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#Post#: 44895--------------------------------------------------
Gift giving reciprocity
DIR By: oogyda
Date: January 5, 2020, 5:43 pm
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The gift giving thread in The Work Day board brought this to
mind and I thought I'd put it up for discussion.
When our DDs graduated from high school, we sent announcements
to (mostly) family members. There was some expectation of a
congratulatory card with or without a gift (usually money).
We did send an announcement each time to BIL (DH's brother) and
SIL. They did not send a card or a gift.
When their DD's graduated, we received announcements. DH and I
discussed whether or not to send nothing or to send what we had
sent with every other announcement we had received.
One arguement was that they had set the precedent.
Another arguement was that we should stick to the standards we
had set for ourselves.
Thoughts?
#Post#: 44896--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gift giving reciprocity
DIR By: kckgirl
Date: January 5, 2020, 5:51 pm
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I woulds send a card, but I wouldn't include any money. As you
said, there is a precedent and they set it.
#Post#: 44897--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gift giving reciprocity
DIR By: Jem
Date: January 5, 2020, 6:11 pm
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One thing I really respect about my mom is this advice: Don't
base your treatment of other people on who they are; base your
treatment of other people on who YOU are.*
This is basically non-advice in this specific situation aside
from the very vague "Do what honors the person you want to be."
Personally, I would probably send a thoughtful card and no gift.
But it all depends on how whatever you do will make YOU feel,
not whether the recipient of your actions "deserves" it.
*For example, I asked my mom why she continued to put so much
time and effort into caring for elderly relatives on my father's
side (in the nursing home) who were never particularly nice to
her and who were downright mean and rude to her as they aged.
Her response was that regardless of the abuse she had and was
taking, she felt it honored the person SHE is to do what she was
doing to care for them. It was about honoring my mother's
character rather than any sort of "deserving" in anyone else.
#Post#: 44898--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gift giving reciprocity
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: January 5, 2020, 6:38 pm
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I assume you see your niece occasionally but not close? If
that's the relationship, I agree with sending a card, but no
gift or money.
#Post#: 44899--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gift giving reciprocity
DIR By: Luci
Date: January 5, 2020, 7:29 pm
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--- Quote from: oogyda link ---
>
> The gift giving thread in The Work Day board brought this to
mind and I thought I'd put it up for discussion.
>
> When our DDs graduated from high school, we sent announcements
to (mostly) family members. There was some expectation of a
congratulatory card with or without a gift (usually money).
>
> We did send an announcement each time to BIL (DH's brother)
and SIL. They did not send a card or a gift.
>
> When their DD's graduated, we received announcements. DH and
I discussed whether or not to send nothing or to send what we
had sent with every other announcement we had received.
>
> One arguement was that they had set the precedent.
>
> Another arguement was that we should stick to the standards we
had set for ourselves.
>
> Thoughts?
>
--- End Quote ---
I would send the money. This isn’t between you and the parents,
it’s between you and the graduate.
#Post#: 44903--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gift giving reciprocity
DIR By: Wanaca
Date: January 5, 2020, 8:51 pm
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--- Quote from: Luci link ---
>
> [quote author=oogyda link=topic=1477.msg44895#msg44895
date=1578267839]
> The gift giving thread in The Work Day board brought this to
mind and I thought I'd put it up for discussion.
>
> When our DDs graduated from high school, we sent announcements
to (mostly) family members. There was some expectation of a
congratulatory card with or without a gift (usually money).
>
> We did send an announcement each time to BIL (DH's brother)
and SIL. They did not send a card or a gift.
>
> When their DD's graduated, we received announcements. DH and
I discussed whether or not to send nothing or to send what we
had sent with every other announcement we had received.
>
> One arguement was that they had set the precedent.
>
> Another arguement was that we should stick to the standards we
had set for ourselves.
>
> Thoughts?
>
--- End Quote ---
I would send the money. This isn’t between you and the
parents, it’s between you and the graduate.
