DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: The Work Day
*****************************************************
#Post#: 44043--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work Place Gifting Awkwardness
By: DaDancingPsych Date: December 19, 2019, 3:45 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=lakey link=topic=1448.msg44027#msg44027
date=1576777628]
Could some co-worker have sent the gift basket as a group gift?
After he gave everyone a bottle of wine, someone may have
thought that it was a good idea to give him something in return,
and sent it as if it were from everyone. I would try to find out
before responding to him. If this isn't the case, respond
honestly as others have suggested.
Personally, I hate gift stuff going on in the workplace. I feel
that there is a difference between your work life and your
social life.
A well run workplace would have policies. My preferred policy
would be no gift exchanges, showers, etc. at work. If a couple
of co-workers are friends they can do it on their own. Sometimes
co-workers who are friends meet for drinks after work. This
would be when they can exchange Christmas gifts, birthday gifts,
and so on.
[/quote]
This is an excellent thought. In this case, I feel very
comfortable that no one did this. (In fact, I would have been
the most likely culprit and we know my feelings on the entire
situation.)
Agreed. Coworkers who want to organize gift exchanges should do
so on their own time.
I sent the more breezy reply. Not me; hope you find 'em. No
reply back, which is fine in my book.
#Post#: 44052--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work Place Gifting Awkwardness
By: gramma dishes Date: December 19, 2019, 6:37 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=DaDancingPsych link=topic=1448.msg44043#msg44043
date=1576791900]
...
I sent the more breezy reply. Not me; hope you find 'em. No
reply back, which is fine in my book.
[/quote]
Perfect. Succinct and to the point. Nothing for him to respond
to.
#Post#: 44070--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work Place Gifting Awkwardness
By: Aleko Date: December 20, 2019, 2:42 am
---------------------------------------------------------
It might just have been worth mentioning to the team leader, the
office manager, or HR, whichever seemed more appropriate in your
workplace, that this person's well-meant gesture might easily
pressurise a whole office into gift-giving that had been getting
on just fine without it, and could they see what they could do
to stop that happening? It's very easy for one such action to
start a domino effect, so that everyone ends up feeling
obligated to spend significant money and thought on presents for
their colleagues, and that's something that management should
prevent.
One way to stop that happening is to have an official but
strictly low-key, low-cost gift exchange. I think I may have
told how my own old workplace used to do it on the ehell board,
but it was the best system I've ever heard of, so here goes
again:
A few weeks before Christmas, Santa's sack would appear next to
our team leader's desk. Everyone would buy a
stocking-filler-type item suitable to any gender below a given
value (originally it was £5, but over the years it went up a
bit), wrap it nicely, and find a moment to surreptitiously drop
it in. At our team Christmas lunch, someone would be designated
to be Santa, and they would dip at random into the sack saying
'This is for Ashley! And here's one for Deena! This one's a
weird shape, let's say it's for Tareq!' till everybody had a
present. (You were allowed to say, 'whoops, I put that one in -
drop it back and give me something else'.) it was great because
there was minimal cost and no angsting about 'what on earth
would Shirley like?', but lots of festive unwrapping and jokes
about who got what. And if two people actually preferred what
each other had got in the lucky dip, there was no possible
offence in their openly swapping them.
#Post#: 44073--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work Place Gifting Awkwardness
By: DaDancingPsych Date: December 20, 2019, 7:35 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=1448.msg44070#msg44070
date=1576831322]
It might just have been worth mentioning to the team leader, the
office manager, or HR, whichever seemed more appropriate in your
workplace, that this person's well-meant gesture might easily
pressurise a whole office into gift-giving that had been getting
on just fine without it, and could they see what they could do
to stop that happening? It's very easy for one such action to
start a domino effect, so that everyone ends up feeling
obligated to spend significant money and thought on presents for
their colleagues, and that's something that management should
prevent.
[/quote]
This is truly solid advice. In my office, the team leader would
be my boss / company co-owner. (Other than a company bonus, he
has never gifted within the 15 years that I have worked here.)
Although my job title is neither office manager or HR rep, I
guess those duties mostly fall to me. My way of squashing this
previously has been to simply not gift back. Another co-worker
did the same thing (bought Boss and me wine during his first
year). Sure, it felt awkward to accept it without reciprocating,
but I just refused. He got the message and no gift since. I am
trying the same method with this new guy... although he is the
type to continue doing such things to brown nose / impress (he
has not figured out that material things don't impress me)
and/or to cause a power imbalance of sorts. Again, I am
currently assuming the best of him and that he thought that this
was a nice thing to do, but he has already started a track
record of stunts.
There's really no losing here. Maybe I will come out with some
Brimestoner stories! =)
#Post#: 44087--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work Place Gifting Awkwardness
By: jpcher Date: December 20, 2019, 4:57 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Quite a few years back when I was raising the DDs by myself and
struggling a bit on my budget I stopped gifting my coworkers.
The first year I didn't gift/reciprocate I told each one of them
(as they presented me with a gift "Thank you very much, but
please don't do this next year." I didn't feel right about
refusing the gift, but thought I said politely enough that I
didn't want to partake in office gifting.
Did that work? Nope. The next year I received gifts from each
member of the group and one coworker even said "I know that you
don't want to participate, I just wanted to give you something
from my heart."
