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#Post#: 47223--------------------------------------------------
Baby shower or not?
By: Gellchom Date: February 12, 2020, 2:06 pm
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The fact that I am having trouble coming up with a subject for
this post should tell me my answer. As we have said before, if
you are having trouble finding a good way to say something, it
may well be something you shouldn't say.
Here's the issue. My daughter is expecting her first baby. She
lives overseas, but she grew up here in our US city, where we
have no relatives, but many close friends who have loved her all
her life.
I think that she would love to have a baby shower. They do not
have them in Israel, where she lives, so it's not something her
friends and relatives there will do for her. She will be here
in May for an event honoring my husband, who is retiring, so
that would be the time for it, if any of our family friends want
to host a shower.
If she lived here, there is no way I would bring up the subject
if no one offered. But they don't know that she is going to be
here, so I don't know whether they would have offered if they
knew.
We always give bridal showers or lunches for each other's
daughters, but not as often baby showers. That may be because
most of our grown children live out of town, and it is much more
uncommon for them to come to their home town for a baby shower
than for a bridal shower. And baby showers seem to more often
be given by family. They are smaller and much less expensive
and elaborate than bridal showers (which have really gotten out
of hand, in my opinion).
On top of which, some of our friends are working on the
retirement event. The only slight counter balance is that the
showers I have cohosted for their daughters were much more
elaborate and expensive than the small recipe shower I asked
them to keep it to for our daughter (because she didn't have the
wedding guest list finalized yet, and we didn't want to risk
inviting non-wedding guests to a shower), so at least I don't
feel like it would be continuing a gimme-pig pattern.
So it seems that I either have to host a shower myself, ask my
closest friends if they are interested in hosting or perhaps
hosting with me, or just forget the whole thing.
I think I have pretty much given my self my answer in writing
this! But I am curious to know what you all think, and what you
have done in similar circumstances.
Thanks in advance for your insights.
#Post#: 47224--------------------------------------------------
Re: Baby shower or not?
By: jazzgirl205 Date: February 12, 2020, 2:25 pm
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Go ahead and have it. This will be the only time your friends
will get to celebrate this event and the only shower your
daughter get.
#Post#: 47225--------------------------------------------------
Re: Baby shower or not?
By: lowspark Date: February 12, 2020, 2:30 pm
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This is a tough one. If she lived here, I'm sure your friends
would step up to offer a shower, but then it could be spaced not
to coincide too closely with your husband's retirement
festivities.
I don't think the size of the bridal shower she had matters,
particularly since it was you and your daughter who set the
limits. It's not a zero sum game. (I know you know that but
maybe it just helps to think of it that way.)
I think I would just wait till she has the baby and visits with
him/her at some point in the future. Then you can host a "come
meet the baby!" party with no reference to gifts... and those
who want to can bring one anyway. Or maybe host a small get
together of close friends your daughter wants to see more
intimately than would be practical at the retirement party.
Have you asked your daughter what she wants?
#Post#: 47228--------------------------------------------------
Re: Baby shower or not?
By: TootsNYC Date: February 12, 2020, 3:16 pm
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Shower presents are going to be hard to send overseas.
Good friends can have candid conversations.
I think I would suggest you have a convo with whoever you are
truly closest with, whoever you think might truly be interesting
in hosting something on her behalf.
And maybe have a non-shower get-together, a "pre-baby lunch"
maybe.
Or, yes, a shower. (A shoe-box shower, maybe, so that things are
easy to ship? an advice shower? a book shower?)
When I was younger, I was surprised at how enthusiastic the
older ladies in my hometown were to attend a small shower for me
when I was getting married. Now that I am one of the older
ladies, I understand.
So I think you should have a very small shower.
#Post#: 47237--------------------------------------------------
Re: Baby shower or not?
By: Hmmm Date: February 12, 2020, 4:08 pm
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Who would be invited to the shower if it were to be hosted? Does
your DD have friends still around, or would it primarily be
family and a few of your friends?
This might be a good time to drop a hint. A "I can't wait for DD
to be here in May. She's coming in for 3 weeks. It'll be the
last time she can travel to the States before the baby is born.
It would be a great time to do a small baby shower for her, but
I don't think she has any close friends still living in the area
who would host."
