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#Post#: 46372--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this a classic example of looking for a reason to be insu
lted?
By: TootsNYC Date: January 29, 2020, 1:57 pm
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well, that's the point of sending the invitation to Bob (if they
don't live together).
In the case of a friend who is dating casually but steadily, I
used to advocate sending an invitation to Bob and including a
handwritten note that says, "Please feel free to extend our
invitation to Carol; we'd love to have her accompany you."
I just made it up, and I don't think anybody ever did it.
#Post#: 46400--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this a classic example of looking for a reason to be insu
lted?
By: Gellchom Date: January 29, 2020, 7:31 pm
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This major overreaction to a mistake is clearly about something
else in their relationship, not an envelope.
I’ve been married for nearly 38 years. I never changed my name.
I’ve never used any other name, including my husband’s name or
a hyphenated name, in any context, ever.
But people often call me by my husband’s name, or hyphenate my
name with his (which they never do to his name).
What’s really amusing is that a couple of my cousins — whose
last name is exactly the same as mine — keep addressing mail to
me by the hyphenated name. I’m sure they don’t do that to
insult or bug me, though — it’s certainly because the kids’
names were hyphenated, and they got confused and forgot that
mine wasn’t, too, even though they’ve gotten plenty of
invitations and notes from me with my correct name.
I don’t like it, especially when it’s someone who, if they were
paying attention, should know better. But look, even those
nice, loving cousins make the mistake. I’d like to think I
never do, with others, but probably I do, too.
So, yeah, it’s irritating. But would I decline an invitation
over it? Insist on a new one?
Please be serious.
#Post#: 46401--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this a classic example of looking for a reason to be insu
lted?
By: Runningstar Date: January 29, 2020, 7:46 pm
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I don't think that it was an intentional insult.
If I did think that it was meant by the bride to be as a slight
towards me, she would be the last person that I'd let know if it
bothered me. I'd be sure to go and enjoy myself to the fullest,
and to be the perfect guest. That is the best "revenge" to get!
#Post#: 46402--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this a classic example of looking for a reason to be insu
lted?
By: MarmaladeMom Date: January 29, 2020, 7:52 pm
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Well considering that my own father couldn’t seem to grasp that
I never changed my last name when I married (to the extent he
misnamed me in his will and all other legal documentation and we
only found out after he passed away recently) I have decided
something like this situation wouldn’t faze me.** She was
looking for a reason to be mad, I think.
** We’ve only been married for 25 years at this point.....
#Post#: 46414--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this a classic example of looking for a reason to be insu
lted?
By: Chez Miriam Date: January 30, 2020, 3:20 am
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I've been thinking about this, and would love to know if the
name wrongness was "Elizabeth" instead of "Caitlyn", or if it
was one of the mistakes I'm sure I make when sending cards:
Lyn/Lynn/Lynne, Carol/Carole, Vivian/Vivienne, and most recently
I wrote "Amy" when it should have been "Ami". :'(
I hope that the sentiment of "we're thinking of you" counts more
than "I spelled my husband's friend's wife's name wrong in a
Christmas card"...
Off topic, but my mum recently came into some money, and has
gifted some to each of her children [avoidance of Death Taxes],
and she can get my family name right on the check [the one I was
born with], and get it wrong on the envelope [the one I didn't
take on marriage], so I'm pretty sure the envelope thing is
making a point...
Which I blithely ignore. ;) ;D
#Post#: 46442--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this a classic example of looking for a reason to be insu
lted?
By: Hmmm Date: January 30, 2020, 10:03 am
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MarmaladeMom's post reminded me of a situation that I'm still
dealing with 25 years later. My parents died before I married so
I inherited some assets which were in my maiden name. For my
legal name, I chose to use my full firstname, maiden name, and
husbands last name, primarily dropping my middle name.
Soon after I married, I inherited some stocks from a great aunt.
The family point of contact listed me as FN, middle name, and
husbands last name. I could deal with that. Another aunt passed
and that point of contact provided the administrator my
shortened first name, my maiden name last initial, and my
husbands last name. Another family member passed 10 years after
marriage and suddenly the family contact had me as firstname and
husbands last name and no middle initial or middle name.
Trying to get Computershare to understand that yes, this is the
same person with the same SS# but for some reason has 6
different "legal" names is always fun.
#Post#: 46518--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this a classic example of looking for a reason to be insu
lted?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: January 31, 2020, 10:49 pm
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I definitely don't think the Bride deliberately misspelt the
LW's name to upset her! At most, this sounds like carelessness.
I get that it stings to think "Hey, this person doesn't care
enough about me to even bother checking how my name is spelled!"
but honestly, I'd let this one go, if I were the LW. Threatening
to boycott the wedding seems like a massive overreaction. Not to
mention, it puts her poor husband in an awkward position. Does
he take his wife's side and not attend (and thus risk losing his
friendship)? Or does he attend the wedding, and risk upsetting
his wife even more?
At the risk of sounding cynical, I'm wondering whether the LW is
looking for an excuse to break up her husband's friendship with
this couple...
#Post#: 46612--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this a classic example of looking for a reason to be insu
lted?
By: Twik Date: February 3, 2020, 1:17 pm
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My first name is one letter away from that of a famous singer,
who once said "I don't care how you spell my name, as long as
you spell it wrong."
So, for most of my life, it's even money if my name or Famous
Singer's name will appear on anything addressed to me. And
honestly, I don't care. People spell what they hear.
#Post#: 46649--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this a classic example of looking for a reason to be insu
lted?
By: DaDancingPsych Date: February 4, 2020, 8:35 am
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Even if the bride was a terrible person who had made the letter
writer's life miserable, I do not think that she handled this
well. It would have been more gracious to over look the
misspelling and assume it was an honest error. Even if she had
absolutely no intentions of ever attending this wedding, there
seems no reason to pick a fight (which is exactly what she did.)
The husbands also allowed this to come in-between their
friendships. The LW's husband should have talked her down and
the groom should have simply said, "Must have been an error, I
will let Bride know."
So yes, I think that the LW was looking to be insulted. It's
like she was looking for a reason not to like the bride. You
really do not need a reason to dislike someone, but I just
cannot come up with a productive reason for acting out on it.
#Post#: 46650--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this a classic example of looking for a reason to be insu
lted?
By: Twik Date: February 4, 2020, 9:10 am
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1608.msg46351#msg46351
date=1580317666]
[quote author=Dazi link=topic=1608.msg46292#msg46292
date=1580254210]
No, if she wanted to insult her, the bride would have addressed
it to husband first and last name and guest.
[/quote]
Back when I wrote the wedding etiquette column, I had a
colleague whose partner received an invitation like that from
one of his friends--and the colleague and her partner were close
to the bride & groom!
When the partner called his friend to ask about why his live-in
long-time girlfriend's name was not on the invitation, and to
say that he was offended and upset about it, the groom said
their wedding planner or stationery person had been ADAMANT that
unmarried people's names were to be treated this way.
I made a column out of it. Basically saying, "if you're the
bride/groom, don't do this. But if you get something like this,
try to cut them some slack--B&G's get a lot of people
confidently insisting they do completely inconsiderate things."
[/quote]
I think Miss Manners had a column on this, answering the
question "Is it correct to send an invitation to an unmarried
couple (e.g.) as 'John Doe and Guest'?"
Her answer was "Yes, if her name is Guest, although the form
should be 'Mr John Doe and Ms Jane Guest.' If it's not her name,
find out what it is, and use it."
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