[/quote]
I agree with this. Let your decision be based on your
relationship with your niece rather than her parents.
***Edited to change you to your
#Post#: 44906--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gift giving reciprocity
DIR By: Aleko
Date: January 6, 2020, 1:44 am
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For me it boils down to this: do oogyda and DH feel inclined to
send his niece anything? If so, they should send her whatever
they are moved to send; if not, not. And they should send it
direct to her, not via her parents; it's for her, not them.
I have to say that I simply don't see sending graduation cards
or gifts as belonging in the same box as not abandoning one's
elderly relatives to their fate. It's just a custom. (Which
incidentally is unknown on this side of the pond; over here,
'Jane has finished her degree in media studies!' is news that
goes in the Christmas round-robin, and it doesn't occur to
anyone that this calls for a card to Jane, let alone a gift.) As
with all customs, some people go overboard on them, some reject
them outright, and others have different opinions as to how far
they should extend. (E.g. I send Christmas cards, but only to
people I actually care about or have real ties to. I regularly
receive some cards from people I barely know - indeed one I
actively dislike! - who evidently feel it right to send cards to
everyone in their address book, regardless. If they think
they're 'honouring the person they feel they should be' by doing
that, good luck to them.) It's just possible that BIL and SIL
don't really buy into the gifts-and-congrats-on-graduation idea
at all, but their daughter wanted announcements sent and they
felt they couldn't refuse.
(Incidentally, how do you actually know BIL and SIL never sent
anything to your daughters? Did you ask them? Or did they
complain to you that their aunt and uncle hadn't ponied up?)
#Post#: 44912--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gift giving reciprocity
DIR By: Chez Miriam
Date: January 6, 2020, 7:08 am
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I fully admit that my response is markedly influenced by the
fact that we tried for years to have a relationship with
niece/nephews, that was never reciprocated [in the end it was
only my husband that was making the 4-hour round-trip to try and
keep a relationship going - he'd phone and ask to visit, Parents
would say yes, he'd get there and both children had gone off
somewhere because they'd accepted a "better offer" from someone
more important]. They will contact us if there's something they
want from us. We're pleasant to each other when we meet, but as
they don't attend events important to us, I have stopped
attending their events, so it's a while since I saw them.
Now my feeling is that I am/want to be a generous person, but
only to people I care about/have an actual relationship (not
just related by blood) with, so my cousin's daughter received a
21st Birthday card and money, (my) nephew didn't. I don't even
know how old he is.
Agree with Aleko, that graduation gifts are not done over here,
so that would also influence me towards 'card but no cash'.
#Post#: 44951--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gift giving reciprocity
DIR By: Victoria
Date: January 6, 2020, 11:56 am
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Where I'm from (American Deep South), graduation cards and
gifts, along with wedding invitations and gifts, are used as
precedents between the parents as much as they are (separately)
gifts to graduates/new spouses. I have personally always loathed
this added layer of subtext, particularly when (for example) a
girl in my class sent my parents a wedding invitation with just
their names and not even a +1 on it, didn't send me one, and
barely said two words to me the whole time we were in school and
church together. "She wants a gift, and we went to school with
her parents," my dad explained, "I guess we should send
something."
I like what Jem said, about ignoring the precedent and making a
decision (even if it's to send nothing but a card) for yourself.
I personally think that it should be about the gift or words of
congratulations that you want to send to the graduate and not
about a message or precedent you have with the graduate's
parents.
#Post#: 45037--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gift giving reciprocity
DIR By: bopper
Date: January 7, 2020, 10:18 am
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What is your relationship with the nieces? Have you sent them
gifts before? Did they thank you/send thank you notes?
Are BIL/SIL generally selfish/entitled?
If you have a good relationship with the nieces and they have
expressed appreciation for gifts before and BIl/SIL are not
overly entitled, I would send a gift.
If they are generally entitled, then I would not promote that
behavior.
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