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#Post#: 45988--------------------------------------------------
How private are bedrooms?
By: Aleko Date: January 22, 2020, 11:08 am
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The thread about giving guests a tour of the house made me think
of this question. I've always taken for granted that bedrooms in
other people's houses, even if they are one's own relations, are
totally off-limits unless they explicitly ask you to go in
there. I'm not conscious of ever having been taught this by
anyone; it was just a given. I assumed other civilised people (I
don't count student flatmates and the like) felt the same. Hence
my shock to find that my MIL didn't.
DH and I had bought an 18th-century house not far from where hs
parents lived. MIL was (and still is) thrilled by this, and
asked us as a favour to invite her, step-FIL and some of their
old friends (not as much of an imposition as it sounds, as DH
had known them from his boyhood up) to dinner to see the house.
So we did. For some reason (I can't remember why) DH was called
away that evening, so I was hosting them on my own. I gave them
dinner, then suggested they all go up to the sitting room and
I'd make coffee and bring it to them. But when I arrived with
the tray there was nobody there but step-FIL. Where is everyone?
I asked. He answered 'B has taken them up to your bedroom to see
the view from your window'. I was not so much furious as plain
flabbergasted: 'She's led all her friends off into our bedroom
without even warning me, let alone a by-your-leave? What on
earth makes her think that's an OK thing to do? Who does that?'
But B seemed to think that was totally normal, and couldn't see
why I might be upset. (She got that I was upset, though, and has
never done it again.)
How do all you Brimstoners feel about your bedrooms? Is it OK
for people to roam through them, or not?
#Post#: 45990--------------------------------------------------
Re: How private are bedrooms?
By: TootsNYC Date: January 22, 2020, 11:15 am
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I wouldn't.
But i could comprehend why someone might think that on the night
a visit had been arranged specifically to see the house, that
they could.
However, I wouldn't, even then, because it's YOUR house to show
off, not mine. That would be a "parent usurping a privilege that
belongs to their child" thing, and would have me saying, "this
is MY house, not yours! MY life, not yours!"
My MIL used to go in my bedroom and make the bed, after we got
married, when we'd invite them to dinner. I had to tell her to
stop because she was damaging our relationship, and I wanted to
avoid that. But part of my aghast-ness was her going in there at
all. Even if the door WAS open (I don't close it, because it
makes the whole apartment feel more cramped if I do).
#Post#: 45996--------------------------------------------------
Re: How private are bedrooms?
By: Hmmm Date: January 22, 2020, 11:34 am
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I personally believe that any area of the house that is not
public rooms (open concept kitchens, dining rooms, living rooms)
is off limits to guests unless expressly invited to that room. I
find that most guests feel the same way except for my own
sisters and my best friend. I've caught them showing off areas
of my home to others without asking if it is ok. Years ago it
was my sister traipsing people upstairs to see the nursery or
another taking people into my husband's office after we had done
a new wall treatment and I found my friend giving someone else a
tour of my pantry of all things after I had done some
remodeling. Even last month my sister was staying with me and
asked for some lotion and I told her I'd get it to find her
following me into my bedroom and private bath.
My sisters and my BFF would think nothing of me doing the same
in their homes and don't view themselves as company so have
don't think "company ready... i.e. not messy" rooms apply to
them.
#Post#: 45999--------------------------------------------------
Re: How private are bedrooms?
By: lowspark Date: January 22, 2020, 11:50 am
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Not ok.
Now, if she'd asked you, Aleko, please can I show my friends the
view from your bedroom, then you have the option to say yes or
no or give me a sec so I can clean up in there or whatever. And
then YOU lead the "tour".
I have never had the experience of someone going into one of my
bedrooms without my express permission. When I have enough
guests over that my master bathroom needs to be put into service
to alleviate a line at the guest bath, I announce that people
are welcome to go there. And even then, I've had people ask me,
"are you sure it's ok?"
And by the same token, I have gone into friends' bedrooms to use
that restroom, but only because they've specifically said to.
I do keep my bedroom door closed when I'm having guests unless I
want to give them access to my bathroom. And I think that a
closed door implies "do not enter".
#Post#: 46001--------------------------------------------------
Re: How private are bedrooms?
By: TootsNYC Date: January 22, 2020, 12:01 pm
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I threw a party once and set up the bedroom as a place to
gather, and nobody would go in there.
Partly it was because the coats were on the bed ("that's where
the coats live," someone objected when I suggested they go in
the bedroom)
It just feels like a private room.
#Post#: 46003--------------------------------------------------
Re: How private are bedrooms?
By: NyaChan Date: January 22, 2020, 12:13 pm
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I think this can vary greatly with different people but the
default should be not to assume you are welcome without any
invitation to enter even once in the past. So in your story
Aleko I think she was out of line not to ask you for a tour,
especially since you were new homeowner who should presumably
get to enjoy the oohs and aahs
#Post#: 46009--------------------------------------------------
Re: How private are bedrooms?
By: Pattycake Date: January 22, 2020, 1:48 pm
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Bedrooms are off limits unless invited or given permission.
Someone who hasn't been in my home before will be shown around
as people like to see how others decorate and so on, but after
that, no. Children who can't wait because the main bathroom is
occupied may be invited to use the bathroom in my bedroom, or
when I had a cat they were given permission to hunt her down in
there for giving pets. I am fortunate though that the layout of
my mobile home is such that my bedroom is at the far end, just
past the kitchen and pantry area, and so no one would ever
really have reason to accidentally wander that way.
#Post#: 46011--------------------------------------------------
Re: How private are bedrooms?
By: Hanna Date: January 22, 2020, 1:56 pm
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To me they are so private that I feel uncomfortable in anyone
else's room even if they tell me to go in there for some reason.
I loathe touring bedrooms in houses where people are living. If
feels like such an invasion.
I try to really depersonalize mine if anyone is going to be in
there for any reason.
#Post#: 46012--------------------------------------------------
Re: How private are bedrooms?
By: Annabellaustralia Date: January 22, 2020, 2:41 pm
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It's interesting how the same situation can be viewed so
differently when different sets of people are involved.
One of my dearest friends has had me visit and stay with her for
weeks at a time, and she has visited us plenty - we've been BFFs
for almost a decade, but I would never ever ever go into her
bedroom (nor she mine) without a specific invitation - I don't
know why, it's just how it happens.
Another of my closest friends? we will walk into each others
bedrooms to get things, move things, clean things, look at
things, rifle through the wardrobe or borrow slippers - pretty
much nothing is off limits and nothing ever feels offensive.
It's funny though, if my sister did any of that, or if I behaved
that way in my sisters house, we would probably have serious
words - and if my MIL ever took people into my bedroom without
clearing it with me or husband first, I would not be happy.
#Post#: 46014--------------------------------------------------
Re: How private are bedrooms?
By: TootsNYC Date: January 22, 2020, 4:11 pm
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Whether someone should go in my bedroom or not is really not
influenced by whether it's "messy." It's that it's private.
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