All of the gifts were within the $10-20 range and at the time I
thought that amount for 10+ people each? Yikes? Take that out of
the budget for my DDs gifts? Or the mortgage? Selfish, maybe?
This continued on for several years until each of them retired
or went on there different ways. I did feel guilty about not
reciprocating and I sincerely wished that they would have left
me out of the gift-giving (the gifts were personally handed out
or left on a desk, not an event). I did send each of them a
personal email thanking them for the gift and mentioning
something special about why I appreciate working with them.
But I still felt like a scrooge.
I want to share with you a couple of gifts that I received today
from non-coworkers, not in my department, but people that I do
work for (customers).
One person came into my cube and handed me a card. He said "Just
a small something to say thank you for all you do for me" then
walked away. I opened the card and there was, taped to the
inside of the card, a small square of godiva chocolate (sea-salt
caramel!) and a short note about how much he appreciated working
with me.
Another person came to my cube and said something like "You
always do great work for me. etc." then handed me a small square
of Russells chocolate and said "Thank you."
It hit me that those were the best office-gifting gifts ever.
Something small with awesome words of praise and thank you's.
I wish I would have thought of this years ago when I declined to
participate in the $10-20 gifts from coworkers.
#Post#: 44093--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work Place Gifting Awkwardness
By: TootsNYC Date: December 20, 2019, 7:31 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
DaDancing Psych, I think when someone new starts, you can tell
them, in early December, "Oh, you can relax at Christmas--we
don't give each other gifts, not even small things." In the
manner of "tipping you off about how things get done here," much
like other office-culture "secrets."
I'm a boss who gives their subordinates presents, and I always
stated, in early December, "In my department gifts flow down;
I'm allowed to give you something if I want, but you're not
supposed to. It makes things awkward."
Set them up for it early!
I have worked at places where a few overachievers would give
small edibles (I used to drop 5 Brach's Christmas Nougats and a
business-card-size note on everybody's desk that I actually
interacted with), but most people wouldn't do anything, and I
don't think people felt bad, because the edibles were so small
in value, and the givers were so clearly overachievers.
#Post#: 44106--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work Place Gifting Awkwardness
By: vintagegal Date: December 21, 2019, 6:26 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Kimpossible link=topic=1448.msg44033#msg44033
date=1576783855]
We had so much trouble with organizing Secret Santa at work, we
finally gave up about 6 years ago. We donate toys to needy
children instead.
[/quote]
I love this so much, it's the real spirit of Christmas. Not
agonizing over gifts you "have to" get for people you are not
crazy about. Can't remember the name of the other board years
ago (not E-hell), it closed, but there was SO MUCH agita over
gift-giving of all kinds there. I just thought to myself, what's
the point? Shouldn't gift-giving be voluntary and done with
love?
#Post#: 44130--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work Place Gifting Awkwardness
By: lakey Date: December 21, 2019, 4:33 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote]All of the gifts were within the $10-20 range and at the
time I thought that amount for 10+ people each? Yikes?[/quote]
This is why I would prefer to not have gift giving in the
workplace. We never know what the financial situation is of
coworkers. Christmas can be a lot of extra expense for people
who are already on a tight budget.
I do like the idea of a card with a nice chocolate treat. It's
yummy, inexpensive, and the receiver isn't left feeling like
they should have bought something for the giver.
#Post#: 44141--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work Place Gifting Awkwardness
By: Isisnin Date: December 21, 2019, 11:04 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
The AAs at as office I worked in years back exchanged gifts
every year. There were about 20 of us. One year stands out as
the best. Everyone either made the gifts or purchased cute
inexpensive ones. One gift everyone got was a couple chocolates
from a very high-end shop (the giver worked part-time there),
another was homemade holiday pins, another was inexpensive
chocolates in a santa mug (which sold in the local drug store
for 2 for $1 with coupon.
We all got such a kick out of the creativity. Still don't know
why it worked out that year (as opposed to the usual
difficulties), but itwas great.
#Post#: 44146--------------------------------------------------
Re: Work Place Gifting Awkwardness
By: Aleko Date: December 22, 2019, 4:06 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote]Shouldn't gift-giving be voluntary and done with love?
[/quote]
The trouble is that once someone gives someone else a present,
unless they are blatantly unequal in status, reciprocating is
not voluntary. This is true across pretty much every culture
through time and across the world - this is one of the (few)
statements that all anthropologists agree on.
If there is a clear difference in status, gift-giving can go one
way only. In Renaissance Europe it was customary for courtiers
to humbly offer Christmas presents to their sovereign, who
graciously accepted them as homage, and nobody dreamt that s/he
would or should reciprocate. By the 19th century the custom had
flipped: Queen Victoria gave modest presents to the palace
staff, and in wartime would send small presents such as a tin of
cigarettes with her picture on it, to all her soldiers at the
front; there was obviously no expectation that they would send
any presents to her. In the same way, a boss can give out
presents to all their staff employees without imposing any
obligation on them to respond. But if Sally gives Jane a
Christmas present, that does impose an obligation on Jane to
respond with a present of roughly equal value. If Jane does not,
she will seem at best selfish or stingy, or the recipient of
charity; at worst, hostile. That's why it is never good manners
to give someone a present more valuable than anything they would
think of giving to you. Ask any Trobriand Islander! In fact,
there are societies where knowingly giving someone something so
valuable that they can't afford to reciprocate is a mortal
insult.
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page