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#Post#: 45353--------------------------------------------------
Cropped out of photo
By: Kitty24816 Date: January 12, 2020, 8:55 am
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I recently experienced this, and it was very upsetting to me,
but would appreciate outside perspective on whether I'm blowing
things out of proportion.
My boyfriend's family make a calendar with photos of family
included as collages. At the suggestion of one of his family
members, we sent a photo of ourselves together to be included in
this year's calendar. When it arrived, we saw that I had been
cropped out of the photo. This really bothered me on multiple
levels, and boyfriend also didn't think it was great, so he
asked his family member who makes the calendar why it had been
done this way. She responded that there's apparently a rule that
couple who haven't announced an engagement can't be included,
according to family tradition. I personally I found this very
bothersome, and I feel that cropping someone out of a picture
sends a message, though apparently one that wasn't intended in
this case. I wasn't expecting to be included in the calendar at
all this year, and would have been fine if the idea had never
even come up. However, I feel that if she needed a picture of
him alone, she should have asked for that, instead of saying
nothing when she received a picture with both of us together and
then proceeding to crop me out.
For background, BF and I are in our 30s, have been together for
2 years and we live together. I have met his family members on
multiple occasions and they have been nice, no real conflicts at
all. How would you have reacted to this situation? Do you think
that this is a reasonable thing to do?
It did devolve into an argument with BF, due to me being upset
over something similar having happened with his family in the
past. I feel like he's not really taking my side, but he feels
that he can't change his family's behavior and I shouldn't be
"demanding" to be included in everything or trying to change how
they do things. He agrees that he "doesn't like it", but feels
that it shouldn't affect us, even though I feel that it does
affect me.
#Post#: 45357--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: gramma dishes Date: January 12, 2020, 9:15 am
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In the family's position I can sort of see how they might want
to include only "real", legally associated, family members
although it raises the question as to how they might view
adopted children, etc.
From your position, I would personally be hurt by what they did.
They'd have been kinder just to have not included the picture
at all in their calendar -- ("We just had too many and couldn't
use them all!") -- than to deliberately and painstakingly crop
you out!
I know it doesn't matter and it shouldn't, but I'm not at this
moment liking your boyfriend all that much.
#Post#: 45362--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: Rose Red Date: January 12, 2020, 10:53 am
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Yeah, it would be better to just leave out the picture
altogether. Cropping it out takes work and feel like a
deliberate snub.
I actually think it's more noticeable because one can't look at
a picture and not remember what was cut out. So now every time
the OP and her boyfriend look at it, they are not thinking warm
family thoughts that his mother intends them to think.
#Post#: 45364--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: Isisnin Date: January 12, 2020, 11:05 am
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It sounds like the relative who made the calendar found out
about the engagement rule (which makes sense) after she asked
you for the picture. So that's just a mistake. When she found
out about the engagement rule, she may not have had time to get
a separate pic of your boyfriend. But she should have let both
and your boyfriend know about the engagement rule when she heard
of it.
Regarding "something similar" happening in the past. Maybe that
was just because the family weren't sure if you two were serious
at that point.
Could well be two separate incidents.
#Post#: 45365--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: DaDancingPsych Date: January 12, 2020, 11:12 am
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I agree that the family could have handled this in ways that
would have been more thoughtful of your feelings. Simply not
using the photo with a fake excuse. Not using the photo with the
truth. Asking for one of just boyfriend. All of these may still
not have been warm and fuzzy, but better than just cropping you
out.
If I was advising boyfriend, I would tell him that he should
speak up. Maybe not to change family tradition, but rather to
ensure that you feelings are known. Your description of the
family leads me to believe that they simply didn't think of your
feelings and providing them with the opportunity to be aware
might help them to be more sensitive to others in the future.
If I was advising the family, I would tell them it's a calendar.
It reflects where the family members are at that moment in time.
Leave the OP in the photo, as it shows where boyfriend is in his
life at that point.
But I'm advising the OP and I would probably be hurt, too. I
wouldn't be demanding that the family necessarily change their
ways, but rather I would want them to understand how their
actions made me feel. If this is a family that I want to
involved with for the long term, then I would want that honesty.
The same goes with boyfriend. I would want this to be a
conversation of how our relationship with his family will be
handled. I don't know that any of this would be a deal breaker,
but it certainly is a window in how this family functions and a
learning situation of how things should happen in the future.
#Post#: 45366--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: velly j Date: January 12, 2020, 11:19 am
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This is the stupidest rule I have ever heard. I have been with
my partner for 13 years, we are neither engaged nor married as
we don't need a party and a piece of paper to validate our
relationship. I actually would be reassesing how I felt about
this family.
