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#Post#: 45344--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Raintree Date: January 12, 2020, 4:20 am
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[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=1483.msg45289#msg45289
date=1578714353]
Be careful too, of well-meaning friends who expect you to
"emote" or otherwise be a weeping wreck. Most of my friends were
great, but I had one rather annoying friend who took me out a
few weeks later for a drink. I just wanted to get my life back
into some semblance of normality. But she spent nearly the
entire time gawping at me silently (quite literally staring
intently into my face, waiting expectantly). I think she was
expecting me to break down in tears at the drop of a hat. I
almost think she was disappointed when I seemed my usual self!
[/quote]
Oh no, glad I haven't had to endure that!! I think some people
just want to be some kind of emotional saviour and are
disappointed when things really aren't that deep. I've had
health practitioners give me that look. You go in with a
physical symptom and they are desperate to find some kind of
emotional trauma behind it that they can uncover, and when they
don't find it, seem disappointed that maybe it really is only a
boring old pulled muscle or something.
I did have a coworker from another department, who I really
don't know all that well, ie not a friend, offer that she would
be happy to come for a walk with me if I ever needed to talk and
let out my grief. I do appreciate the thought, but she is not
someone I would normally pursue a friendship with (I find her
very woo-woo) and I don't feel a need. I have friends I can hang
out with that I've known for a long time, who knew my mother and
I would feel comfortable with them if I ever did want to burst
into tears (I sort of don't though). While I'm not opposed to
making new friends, I have no desire to go hang with someone I
don't know just to "let out my grief" and any new friendships I
form will not be based on that.
#Post#: 45355--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Kitty24816 Date: January 12, 2020, 9:04 am
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I agree with you, this is why I don't tend to feel comfortable
calling up people I'm not super close to and offering
condolences. Often it creates a burden on that person to respond
to all these well-intentioned calls, and I feel that a lot of
people would rather grieve on their own with close
family/friends. Of course, I'm sure there's people on the other
end of the spectrum who appreciate the outpouring of support,
and other people who might not want the phone call in the moment
but will remember and resent the people who don't call to offer
condolences. There's also the fact that a lot of people feel
like they're being rude or neglectful if they don't at least
make a phone call when someone passes away.
#Post#: 45413--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Raintree Date: January 13, 2020, 2:36 am
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[quote author=Kitty24816 link=topic=1483.msg45355#msg45355
date=1578841448]
I agree with you, this is why I don't tend to feel comfortable
calling up people I'm not super close to and offering
condolences. Often it creates a burden on that person to respond
to all these well-intentioned calls, and I feel that a lot of
people would rather grieve on their own with close
family/friends. Of course, I'm sure there's people on the other
end of the spectrum who appreciate the outpouring of support,
and other people who might not want the phone call in the moment
but will remember and resent the people who don't call to offer
condolences. There's also the fact that a lot of people feel
like they're being rude or neglectful if they don't at least
make a phone call when someone passes away.
[/quote]
So true, isn't it? Everyone feels differently about it and how
are others supposed to guess what they want? For me, having to
answer a load of phone calls would have been exhausting, but
others might really appreciate the outpouring of support.
#Post#: 45503--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: TootsNYC Date: January 14, 2020, 10:32 am
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[quote author=LifeOnPluto link=topic=1483.msg45289#msg45289
date=1578714353]
I get how you feel about the phone calls. My dad died suddenly a
couple of years ago at the relatively young age of 67. I found
that I much preferred texts, emails and cards, to chatting on
the phone. Especially as some people started asking rather
intrusive questions. Eg "How did he die? Was it sudden? What is
your family going to with his model train collection? I could
come around and look at it, if you like." etc.
[/quote]
I'm lucky--nobody asked questions. They were really focused on
expressing support. It's just that I was so busy (especially
mentally), they were in the way.
(My dad had a model train set as well.)
#Post#: 45504--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: TootsNYC Date: January 14, 2020, 10:33 am
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[quote author=MinMom3 link=topic=1483.msg45192#msg45192
date=1578544108]
Maybe if the slide took a while, all your urgent sorrow was gone
by the time your father actually passed away?
My mom was nearly 89 when she died, and it was a huge relief to
me. I wasn't grief stricken at all. I had been afraid she'd
outlive her money, but she didn't. I'd been afraid she might be
in pain, she wasn't. She was in hospice care, and was very well
taken care of. I felt many things, but not grief.
[/quote]
For my dad is was exactly the same--he also was 89, in hospice
at the end, and well cared for.
