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#Post#: 47727--------------------------------------------------
Q&A from my DD#2. UPDATE #36, 42
By: jpcher Date: February 21, 2020, 4:59 pm
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I have a couple of etiquette questions from my DD#2. We had a
nice chat last night and both questions concern my Niece.
1. Niece used to go to DD#2's salon to get her hair done.
Remarked on what a wonderful job, etc. Niece has since moved 1+
hour drive away and doesn't come in any more. Perfectly
understandable.
During the last visit Niece made to DD#2's salon she spoke
loudly and was addressing comments to other clients and stylists
about how she was DD#2 (and DD#1)'s babysitter while she was
growing up. Went on to say how she never had a weekend to
herself because the adults (me, LDH, SIL, BIL) would get
together and depend on her to watch the kids and that's why she
didn't have many friends through her HS years.
WHAT! Not true. I always asked her in advance if she would be
available to watch the DDs. The adults would get together maybe
once or twice a month for a day road trip (motorcycles) or an
evening out.
Okay. I get it. Maybe she was over used as a babysitter. But I
remember the DDs being so excited about spending time with
Niece. Yay! Niece always said "We'll have so much fun!" and was
enthusiastic whenever I asked her to babysit. I paid her well
for her time and always told her how much I appreciated the care
that she gave my DDs.
When DD#2 told me what Niece said to her stylists and customers
I cringed and thought "Wow. Was I an abusive aunt?"
I basically told DD#2 that at least she's not coming into your
shop any more. Just write it off and let it go. I think Niece
was rather rude.
Do you have any thoughts on this situation?
2. Niece is having a baby shower coming up in a few weeks. Niece
called DD#2 and asked her if she could do her hair before the
baby shower. DD#2 said that she has plans/reservations with me
and DD#1 for brunch before the shower but we could probably show
up 1/2 hour earlier than the shower starts. DD#2 said (knowing
Niece's hair) that she's confident that 1/2 hour will be enough
time. Plus DD#2 was willing to do Niece's hair for no charge.
Niece said (according to DD#2 in a snotty type voice) Oh, no,
that won't work. I guess I'll have to find somebody else.
I told DD#2 that Niece can do whatever she wants to do with her
hair, if she wants somebody else? That's no concern of yours.
But DD#2 feels bad that she can't do Niece's hair due to prior
plans. (DD#1, for those that don't know, lives in far away state
and is coming in for just the weekend. So it's not like we can
spend quality time, just the three of us, as a usual thing.)
I'd really like to know your thoughts on both of these
situations.
Thanks in advance.
#Post#: 47728--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
By: lakey Date: February 21, 2020, 5:15 pm
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For situation #1, if Niece has resentments over whatever
happened during her high school years, she should not have
brought it up at a relative's place of business. If she felt the
need to complain, she should have complained to the people
involved. By the way, I had a similar situation where I had to
stay home and babysit my younger brothers and sister while my
mom and dad went out on Friday night. It was annoying, but I
still had friends, and other days and nights when I could do
social things.
Situation #2, she was offered a workable alternative and chose
not to take it. That's her choice.
Maybe she's stressed out with a baby coming, or maybe she's just
a little immature. I wouldn't lose any sleep over this stuff.
#Post#: 47729--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
By: Sycorax Date: February 21, 2020, 5:22 pm
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It's possible that she felt forced to babysit, even if you
didn't mean it that way. It also sounds like a lot of
babysitting to me. A couple of Saturdays a month can make a big
dent in someone's high school social life.
Niece just sounds bitchy to me, though.
#Post#: 47732--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
By: Rose Red Date: February 21, 2020, 6:24 pm
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Only knowing these two stories which means I don't know her as a
whole, so take that into consideration of my opinion. It sounds
like she enjoys being passive aggressive and playing victim.
Tell DD2 not to feel guilty because their schedules don't mesh
up. Life happens. This is why there are more than one
hairdresser in the world.
Don't feel guilty for the past either because you can't read
minds. You asked and paid her for babysitting. You didn't
demand. What else could you do except take her at her word back
then?