#Post#: 45373--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: Aleko Date: January 12, 2020, 12:52 pm
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[quote]This is the stupidest rule I have ever heard. I have been
with my partner for 13 years, we are neither engaged nor married
as we don't need a party and a piece of paper to validate our
relationship. I actually would be reassesing how I felt about
this family.[/quote]
Understandably: but 13 years cohabitation is a permanent
relationship in anyone's book, 2 years not so much.
I have a good deal of sympathy with the family member, because I
was once in a rather similar dilemma. Before I was born, my
mother had made a photographic 'family tree' for her father on
his 60th birthday, with a portrait of him in the middle and all
his 6 surviving children arranged in a circle round him, with
their spouses and grandchildren attached to them by painted
branches. When my mum's 60th birthday approached, I thought it
would be nice to do the same thing for her. I have an elder
brother, already married with one child: no problem. I was
already married: no problem. My younger brother was in a serious
relationship that had lasted more than a year: the whole family
thought (correctly, as it turned out) that that relationship
might well prove to be permanent, and that it would be really
good news if it were, because we all liked her and thought her a
thoroughly worthwhile person. But, right now that gave me a
really painful dilemma. They had given no clear or even implied
indication to any of us that they saw themselves as a permanent
unit. Would I be doing right by putting her in, and pre-empting
what they might feel about it? Would I be causing mortal offence
by not putting her in? I couldn't ask my brother whether he saw
H in the light of a wife or at least a life-partner; far too
sensitive a subject. In the end I left her out, and as far as I
know nobody's feelings were hurt. (They got engaged the
following year.)
So, I can well see that the family member was in a similar bind.
I suspect that that 'rule' about not including someone not a
spouse or official fiance hadn't actually been formulated until
the question came up, and someone (it might have only needed one
pernickety person) had looked over her shoulder and said 'Oh,
but you can't put Kitty in because she's not . . . etc'. Then
she wobbled and didn't know what to do for the best. I totally
get how much of a snub it was for you, Kitty, but please don't
blame her too much.
#Post#: 45377--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: gmatoy Date: January 12, 2020, 1:51 pm
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[quote author=gramma dishes link=topic=1582.msg45357#msg45357
date=1578842126]
In the family's position I can sort of see how they might want
to include only "real", legally associated, family members
although it raises the question as to how they might view
adopted children, etc.
From your position, I would personally be hurt by what they did.
They'd have been kinder just to have not included the picture
at all in their calendar -- ("We just had too many and couldn't
use them all!") -- than to deliberately and painstakingly crop
you out!
I know it doesn't matter and it shouldn't, but I'm not at this
moment liking your boyfriend all that much.
[/quote]
Speaking as an adopted person, I would like to point out that
adoption is a legal action.
#Post#: 45379--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: Lkdrymom Date: January 12, 2020, 2:11 pm
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You have every right to be upset. If they didn't want you in the
picture that should have been from the start. As far as the
suggestion that the person may not have had the time to get
another photograph.....in this day of digital and instant images
that is no longer a valid excuse. If the OP was unavailable I am
sure another relative would have had a photos that they could
have used. To actually crop you out said loud and clear that
you are not one of them.
Another poster mention that this is a calendar and therefore
should reflect here and now. Therefore you should be in the
calendar. We had a professional portrait done for my ex
husbands family. It was not taken down after we divorced as I
was a family member at that time. I make a yearly photo collage
of that years events for my children. My husband questioned me
including daughter's boyfriend in her college graduation one.
My attitude is that he was in her life on that day so he should
be included.
I think your boyfriend needs to make it clear to family members
that this action was insulting and hurtful. You have been living
together for 2 years, not dating for 2 months.
#Post#: 45390--------------------------------------------------
Re: Cropped out of photo
By: gramma dishes Date: January 12, 2020, 4:19 pm
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[quote author=gmatoy link=topic=1582.msg45377#msg45377
date=1578858672]
[quote author=gramma dishes link=topic=1582.msg45357#msg45357
date=1578842126]
In the family's position I can sort of see how they might want
to include only "real", legally associated, family members
although it raises the question as to how they might view
adopted children, etc.
From your position, I would personally be hurt by what they did.
They'd have been kinder just to have not included the picture
at all in their calendar -- ("We just had too many and couldn't
use them all!") -- than to deliberately and painstakingly crop
you out!
I know it doesn't matter and it shouldn't, but I'm not at this
moment liking your boyfriend all that much.
[/quote]
Speaking as an adopted person, I would like to point out that
adoption is a legal action.
[/quote]
Would it ever have occurred to anyone in your family to leave
you out of a family portrait because it was early in the
adoption process and the final legal papers had not yet been
signed? That's a closer analogy to this situation Kitty has
written about.
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