But I don't know that I ever had any urgent sorrow; I think
that's why I worry I'm callous.
#Post#: 45506--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: TootsNYC Date: January 14, 2020, 10:35 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Raintree link=topic=1483.msg45342#msg45342
date=1578823406]
... But reading your post, all I can say is,
I'M SO RELIEVED I DON'T HAVE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE PHONING ME!!!!!!!
[/quote]
I'm so glad of this for you.
And my sympathies.
#Post#: 45526--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Gellchom Date: January 14, 2020, 12:29 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1483.msg45504#msg45504
date=1579019610]
[quote author=MinMom3 link=topic=1483.msg45192#msg45192
date=1578544108]
Maybe if the slide took a while, all your urgent sorrow was gone
by the time your father actually passed away?
My mom was nearly 89 when she died, and it was a huge relief to
me. I wasn't grief stricken at all. I had been afraid she'd
outlive her money, but she didn't. I'd been afraid she might be
in pain, she wasn't. She was in hospice care, and was very well
taken care of. I felt many things, but not grief.
[/quote]
For my dad is was exactly the same--he also was 89, in hospice
at the end, and well cared for.
But I don't know that I ever had any urgent sorrow; I think
that's why I worry I'm callous.
[/quote]
Well, "callous" is a word you are using. I bet no one else has
said or even thought that about you. And I bet you wouldn't
apply that word to anyone else who was dealing with a parent's
death exactly as you are.
Our psyches are a wonder. They work like an intravenous drip,
giving us as much emotion as we need when we need it, and not
when it's convenient or we think we "should" be feeling
something or another.
You aren't callous. You are doing just fine (including
wondering about this; perfectly normal and in fact probably the
way you are processing what you think maybe should be processed
through "urgent sorrow"). But I stand by my guess that what is
going on is that you are at peace with his death because you
were at peace with him in life. Nothing is perfect, of course,
but you had and have a good relationship with him and your
family, and this is one of the benefits of that. Your very
questioning of all this is a sign that you have good values -- a
lot of people wouldn't give a thought to it -- and I bet your
dad was one of the places you got those values. You have passed
them on to your children, too. And that is how he will live on.
#Post#: 45529--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Songbird Date: January 14, 2020, 1:00 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1483.msg45504#msg45504
date=1579019610]
[quote author=MinMom3 link=topic=1483.msg45192#msg45192
date=1578544108]
Maybe if the slide took a while, all your urgent sorrow was gone
by the time your father actually passed away?
My mom was nearly 89 when she died, and it was a huge relief to
me. I wasn't grief stricken at all. I had been afraid she'd
outlive her money, but she didn't. I'd been afraid she might be
in pain, she wasn't. She was in hospice care, and was very well
taken care of. I felt many things, but not grief.
[/quote]
For my dad is was exactly the same--he also was 89, in hospice
at the end, and well cared for.
But I don't know that I ever had any urgent sorrow; I think
that's why I worry I'm callous.
[/quote]
My grandmother was 96 when she died. She developed dementia in
her 80's, and by the time she passed, she was barely aware of
her surroundings. Didn't know who any of us were, didn't even
know her own name.
Her 94 year old sister flew up from Maryland to New York for the
funeral. My great aunt and my grandmother were always "two peas
in a pod", but my great aunt was never stricken with dementia.
Listening to my great aunt at the funeral made me realize that I
had lost, and grieved, my grandmother many years before her
death.
You are not callous.
#Post#: 45534--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Soop Date: January 14, 2020, 2:14 pm
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My FIL died (it was fairly quick, but inevitable due to cancer)
a couple of years ago. My MIL isn't one for weeping. She handled
everything very well and might have looked uncaring to the
outside world. When MIL was sitting with one SIL and the funeral
director, he was going through his sales spiel...you know, for
this $$ you can add on this service and for this $$ add on this
other service. MIL looked at SIL and said "do you want fries
with that?" I laughed so hard when I heard that story.
A couple of my SIL's and I were chatting with her at the funeral
and she mentioned she wanted to go back to all her bridge nights
right away and hoped people wouldn't think that was strange. One
SIL said to just tell people that she wanted to keep busy. MIL
liked that advice.
#Post#: 45536--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: BeagleMommy Date: January 14, 2020, 3:18 pm
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Toots, you are not callous or weird.
You had grieved for your dad. It just happened earlier than his
passing.
As for the phone calls, is there anyone who can intercept them
for you? Maybe just to say "Toots isn't up to talking right now
but I'll pass on your condolences"
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