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#Post#: 45007--------------------------------------------------
I think I am just callous
By: TootsNYC Date: January 6, 2020, 9:01 pm
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My dad passed away Sunday night; it was a long slide down, and
he finally passed away (“passed away” feels like an accurate
wording somehow, better than “died,” which is what I use for my
mom’s somewhat sudden death from pneumonia).
I’m just not feeling the condolence phone calls. All the family
members from my ILs’ family call to say things like “be strong,”
and “sorry for your loss,” and I’m just thinking, Oh, leave me
alone. It’s really more a burden than any sort of comfort.
(Someone at work found out at the end of the day when she
checked Facebook and apologized for not having said anything; I
told her, “I knew that you’d have said something if you’d known,
but I didn’t want to interrupt the day yet again to talk about
it–I felt the support even if you weren’t even offering it.”)
I almost laughed when the uncle-in-law said, “be strong.” I
thought, I’m just not upset. Dad was 89; we’d been expecting
this; he wasn’t suffering so much, but his life was rapidly
becoming less enjoyable; and it was just time.
I don’t need any advice, really–though I’d welcome reassurance
that I’m not weird or unfeeling for finding all the condolence
stuff more burdensome than comforting.
For the phone calls, I just say thanks nicely and say that it’s
not particularly upsetting because it was time, and get off the
phone as soon as I can.
#Post#: 45008--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Luci Date: January 6, 2020, 10:04 pm
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I agree with you. I prayed for my mom to die because of her
cancer and she was only 54. I didn’t feel heartless when my dad
died at 91 of good mind because the pain of old age was taking
over. And my list goes on. Some days when my confusion and
dizziness overwhelm me, I know I will be ready to go when it’s
my time.
#Post#: 45009--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: NFPwife Date: January 6, 2020, 10:08 pm
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I completely understand what you're experiencing. DH and I were
in a similar place when his mother died after a protracted
decline in her health. The best way I could describe it is that
we'd already been grieving because we lost her in stages. The
support that we were offered after the death, frankly, was far
more needed during her illness.
I'm sorry for your loss. Grief isn't linear and everyone
person's experience is unique. Hugs!
#Post#: 45012--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Pattycake Date: January 6, 2020, 11:34 pm
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Hugs - It's hard no matter how it happens, and you feel how you
feel, nothing wrong with that. I would handle the phone calls
just the same way as you are, and tell myself, as I often do,
"This too shall pass..."
#Post#: 45015--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Aleko Date: January 7, 2020, 2:02 am
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Be prepared for grief to hit you like a physical blow at some
quite random time in the future. I was just the same immediately
after my mother died, totally expectedly, after a long decline.
My brothers and I had honestly hoped for the end, because it was
all taking such a toll of my father that we thought it might
kill him too if it went on much longer. Like you, I knew it was
her time and went back to work feeling, if anything, glad that
we all had closure, and carried on as normal. Then one morning,
a week or so later, I arrived in London on my usual train and
suddenly found myself totally incapable of getting out and going
to the office; all I wanted was to go home, pull the blankets
over my head and cry. Grief is like that; it takes its own time.
#Post#: 45016--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Oz Diva Date: January 7, 2020, 2:26 am
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There is no right or wrong way to grieve, everyone is different.
As Aleko says it might hit you one day. Or it may not. Doesn’t
mean you’re callous.
#Post#: 45017--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Dazi Date: January 7, 2020, 5:18 am
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When someone is ill for a very long time, the grieving process
starts prior to them dying. It's called anticipatory grief. It's
not uncommon to feel relief that they aren't suffering anymore.
That doesn't make you callous, that makes you human.
#Post#: 45018--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Lkdrymom Date: January 7, 2020, 5:44 am
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I completely understand. My father is almost 93. He isn't
'living', he is just existing. Quite frankly he is two years
past his expiration date. I will feel the way you do...it is
time. Although I do believe I might feel some grief after some
time passes...as in there is no one let from my childhood. But
at the time of his passing I won't be feeling much of anything
other than relief that he is no longer 'suffering'.
#Post#: 45020--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Venus193 Date: January 7, 2020, 6:44 am
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There is no right or wrong way to feel. Dazi is right. You are
neither callous nor weird.
#Post#: 45026--------------------------------------------------
Re: I think I am just callous
By: Songbird Date: January 7, 2020, 8:33 am
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You are not alone. You are entitled to your feelings. I
understand how you feel.
My dad was 88 and had been sick for 4 years when he passed.
My dad died right after the Jewish High Holy Days. He was in
the hospital during the holidays, clearly spiraling down.
Tradition holds that during the High Holy Day G-d decides who
will live and who will die during the coming year. I remember
standing in the synagogue and not knowing what to pray for
regarding my father...finally gave up and just asked for G-d to
do the right thing for my dad.
And I remember the feeling of relief when he died. It wasn't
until later that I mourned the person he had been before illness
robbed him of so much.
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