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#Post#: 45446--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: chigger Date: January 13, 2020, 1:54 pm
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I remember your post when you were left out of a portion of his
sister's wedding! Is the sister or her mother the one doing the
calendar? It would not surprise me! I think you have to just
accept that they have their own idea of what "family" is, even
though it sucks.
ETA: Was the person who asked for the pic the same person who
made the calendar?
#Post#: 45447--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: Jem Date: January 13, 2020, 2:06 pm
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[quote author=Kitty24816 link=topic=1582.msg45353#msg45353
date=1578840937]
For background, BF and I are in our 30s, have been together for
2 years and we live together. I have met his family members on
multiple occasions and they have been nice, no real conflicts at
all. How would you have reacted to this situation? Do you think
that this is a reasonable thing to do?
It did devolve into an argument with BF, due to me being upset
over something similar having happened with his family in the
past. I feel like he's not really taking my side, but he feels
that he can't change his family's behavior and I shouldn't be
"demanding" to be included in everything or trying to change how
they do things. He agrees that he "doesn't like it", but feels
that it shouldn't affect us, even though I feel that it does
affect me.
[/quote]
I guess I am not certain what you would want your BF to do here?
I am not really clear on who all is getting these calendars, but
I don't get the sense that you spend a lot of time with your
BF's family (yet).
I really do think that it is totally reasonable to only include
family in the family calendar. It seems to me that you are more
hurt that you are not considered family than you are about the
calendar itself. I think that you will have an uphill battle (if
you want to be considered family without changing the status
quo) given what you have told us about your BF's family unless
you get engaged and married.
I understand that you are hurt, OP, but it sounds like your BF's
family has been welcoming to you when you have been around them.
I would focus on that and consider what your BF has said about
trying to change his family's behavior and demanding to be
included in everything. In my experience, this does not make
people have a positive impression of the person in your
position, especially when you really don't have a reason to be
"demanding" (because you are not actually part of the family in
their view). Whether other people think this way or not, in your
BF's family only engaged or married partners are family.
If you were to essentially force your BF to make a big deal
about the calendar, this would likely create significant stress
for him and for you and would likely give his family a negative
impression of you. If it were me, this would not be something I
would want to do. I would want to allow the relationship with
the BF's family to develop naturally and without unnecessary
drama.
I am sorry you were hurt.
#Post#: 45454--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: Gellchom Date: January 13, 2020, 4:49 pm
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Jem, that was very good advice.
I, too, get why you felt bad about this.
But I also get the family's dilemma: It's a family calendar, and
it's a whole lot easier to have bright lines than to have to
make judgments about whose relationship is permanent enough to
be considered "family." Remember, they were including FAMILY,
not "all serious relationships," so it is all about permanence
(yes, of course divorce is possible, but marriage and engagement
are considered permanent relationships). It may seem like an
easy call in the OP's case to include her, but what do they then
do if Cousin Petunia complains that they omitted her girlfriend
of 3 months or Uncle Durwood insists that his friends and his
dogs are his family, and so forth? After all, couples have the
option to get engaged and married if that is what they want.
Just as we expect the family to respect that choice, they are
also entitled to recognize the choice NOT to get engaged or
married.
We see the same thing with family portraits and formal groups at
weddings. It's not a statement of whose relationships are
serious, it's about formal relationship.
The adoption analogy is inapt. Adopted family members are
family members the same as anyone else.
It's just a temporary calendar. I think that whoever put it
together could have been a lot more sensitive -- cropping was a
terrible idea -- but maybe they never dreamed you'd care. In
fact, I can see some people in your position feeling really
pushed by finding themselves included in a family calendar. I
think this is kind of on your boyfriend for having sent that
photo instead of checking first.
#Post#: 45456--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: DollyPardonMe Date: January 13, 2020, 5:00 pm
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I think the rudest part of all this is that they cropped you out
of the photo and then proceeded to mail you a copy of the
calendar. I think that is tacky and mean - family or not.
You said they are all photo collages? So why couldn't they
include your photo, and just make it small? Heck - put you in
the January photo, then your relationship only needs to make it
through the first month and then everyone is good. ::)
I am genuinely sorry your feelings got hurt. But with all the
above said, I would let it go. They won't feel different until
there's a ring and a piece of paper. And it's not worth possibly
ruining your future relationship with them over something like a
stupid calendar.
As a general statement - I will personally never understand
people who don't think that (amazing) friends can't be family.
Just like I strongly feel that just because you are related,
does NOT mean you are family. Life is short - spread love.
#Post#: 45457--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: Rose Red Date: January 13, 2020, 5:08 pm
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OP, would you be hurt if they just asked your boyfriend of a
picture by himself? Is it the cropping that's upsetting you or
that you were excluded?
Personally I'd be fine with being left out because, to me, two
years is a short time and I can also understand they have their
own definition of "family." But I'd still be hurt to be cut out
of a picture. I'd rather they ask my SO for a pic of just him
alone.
#Post#: 45458--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: Hmmm Date: January 13, 2020, 6:50 pm
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[quote author=Kitty24816 link=topic=1582.msg45353#msg45353
date=1578840937]
I recently experienced this, and it was very upsetting to me,
but would appreciate outside perspective on whether I'm blowing
things out of proportion.
