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#Post#: 44617--------------------------------------------------
Etiquette towards family of bridal party
By: whiterose Date: January 2, 2020, 6:01 pm
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This upcoming event will take place at a wedding- but it is not
regarding traditional wedding etiquette per se.
BG:
Levi was married to Nadine and had two sons: Dalton and Adrian.
Levi and Nadine divorced after several years of marriage. Levi
obtained custody of both Dalton and Adrian for various reasons.
Neither one of them was super close to their mother- although
estranged may be too strong of a word.
Over a decade later, Levi met Jocelyn and married her. Jocelyn
is everything Nadine was not. Dalton and Adrian adore Jocelyn.
And so does Levi's niece, Greta. In fact, Greta has told Jocelyn
multiple times that she had never seen Levi so happy in his
entire life.
Last time Greta spoke to Nadine was over 20 years ago on the
phone- around the time of the divorce. Greta lives in a
different state than the other people mentioned so far. Greta is
close to Levi and Jocelyn, speaks to them on a regular basis,
and goes visit them (and they visit her) about once a year.
Present day:
Adrian is getting married to his girlfriend, Cynthia. Jocelyn
informed Greta that invitations will be coming soon.
Greta was not sure how close Adrian was to his mother Nadine.
But a recent Facebook pic on Adrian's page shows Nadine and
Adrian together.
Issue:
How should Greta (and her brother Hans) address Nadine at
Adrian's wedding? How much interaction is sufficient? Should
they wait until Nadine approaches them? How about introducing
their spouses (Lars and Eliana)- who have not met Nadine (but
have heard their share of complaints about her), and who get
along great with Jocelyn- how much interaction besides basic
introductions is necessary?
Size of wedding is unknown to Greta. Ditto for seating
arrangements.
Neither Greta nor Hans are in the wedding party. They are just
guests from the groom's side. They do not want to make a scene.
But they disliked Nadine for a reason- and like Jocelyn for many
reasons as well.
#Post#: 44620--------------------------------------------------
Re: Etiquette towards family of bridal party
By: Annabellaustralia Date: January 2, 2020, 6:14 pm
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"Hi Nadine, nice to see you. what a beautiful ceremony that was
- this is my husband Lars. Lars, this is Adrians mother,
Nadine." or words to that effect. Unless the invitation mentions
Nadine as a host of the wedding, in which case some more
effusive praise of the wedding and a thank you, might be more
appropriate.
#Post#: 44629--------------------------------------------------
Re: Etiquette towards family of bridal party
By: Gellchom Date: January 2, 2020, 11:13 pm
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I agree with Annabelleaustralia. Just be polite and pleasant.
What, I wonder, were Greta and Hans thinking of doing or saying
other than that? “They do not want to make a scene” - I
certainly hope not! And nothing well short of a scene, either,
if they want to be good guests (not to mention mature adults).
I’m sure they have perfectly good reasons to dislike Nadine.
But that doesn’t justify being rude to her or snubbing her, let
alone doing something so aggressive it would create a scene or
embarrass others. Nor does liking Jocelyn; I’m not sure what
that has to do with anything, unless they are somehow thinking
it would be supportive to her to be rude or cold to Nadine,
which I think would have the opposite effect, given that it
would cast a cloud over her stepson’s wedding.
I don’t see where Nadine has done anything awful to Greta or
Lars. Maybe she has. Perhaps they haven’t even seen her in
years. But whatever their reasons for disliking her, Adrian’s
wedding is certainly not the time to have it out with her.
At many, maybe most, weddings there are likely to be people who
have issues with one another. But I never see anyone acting on
it by being rude. They just avoid each other if gracefully
possible, and, when they can’t, they interact pleasantly and
politely. You don’t have to like people to do that.
Adrian and/or Levi and Jocelyn invited Nadine. If they can be
gracious to her, certainly Greta and Hans can.
#Post#: 44631--------------------------------------------------
Re: Etiquette towards family of bridal party
By: NyaChan Date: January 2, 2020, 11:16 pm
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I think this is only a problem or concern if people make it one.
They are attending a wedding - how would they treat a family
friend or or distant relative or really any human being you meet
in a social situation? Be polite and courteous, congratulate her
on a happy occasion and move along.
#Post#: 44632--------------------------------------------------
Re: Etiquette towards family of bridal party
By: lakey Date: January 2, 2020, 11:26 pm
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I think Greta is overthinking this. We sometimes do that. At any
large social event, there are going to be people you like,
people you dislike, and people you don't know. It's no big deal.
#Post#: 44663--------------------------------------------------
Re: Etiquette towards family of bridal party
By: whiterose Date: January 3, 2020, 8:46 am
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Thank you for the advice.
