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#Post#: 47673--------------------------------------------------
"Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
By: TeamBhakta Date: February 21, 2020, 1:23 am
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A romance novelist went on a coffee date with a man. He asked
what she wanted to drink, then went to get their order. He came
back with two cake pops, but did not offer one to his date. She
says he ate both cake pops in front of her. What do you think ?
Should you offer a date part of your dessert, even if he or she
didn't request one originally ?
HTML https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-8018267/Romance-novelist-reveals-man-bought-two-cake-pops-date-her.html
#Post#: 47675--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
By: Aleko Date: February 21, 2020, 3:06 am
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My first thought is that the whole thing may have been a failure
of communication, perhaps something like this:
He asks her what coffee she wants, and goes up to the counter to
order it. There he sees Valentine's day cake pops with little
hearts on them, thinks that it would be a nice gesture to buy
them one each, and does so. He brings the coffee and cakes back
to their table, assuming she will take for granted that one of
them is for her. But she doesn't take one because he hasn't
verbally invited her to. He sees her not taking and eating 'her'
cake, assumes that either she doesn't fancy it or that perhaps -
oops! - offering a lady an overtly romantic cake on a first date
was being pushy, and reckons the best way to get over the
awkwardness is to eat it as well without comment.
Maybe it wasn't like that; but anyone whose dating history
hasn't included any embarrassments or misunderstandings like
that is very lucky!
(BTW, I wouldn't call cake or any other sweet item a 'dessert'
unless it came at the end of a meal. Is this another
transatlantic language difference?)
#Post#: 47676--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
By: Kimberami Date: February 21, 2020, 4:17 am
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The fact that she used the situation to plug her books makes me
suspect of the entire situation.
#Post#: 47680--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
By: Sycorax Date: February 21, 2020, 7:07 am
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1640.msg47675#msg47675
date=1582275963]
My first thought is that the whole thing may have been a failure
of communication, perhaps something like this:
He asks her what coffee she wants, and goes up to the counter to
order it. There he sees Valentine's day cake pops with little
hearts on them, thinks that it would be a nice gesture to buy
them one each, and does so. He brings the coffee and cakes back
to their table, assuming she will take for granted that one of
them is for her. But she doesn't take one because he hasn't
verbally invited her to. He sees her not taking and eating 'her'
cake, assumes that either she doesn't fancy it or that perhaps -
oops! - offering a lady an overtly romantic cake on a first date
was being pushy, and reckons the best way to get over the
awkwardness is to eat it as well without comment.
Maybe it wasn't like that; but anyone whose dating history
hasn't included any embarrassments or misunderstandings like
that is very lucky!
(BTW, I wouldn't call cake or any other sweet item a 'dessert'
unless it came at the end of a meal. Is this another
transatlantic language difference?)
[/quote]
If he doesn't hand one to her, or otherwise say something/make a
gesture regarding the cake pops, how would she know that one is
for her? I'm imagining he's continuing to hold on to them, or
he put them down directly in front of himself.
I wouldn't consider this guy a monster for this one instance,
but this would be something I'd keep an eye on if there were
more dates. It would be concerning to me that he only thinks of
himself in similar situations.
#Post#: 47681--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
By: Aleko Date: February 21, 2020, 7:42 am
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[quote]If he doesn't hand one to her, or otherwise say
something/make a gesture regarding the cake pops, how would she
know that one is for her? [/quote]
Different upbringing giving rise to different manners? DH and I
used regularly to attend historical/cultural commemorative
events in Spain, where we made good friends. Once a couple
invited half a dozen of us back to their apartment, where some
lovely cake had been laid out on the sideboard. We all politely
left it alone, hungry though we were, and paid attention to our
hosts' conversation for a good half hour, till finally our
hostess, almost in tears, cried 'Don't any of you like torta de
Santiago?' We said, 'yes, we love it, but you didn't invite us
to have some!' She: 'But it was obviously put out for you!'
'We: Yes, but where we come from it's rude to go for the food
before your hostess invites you to help yourself. Is it good
manners here to do that?' She and her husband said, yes, it was.
So I can see this guy just putting a plate with two cakes down
on a little cafe table, in handy reach of them both, and taking
for granted that she'd take for granted they were for sharing.
#Post#: 47684--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
By: lowspark Date: February 21, 2020, 8:17 am
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LOL. Maybe I should start tweeting about every bad first date I
have.
I wouldn't call this guy a "monster" but neither would there be
a second date. To answer your question, he should have come back
and offered to buy her a cake pop or other food item before he
ordered. He should not have ordered a food item for himself
without at least offering to order one for her.
For those who are saying that it could be a cultural thing, ok.
But then at some point, I would still expect him to say
something, as in the example posted by Aleko.
#Post#: 47686--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
By: Wanaca Date: February 21, 2020, 8:38 am
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I think a cake pop is a stick with cake on it so I doubt if he
would have laid them down. I imagine him holding them by the
sticks the entire time. If so, he would need to offer it to her
because taking unoffered food from someone's hands is rude.
If he had asked her if she wanted a cake pop and she declined, I
see nothing wrong with him getting two and eating them both.
#Post#: 47687--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
By: Jem Date: February 21, 2020, 9:20 am
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This seems a bit off, but did the man pay for everything? I feel
as though this woman should have either said, “Oh - can I have
one?” or split the cost of the date and bought her own.
#Post#: 47693--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
By: Victoria Date: February 21, 2020, 10:07 am
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[quote author=Jem link=topic=1640.msg47687#msg47687
date=1582298414]
This seems a bit off, but did the man pay for everything? I feel
as though this woman should have either said, “Oh - can I have
one?” or split the cost of the date and bought her own.
[/quote]
I think that this is one of those times the onus shouldn't be on
the other person to ask. Taking the story at face value, he
specifically asked what she wanted to drink, then brought back
her order and both cake pops. If this story is true, I suspect
that this guy is (in a really poor way) trying to make some sort
of point about how much he's willing to pay for on a date.
I've always thought that the gracious thing to do is for the
person who wants to do something else to see if their companion
also wants something. As in, "As we're sitting here I became
hungry, would you like anything?" or "I'm going to order
dessert, would you like some?" rather than simply doing the
thing (ordering more food/dessert) and expecting the other
person to speak up afterward.
#Post#: 47694--------------------------------------------------
Re: "Is one of those treats for me, dear date ?"
By: DaDancingPsych Date: February 21, 2020, 10:11 am
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I wonder how (if at all) anyone's opinion would have changed if
he returned back to the table with only one cake pop.
I can see so many ways that this could have been a
misunderstanding. Maybe the guy thought his offer included
treats, but he only said coffee, so he assumed that she had
already declined any food. Maybe he did offer with more of a
gesture than words and it was not understood. Maybe he was so
nervous that he failed to offer her one as intended (or as
someone else pointed out, changed his mind). Maybe he is a rude
bore that should be avoided at all costs. I really don't know!
This is just a tiny clue into who this guy is. If he also was
degrading to the barista and left his trash on the table, yeah,
I am probably going to pass on a second date. But if I felt a
connection and he was otherwise well-mannered enough, I would
overlook this one. I KNOW that I have made etiquette errors
(probably daily) and I appreciate when people are gracious to
me. I hope that I do the same for the small blunders that others
make. Sure all the pieces add up to one dating partner, but I
probably won't like every piece anyways. Besides, I probably
don't need a cake pop... even if I really want one!!! ;D
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