My boyfriend's family make a calendar with photos of family
included as collages. At the suggestion of one of his family
members, we sent a photo of ourselves together to be included in
this year's calendar. When it arrived, we saw that I had been
cropped out of the photo. This really bothered me on multiple
levels, and boyfriend also didn't think it was great, so he
asked his family member who makes the calendar why it had been
done this way. She responded that there's apparently a rule that
couple who haven't announced an engagement can't be included,
according to family tradition. I personally I found this very
bothersome, and I feel that cropping someone out of a picture
sends a message, though apparently one that wasn't intended in
this case. I wasn't expecting to be included in the calendar at
all this year, and would have been fine if the idea had never
even come up. However, I feel that if she needed a picture of
him alone, she should have asked for that, instead of saying
nothing when she received a picture with both of us together and
then proceeding to crop me out.
For background, BF and I are in our 30s, have been together for
2 years and we live together. I have met his family members on
multiple occasions and they have been nice, no real conflicts at
all. How would you have reacted to this situation? Do you think
that this is a reasonable thing to do?
It did devolve into an argument with BF, due to me being upset
over something similar having happened with his family in the
past. I feel like he's not really taking my side, but he feels
that he can't change his family's behavior and I shouldn't be
"demanding" to be included in everything or trying to change how
they do things. He agrees that he "doesn't like it", but feels
that it shouldn't affect us, even though I feel that it does
affect me.
[/quote]
I have a few questions.
Is the family member who suggested he send a photo the same one
who did the calendar?
You say you didn't expect to be included in the calendar but
then state that "we sent a photo" which implies you assisted
with selecting the photo. So it seems to me that once you
learned of the calendar you both assumed you would be included?
I'm not sure what more you want from your BF. When the calendar
arrived he called his family member and asked about the issue
and was given a reason. What more are you expecting of him? He
can't force his family to start thinking of you as part of the
family. Is this situation and the one at his sister's wedding
causing you to start feeling insecure about his commitment to
you?
I still wouldn't be upset by this. I'm not sure how big the
family is, but if everyone started including photos of their
friends or SO's, you'd start loosing the idea of it being a
family calendar and start going through and going "who's that",
and 'who's that" and "wasn't she dating someone else last year?"
#Post#: 45468--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: Kitty24816 Date: January 13, 2020, 8:55 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=chigger link=topic=1582.msg45446#msg45446
date=1578945289]
I remember your post when you were left out of a portion of his
sister's wedding! Is the sister or her mother the one doing the
calendar? It would not surprise me! I think you have to just
accept that they have their own idea of what "family" is, even
though it sucks.
ETA: Was the person who asked for the pic the same person who
made the calendar?
[/quote]
No, it was a different member of the family on the other side
(related by marriage) who probably did not know about the
"rule".
#Post#: 45469--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: Kitty24816 Date: January 13, 2020, 8:58 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=1582.msg45457#msg45457
date=1578956931]
OP, would you be hurt if they just asked your boyfriend of a
picture by himself? Is it the cropping that's upsetting you or
that you were excluded?
Personally I'd be fine with being left out because, to me, two
years is a short time and I can also understand they have their
own definition of "family." But I'd still be hurt to be cut out
of a picture. I'd rather they ask my SO for a pic of just him
alone.
[/quote]
Yes, this is it exactly. In fact, I was not expecting to be
included at all this year, but once the idea was brought up and
we sent the picture, and received "thanks" in response, I was
kind of excited and looking forward to getting the calendar. I
realize that this is not the calendar-maker's fault because it
was a family member on the other side (who probably didn't know
or had forgotten the rule), who had suggested that we send the
picture. I would not have been upset at all had the topic never
been brought up, and I would have been slightly put off but
gotten over it quickly had the family member responded back
explaining the rule and asked for a picture of BF alone. It's
the cropping that bothers me the most.
#Post#: 45471--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: Kitty24816 Date: January 13, 2020, 8:59 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=chigger link=topic=1582.msg45446#msg45446
date=1578945289]
I remember your post when you were left out of a portion of his
sister's wedding! Is the sister or her mother the one doing the
calendar? It would not surprise me! I think you have to just
accept that they have their own idea of what "family" is, even
though it sucks.
ETA: Was the person who asked for the pic the same person who
made the calendar?
[/quote]
No, it's another member of the extended family, the sister and
mother had nothing to do with it. The person who suggested we
send the pic was another family member who was likely unfamiliar
with the rule.
#Post#: 45473--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: Kitty24816 Date: January 13, 2020, 9:02 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Twik link=topic=1582.msg45438#msg45438
date=1578941536]
I think this is really a slap in the face. As others have said,
this is not a permanent memorial, it's a calendar that would be
up for a limited time.
At best, if they for some reason got their unclothing in a knot
about "not faaaaamily" pictures in their precious calendar, they
should have simply asked for a solo one, rather then
ostentatiously cropping the OP out.
[/quote]
Yes, this is how it felt. There were literally hundreds of
pictures in there, very weird to me that this is a point where
they take a stand, but whatever. I don't see them that often,
and will decline future invites to events more often since
things like this make being around them awkward and weird. Doubt
that they will care, and I'm not exactly angry anymore, but I
just prefer to spend my time with people who are considerate of
my feelings and make me feel good. I just can't imagine my
parents cropping my BF out of a photo- there's just such a stark
contrast between how he's treated by my family, and how his
family treats me. I'm very unimpressed given this and the prior
incident that I posted about before.
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