Do Greta and Hans need to deliberately seek out Nadine to say
hello to her? If it is a very large wedding, it is always
technically possible they may not see her. It is always
technically possible they may not recognize each other as well,
since a good 25 years have passed (Greta and Hans were teenagers
the last time they saw Nadine in person- and both will be over
40 by the time this wedding takes place). Even if they recognize
Nadine and/or she recognizes them, they will certainly not
recognize Nadine's extended family- nor be recognized by them.
Do they have to engage in anything other than basic pleasantries
and introducing spouses? Okay, so intrusive questions can come
from anyone.
Anything extra?
#Post#: 44670--------------------------------------------------
Re: Etiquette towards family of bridal party
By: Twik Date: January 3, 2020, 9:02 am
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[quote author=whiterose link=topic=1468.msg44663#msg44663
date=1578062765]
Thank you for the advice.
Do Greta and Hans need to deliberately seek out Nadine to say
hello to her? If it is a very large wedding, it is always
technically possible they may not see her. It is always
technically possible they may not recognize each other as well,
since a good 25 years have passed (Greta and Hans were teenagers
the last time they saw Nadine in person- and both will be over
40 by the time this wedding takes place). Even if they recognize
Nadine and/or she recognizes them, they will certainly not
recognize Nadine's extended family- nor be recognized by them.
Do they have to engage in anything other than basic pleasantries
and introducing spouses? Okay, so intrusive questions can come
from anyone.
Anything extra?
[/quote]
I'm still confused about why Greta seems to consider Nadine an
"enemy." If Jocelyn is talking about invitations, she's the
hostess presumably. Nadine is just another guest, and if Greta
runs into her, it would be polite to say hello. If Nadine has
done something horrible (say, she grotesquely abused the
children), one could avoid her or even go with the cut direct if
forced into direct contact/ but it doesn't sound like there's
any reason why *Greta* should be hostile to her, other than that
she likes Jocelyn, and if Jocelyn is content to invite Nadine, I
don't see why Greta has any issues.
If Nadine isn't hosting the wedding, there's no need for Greta
to search her out. She's just another relative of the groom.
#Post#: 44683--------------------------------------------------
Re: Etiquette towards family of bridal party
By: whiterose Date: January 3, 2020, 9:22 am
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Well, there are various reasons why Levi got custody of both
Dalton and Adrian. And it was not an amicable divorce.
Greta is assuming (perhaps interestingly so) that Cynthia's
family will host the wedding. Jocelyn simply relayed to Greta
when will Adrian and Cynthia send invitations after Greta asked
for the exact date (she was not sure- only that it would take
place in 2020). Greta has met Cynthia and talked to her sister
online- but has not actually met Cynthia's parents or extended
family.
Greta and Hans remember how much Levi got hurt by Nadine. And
they have witnessed personally how much has Jocelyn helped Levi
heal and be truly joyful- though I do not know how relevant this
will be, other than the fact that it is hard to not be biased.
#Post#: 44685--------------------------------------------------
Re: Etiquette towards family of bridal party
By: TootsNYC Date: January 3, 2020, 9:27 am
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It's not their battle to fight, and encountering someone so
distantly connected at a wedding is not an endorsement of all
their past behaviors.
I'm sure Greta doesn't want to get into a gushy, affectionate
convo, so she should be prepared to excuse herself if she gets
cornered by Nadine, or if Nadine doesn't take a hint, she should
be ready to say, "Well, I'm going to let you go, I'm sure there
are other people you'd like to talk to."
That's really it--she only needs to be prepared with "get out of
this interaction" techniques.
#Post#: 44691--------------------------------------------------
Re: Etiquette towards family of bridal party
By: Jem Date: January 3, 2020, 9:52 am
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[quote author=whiterose link=topic=1468.msg44683#msg44683
date=1578064941]
Well, there are various reasons why Levi got custody of both
Dalton and Adrian. And it was not an amicable divorce.
Greta is assuming (perhaps interestingly so) that Cynthia's
family will host the wedding. Jocelyn simply relayed to Greta
when will Adrian and Cynthia send invitations after Greta asked
for the exact date (she was not sure- only that it would take
place in 2020). Greta has met Cynthia and talked to her sister
online- but has not actually met Cynthia's parents or extended
family.
Greta and Hans remember how much Levi got hurt by Nadine. And
they have witnessed personally how much has Jocelyn helped Levi
heal and be truly joyful- though I do not know how relevant this
will be, other than the fact that it is hard to not be biased.
[/quote]
I really don't think any of this backstory matters. Grownups
learn to get along despite past hurts. I would think it quite
odd for people to pit Nadine and Jocelyn against each other in
their own minds, let alone make it a point to do so publicly. A
person can decide which people they enjoy spending time with,
etc. but there is no reason to do anything other than act as an
adult. Be polite, engage further with those you enjoy spending
time with, move on quickly but politely from those you don't
(general you). I forget the names here but the bride and groom
have presumably invited both Nadine and Jocelyn so to be rude to
either of them would be extremely immature and inappropriate,
regardless of whether a guest likes Nadine and hates Jocelyn or
vice versa.
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