#Post#: 47733--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
By: TootsNYC Date: February 21, 2020, 6:50 pm
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[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1641.msg47732#msg47732
date=1582331054]
Tell DD2 not to feel guilty because their schedules don't mesh
up. Life happens. This is why there are more than one
hairdresser in the world.
[/quote]
Also make sure DD2 doesn't apologize or act apologetic. She
should cheerfully admire the other stylist's work, once she gets
there.
Your assessment in both situations is accurate, I think. And
therefore I think it would be a service to everyone if DD2 and
you modeled what the appropriate attitude toward this is: Oh,
too bad it didn't work out, but it doesn't mean anything
particular, and it's not a big problem.
#Post#: 47735--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
By: HenrysMom Date: February 21, 2020, 7:59 pm
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Sounds like Niece was being a passive-aggressive b**** to the
wrong person in making this about your DDs. If she had problems
with babysitting, she should have taken it to her own mother or
to you. Your DD2 is under no obligation to feel guilty about a
situation she had really no part in creating, nor not being able
to do Niece’s hair on short notice.
If you three attend her shower (which I would now be on the
fence about) and she starts up, you can shut it down, by saying
“Your time to say something is long past. You were asked, not
told, and were paid for your time, as I recall.” You can
choose to do this in front of the other attendees or in private,
depending on the situation.
#Post#: 47736--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
By: SioCat Date: February 21, 2020, 8:20 pm
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I don’t see Niece as rude at all. They could have been talking
about a few things that could have caused Niece to bring up the
babysitting. They could have been talking about teenage jobs,
babysitting in general, their relationship when DD was younger,
whatever...
If that’s her truth and how she remembers it, she’s not wrong.
The “snotty tone” that Niece used could have just been how DD
interpreted it. It didn’t work for her, so she made other
arrangements. She didn’t ask DD to change her schedule or come
earlier.
It’s probably a good thing that Niece is finding a new
hairdresser. I’d hate for mine to go back and discuss our
conversations with family.
#Post#: 47750--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
By: guest24 Date: February 22, 2020, 3:04 am
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The only "situation " is niece's total bi*chy-ness, which looks
to be permanent, considering that she is a good deal older than
your daughters. I wouldn't fuss too much about making it to the
Shower. If you want to give baby gifts, drop them by before the
Big Day. It will certainly be a Big Day for our charming
Mother-to-be.
#Post#: 47761--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
By: Isisnin Date: February 22, 2020, 9:38 am
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If Niece brings up situation No 1 again, you can address it in a
pleasant, confused tone:
"Niece, that's not quite accurate. We only went out with your
parents no more than a couple times a month, if that. And we
always asked if you were free to babysit and if you did sit we
paid you the going rate."
This way you clarify that she agreed, she was paid fairly, and
her parents knew about it.
Good she is moving an hour away. Your family won't have to deal
with her as much.
#Post#: 47764--------------------------------------------------
Re: Q&A from my DD#2
By: Hmmm Date: February 22, 2020, 11:00 am
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On situation 1, I don't see it as being a big deal at all. It's
not like DD's clients will think poorly of her. Salon's always
seem to be where stories get told. You're also hearing the story
relayed to you second hand so you don't know how much kidding
was going on with the telling of the story.
As far why Niece feels this way now, who knows. Maybe she's
revised her memory to blame her lack of social life on having to
babysit. Or maybe her parents were slightly coercive in
encouraging her to babysit so that the adults could have a day
out. If you'd like to bring it up with her, then you can. Just
say that DD had relayed that she felt that she'd been forced
into babysitting during her teen years and while you don't
remember it that way, you do apologize that she felt forced.
For 2, I definitely understand not wanting to wait til the last
1/2 hour to have her hair done. But she used the snotty voice
hoping DD would offer to move y'alls brunch a 1/2 hour earlier
so accommodate her request. But DD doesn't have to do that and
as Toot's said should drop the subject and act cheerful if it is
brought up again.
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