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#Post#: 45005--------------------------------------------------
Would you tip someone off about writing a thank-you note?
By: TootsNYC Date: January 6, 2020, 8:52 pm
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While we were arranging to video chat with a cousin on my MIL’s
new iPad, my MIL told me that she and FIL were a little offended
because they’d sent a card and money to the cousin for her new
baby, and also to the cousin’s visiting sister (from overseas),
but they hadn’t received a phone call of thanks or a note.
Later, I wondered whether I should alert that cousin to the fact
that they’re offended, so she and her sister can do some damage
control.
I think the cousin would handle it well; she’s much younger than
me, but she’s also relatively sensible and not drama prone.
But I haven’t decided.
(There is another cousin & his wife who never acknowledged a
baby gift, and my MIL is offended and has actually scaled back
how much she gives them. I don’t think they notice or mind,
really. Them, I don’t think I’d say anything to–in part because
my info came much later than the offense, and in part because
we’re just not that close and I don’t trust their reactions.)
Anyway–thoughts on this? or on similar situations?
Have you have done this sort of behind-the-scenes information
brokering?
#Post#: 45014--------------------------------------------------
Re: Would you tip someone off about writing a thank-you note?
By: Aleko Date: January 7, 2020, 1:50 am
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This is a tricky one, isn't it? So many individual factors play
into it.
One is: do you have the impression that MIL told you this
hoping, or even intending, that you would drop a hint to cousin
as a result? I can totally see that you don't want to take it on
yourself to act as the family busybody; but if MIL is counting
on you to put in a tactful word that would produce a charming
thank-you to which MIL could beam fondly and say 'it's nothing
dear, I'm just so happy to be able to... etc', so that
everything would be sweet again, then perhaps you should.
My first instinct would be to sit on my hands, but that's
because my in father's family nobody ever remonstrated directly
with anyone else when they were upset about their behaviour, but
everyone made it their business to bustle around taking
relatives aside and saying 'I think you should know that MIL is
very upset about your doing / not doing X' - sometimes when they
didn't even know for sure that MIL was upset, only that they
figured she would be. My father hated this and threw himself
gratefully into the bosom of my mother's family, Quakers who
won't hesitate to tell you exactly where your behaviour is
faulty, in a helpful spirit. We like it, even though it can
bruise, because we know exactly where we stand with each other.
But to people who don't operate in the same way, and who would
stew for decades and even cut people out of their wills without
ever telling them how much upset their behaviour had caused, one
of our mild just-setting-you-straight remarks can come across as
a crushing condemnation.
#Post#: 45019--------------------------------------------------
Re: Would you tip someone off about writing a thank-you note?
By: kckgirl Date: January 7, 2020, 6:38 am
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Aleko, as I was sitting here wondering why someone would dislike
your post, I then saw in red letters that it was me, and
apparently there's no way to remove it. No more touching the
mouse while I'm reading. I apologize.
#Post#: 45022--------------------------------------------------
Re: Would you tip someone off about writing a thank-you note?
By: otterwoman Date: January 7, 2020, 7:42 am
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The tactic I used when a sent gift was unacknowledged was to ask
the recipient if the gift ever arrived. It gave the person the
chance to give a fake apology about forgetting the thank you
note. They got the point. For that particular person, I did drop
them from my gift list.
As to whether to pass along the info of your MIL being upset,
does her family use the 'telephone game' method of passing info?
Mine does. So, if my mom is annoyed with her sister (my aunt),
she doesn't say anything to aunt, mom complains to me. I then
find a tactful way to tell aunt what's bugging mom. I was raised
with that method. If your MIL does that, then she might be
hoping you'll pass the message along. If that's not her style,
then she was just bitching. You can suggest she just ask them if
the card arrived.
#Post#: 45038--------------------------------------------------
Re: Would you tip someone off about writing a thank-you note?
By: bopper Date: January 7, 2020, 10:25 am
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As this is your MIL, if the cousin is on your DH's side I would
have your DH be the one to do this or not to do this.
#Post#: 45040--------------------------------------------------
Re: Would you tip someone off about writing a thank-you note?
By: Hmmm Date: January 7, 2020, 10:37 am
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If you have a generally good relationship, I might say "MIL
mentioned she hadn't yet received a thank you note for the baby
gift. I know she is always concerned about gifts getting lost in
mail." If cousin says that she called and thanked MIL for the
gift you can then say "Oh, maybe she mentioned it because she
was expecting a written thank you. She's a stickler for that.
Don't mention to her that I said anything. " Cousin has all the
info she needs and can decide if she wants send a written thank
you.
#Post#: 45047--------------------------------------------------
Re: Would you tip someone off about writing a thank-you note?
By: TootsNYC Date: January 7, 2020, 11:10 am
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[quote author=bopper link=topic=1482.msg45038#msg45038
date=1578414334]
As this is your MIL, if the cousin is on your DH's side I would
have your DH be the one to do this or not to do this.
[/quote]
As a "girl," I actually have a closer friendship with the cousin
in question than my DH does. I sent her a nursing pillow (and
when the order got messed up, we texted back and forth), and I
sent her my document of nursing tips, etc.
Also, I think I'm more skilled at explaining the problem without
making it seem like a huge crisis (but rather a tactical
situation).
I'm not a big fan of the "you handle your family" as a RULE. I
think it can be valuable, but it doesn't always work.
#Post#: 45053--------------------------------------------------
Re: Would you tip someone off about writing a thank-you note?
By: NyaChan Date: January 7, 2020, 11:35 am
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I think this is one of those situations that depends greatly on
closeness. If you aren’t close, it can feel like people were
talking about you or you are being called out rather than a
friend giving you a heads up. If it’s not someone I speak to
regularly and casually, I wouldn’t say anything as their
relationship with the giver is not my business and likely closer
than my relationship to the person who didn’t send a note.
#Post#: 45074--------------------------------------------------
Re: Would you tip someone off about writing a thank-you note?
By: Runningstar Date: January 7, 2020, 4:12 pm
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I've learned the hard way (and it took way too many times!) to
just keep silent. Unless you are my actual child, or maybe
husband, I just bite my tongue.
#Post#: 45081--------------------------------------------------
Re: Would you tip someone off about writing a thank-you note?
By: oogyda Date: January 7, 2020, 6:14 pm
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[quote author=Runningstar link=topic=1482.msg45074#msg45074
date=1578435163]
I've learned the hard way (and it took way too many times!) to
just keep silent. Unless you are my actual child, or maybe
husband, I just bite my tongue.
[/quote]
I saw that and can't believe someone already posted my thoughts.
Nope. Just don't. No matter how well intentioned you may
be...…….just butt out.
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