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#Post#: 45105--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: lakey Date: January 7, 2020, 10:33 pm
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You're not callous. My father was in his mid nineties when he
died. When someone is that old, you are emotionally prepared for
the death. You may not have been thinking about it consciously,
but you knew it was coming. You understood that it was for the
best, and you have become used to the idea.
#Post#: 45116--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Dazi Date: January 8, 2020, 5:11 am
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1483.msg45101#msg45101
date=1578454557]
I think actually that's why condolences are, according to
Etiquette, to be sent by mail.
Of course, lots of Etiquette was laid down well before phone
calls, but I think it still holds, that a letter would be more
considerate.
Nowadays we have texts and Messenger and Facebook--those all
work for me, actually.
[/quote]
Yes, I do believe a condolence card, or even a quick
message/text just saying "I'm so sorry for the loss of your
father... I'm here if you need me," to be more appropriate than
a 100 phone calls. Others need to understand that the grieving
may need some space and time to process.
#Post#: 45136--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Soop Date: January 8, 2020, 7:47 am
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=1483.msg45101#msg45101
date=1578454557]
I think actually that's why condolences are, according to
Etiquette, to be sent by mail.
Of course, lots of Etiquette was laid down well before phone
calls, but I think it still holds, that a letter would be more
considerate.
Nowadays we have texts and Messenger and Facebook--those all
work for me, actually.
[/quote]
I have to agree with this. Unless it's someone I am extremely
close to (someone who, given our relationship, would feel free
to say, not now, talk later), I wouldn't think of calling. Some
form of messaging or email is what I prefer, offering my
support, so that they can respond or not, read or not, in their
own time.
Personally, I don't want calls or even people approaching me
face to face at work. I cry at the drop of a tissue, even when
I'm not particularly upset, so bringing up the subject face to
face or over the phone makes me weepy and it's very annoying to
be weepy when I don't want to be.
#Post#: 45138--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Chez Miriam Date: January 8, 2020, 8:02 am
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You know it already, Toots: feeling are neither right nor wrong,
they just are.
You're not callous, you're not uncaring, you're not unfeeling.
You may be: relieved, feeling freed from a burden, tired
[dealing with the protracted end of a life can be immensely
fatiguing], fed up with having to be polite (when all you want
to do is <anything else>).
I suggest put a message on your voicemail: "thank you for your
condolences, please leave a message, I'm busy making
arrangements, so I hope you will understand if I don't call back
unless it's urgent/important that I do so". As with "prior
plans" being able to encompass 'watching movies in my PJs', so
"busy making arrangements" can include 'busy deciding what's for
lunch'.
{{Hugs}} for feeling a little besieged and my condolences for
your loss.
#Post#: 45146--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: malfoyfan13 Date: January 8, 2020, 8:50 am
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Exactly what Hjaye said. I had a similar experience with my
mother.
#Post#: 45158--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: lowspark Date: January 8, 2020, 11:31 am
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I'm sort of surprised that with today's technology, that many
people call. I would never think to call someone with
condolences nowadays. I'd text most likely, or email maybe. And
that's only if I couldn't attend the funeral or memorial
service, *and* if I were close enough to feel like I ought to
communicate directly. Otherwise I'd send a card via snail mail.
#Post#: 45162--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: syfygeek Date: January 8, 2020, 1:28 pm
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I get you Toots. My mom passed away a year ago. But she was gone
before that, stuck in a bed, unable to do anything for herself.
The life she was living was the kind she said she'd rather
someone shoot her than be dependent on others for everything.
And it wasn't a relief that she was gone, but more of a sense of
it being right, being time, if that makes sense. And for a
change I didn't have to be strong. I didn't have to put on a
brave face while having a conversation with her when she
couldn't answer and didn't even know I was there.
Be strong if you can, but if you want to wallow in misery, go
for it.
Hugs..
#Post#: 45169--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: gramma dishes Date: January 8, 2020, 2:53 pm
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Toots, you're doing great.
When my Dad's body died, FINALLY (a couple of years after the
man who once occupied that body did) I actually did say "Good"
when told the news. :-\ He had been through enough and so had
my mother who sat by his bed hours and hours every day even
though he no longer knew who she was. His physical death was a
relief.
The man I loved -- and I did indeed love him, was a total
"Daddy's girl" -- had passed on long before. The day it became
apparent that he no longer had a clue who my Mom was I knew he
was gone and that's when I grieved.
#Post#: 45171--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: JeanFromBNA Date: January 8, 2020, 3:11 pm
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I agree that etiquette can be a PITA sometimes; especially when
it burdens the wrong people. You are performing when you answer
those phone calls, and make those non-committal replies to
condolences. If that's what you need to do right now, then it's
nobody's business but your own. Carve out some time in the
future to regenerate yourself, and just get through it as best
you can for now. You don't have to be perfect, and you're too
hard on yourself again.
#Post#: 45175--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Tea Drinker Date: January 8, 2020, 3:42 pm
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You aren't callous for not wanting to perform emotions for other
people when you've lost your father. And that would be true no
matter what you were feeling about his death.
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