
>
>
>
> I'd really like to know your thoughts on both of these
situations.
>
>
> Thanks in advance.
>
--- End Quote ---
Once or twice a month sitting with your daughters, and she's
going to act like she was there every day? And be so bitchy as
to tell staff and clients that she had no life, because of it ?
Then she gets snotty with your younger daughter because she
can't do her hair (for free!) on Neice's timeline. I would
probably not go to the shower, and just back away. Unless, you
want to keep a relationship with her parents, then I might suck
it up, go to this one event, then have a prior engagement for
all other invitations. Your daughter should not feel bad at all!
[/quote]
Why do people always advocate for cutting off long term
relationships for a mildly negative interaction?
[/quote]
I don't see it as a mildly negative interaction, she came into
DD2's place of business (which DD2 is the owner of) and loudly
tells the employees and clients how she had no social life in
high school because of DD1 and DD2! She embarrassed her cousin
in front of her employees and clients! I would be mortified if
my family member did something like that. OP has assured us that
she did not take advantage of the niece.
I'm not saying cut her off, I would just dial way back. She
acted like a jackass, and that has consequences.
#Post#: 47810--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
DIR By: chigger
Date: February 23, 2020, 6:16 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Surly link ---
>
> I'm not seeing niece as snotty/rude here at all.
>
> Maybe for #1, she was speaking too loudly, but she didn't
realize it, or didn't realize that she was upsetting your
daughter. I've certainly teased my little sister about how
babysitting her ruined my social life! When family asks you to
babysit, it's often understood to be a requirement (plus, OP,
her parents may have told her it was mandatory, even if you
tried to make it clear it was optional). I'd cut her some slack
here if she's not generally a mean person.
>
> For #2, getting her hair done 1/2 hour before the party may
not have worked -- sometimes, guests come early, or you're
trying to get things ready. I'd find it stressful to be trying
to fit in the hair appointment that close to the start. It
sounds perfectly reasonable that she went with someone else, and
I wouldn't take any insult in it.
>
> It sounds like maybe your daughter is upset that your niece
doesn't come to the salon anymore, and is reading a lot into
their interactions?
>
--- End Quote ---
Daughter has no problem that cousin does not come into the salon
after moving an hour away.
#Post#: 47831--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
DIR By: lowspark
Date: February 24, 2020, 9:31 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I'm looking at #1 from the point of view of overhearing this as
a customer in the salon. I would be inclined to take it with a
grain of salt. People love to embellish and exaggerate stories
from their youth. I would have probably seen it as an attempt,
even if ill advised or badly executed, by Niece to tease DD.
And to be honest, it would color my opinion of Niece way more
than that of DD. So really, both DD and you need to let this one
go. Just forget about it as if it never happened. Make it so
that it didn't even register a blip on your radar.
For #2, Niece is the GOH at the shower, right? IOW, she's the
one having a baby? I would give her a huge pass on this.
Pregnancy wreaks havoc on your emotional state. Certainly, DD
hasn't anything to feel guilty about, but I can understand
Niece's disappointment manifesting itself in a not so nice way.
Unless this woman has a history of being rude or mean, I'd
forgive and forget both of these incidents post haste.
#Post#: 47835--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
DIR By: Hanna
Date: February 24, 2020, 10:26 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I would just ignore all of this. Any response seems likely to
result in an uncomfortable emotional exchange. She really sounds
like she was just running her mouth.
#Post#: 47841--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: February 24, 2020, 1:07 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Situation 1: I am not sure what niece's goals were. Maybe she
was making conversation with other patrons. Maybe she really
does feel used and abused. Either way, I agree with your advice
to forget about it. If she was still coming to the salon often
and saying such things, I might suggest that DD speak with her
and request that she not air family laundry at the salon. If
niece really has an issue as to how she was treated, she should
be addressing them directly with you or her mother.
Situation 2: Without any other back story, I wonder if tone was
misunderstood. Being disappointed might sound like being snotty.
It's totally possible that niece really wanted DD to do her hair
and was disappointed that it wasn't possible. DD sounds good, so
I would be disappointed, too! I would give her the benefit of
the doubt and let it go. DD should make sure to compliment
niece's hair and hopefully all will be good. Now if this
behavior continues, it might need addressed and/or DD may simply
never be available to assist her in the future.
#Post#: 47842--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
DIR By: lisastitch
Date: February 24, 2020, 1:33 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Isisnin link ---
>
> If Niece brings up situation No 1 again, you can address it in
a pleasant, confused tone:
>
> "Niece, that's not quite accurate. We only went out with your
parents no more than a couple times a month, if that. And we
always asked if you were free to babysit and if you did sit we
paid you the going rate."
>
> This way you clarify that she agreed, she was paid fairly, and
her parents knew about it.
>
--- End Quote ---
Minor quibble: I probably wouldn't say "that's not quite
accurate". i'd probably say something more along the lines of
"That's not quite how I remember it. I remember asking you if
you were free, and paying you the going rate, and my memory is
that we went out with your parents no more than a couple of
times a month".
