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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 47698--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
DIR By: Victoria
Date: February 21, 2020, 10:54 am
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--- Quote from: DaDancingPsych link ---
>
> I wonder how (if at all) anyone's opinion would have changed
if he returned back to the table with only one cake pop.
>
> I can see so many ways that this could have been a
misunderstanding. Maybe the guy thought his offer included
treats, but he only said coffee, so he assumed that she had
already declined any food. Maybe he did offer with more of a
gesture than words and it was not understood. Maybe he was so
nervous that he failed to offer her one as intended (or as
someone else pointed out, changed his mind). Maybe he is a rude
bore that should be avoided at all costs. I really don't know!
>
> This is just a tiny clue into who this guy is. If he also was
degrading to the barista and left his trash on the table, yeah,
I am probably going to pass on a second date. But if I felt a
connection and he was otherwise well-mannered enough, I would
overlook this one. I KNOW that I have made etiquette errors
(probably daily) and I appreciate when people are gracious to
me. I hope that I do the same for the small blunders that others
make. Sure all the pieces add up to one dating partner, but I
probably won't like every piece anyways. Besides, I probably
don't need a cake pop... even if I really want one!!! ;D
>
--- End Quote ---
I don't know that my opinion would change if he returned with
one cake pop. My rationale above still stands. I think the issue
with two cake pops (with little Valentine hearts on them) is
that she assumed one of them was for her and then he just...ate
both of them. Which adds more comedic value and awkwardness to
the story and makes him seem doubly inconsiderate and/or
oblivious. Even if he realized his error in the moment, he had a
whole cake pop's worth of time to rectify it and didn't.
#Post#: 47699--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
DIR By: Amara
Date: February 21, 2020, 10:56 am
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I just don't believe there was a man or a date. I am of the
opinion that she made this up to sell books because it's too
convenient, right? It's Valentine's Day, she writes romance, the
coffee shop had these heart-shaped cakes, she goes on Twitter
and gets it retweeted all over.
#Post#: 47700--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: February 21, 2020, 11:00 am
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--- Quote from: Victoria link ---
>
> [quote author=Jem link=topic=1640.msg47687#msg47687
date=1582298414]
> This seems a bit off, but did the man pay for everything? I
feel as though this woman should have either said, “Oh - can I
have one?” or split the cost of the date and bought her own.
>
--- End Quote ---
I think that this is one of those times the onus shouldn't be on
the other person to ask. Taking the story at face value, he
specifically asked what she wanted to drink, then brought back
her order and both cake pops. If this story is true, I suspect
that this guy is (in a really poor way) trying to make some sort
of point about how much he's willing to pay for on a date.
I've always thought that the gracious thing to do is for the
person who wants to do something else to see if their companion
also wants something. As in, "As we're sitting here I became
hungry, would you like anything?" or "I'm going to order
dessert, would you like some?" rather than simply doing the
thing (ordering more food/dessert) and expecting the other
person to speak up afterward.
[/quote]
And if you want to not have to pay for their dessert, you choose
wording like, "Would you like to get one for you?"
#Post#: 47701--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
DIR By: lowspark
Date: February 21, 2020, 11:04 am
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--- Quote from: Jem link ---
>
> This seems a bit off, but did the man pay for everything? I
feel as though this woman should have either said, “Oh - can I
have one?” or split the cost of the date and bought her own.
>
--- End Quote ---
If he offered to pay, then he should pay. If he didn't want to
buy more than a coffee, then he should have either asked for her
to go dutch or held off his eating till after the date. If
they're meeting for a cup of coffee, it usually indicates a
short date, like an hour maybe, unless it's mutually agreed to
continue the date longer.
There's no way, if this happened to me, that I would ask to have
one unless he put the plate in the middle of the table or
somehow indicated that he wanted to share. It doesn't sound
like, from the information we have, this guy did that.
#Post#: 47702--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: February 21, 2020, 11:04 am
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I'd still think he was rude to buy one for himself and not for
her.
There's an etiquette rule that you don't eat things in front of
other people unless you can also offer them some. That's what he
was doing.
The fact that it's a date just makes it worse. If he didn't want
to spring for a cake pop for her, he should have gone without.
He could end the date after the coffee, and then go back and get
one for himself.
I suppose he could have come back and said, "here's your
drink--I got myself a cake pop, did you want to get one for
yourself?" That would be more acceptable.
#Post#: 47703--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
DIR By: Jayhawk
Date: February 21, 2020, 11:26 am
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I think after he asked her what she wanted to drink and she
answered, he should've said something like, "I'm getting myself
a cake pop, would you like one, too or something else to eat?"
#Post#: 47704--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
DIR By: Victoria
Date: February 21, 2020, 12:00 pm
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--- Quote from: TootsNYC link ---
>
> I'd still think he was rude to buy one for himself and not for
her.
>
> There's an etiquette rule that you don't eat things in front
of other people unless you can also offer them some. That's what
he was doing.
>
> The fact that it's a date just makes it worse. If he didn't
want to spring for a cake pop for her, he should have gone
without. He could end the date after the coffee, and then go
back and get one for himself.
>
> I suppose he could have come back and said, "here's your
drink--I got myself a cake pop, did you want to get one for
yourself?" That would be more acceptable.
>
--- End Quote ---
I agree that it would have been more acceptable or less bad than
buying 1 or 2 and eating them in front of her, but still
cringe-worthy from an optics perspective.
#Post#: 47706--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
DIR By: SioCat
Date: February 21, 2020, 1:12 pm
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I would have just spoken up. One of those cake pops is for me,
right. Maybe he just had a brain blip and this lets him fix it.
#Post#: 47707--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: February 21, 2020, 1:16 pm
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and if it wasn't a brain blip, that'll be informative.
#Post#: 47708--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
DIR By: Aleko
Date: February 21, 2020, 1:23 pm
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--- Quote ---
> For those who are saying that it could be a cultural thing,
ok. But then at some point, I would still expect him to say
something, as in the example posted by Aleko.
--- End Quote ---
Mmm: never underestimate the tongue-tying power of embarrassment
in dating situations. He might have already have been having
second thoughts about the appropriateness of buying her
Valentine-themed cake on a first date by the time he got them to
their table, and just put them down and hoped she'd take one;
then when she didn't, he didn't like to say 'Don't you want it?'
for fear of a snub, and just decided to eat the evidence, so to
speak.
--- Quote ---
> I think a cake pop is a stick with cake on it so I doubt if he
would have laid them down. I imagine him holding them by the
sticks the entire time.
--- End Quote ---
Hardly, as he was bringing two cups of coffee as well. He might
just about have managed to carry all of that with a stick
clenched in the fingers of each hand, but then he would have had
to ask her to take one, or else just put it down on the table
which I don't think anyone would do. I think far more likely
that the barista put the two pops on a small plate, and gave him
a small tray to carry all of it.
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