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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 45027--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: hjaye Date: January 7, 2020, 8:34 am
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You're not callous, I understand. My mom passed away last July.
she was 89. she was suffering from dementia and the last few
she had really gone down hill. She didn't know who I was, and
the last two months of her life, she was bed ridden. It was
time. My aunt (her sister) came to see her a few weeks before
she died, she was a bit upset when we went to a local funeral
home to make arrangements for the inevitable. She didn't like
talking about her in the past tense. I told her, that even
though she was breathing, her life was in effect over. She had
done everything she was going to do, there was nothing for her
to look forward to, even her meals were nothing but strained
mush, she didn't know where she was, who she was, or who we
were.
It was a kindness when she died, it was not a tragedy, it was
just the end that we all face, and to be able to live to a ripe
old age and die comfortably in your bed is not a bad way to go.
For me, the hardest part is it makes me face my own mortality,
it seems like it was just yesterday we were celebrating her 65th
birthday and her retirement. It went very quickly and I know it
will be the same for me. However, I honestly believe she is in
a better place. I believe she is reunited with my grandparents,
and all those whom she loved who went on before her. I envision
her sitting at a table, young again and all the infirmities of
the recent years are gone, and she's laughing and basking in the
love of her friends and relatives.
#Post#: 45036--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: bopper Date: January 7, 2020, 10:12 am
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You may have been grieving already....
I liked this analogy:
HTML https://www.boredpanda.com/ball-in-box-analogy-dealing-with-loss
Like others say, be prepared for the ball to touch the box when
you least expect it.
#Post#: 45043--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Hmmm Date: January 7, 2020, 10:58 am
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Your not callous. Your a mature individual who recognizes death
is part of life. I agree that fielding all of the condolence
calls can be exhausting. For some people they are wonderful ways
to talk through their grief. For others, they are social
necessities that are burden to try and get through during this
time. I know I didn't have a need to discuss my grief with
anyone other than my most intimate friends or family.
I try to have a standard line to give people insight to how I am
handling the loss and moving the conversation along to something
I was comfortable discussing. When my mom passed at an early age
it was "Though we lost her too soon, I'm grateful I had such a
wonderful mom." People would then switch to talking about my mom
and not my grief. When my Dad died of a sudden heart attack, it
was "Thank you. It was a shock for everyone, especially Mom.
She's our focus right now." And the conversation would go to how
Mom was doing.
Maybe you can do something along "Thank you. Dad had a wonderful
life and I am grateful is is now at peace."
My BIL's father passed away a few months back. He was early
90's, had been very active until the last 2 years where he
steadily went down hill. He was in the hospital the last couple
of weeks of his life. When death finally took him, my BIL was at
peace with it and had already done all of his grieving. We took
our cues from him on how much sympathy to express.
It wasn't till writing this that I realized I've also thought
about my mom having passed after a short battle with pancreatic
cancer but my dad dying suddenly from a heart attack.
#Post#: 45054--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Vi Date: January 7, 2020, 11:59 am
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I haven't posted since the old board, but I wanted to tell you,
Toots, that I get it. I felt the same way when my dad died at
89. He had been ill for a long time, it was time. I was
heartbroken, but I still recognized that his death wasn't a
tragedy.
I also felt that all the condolence calls where more of a burden
than a comfort. I appreciated that so many people loved my dad,
and loved me, but I felt their love and support without the
phone calls. I even expressed a wish that no one other than
immediate family attend the funeral. I thought I was alone in
that wish, but apparently, at least one of my siblings agreed
with me. It would have been so much easier if we hadn't had so
many "outsiders" to deal with at the funeral.
Anyway, I wanted to let you know that you are not callous. Your
feelings are totally normal, in my experience anyway. And I get
you.
#Post#: 45055--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: TootsNYC Date: January 7, 2020, 12:04 pm
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The thing is, even with my mom, whom I adored and who was a huge
source of comfort, wisdom and stability in my life--I'm not sure
I'd use the term "heartbroken."
Sad, yes, sometimes, when I think about it.
And the calls are burdensome mostly because they're annoying,
and they make me feel like I have to perform somehow.
I'm happy to have people at the funeral, for themselves, etc.
But I wish they just wouldn't call me too.
I know the support is there, even if they never say it. ("I felt
their love and support without the phone calls.")
I guess they feel better for having said it, but again, that's
me supporting them instead. Not that I'm upset, just that this
is what's going on. It's about how they feel, and not about how
I feel (not that they could know). I've been trying to frame it
that way--that by taking the calls, I perform a service to other
people who are dealing with their own pressure about how
Etiquette is requiring them to respond. (They aren't having any
really deep grief of their own, I'm confident.)
#Post#: 45057--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Gellchom Date: January 7, 2020, 2:02 pm
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Toots, of course you are not callous. You don't feel "nothing"
-- you feel okay. Even if, as others have said, sad or sort of
shocked feelings pop up now and again, I expect that overall
this is how you will continue to feel, and that's good.
In my experience, feeling at peace at a death happens when the
relationship was good and there are no regrets. It's odd --
somehow it's the deaths of the ones we struggled with that feel
more acutely, I guess because we know that even if we'd had 100
years more, we would never have gotten it all smoothed out, and
that's what is sad. And conversely, we dread so much the
beloved anchor of the family leaving us, thinking we will feel
lost, and then, when they do, somehow we are okay. We learned
the lessons they taught us, including how to take care of each
other, and the feeling isn't exactly happy, but it's in its own
way sweet.
You were a good daughter in a loving family. I am sure that
your father was very proud of you and that you have lots of nice
memories. May he rest in peace, and may you and your family
live in peace.
#Post#: 45086--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: pierrotlunaire0 Date: January 7, 2020, 6:25 pm
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Something Miss Manners wrote has stuck with me. The grieving
process is such a wide array of conflicting emotion, it ranges
from despair to hilarity to stoic acceptance to relief, and all
mixed all together. That is why you allow the bereaved some
privacy and understanding, because the process is so bewildering
and unsettling.
I understand, and I do feel sorry for your loss. My mother died
after a long illness, and I was relieved and crying and
laughing.
And unfortunately, all those phone calls? You can't even just
say, "Oh, leave me alone for awhile," because they mean well.
#Post#: 45088--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Dazi Date: January 7, 2020, 6:48 pm
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[quote author=pierrotlunaire0 link=topic=1483.msg45086#msg45086
date=1578443148]
Something Miss Manners wrote has stuck with me. The grieving
process is such a wide array of conflicting emotion, it ranges
from despair to hilarity to stoic acceptance to relief, and all
mixed all together. That is why you allow the bereaved some
privacy and understanding, because the process is so bewildering
and unsettling.
I understand, and I do feel sorry for your loss. My mother died
after a long illness, and I was relieved and crying and
laughing.
And unfortunately, all those phone calls? You can't even just
say, "Oh, leave me alone for awhile," because they mean well.
[/quote]
No, but you can screen the calls and just let them go to
voicemail (or silence it if it's not imperative to have it on).
#Post#: 45101--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: TootsNYC Date: January 7, 2020, 9:35 pm
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I think actually that's why condolences are, according to
Etiquette, to be sent by mail.
Of course, lots of Etiquette was laid down well before phone
calls, but I think it still holds, that a letter would be more
considerate.
Nowadays we have texts and Messenger and Facebook--those all
work for me, actually.
#Post#: 45103--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Rho Date: January 7, 2020, 9:56 pm
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You are not callous.
Everyone is entitled to their feelings
Folks who make phone calls to others who have just had a loved
one pass away (or be in the hospital) are RUDE.
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