Memories can be different, just as our experiences of an event
can be different, and the way one person remembers it can be
totally not the way another person remembers it. I'm surprised
by the way my siblings and I remember events from our shared
childhood!
Her memories are her memories, and you can't change someone's
memories any more than you can change their emotions. This just
says that your memories are different from hers.
#Post#: 47843--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: February 24, 2020, 1:47 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: chigger link ---
>
> [quote author=surlyrat link=topic=1641.msg47788#msg47788
date=1582431347]
> [quote author=chigger link=topic=1641.msg47780#msg47780
date=1582410876]
> [quote author=jpcher link=topic=1641.msg47727#msg47727
date=1582325998]
> I have a couple of etiquette questions from my DD#2. We had a
nice chat last night and both questions concern my Niece.
>
> 1. Niece used to go to DD#2's salon to get her hair done.
Remarked on what a wonderful job, etc. Niece has since moved 1+
hour drive away and doesn't come in any more. Perfectly
understandable.
>
> During the last visit Niece made to DD#2's salon she spoke
loudly and was addressing comments to other clients and stylists
about how she was DD#2 (and DD#1)'s babysitter while she was
growing up. Went on to say how she never had a weekend to
herself because the adults (me, LDH, SIL, BIL) would get
together and depend on her to watch the kids and that's why she
didn't have many friends through her HS years.
>
> WHAT! Not true. I always asked her in advance if she would be
available to watch the DDs. The adults would get together maybe
once or twice a month for a day road trip (motorcycles) or an
evening out.
>
> Okay. I get it. Maybe she was over used as a babysitter. But I
remember the DDs being so excited about spending time with
Niece. Yay! Niece always said "We'll have so much fun!" and was
enthusiastic whenever I asked her to babysit. I paid her well
for her time and always told her how much I appreciated the care
that she gave my DDs.
>
> When DD#2 told me what Niece said to her stylists and
customers I cringed and thought "Wow. Was I an abusive aunt?"
>
> I basically told DD#2 that at least she's not coming into your
shop any more. Just write it off and let it go. I think Niece
was rather rude.
>
> Do you have any thoughts on this situation?
>
>
>
> 2. Niece is having a baby shower coming up in a few weeks.
Niece called DD#2 and asked her if she could do her hair before
the baby shower. DD#2 said that she has plans/reservations with
me and DD#1 for brunch before the shower but we could probably
show up 1/2 hour earlier than the shower starts. DD#2 said
(knowing Niece's hair) that she's confident that 1/2 hour will
be enough time. Plus DD#2 was willing to do Niece's hair for no
charge.
>
> Niece said (according to DD#2 in a snotty type voice) Oh, no,
that won't work. I guess I'll have to find somebody else.
>
> I told DD#2 that Niece can do whatever she wants to do with
her hair, if she wants somebody else? That's no concern of
yours. But DD#2 feels bad that she can't do Niece's hair due to
prior plans. (DD#1, for those that don't know, lives in far away
state and is coming in for just the weekend. So it's not like we
can spend quality time, just the three of us, as a usual thing.)
>
>
>
> I'd really like to know your thoughts on both of these
situations.
>
>
> Thanks in advance.
>
--- End Quote ---
Once or twice a month sitting with your daughters, and she's
going to act like she was there every day? And be so bitchy as
to tell staff and clients that she had no life, because of it ?
Then she gets snotty with your younger daughter because she
can't do her hair (for free!) on Neice's timeline. I would
probably not go to the shower, and just back away. Unless, you
want to keep a relationship with her parents, then I might suck
it up, go to this one event, then have a prior engagement for
all other invitations. Your daughter should not feel bad at all!
[/quote]
Why do people always advocate for cutting off long term
relationships for a mildly negative interaction?
[/quote]
I don't see it as a mildly negative interaction, she came into
DD2's place of business (which DD2 is the owner of) and loudly
tells the employees and clients how she had no social life in
high school because of DD1 and DD2! She embarrassed her cousin
in front of her employees and clients! I would be mortified if
my family member did something like that. OP has assured us that
she did not take advantage of the niece.
I'm not saying cut her off, I would just dial way back. She
acted like a jackass, and that has consequences.
[/quote]
No, she relayed a story about how her parents and aunt "took
advantage" of her babysitting. OP's DD seems like a strong
competent woman. I can't imagine the DD would be "mortified" by
this type of banter.
And you stated you probably wouldn't go to the shower and back
away from the relationship. How is that not choosing to
significantly harm the cousins' relationship?
#Post#: 47854--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
DIR By: chigger
Date: February 24, 2020, 4:42 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
The cousin said "she never had a weekend to herself" and that is
why she didn't have many friends in high school. She is saying
this to her family members staff and clients! Yes, I would be
mortified, and I am a grown strong woman! As I have aged, I
don't have a whole lot of patience for people who rewrite
history to suit "their truth". Yes, I would probably send a
gift and not attend the shower, but that's me!
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