#Post#: 47242--------------------------------------------------
Re: Baby shower or not?
By: Aleko Date: February 12, 2020, 4:41 pm
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Why call it a "shower"? You've a perfect right to hold a party
in honour of your daughter at any time, for any reason or none.
You can call it a 'celebration' of the expected baby, or
anything else you like. People who care about your daughter
will come, and any of them who actually feel the impulse to give
her a present will surely do so. So everybody will be happy.
(Unless the only thing that will make your DD really happy is
lots of loot from everyone who was invited, which I certainly
hope is not the case.)
#Post#: 47243--------------------------------------------------
Re: Baby shower or not?
By: lakey Date: February 12, 2020, 4:52 pm
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I wouldn't ask for someone to host a shower, but I WOULD bring
up in conversations leading up to the retirement party that you
will be happy to see your daughter who is X months pregnant. If
they want to host a shower for her, they will offer. Dropping
hints is less awkward than asking them to host.
If that doesn't happen, you could have some kind of party for
her before or after the birth. Just don't call it a shower. "I'm
so happy for my daughter having a baby, I've decided to invite
everyone over for a lunch," or as another commenter suggested, a
"meet the baby" party. People will give gifts even if you don't
call it a shower.
I know that this is about you and your daughter being excited
about the new baby. Showers aren't just about gifts. They're
about everyone sharing in the excitement about the upcoming
event. The gift giving is part of that excitement, especially
with baby stuff being so cute. You can pull this off.
#Post#: 47247--------------------------------------------------
Re: Baby shower or not?
By: STiG Date: February 12, 2020, 6:03 pm
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Invite the group of people who would like to see your daughter
while she is in town over for a luncheon or afternoon punch and
cake style reception.
Call it a baby shower, if you like. And here is where I would
go against traditional etiquette a little bit: 'Because DD will
be travelling back to Israel and will have limited baggage
capacity, if you wish to give her something for the baby, please
keep this in mind.' And if asked directly for ideas, suggest
cute onesies or small children's books.
You'd be surprised the gifts that my friends got for their
wedding that were all going to have to fit in their suitcases or
be shipped home. Some people need the reminder to be practical!
#Post#: 47256--------------------------------------------------
Re: Baby shower or not?
By: Rho Date: February 12, 2020, 11:12 pm
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Once I did host a baby 'shower' in my house for a dear friend
who had been through the ringer for almost a decade before
adopting. I waited until after the baby arrived to avoid the
superstition of bad luck preparing beforehand. The invitations
stressed not to bring anything for Baby but to bring one piece
of advice for New Mom and Dad. We all had a great afternoon of
eating, visiting, and enjoying as New Mom read each piece of
advice. As hostess I gave a small gift to accompany my advice.
#Post#: 47304--------------------------------------------------
Re: Baby shower or not?
By: Gellchom Date: February 13, 2020, 8:14 pm
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Thank you all so much for your thoughts and advice! It’s very
helpful.
[quote]I think I would just wait till she has the baby and
visits with him/her at some point in the future. Then you can
host a "come meet the baby!" party with no reference to gifts...
and those who want to can bring one anyway. Or maybe host a
small get together of close friends your daughter wants to see
more intimately than would be practical at the retirement party.
[/quote]
That would be perfect, but this is likely the last time she will
visit here before we move away ourselves. She wants to come for
our last Rosh Hashana here, but the baby will only be a few
weeks old, so I doubt she will want to do an overseas trip at
that point.
Shipping gifts overseas seems like it would be an issue, but it
isn’t, really, because she plans to buy most baby stuff here
anyway and send it in the shipping container along with our
stuff when we move there. Anyway, that’s her problem!
The problem with a “come see Thing Two while she’s in town
party” is that it will seem (and be) disingenuous, as everyone
will be seeing her anyway at the events for the retirement
weekend.
I think that if this is going to happen, I’ll either just host
myself or simply ask a couple of our closest friends (that
aren’t on the retirement event committee!) if they want to do
it. (I hate being hinted at, so I avoid hinting to others.) I
don’t feel too bad about it either way as it will have to be
very small and simple anyway, as we will all be very busy with
those other events too. I don’t think she will be in town long
enough to space it out much.
I’ll talk to her and see how she feels about it.
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